We could possibly come up with 7.7 million ways for Manny Ramirez to spend his costly time away from baseball more wisely. Instead, it’s more prudent to offer 50 suggestions for how he can play out the rest of his 50-game suspension:
50. Take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror. Yes, you’re one fertility drug away from being mistaken for a younger Maya Angelou.
49. Find an OBGYN in Miami who can verify a recent office visit, and then ask for a new script for some postpartum chewable vitamins.
48. Trust your impulse: Take a few close friends to a revival of “Vagina Monologues.”
47. Buy a labradoodle. Name it “Bo Jackson.”
46. A haircut. Just a little off the back. Maybe, a shape it on the sides like Jennifer Aniston, so it frames your face better.
45. Offer mom some “special stuff you found that you don’t need any more” as a Mother’s Day gift. Prepare for a new brother, sister or “nephew” in 9 months.
44. Send “Thank You” note to A-Rod. Then track down a cousin in the Dominican Republic willing to be thrown under the donkey cart.
43. Avoid phone calls from Selena Roberts. She’s just a stalker.
42. Arrange a sit-down, televised interview with Peter Gammons. On tape. Not live. Find a snappy sweater vest to wear. Skip out if Gammons insists it takes place in Boston.
41. Offer Susan Boyle some make-over tips.
40. Practice lies to Congress. Hire Sammy Sosa’s translator if necessary (even though you grew up in New York).
39. Fire Scott Boras.
38. Hire Scott Boras back. Only if he can arrange a new 10-year, $252 million deal with the Dodgers. Or Giants. Or Indians. Or Mets. Or Yankees. Or Bronx Little League.
37. Commiserate with Derrick Fisher while taking in a Ducks playoff game.
36. Hook up with Mark McGwire for some super-strength golf ball swatting lessons.
35. Text Barry Bonds for advice on how to convince the Giants that you can still play for them, if they’re interested.
34. Volunteer for President Obama’s new “Just Say Nada” estrogen stimulus program.
33. Another haircut. Just to clean up the sides. Throw in a pedicure as a Manny-cure? Why, sure.
32. Offer to fight Manny Pacquiao, to see who’s the best pound-for-pound Manny in the world.
31. Write a new forward for the paperback version of: “Being Manny: Inside the Life of Baseball’s Most Enigmatic Slugger.” Be honest. Credit Jose Canseco as your savior (and ask him how the rest of this will all play out).
30. After being coy, agree to an appearance on “The View,” if only to compare dread-care with Whoopi Goldberg.
29. Browse through eBay.com for good deals on used Man-Ram rookie baseball cards. Before the prices drop below 10 cents.
28. Three words: “Dancing Witha Stars.”
27. Push a Dodger executive down. Preferably one who’s older. Just for old times.
26. Catch up on TiVo’d “Pretty Wicked” Oxygen Channel reality show episodes.
25. Snag a handful of ballots and begin an underground campaign to vote yourself into all three NL outfield positions for the July 14 All-Star game.
24. Update Facebook.com profile to say “Just Chillin’.”
23. Find a hole in the Dodger Stadium left-field wall, climb in and hide out for a few hours.
22. Another haircut. And could you wax the legs and back, too?
21. Host “Saturday Night Live.” Do T-Pain spoof.
20. Testicle implants? Maybe now’s the time. Google recommendations for best Beverly Hills surgeon available on short notice.
19. Volunteer to compete in new “Joes Vs. Man-Ram” TV series. Could also be a “Battle of the Sexes” spinoff.
18. Study Juan Pierre’s game, on how he throws the ball to the proper base after accepting a base hit in left field. Then repeat. But then throw harder.
17. Join Bruce Springsteen and E-Street Band Tour. Sub for Clarence Clemens on the tambourine during “Glory Days.”
16. Inquire about becoming test case for swine flu vaccinations given to women in their first trimester.
15. Consider offer for “ShamWow” endorsement, especially if they change it to “ManWow” and allow it to be used as a do-rag.
14. Request uniform number change. From 99 to 00.
13. Turn down Tony Dungy invite for a personal consultation.
12. Turn down interview with Weekly World News “reporter.”
11. Get over to Carl’s Jr. and try one of them Kentucky Bourbon Six-Dollar Burger with Bacon that Vin Scully keeps raving about. Try two. Try three. Yes, they’ll make your butt look big, but do it anyway. Could be an endorsement deal in there.
10. Invest in “Whizzinator” mail-order franchise.
9. Defect to Cuba – for at least a week. Make sure Castro’s people know you’re “available” for next World Baseball Classic.
8. Sign with National Pro Fastpitch league. Only if they’ll allow you to be a DH.
7. Finally release that Reggaeton CD called “Me Being Me.”
6. Accept invite from NOW convention to host panel discussion on the dangers of Octo-mom Syndrome.
5. Register the name “Man-roid.”
4. Register the name “Manny-pause.”
3. One more haircut — just get rid of everything. Start fresh. Bald is bold.
2. Pray to the baseball Gods for at least one rainout between now and July 3 – which would push the grand comeback to the Fourth of July, and one heck of a fireworks show in San Diego, where Dodgers fans will again outnumber Padres’ fans.
1. Don’t worry. Be Manny. Not Tranny.
Now, cycle off. Menstrual, or otherwise.