The easy-on-the-eyes woman pops up on the TV screen, appearing to be at some kind of fancy dinner party, but talking pretty serious about a subject we apparently aren’t up to speed on yet.
And we’ve been off speed for a number of years now.
“You may have seen some Yaz commercials recently that weren’t clear,” she admits.
OK, you’ve got my attention. Please, clear up some things for me about the 1967 Triple Crown winner and AL MVP who I haven’t seen on a commercial in a number of years but still carry his club membership card in my wallet — unsigned, because there are a few rules I’m not so certain I agree with (one of them: bread as a source of protein).
1. Yaz is approved for pregnancy prevention. It is also 99 percent effective at preventing pregnancy when taken directly.
With that mug, we completely understand. He’s no Joe Torre, but …
2. Yaz is specifically for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), which is a mood disorder related to the menstrual cycle, and moderate acne. Yaz is not for PMS and mild acne.
Yaz hit for the cycle on May 14, 1965. That’s the day my little brother was born. Yaz was not his favorite baseball player growing up. Apparently, my mom didn’t have access to Yaz 9 1/2 months earlier, or else … I don’t even want to think about it. Yet, interesting, my brother never had any acne problems.
3. The signs of PMDD: Irritability, anger, feeling anxious, fatigure, depression, headaches, bloating, muscle aches, change in appetite. Sympotons of PMDD occur regularily before a women’s menstrual cycle.
Yaz was once fined $500 by the Red Sox for loafing. It’s on page 293 of the Jim Bouton book, “Ball Four.” Wrote Bouton: “I’m afraid Yastrzemski has a bit of dog in him. When things are going good, Yastrzemski will go all out. When things aren’t going so well, he’ll give a half-ass effort. … I asked a few of the Red Sox if they thought he deserved the fine and I thought they would defend him. But they said, ‘He deserved it all the way.’” Maybe Yaz was just irritable. Or angry. Or depressed. Or bloated. This happened, by the way, four years after his ’65 cycle. And for the record, guys with more career cycles than Yaz: Brad Wilkerson, Chris Speier, Jim Fregosi and someone named Wally Westlake. No wonder he’s depressed.
4. Yaz also has DRSP, a different kind of hormone that may increase potassium too much, so don’t take it if you have kidney, liver or adrenal disease because it could get worse.
Yaz’s career overlapped the first eight years with Mickey Mantle — who did have liver disease and probably should not have ever shook hands with Yaz.
5. Yaz doesn’t protect against HIV or STDs.
But Yaz does have a career OBP of .382.
6. Yaz could exaserbate blood clots, strokes and heart attacks.
Yaz had triple bypass surgery last August. Otherwise, Yaz is still alive and selling memorabilia, according to his website, www.yaz8.com.
“Talk to your doctor about Yaz,” the woman on the TV says at the end.
Just did that. Doc, a big Red Sox fan, insists Teddy Ballgame was a much more complete player despite what some may think, and Fred Lynn should have stayed longer… And that pop-up Yaz hit in the ’78 one-game playoff against the Yankees still depresses him to this day. His perscription for happiness: He self medicates with a fertility drug that helps gets his testosterone levels up. Wanna try it?