CBS has its list, officially, of who’s doing the men’s basketball tournament starting next week. Without labeling them No. 1 through No. 8, we’ll do that for them:
Top seed: Jim Nantz/Clark Kellogg
Second seed: Dick Enberg/Jay Bilas
Third seed: Verne Lundquist/Bill Raftery
Fourth seed: Gus Johnson/Len Elmore
Fifth seed: Kevin Harlan/Dan Bonner
Sixth seed: Ian Eagle/Jim Spanarkel
Seventh seed: Tim Brando/Mike Gminski
Eighth seed: Spero Dedes/Bob Wenzel
In this scenario:
== The quarterfinals: No. 8 gives No. 1 a strong run — taking it to 2OT — but No. 1 wins only because of network pressure. It’s NCAA Present meets NCAA Future, and only today, because he’s a rookie, No. 8 yields.
Nos. 2, 3 and 4 easily win their matchups against No. 7, 6 and 5 without much of a wimper. Just because. No. 2’s triumph over No. 7 is one of the most lopsided in network broadcasting history. No. 7 asks for a rematch. No. 2 analyst asks No. 7 analyst: How do you spell your name again?
== The semifinals: No. 4 upends No. 1 (Kellogg’s nonsensical analysis finally becomes the team’s glaring weakness) and No. 2 leaves No. 3 looking for an oxygen mask.
== The final: No. 2 breaks out professionally and leaves no doubts that No. 4 is excited, but for all the weird reasons. Enberg and Bilas holds the trophy aloft.