In honor of Fan Appreciation Weekend at Dodger Stadium, the final homestand, Joe Torre’s going-away party and another page turned in the Dodgers’ team chapter, we’ve taken up a collection and have something to present to the owners of the team.
Frank and Jamie McCourt: You’ve been served.
By the powers vested in us, the citizens of Los Angeles, we hereby declare a class-action divorce from the McCourts and demand full custody of the Dodgers.
Ipso facto, E pluribus unum, carpe diem and, considering how much the two of them have been spending on their hairstylists, coiffure interruptus.
Divorcing ourselves from the courtroom circus that has become McCourt v. McCourt over the last few months, culminating in a charade that ended with closing arguments this week, has been a very difficult task.
Frank and Jamie each contend they own the Dodgers in one bad shape or another. They don’t want to play nice about it as they attempt to split up their leveraged fortunes and actually stop believin’.
An otherwise wise judge now has to waste his time going over the testimony and has until around Christmas to rule on their marital unbliss. But then, with appeals, new trials and just plain stubbornness, Frank could use millions of more borrowed dollars that perhaps could be better spent on a hypnotist for Jonathan Broxton to drag this out.
We can’t wait’ll next year. Because, in all seriousness, who really owns the Dodgers?
Isn’t it community property that’s property of the community?
Shouldn’t the fans take ownership of this situation?
Maybe we’re treading on Chavez Ravine ground that has already seen enough abuse, but we propose a new legal measure of revenge.
Don’t worry, Silverstein. We’re not even messing with typos here. Exclusive, inclusive or reclusive, we’ll make this as plain and painless as possible.
Now, in California, petitions for the dissolution of marriage are based only on a) irreconcilable differences or b) incurable insanity. We intend to hit for the cycle on this. Sign us up for both.
And irregardless of whether that’s an actual word or not, we add irrational behavior unbecoming of a O’Malley successor, irrevocable trust, irreversible damage, irregular heartbeat, irreplaceable left fielders with dreadlocks, illogical thinking and, not to get too graphic, but irritable towel syndrome (have you tried to pull off one of those sheets of sandpaper in the restrooms at Dodger Stadium)?
You may try to rephrase this as a case of “emancipation.” We will stick with the big D-word, without the help of anyone from LegalDoom.com.
Despite having watched plenty of episodes of “Family Court with Judge Penny,” we’re not about to squeeze every nickel out of you in this, although we know payback can be bitchin’.
In the division of assets, our demands are simple.
== Vin Scully.
== Nancy Bea Hefley.
== Roger Owens, the peanut man.
== Dodger Stadium.
== The land surrounding Dodger Stadium.
== The promise never to “enhance” the land surrounding Dodger Stadium with a shopping mall, Indian casino or rifle range.
== The Dodger Stadium naming rights (which we vow to never use).
== The annual Jackie Robinson night promotion.
== Hollywood Stars Night (can’t believe that was so botched this season that it didn’t even happen).
== All remaining light-blue paint left.
== All future prospects in the farm system under the age of 21.
== Andre Either’s bat.
== James Loney’s glove.
== Clayton Kershaw arm.
== Larry Bowa’s attitude.
== The four seats next to the dugout where the McCourts currently have reserved, but will be used on a rotating basis, given away to four fans each game who originally buy a ticket to the left-field pavilion.
As such, we also propose the McCourts can have:
== Continued liabilities of all deferred salary payments, including but not limited to Manny Ramirez, Juan Pierre, Jason Schmidt, Darren Dreifort, Don Stanhouse and Vladimir Shpunt.
== All concession stand workers, especially those who act as if punching the order into the cash register pad is the first time they’ve seen it in their lives.
== Any future trademark rights to “$2 Tuesdays.”
== All broken maple bats.
== All advertising decals on the outfield walls.
== One percent of parking revenue, not to exceed .002 cents per automobile per year.
== Rental of the Stadium Club one night every 10 years, at an agreed-upon date, for family functions only (with a necessary cleaning deposit).
== All profits from the California Pizza Kitchen stand, since no one should be eating that stuff anyway.
== The ear-piercing center-field speaker system.
== The overpaid guy running the “Dodger Dream Foundation.”
== Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa’s future requests for free tickets.
As for Tommy Lasorda: That’s open for negotiation.
We accept a demand to be named later, but respect whatever visitation rights you intend to set up in the interim. We can pick him up at the local McDonald’s parking lot and take him to the games on every other weekend if that’s amicable.
Sorry it’s come to this. Really. Truly. True Bluely.
It’s not your fault. It’s our fault for not doing this earlier. Even if this is a no-fault state of confusion now.
Enjoy the final games of the 2010 season, McCourts. An usher will escort you out of the facility whenever you’ve finished cleaning out our wallets.