It’s Out of the Question: Can Farmers Insurance give us a no-fault policy?


Before you ascent from the podium Mr. Commissioner of the National Football League of the United States of America and to the republic for which we stand, just a couple more questions …

Over here, to your left, the contingency from L.A., in the business-ware flip-flops and Billabong T-shirts with the Planet Funk tags still on ’em . . . sorry, we didn’t think we’d have to drag out our Mammoth Mountain gear to North Texas this time of year:

== From your throne of thumbs-up or thumbs-down, which of the current L.A.-based profiteers would you suggest we quietly endorse with all our non-tax dollars as we await the launch of this reality show that looks like “Extreme L.A. Makeover” meets “Amazing Race” to build a stadium-sized kingdom fit for the celebration of your sport?

You say you can’t pick sides right now? It’s too early? There’s not enough information in front of you about either?

In that case, do you tend to agree that this what you (or even Vince Vaughn) would term the true definition a dilemma: a problem offering at least two possibilities, neither of which is practically acceptable?


== Have you looked yet at the fine print of this cagey AEG downtown L.A. proposal?

After consulting with our Farmers Insurance agent about writing a policy that could somehow protect our citizenry from having an NFL team pick up and leave when our local elected officials rightfully refuse to dig into our deductions to make a balloon payment on a little-known stipulation that requires 300 more luxury suites to be installed at our expense by 2020, and discovering that no such security blanket exists, we are supposed to be resting assured that we can go forward on this?

And by the way, where does an insurance company that proclaims to protect a farmer’s best interest in a dying business come up with $700 million in stadium advertising?


== And about this roskifarian City of Industry swapmeet proposal . . .

Not to start name dropping, but isn’t it a little shifty that the industrious organizers of this plan intend to rename the area surrounding their stadium to make it sound like a more euphemistic destination? So our OnStar systems won’t just tell us to take the 110 to the 10 over to the 60 and stopping just east of South El Monte, south of West Covina, and somewhere north of the PetSmart and LensCrafters?

== What does your subcommittee on The Future of Printing Money in Southern California have to say to potential ticket-buyers who’ll be required to cough up more than the $1,200 – the face value for some seats at this Sunday’s Super Bowl in upper Dallas – if the Super Bowl 50th Anniversary party comes here?


== Will there be any conflicts of interest if future L.A. mayor Magic Johnson is also a part owner of an L.A. franchise?

== If Al Davis were alive today, wouldn’t he have the right of first refusal to move his Raiders back here again?

== And finally: Can we be like the Packers and Steelers and go about this without cheerleaders?

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