The more we hear from David Feherty, the happier we’ll be, from earlier blog posts:
== The product you’d like to endorse:
“A big fan of Preparation H. And not for the reasons . . . I put it on my eyes this morning. It’s an old supermodel trick. You gotta use the jell, not the ointment, that looks a little too greasy, but if you use the jell around your eyes, the wrinkles just go … whomp … but I look a lot worse than this normally.
“I might also do something for a stool softener. Like a padded foam cover for your stool.”
== Instead of the one that actually soften your, you know, stool?
“Either one. With the stool softener, you get this commercial where the camera shows two people sitting on parallel toilets holding hands, like the Cialis commercials. But it would be more relevant than Cialis. Because you actually need a stool softener when you’re on the toilet. God only knows what you’d need an erection for when you’re in two separate bathtubs. Right? Parallel toilets.”
== Fart jokes: Underrated?
“I think they get most of the credit they deserve. They’re usually the best. They’re just downright funny. One of the best I ever heard wasn’t a joke – it actually happened.
“A friend of mine, Jack McClusky, he used to caddie for me. We were coming out of a hotel and there was a little old lady in a Zimmer frame (walker) and she’s giving it this (going very slowly) and we went through the door, and we got to where Jack was holding open one door and I was holding open the other. And just as she was walking past us, he unleashed the most God-awful fart. I mean, it was a stunt fart. It was chiropractic, the kind that would click your back, or whatever. And she stopped. And she looked up with a weird face. And Jack said, ‘Don’t worry dear, everyone will think it was me.’ I blew a snotbubble laughing so hard. That’s the greatest fart line I’d ever heard in my life. It’s all about the timing.”