God only know what sports teams He’s actually pulling for.
Finally, He lets the rest of us know. Sorta.
It’s all in a new book called “The Last Testament: A Memoir By God,” ($22.95, Simon and Schuster, 383 pages, linked here) with David Javerbaum, the former head writer of “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.”
So, yes, it’s shelved in the “humor” section of your local book store. It has to be.
Consider that among the chapters where God explains natural disasters, unsolved mysteries and his favorite recipes, there’s a the book of “Games” where He discusses sports.
We quoteth from Games 1: 1-7:
“Every so often I like to call in to sports radio shows.
“I tell the screener I am ‘Mike from Massapequa’ or ‘Sam from Santa Clara,’ and he talks to me a minute to make sure I am worthy enough, not only to discuss the foibles of the area’s athletic teams, but to freight that conversation with enough entertainment value to warrant its being broadcast to 35,000 other people in the greater, say, St. Louis area.
“Then I am put on hold; then I hear, ‘You’re on the air!’, and then I launch into a passionate monologue – in the pitch-perfect accent of the local ethic lower-middle-class – about the value of switch-hitting outfielders and dogfighting; the eternal beauty of the pick-and-roll, and steroids; the day the Red Sox won the World Series, and the day O.J. Simpson murdered two people.
“All things sports.
“For a few pleasant minutes the hosts and I talk and complain and commiserate and argue with each other; than I am thanked for calling and the host moves on, never realizing that the unseen voice with which they just talked pucks was not in fact Mike from Massapequa, but God from the Great Beyond.
“But I do not mind, for I do not call to be recognized; I call because I love talking sports.
“Sport is mythic; sport is epic; sports is a condensation of all human activity; it is often said sport is a metaphor for life; it would be more accurate to say life is a metaphor for sport.”
So let it be written, so let it be believed to be true.
God goes on to write about how He “only, on extremely rare occasions, influenced the outcome of a sporting event to affect the spread.”
That must explain how last Saturday’s USC-Stanford game ended. The only only way in Heaven that would have allowed the Cardinal to cover as 7-point favorites was to have the game go into a third overtime, allow them to score a touchdown, convert the two-pointer, and then stop the Trojans on their last drive. That’s once-in-a-bookies’-lifetime kind of stuff there.
More from the book of Games 2: 3-4:
“And many times I have heard reasonable-minded commentators denounce those athletes and fans for believing I would care about something as frivolous as the Raiders-Broncos game.
“Lo, as a matter of fact, I do care about something as frivolous as the Raiders-Broncos game, Bob Friggin’ Costas.”
From Games 2: 17-19:
“To repeat: I do not intervene in sporting events; not because they are beneath me (for what isn’t?), but rather because – and if I sound old-fashioned here, then shoot me, Bill Simmons – I care so deeply about the integrity of the game.
“Athletes come and go, but the sports themselves remain; and I will never let my feelings toward the former corrupt my oversight of the later.
“I am the LORD thy Ref; I cannot be worked.”
Although He probably shouldn’t, God admits to being a fan of the New York Giants (since “the glory days of Phil Simms“) and of the Oakland Raiders (“I have always liked their attitude, for they play football the way the ancient Israelites attacked Canaanites.”)
He’s also a fan of Auburn football (“I hate Nick Saban; his name is one letter away from ‘Satan’ for a reason”), he’s up on the Minnesota Twins (“and whoever is playing the Cubs”) and in the NHL, he’s all about the Columbus Blue Jackets (“inasmuch as I would never in a billion years have thought to put a hockey team in Columbus, Ohio, and call it the Blue Jackets.”)
God concludes by acknowledging that his children are loyal to the same teams he is to, except that “Jesus roots for the Cubs … Poor child.
“His faith is so deep, and his hope is so pure, that on occasion I have heard him say, ‘The day the Cubs win the World Series is the day I return to earth!’ But in the end I dissuade him from this; for humanity cannot wait a billion years for the Second Coming.”