Yes, Virginia, these items actually exist for the L.A. fan who are in need of an exquisite, team-specific holiday gift, bound to bring minutes of pleasure – and still available with a rush order:
For the Dodgers fan:
Item: A sculpted and enameled pewter money clip
The pitch: Sure, you can find one of these things much less expensive — there’s a stainless steel model with the “L.A.” logo for just $7.75 — but now’s not the time to be cheap. The way things have been going at the Ravine, enjoy the windfall of cash that new ownership brings. This one is four ounces of a status symbol that shows you’re not only willing to flash some large currency at the concession stand, but you insist on overpaying for everyone.
For the Lakers fan:
Item: A purple-and-gold rhinestone pacifier
The pitch: The wait is almost over for Nash, Howard, Gasol, Kobe and Metta to step on the court together and rally to capture that eighth and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. Until then, pacify your thoughts with this high-end, handmade binky which comes with a sateen ribbon. They recommend you hand wash and hang dry, if that’s possible through all your hand wringing. There is also the warning (for real): “Do not use on older babies that will take the pacifier out of the mouth and bite the rhinestones on the other side.” Same goes for adults.
For the Kings fan:
Item: A collectible team bank
The pitch: The actual listing says: “Save up your pennies for the next game with this Caseworks NHL collectible bank.” Not even the “durable acrylic construction” can handle the irony that fills this thing up as you help generate more off-ice revenue for the league’s players and owners to haggle over. And once it is filled, you still won’t have enough to buy the cheapest seat in Staples Center if they ever decide to get the Stanley Cup tour resumed.
For the Clippes fan:
Item: Harvey’s Seatbelt Baguette
The pitch: How many times a game does Ralph Lawler have to remind you to fasten your seatbelts? Here’s a chance to actually have one to latch onto in a moment’s notice — because the bags are made of actual automobile seatbelts. “There’s no need to get your knickers in a twist while sporting the winning colors,” says the item description. But then, these aren’t made for Knicks fans.
For the UCLA basketball fan:
Item: A six-foot “True Blue” pet leash
The pitch: “Keep your spirited pup under control on your daily walks . . . the perfect accessory for a Bruins fan and his furry best friend.” More functionally, these can be endorsed by howling coach Ben Howland as a most effective way to keep players from leaving the roster just before the start of the Pac-12 conference schedule. Imagine how Josh Smith could have benefited with a choke chain and one of these keeping him away from the extra Milk Bones.
For the USC football fan:
Item: A unique T-shirt gift package
Price: Approx. $34.
Where: USCbookstore.com; SunBowl.MyShopify.com
The pitch: The first stop is at the USC book store, to scoop up one of the “Unfinished Business” T-shirts that originally sold for $20 but can now be had for just $10. Wait any longer and it could go down to $5. Next, hustle over to the Sun Bowl official site to procure a snazzy Sun Bowl T-shirt ($24) that’ll identify you as one sharp SoCal dude when you head to El Paso, Tex., for the New Year’s Eve bowl game that everyone’s talking about. If you want to attempt the trifecta on this package, snoop around the UCLA campus and see if you can find the latest, greatest T-shirt for sale: “I Don’t Give A Rat’s Ass about USC,” a quote from Bruins coach Jim Mora that’s been a hot item.
For the Angels fan:
Item: A Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim North Pole Sign
The pitch: Forever Collectables ends the confusion about where the Angels are actually located this time of year. At least, in relation to Los Angeles, the North Pole and the pot of gold they seem to have found to acquire Josh Hamilton. “Makes a great holiday decoration,” says the website blub, but only the small print points you to where this was actually made: In China.
For the Galaxy fan:
Item: Beckham by Beckham 2.5 ounce Eau de Toilette
The pitch: David Beckham may be gone, but his odor lingers on. The worldly “woodsy” scent contains “notes of sandalwood, cardamom, amber, grapefruit, nutmeg, bergamot, violet, patchouli and star arise. (Check the Galaxy roster again; we recall Caramom, Bergamot and Patchouli as three of the team’s top defenders). It says the stuff is only for “casual use,” which may best depict how the local kickball team used Becks for some six years before releasing him to the rest of the world, triumphantly with an MLS Cup wedged under each armpit.