Just 92 years after the original blockbuster and 40 following the sequel, Los Angeles insists it’s game-on to stage the climax to its own five-ringed trilogy and bid up the rights to host the 2024 Summer Olympics.
What could possibly go wrong with that?
Infrastructure considerations aside, don’t overlook the fact SoCal Olyfest III comes with a $10 million entry fee and an estimated operations expense of $3 billion. There’s no guarantees this time that the Guggenheim Group could somehow rescue it from bankruptcy and overpay to have it happen based on projected TV rights.
L.A.’s celebration will also in all likelihood come at the expense of Scandinavia and Siberia – two places where scientists predict will have the perfect climate and 24-hour daylight access due to the latest global warming trends.
So right away, the rest of the world be hating on us for being greedy.
Patrick Rishe, a Forbes.com writer on sports and business, came out with a piece Friday endorsing L.A. as the most “logical, cost-effective and practical choice” for this task.
“Only managerial incompetence or a penchant for excess” could doom L.A.’s chances, he added.
Have you met us?
The more we quantify the quantum mechanics, dabble with the Doppler weather pattern data and conduct a routine checkup of our city’s character flaws (starting with this insane FasTrak carpool lane on the 110 Freeway), we have to advise against this routine floor exercise and suggest it all be staged with drones via video game controllers.
Otherwise, don’t say you haven’t been warned when:
== Dennis Rodman, expected to march into the Farmer’s Field Opening Ceremony as the flag-bearer of the newly renamed Bad Ass Republic of North Korea, fails the new IOC drug-screening procedures.
His urine tests positive for excessive uranium.
Supreme leader Kim Jong-un already had a meltdown after he was told he couldn’t have the Harlem Globetrotters represent his country in men’s or women’s basketball, but perhaps a waiver could be obtained in rhythmic gymnastics.
== As all forms of grappling continue to appear on the IOC’s do-not-resuscitate list, the L.A. Olympic Organizing Committee approves female mudwrestling as a demonstration sport.
WWE activists protest outside the venue, the Chavez Moshpit Presented by King Taco, where Dodger Stadium used to exist.
This comes after the LAOOC also considered bringing in competitive pole dancing as a sport, but it was rejected by a margin so slim, you could slide a $1 bill between it.
== L.A. mayor Magic Johnson isn’t happy.
He’s constantly on his cornea-activated Insta-Blink account — Twitter was so last decade – and Winks out a string of controversial messages regarding the methods by which the U.S. men’s basketball team was picked by head coach Steve Lavin.
His Magic Honor says his lodging of complaints has nothing to do with the fact that his grandson was the final roster cut because he couldn’t dunk on the 13-foot baskets.
Magic offers $1 trillion to anyone who can actually dunk on the newly-adjusted rims.
== There’s more backlash as Canadian basketball coach Steve Nash responds in a Maple-Drip-Tort — it’s that country’s latest social media rage – that the pairings for the tournament are completely unfair.
He laments that his team has to play four games in five nights against Pau Gasol’s squad from Real Spain Imperialism United – that’s the new U.N.-approved name for the coalition of Spain, Portugal, Morocco, the Western Sahara and San Diego State, which finally decided to finally leave the Mountain West Conference.
Meanwhile, the Shabazz Muhammad-led Team USA somehow wormed its way into Pool B, which includes The Decadent Hangout Formerly Known as Greece, a country that retained naming rights to the property annexed to Bulgaria in a complicated stock swap but essentially is now used a refueling station for Turkish luxury cruisers.
It claims the decision is more a result of laziness. It just doesn’t want to keep paying the quadrennial entry fees that don’t guarantee any fair distribution of precious medals.
“We are not retreating here,” claims French Olympic committee chief Zinedine Zidane, “but frankly, if you won’t accept our newly minted franc, we are done butting heads over this.”
That, and they’re not all that thrilled to see L.A. Olympics title sponsor McDonald take French fries off the menu.
== Defending U.S. Olympic poker champion Lenny Dykstra is banned from competition at the Hustler Casino after it was discovered he smuggled in his own deck of cards.
The tobacco and deer-antler spray stains were the first giveaway.
It is instead incorporated as the name of a new ride at Disneyland, where former U.S. gymnast McKayla Maroney is allowed to be the first to try it out.
She’s not impressed.
== Metta World Police – that’s his new name, after Johnson appointed him L.A.’s chief of law enforcement – threatens to quit after two days into the event, as he is criticized about his so-called “cling and jerk” search tactics in place for all spectators entering any facility.
“I should have had my head examined before taking this job,” he said.