No one questions the National Football League’s intent here — some way, some how, some day, it wants to transplant a franchise back into lucrative Los Angeles, supplement every current owners’ retirement nest egg and apologize for losing the key to this major-city restroom stall that hasn’t been occupied in two decades.
The question here has do to with its long over-due diligence.
Check your spam file. You may be one of the unlucky ones asked to waste valuable college football viewing time to answer an NFL-commissioned a questionnaire emailed out to a reported 2,000 “potential customers” to gauge their inner-most dreams, fears, fantasies, turn-ons and turn-offs.
Maybe Victoria Secret should have been behind this instead of Roger Goodell?
It’s a survey that, frankly, is too vague. A bit condescending. And, if you read between the lines, leaves more questions about how of a financial commitment we’re going to be blindsided with down the road.
Before we even think about taking this eHarmony relationship back to the any next level, we have some more pertinent questions:
= If the Raiders were to show the most interest in coming back to Los Angeles, where would be your first choice of immediate evacuation to protect you and the safety of your family?
A) Irwindale, B) Irvine, C) Iraq.
= If the Rams were to show the most interest in coming back to Los Angeles, what jersey-and-helmet color scheme would you be most interested in seeing?
A) the simple white-and-royal blue throwbacks that Roman Gabriel wore in the 1960s and ‘70s, B) the electric yellow-and-blue combo that Kurt Warner wore in the Super Bowl XXXIV victory, C) the current gold-and-navy combination that Sam Bradford may never wear again.
= If the Chargers were to show the most interest in coming back to Los Angeles, what would be your greatest concern?
A) not enough of the current cheerleaders would relocate, B) Percy Harvin could be on the roster, C) Ron Burgundy would want to be the public address announcer.
= What location is most desirable in watching an NFL game in Los Angeles?
A) the downtown stadium proposal near Staples Center, B) the City of Industry proposal, C) after Stan Kronke buys my home and leases it back to me, I’m very much in favor of having my wife’s crafting room converted into modern-garage theme, with 25 recliner seats, a craft-beer full-tap bar, 160-foot high-def flat screen and at least three off-duty Hooters waitresses per shift. With no local TV blackouts affecting my DirecTV “Sunday Ticket” subscription.
= If a team in L.A. needed a temporary home field before moving to a permanent spot, where would you more interested in attending an NFL game?
A) Coliseum, B) Rose Bowl, C) Staples Center (ah, remember those good ‘ol Avengers?)
= Rank the stadium features that would be most important for your decision to pay thousands of dollars for a nosebleed seat should you decline paying for a PSL:
A) the greater the distance from a public transportation drop-off spot, the better, B) a TMZ-free valet zone, C) fast-pass access to concession stands based on who you know in “the industry,” D) personal iPhone recharging station, with WiFi access that blocks any correspondence from Ashton Kutcher, E) unlimited use of water fountains (especially during drought conditions), F) Zumba classes during halftime, G) Brazilian Blowout salon stations open during second-half blowouts, H) Amanda Peet working the counter at a Peet’s Coffee kiosk behind the west end zone.
= What celebrity would you be most offended by in hearing he or she has become the self-anointed high-profile fan of the team?
A) Alyssa Milano, B) Ice Cube, C) Clipper Darrell, D) Mel Gibson, E) Justin Bieber F) Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, or anyone else claiming to be a member of some group named Kiss.
= Because of the current territorial rights, Chargers games have first priority in the L.A. TV market. When those games are on, are you inclined to:
A) enthusiastically watch, because your nephew lives in San Diego and this will give you something to bond over, B) begrudgingly watch because that Panthers-Falcons game on the other channel isn’t much better, C) binge-watch the current season of “The League” on FXX.
= If the NFL got really greedy and dropped two franchises into the L.A. market, which do you consider would best complement each other?
A) Rams and Chargers, B) Jaguars and Vikings, C) Raiders and Chuck E Cheese.
= If the NFL created an expansion team for Los Angeles, and the nickname was assigned based only on stereotypical beliefs of that the rest of the nation has about the region, obviously from jealousy and the fact their company moved to Dallas to get a better tax break, rank the one you would be most insulted by based on a scale of 1 to 7, with “1” being “Are you kidding?” and “7” being “You aren’t kidding, are you?”:
Earthquakes, Quakes, Aftershocks, Epicenters, Landsliders, Mudsliders, Wild Fires, Wives of Larry King County, 405ers, Ron Paul For President 2016, Boxtrolls, Kobe Is A Ballhogers, Award Show Seat Fillers, Flying Puigs, Unicorn Selfies, Guardians of the Galaxy, No-Good Yoga Hippies Living Off Our Taxpayer Subsidies, #FreeBillSimmons.
= If the NFL created an expansion team in Los Angeles and you were given the opportunity to pick the nickname, what would it be:
A) Sun-Tan Skins, B) (insert either Rams, Raiders or Chargers, because who are we kidding here?)