Soccer, with a Red (White and Blue) Bull

8:45 a.m.: I think the ESPN pregame show has already started. Got to watch that first. Lucikly, it's on TiVo.

TiVo pause...

8:50 a.m.: Went outside in my underwear to pick up the newspapers in the driveway. Neighbor lady across the street waved from her front window. Again. Do I mention this to my wife, or keep it quiet?
Now I see why she's waving. My sprinkers are still on and it's flooding the street. Now that I think of it, that's probably why she's been waving at me every morning.
Memo to self: Turn off sprinklers first, then go outside.

8:52 a.m.: Back to the TV. The TiVo shut off and it reverted back to live programming. Hold on, FSN has an infomercial on about some kind of quick-loan funding. The girl looks kinda like Lisa Guerrero. Is this how far she's fallen? "With approval in less than five minutes! Here's a way to recover from debt, or cash out some equities! If you need cash and need it fast ..."
Sorry for the diversion, but doesn't everyone need quick cash?

8:56 a.m.: I know the match starts in less than five minutes, but gotta zip through the pre-game on ESPN2.

Here's the highlights:

Julie Foudy rambles on about the outside backs for the U.S. ...

strong>Alexi Lalas has all his red hair combed foward and it's really distracting. Not as distracting as he used to be (above).

Eric Wynalda looks like a cross between Eric Karros and ... somebody. He says he's "hoping" the U.S. can win Group E, but doesn't think it'll happen.

The scroll across the bottom of the screen notes Jeff Weaver (3-9) lost again for the Angels, in their game Sunday against Seattle. The guy can't catch a break.

9:05 a.m.: Forgot to schedule a wash and flea-dip for the dog. Call to the groomer. They can squeeze her in at 10:30. I'm good.

9:06 a.m.: A reporter named Rob Stone is live (or at least was live at some point) at the gamesite. He reports that the Czech Republic has "home-continent advantage," which is why there are more Czech fans so far at the stadium than U.S. fans. "The U.S. troops that have arrived are loud, vocal, supportive ..." Stone admits. So this is where our U.S. troops are stationed today?

9:11 a.m.: Studio host Reece Davis notes that one of the players left off the Dutch team said he wasn't only disappointed and no longer cared about soccer, he didn't care to live anymore after being left off the team."
"That's sad," said Lalas.

9:12 a.m.: Lalas admits "we in the studio are more nervous than the people at the stadium" in this faraway land called Glesenkirchen, Germany. Gesundheit.

9:15 a.m. A shot of U.S. goalie Kasey Keller warming up. We've got a bald goalie? Does that make him more aerodynamic?

9:18 a.m. (Still in TiVo catchup-mode). The players come onto the field holding hands with little kids. The anthems for both countries play. I have a knot in my stomach. It's from drinking the Red Bull without food, I'm sure, but nonetheless, it's a real moment of emotion and almost throw-up.

9:19 a.m.: TiVo hits the end of the pregame show -- in the middle of our National Anthem. It asks if I want to "delete this recording now" or "don't delete." How do you delete in the middle of ... Forget it, I need the memory space for tonight's episode of "Cheap Seats." It's gone.

9:21 a.m. I know the game has already run about 20 minutes, but I'm going to play more TiVo catchup.
ESPN uses a U2 song to get the viewing audience riled up. There's no American band out there, like the Rolling Stones, that we don't have to import for this?

9:23 a.m.: U.S. in blue. Czechs in white. Dave O'Brien on play-by-play. Yes, I have a problem with him doing this tournament. Who's going to do the Orioles-Royals game on Wednesday nights with him in Germany?

9:24 a.m. U.S. is in a 4-4-2, we're told by Marcelo Balboa. Many pornographic movies filmed right in the San Fernando Valley involve a 4-4-2.

9:25 a.m.: Doorbell rings. UPS delivery. TiVo pause again. It's a shipment of the latest Hansen Brothers bobblehead dolls recently purchased on eBay. But it looks like the three have been fighting each other while in the box: One's head is knocked off, another has a busted arm and the third has his stick broken. I'd return them to get my money back, but somehow, I think this is how the Hansen Brothers are supposed to be. After the game, I'll find a prominent spot on my bookshelf for them.

9:30 a.m. Ref throws up a yellow card to a U.S. player named Oguchi Onyewu. We got a guy named Onyewu? Does my congressman know this? Is he ready to build another 7-foot wall somewhere to keep more Onyewus out?

9:32 a.m. Czechs score? Czechs score!
We suck? We suck.
In actual gametime, it's just about five minutes in, and already, some baldy game named Koller heads it past our baldy.
Dave O'Brien immediately shuffles through his notes and comes up with this one, speaking in hushed tones: "The U.S. has never won a World Cup game in which the opponent has scored first. They're 0-13-1, with a tie against Switzerland."
Who can't tie Switzerland? Why even bother to fast forward at this point?

9:38 a.m.: A closeup of U.S. coach Bruce Arena. Looks like someone perfect for a John Waters flick.

9:39 a.m.: When is there a commercial break so I can speed up to real time? And make my first of many Red Bull-sponsored bathroom blatter relief trips?

9:40 a.m. The U.S. is an 80-to-1 longshot by one oddsmaker to win this thing, O'Brien notes again. Again, why are we watching then?

9:41 a.m.: Bobby Convey has a "wicked left foot," says O'Brien. His right foot, not so wicked, we're guessing.

9:42 a.m. Someone almost gets a header in for the U.S. A Czech dude who looks like Johnny Depp knocks it away. When does the "Pirates of the Carribean" remake come out, by the way?

9:43 a.m.: Here's a picture of my dad fishing in a stream. My mom sent it via email from her cellphone. It has nothing to do with the World Cup. But it's about as exciting to this point.

9:44 a.m. O'Brien refers to one Czech defender as "Gal-LA-sick," then quickly changed it to "GAL-a-sick." The player in question: Tomas Galasek, a midfielder who is the Czech team captain, for cryin' out loud. Better figure that one out pretty darn fast. Balboa gets it right on the replay.

9:52 a.m.: O'Brien, with a shot of Arena on the screen: "His team is down 1-0. Not what the coach had in mind for this FIFA World Cup opener." Really?

9:54 a.m.: It's noted that Landon Donovan hasn't scored in in his last 11 international matches, spanning 1,200 minutes.
Does his girlfriend know this?
Donovan then gets on a breakaway, falls down, draws a yellow card on the opponent. O'Brien calls it "an obvious foul." Not so obvious to us, of course.
There's a graphic that pops up explaining what a yellow card is.
Here's a better explanation: It's a card, it's yellow, it means be careful because if you get another one, it changes to red.
Got it?

9:58 a.m.: Balboa makes his first reference to "we" when talking about the U.S. team. Good for him.

10:01 a.m.: Phone rings. Pause again. It's from my wife's doctor's office reminding her of an appointment tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. Which means I've got to reschedule the guy who is supposed to come over tomorrow at 8 a.m. to recaulk the bathtub. Seriously.

10:05 a.m. There's this cool black 7-speed cruiser, only slightly used, on Craigslist for sale for just $100. I finally make email contact with the owner, Brooke from Playa del Rey, who says it's still for sale. Awesome. I call her and leave a voice message. Maybe I can see it after I take the dog in for the bath...
Oh, right. Back to the game ...

10:12 a.m.: O'Brien: "It's interesting to note the Czech Republic is the only team to score first in a World Cup final and lose ... and they did it twice." More tedious info that doesn't pertain to this match.
Earlier, O'Brien noted that this was the first time the Czech Republic has played under this name -- before, it was Czechslovakia.
What's in a name?

10:15 a.m.: Just another idle thought: If this is "The Beautiful Game," why can't it stand alone as a spectator sport without the two announcers talking over everything? Just then O'Brien says: "Bobby Convey .. played five seasons for D.C. United ... so far he's been quiet." At least he has been.

10:18 a.m.: Wife emails back. She changed that doctor appointment to Wednesday because she had a breakfast meeting for Tuesday, so the caulker can still come over.

10:19 a.m.: Reyna is "inches away from tying it" after a shot hits the post, screams O'Brien. "A terrific buildup, just not the results that the U.S. had in mind." O'Brien is a terrific mindreader, obviously.

10:20 a.m. O'Brien notes that Claudio Reyna is playing "in his fourth World Cup." A graphic drops from the top of the screen that reads: "USA Captain: 3rd World Cup." We'll have to ask Reyna at halftime what the deal is. Or check his FIFA bio. It says only three....

10:21 a.m.: Dog starts barking at something in the living room. Oh, right, time to head off to the groomer. Pause TiVo. Gotta come back to this in about 20 minutes. Life goes on.

10:54 a.m.: Back to TiVo, where the game's in the 30th minute. I already heard on the radio, on Dan Patrick's show during a news update, that the game was in the 85th minute, but I tuned out the score. It's still a surprise to me who wins (kinda). Dan, by the way, was talking only about the NBA Finals and the Ben Roethlesburger motorcycle accident.

10:59 a.m.: Czechs score! Czechs score?
"This is a devistating blow for the United States," O'Brien says as someone from the Czechs - Rosicky - puts the ball into the corner from 35 yards out for a 2-0 lead.
We suck. We suck.
"He ripped that ball from where he was at, but still, you need to do a better job of clearning that ball," says Balboa. "They're playing flat. They haven't done anything to break down the Czech defense. ... Right now the U.S. is playing way too slow."
At least he didn't say "We."

11:08 a.m.: O'Brien (possibly wiping the tears from his eyes): "So here we are in the 41st minute, the United States in the opener down two-nothing to the Czech Republic. And with all the dreaming and all the hoping and everything else that has occured in the last four years since that tremendous run in the quarterfinals in 2002, this (is) the last thing that most of these men believed would happen, to get down two goals to none so quickly."
Balboa: "You've still got a long way to go. You've got a second half and two more games. They can come back from any situation."
Thanks for that reality check, Marcelo.

11:13 a.m.: I can't wait. While this guy Koller lays on the field grabbing his knee, I'll speed up to halftime (past another Jon Lovitz Subway commercial) to hear the studio guys half a world away in Bristol, Conn., assess the damage:
And it's serious, Reece Davis reports: Yes, Ben Roethlesburger has been in a motorcycle accident. Oh, as for the kickball game and the Taco Bell first-half highlights:
-- Alot of goalies are complaining about the ball, and now you see why, Davis says, because, well, the U.S. is down 2-0.

11:17 a.m.: Teams leading by two goals at halftime are 73-0-4 in World Cup history, O'Brien points out as the second half starts. U.S. brings in two new players. Unfortunately, they have to take two others out in the same transaction.

11:19 a.m.: My strategy now is to zip through TiVo with the two green arrows right to the finish unless I see another goal. Or a streaker. Or a German fan in the stands actually enjoying his official Budweiser beer.

11:20 a.m.: Seeing soccer sped up to where the scoreboard clock clicks like watching a 100-meter dash ain't so bad.

11:22 a.m.: Just before the U.S. is ready to throw a guy name Wolff in, Rosicky is just sick. He strikes again in the 76th minute. Czechs "put the game away" at 3-0, Balboa concedes.
The U.S. is getting the crap kicked out of 'em. Is that a fair statement?
Must be. ESPN2 score crawl at the bottom of the screen is already putting up info about the College Baseball World Series.

11:27 a.m.: O'Brien asks the audience to text message who they think is the player of the match. It's not over yet, is it? Still 12 minutes left...

11:29 a.m.: There's an O'Brien player __ John O'Brien, who plays for our Chivas team __ in for the U.S. with a pony tail. Maybe Dave O'Brien has a pony tail up in the booth, but we haven't seen it.

11:32 a.m.: Balboa outlines the U.S. strategy from here: Root for a Ghana-Italy tie, then play it close vs. Italy, then beat the crud out of Ghana and maybe you're a top-two team when Group play is done.

11:34 a.m.: The clock shows 90:00 is finished, but a secondary clock keeps ticking. Just end this pain...

11:35 a.m.: We're proud to announce that the U.S. has finally registered the loss officially on our TV. O'Brien: "We'll see what this team is made of when it faces Italy on Saturday."

11:36 a.m.: Reece Davis, back in the studio where he can't be attacked by anyone except the guy out in the parking lot with the cellphone, calls it a "distasterous opening" for the U.S.

11:36 a.m.: Lalas adds: "If you want all the magazine covers and everyone telling you how improved you are, then you better be ready for the criticism ... that was a complete failure on the U.S.'s part."

11:38 a.m.: Wynalda: "Today was absolutely awful. I'm disappointed in this team."

11:38 a.m.: Foudy: "And so flat. No urgency. It seemed they didn't have their legs.

11:38 a.m.: An email from Setanta, the network that's televising the games in German for the U.S. audience:
"Setanta Sports has just launched a new website feature for those pour souls stuck in an office cubby without access to World Cup games live via television or broadband. This live update section on the web offers a second-by-second game update, facts and figures, line ups, team and player stats, formations, team and player history and more. Basically, the whole kit and kaboodle! You can access the site at www.setanta.com. Click on Match Centre and "live match coverage" on the right hand side of the website. From there you can choose your game and access all the stats. Remember, Setanta has all the games live with German commentary."
Go for it.
Maybe a 3-0 loss would have sounded more tolerable in German.

ESPN2 has a commercial now for Guinness. How does that mix with Red Bull right about now? Someone ask Drew Carey (above), who seems to be pretty happy with the U.S. outcome. Heck, he got in with a photo pass.