If you find youself going to these things just to buy out some guy at a booth who has 2,000 extra Todd Van Poppel cards that he still hasn't unloaded, then more power to you. Van Poppel hasn't reached his full potential and there's still time. Somehow, there are deals to be had at these somewhat depressing annual shindigs, but only on a grander scale. There's probably a poor sap from Wilmington, Del., who paid to have his family come all the way out here so he could finally sell off a business that he invested in 20 years ago.

This is where he gets some other sap trying to support his wife and kids to buy out his inventory so he'll be clear of the headache of making weekend trips to the smallest towns in America trying to dump more cards than he ends up buying because, as he tells his wife, "someday, these could be worth something."

We'll admit to having a healthy baseball card collection. But it's what we did when we were a kid. We saved them. Still have them. Won't buy more. Enough said.

But for those who have been lured to attend these things only to purchase autographs, it gets much sadder. We understand how athletes won't give you the time of day sometimes when you approach them for a scribble on your shirt. Here, they're paid to be nice to you, and it may be your only opportunity to actually shake hands with someone you somewhat admire. You fork out a few $20s for that brief moment of face-to-face contact before some guy in a pony tail is moving you along so the next guy behind you can have that same 10 seconds of quality time.

At the website of Tristar, the company putting on this scam, you can go down the list to see how much it actually costs you, the fan, to potentially intereact with an athlete, some who have long since had their 15 seconds of fame.

Consider these lowlights:

At tonight's four-hour opening for those who need to get in before everyone else, Bush and Leinart are there signing stuff along with Warren Moon. The degrading part of all this, of course, is having to go to the "autograph booth" and buy your selection before hand, off a menu, then hand it to another guy just before you get your moment with the athlete.

Thursday, Leinart was also contracted to appear to sign more stuff, but now the website says he won't be there. So sorry if that's the only day you could come. Be there Wednesday, or you lose. You'd think they'd have someone like one of our all-time favorite baseball players, Rusky Kuntz (pictured here), on standby just in case a tragedy like this occurs. Also appearing Thursday, at 11:30 a.m., is Eddie Murray, the Hall of Famer and Dodgers hitting coach. He's available because the team has the day off. That's funny, since most of the Dodgers squad will be at Trump National Golf Course in Rancho Palos Verdes at that exact time for the annual team charity golf event. But not Eddie. He's got some money to make, not raise, in the O.C.

You see how this plays out?

Sparky Anderson will drive out Thursday from his home in Thousand Oaks to sign stuff, too. Costs is anywhere from $40 (for a baseball card or a photo) to $100 (a jersey, a helmet, something you painted of him). Next to Sparky signing stuff is Jeff Burroughs, the former AL MVP and current dad of Sean. He's only getting $15 a signature -- on anything you throw in front of him. How embrasssing is that for him?
Meanwhile, next to them are Rudy Law (a former Dodger), with Dave Frost and Bobby Knopp (former Angels), who'll only sign stuff (as if you're really interested in them) for those who bought the $109 VIP pass.

Again, see how this works?

Matt Kemp, the Dodgers' rookie outfielder, was also supposed to appear Thursday, but since the team sent him back to Las Vegas Triple A, he's out of luck. Proving, it pays to be a big-leaguer, son.

Over the weekend, Magic will be joined by Frank Robinson (since the Washington Nationals are in town to face the Dodgers -- how convenient), along with Steve Garvey, Gaylord Perry, Don Newcombe, Fred Lynn, Bobby Grich, Steve Carlton, Bart Starr, Duke Snider, Troy Aikman, Rod Carew, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, Steve Young, Marcus Allen, Jim Brown, Thurman Thomas, Barry Sanders, Jim Kelly, Dan Fouts, Tony Dorsett, Bo Jackson, Willie McCovey, Lawrence Taylor, Dick Butkus, Gayle Sayers, Ken Stabler, Andre Dawson and Eric Dickerson.

The most expensive signings: $190 for a helmet or jersey from Montana and Sanders. But it's $200 for a Frank Robinson helmet or jersey, and $200 from just about anything important belonging to Carew, who also posts this stipulation: "Carew will not sign jerseys unless there is at least one other autograph already on the jersey. Carew will not sign jersey numbers, any Legends magazine or Legends items or Ron Lewis 3000 Hit Club posters."
Don't you just want to bring one of those things down there, just to piss him off?

Two other names jump out at us:
Former UCLA coach John Wooden will be there Saturday at 3:30 p.m. He's signing for $60 on any item and $70 for a picture with him.
And what would a autograph convention be without Pete Rose, scheduled to appear Sunday at noon, looking for $70 for anything flat, $90 for anything bigger than usual, $120 for helmets, jerseys, etc., and $90 for a photo.

We're depressed on several levels that Wooden and Rose are making their way out from the Valley to attend this as a way to increase their incomes. But, hey, we're not them. We're just a friend of the guy who blew us off for a day at the beach because he "had to go to this" because it's the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see these legends up close and exchange, perhaps, a pleasantry before they're shoved to the side.

The price of fame? You determine it. It's coming out of your kids' college funds, not mine.