To ESPY or not ESPY

OK, now pretend you're a somebody. You've been dropped off by your limo, gone through security, hung around in the tent waiting for the right moment to come out and there's what you see (above). The TV show interviewers to the left. The grandstands to the right. And a whole lot of red ... but just follow that green arrow ahead.

And we're walking ...

At least wave to the folks who have to sit for three hours in the hot sun pretending to be excited about being there. We're not sure how these people get to be picked for this honor. Maybe they lost on "Stump the Schwab." Later, someone from ESPN will go up there with a box of potato chips and toss them around. Seriously. The perks are endless.

And we're walking ...

And don't forget to spend a few minutes getting shot at. These professionals with long lenses and short fuses will literally scream at the person standing in front of them to "TURN TO THE LEFT" and then "TURN MORE TO THE LEFT" and then "MORE" and then "SMILE REAL BIG AND DON'T BLINK" and then "OK, MOVE ON."
These are some of the same people who stalk restaurants for those tabloid magazine pictures, except what they don't seem to realize here is, the person getting their picture taken here are doing it voluntarily. No need to scream at them.

And we're walking and talking ....

Don't look now, but there's Pat O'Brien, the former CBS sportscaster, now "The Insider." He's in a strategy meeting with his crew. There's an older guy who walks down the carpet and says hello to Pat, who answers back: "Hey, good to see you!" I ask Pat if he knew who that was. "No clue," he said, "But you just gotta be nice to everyone." For the record, I had no clue either. I asked an ESPN spokesman nearby. He wasn't sure if he was someone from "Glory Road" or ... oh, it's Jim Larranaga, coach of George Mason's basketball team. How soon everyone forgets him.

You gotta keep walking, the security guard tells you. Because coming up on your rear end is ...

The woman in red on the red carpet, Danica Patrick, who gets the green light from every living, breathing male within sight. She'll turn around a few times in that tight silk dress to show off what you can't see in that logo-laden flame-retartant jumpsuit that they make her wear for an IndyCar race.

If she's not careful, she'll fall right into the trap of ...

Yup, O'Brien has lured her onto his platform, telling her he was "pulling for her" back at Indy a couple of months ago. Danica takes the bait and does the interview.
O'Brien later tells me: In a few weeks I'll have some news about something sports-related I've got coming up.
He can always leave me a message on my voicemail.

And we're walking some more. Stop complaining about the heat. OK, stop and look back at who else was trapped by a reporter ...

That's Vince Young, talking to famous female pool shark Jeanette "The Black Widow" Lee, who's working for ESPN's Red Carpet pre-show special as a reporter. We weren't sure that was Lee until she was talking to Terrell Owens, and she brought up his skills at billards. She challenged him to a game at the after-show party. "Would you step into my web?" Lee asks. "I'd love to break your balls." After TO walks away, Lee asks her cameraman: "Am I allowed to say that?" We'll see what happens in the final edit.

Now look out for ...

Well, she looks kinda familiar. Oh, it's that figure skater ... uh ... Kimmie Meissner. She looks like she could use an escort.

The AP reported that Meissner, who won the World Figure Skating Championships in March, was flying solo here.

"Some of the people asked me who I was with. I said, 'Me!'" Meissner said.

Although she didn't get an award, Meissner didn't come home empty-handed. Besides receiving several keepsakes, she dragged her father to Rodeo Drive for a whirlwind shopping trip.

"It was unbelievable, the stuff they had there," Meissner said.

Someone in LeBron James' posse doing their impression of Isaac from the "Love Boat." King James probably gets the award for classiest dressed NBA player who signed a new three-year contract extension that day. Although Dwayne Wade , who did the exact same thing, could give him a run for that one.

On a smaller note:

We zoomed as much as we could when Doug Flutie was being interviewed by Ms. Lee. Doug's mother ... oh, wait, that was his wife .... was standing off to the side. Swear, Dougie's hair was a funky shade of black on this day. He must have been dying it hours before he got there.

Anyone remember Mia St. John, the female boxer? She showed up with her daughter. That reminds us, Leon Spinks was also there but sadly so punch drunk he needed help just walking down the carpet.

And it wouldn't be an awards show without ...

Former comedian Tom Dreesen, and someone who we'll refer to as his "niece." When announced to the crowd, there was an uncomfortable murmur. Like what's happening to Dreesen's heart right about now when he finds out how much he has to pay this escort when the night's over.

But wait, there's an entertainment moment you just can't make up:

That's Matt Leinart, actually giving the time of day to ESPN's own Howie Schwab. Leinart looks stumped as to who he's talking to. By the way, Leinart admitted to grabbing some diamond earrings from the ESPY Gift Bag people to give to his mom. Save the receipt.

And if that's not enough of a crazy photo-op for one former Heisman Trophy winner from USC ...

That's Reggie Bush (right, in the white cheerleader outfit) getting pushed away by the paparazzi by Jason McElwain and his family. J-Mac, the autistic team manager who scored all those 3-pointers in a high school game, ends up winning the Best Moment category.

And here are some more best moments, provided by the Associated Press red-carpet photogs:

Leinart gives the photogs the Hollywood treament ...

And Reggie gives them the Andre 3000 wardrobe ...

That's Bode Miller. Sober. Perhaps ...

And snowboarder Hannah Teeter. Not too tipsy...

And Venus Williams. What's she wearing? "I don't know, I just know it's comfortable," she says. So it's not from your fashion-designing sister, Serena? And where is she, by the way?

And finally, for the grand finale, Ashley Judd. Not on the carpet, but inside, presenting the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. Got a chance to pass her on the backstage hall afterward. I introduced myself as "Dario." She didn't buy it. It was worth a shot.

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Not to spoil Sunday's telecast, but since this may be edited out, we thougth we'd pass along some of Lance Armstrong's opening monologue for those who enjoy a good yuck at other's expense:

-- "People have asked me, why are you hosting the ESPYs? I told the producers I'd give my left nut to host this thing." (after a long laugh, he says) "Actually, it was my right nut..."

-- "You know France won the World Cup. All their players tested positive ... for being ass holes."

-- He notes Jake Gylenhaal from "Brokeback Mountain" is in the audience: "Why are you sitting in the front? I thought you liked it in the rear."

-- Later Bode Miller is shown on screen. Lance says: "Bode Miller is here ... totally sober. He only drinks when he races."

An ESPN spokesperson said about what from the monologue will get on the air: "We are currently still editing the show and will be through possibly Saturday. Evaluation ongoing. Intent is for most of monologue to be preserved. We' re of course bleeping the asshole reference." Nice that even in email, you can type in asshole from Bristol, Conn., and it won't get censored.

UPDATE: On Sunday's show, all four of the above jokes were included. Ass holes was censored.

And this? Just the obligatory Chris Berman-has-to-be seen photo from the ceremony, pimping the fact that NASCAR returns to ESPN in ... we stopped listening after he walked on stage.