Wash your mouth out with hammer, nails and soap

You're Vince Welch, a veteran IRL IndyCar Series broadcaster. You've seen some of the biggest events in motorsports history during your career.

But ESPN has a different assignment for you this weekend.

Can you do the 69th All-American Soap Box Derby.
Seriously?

(He is still smiling? Now is he?)

That's when you know a) you need a new agent and b) you might consider selling bibles until retirement.

ESPN carries this thing live today from 1-3 p.m. ESPN2 will re-air it Thursday, July 27 at noon and on Saturday, August 5 at 3 p.m., where Welch's family and friends can be embarassed all over again.

If Welch isn't careful, they might ask him to do the All-American Paper Airplane Throwing Championship from Kitty Hawk, N.C. ... Wright?

For now, we'll just watch some old Soap Box races on our Viewmaster ...