Pimp my golf cart

Money will exchange hands when all is said and done. Whether it goes farther than handing a few head covers, that depends on chemistry, availability and how much of a sugar daddy you care to be.

The altruistic mission statement written apparently by the pimpman (whose name doesn't appear anywhere, probably for legal reasons) is posted on the site:
1. Give women that could not normally afford the high cost of entry or are too intimidated a glimpse of the game by being a caddy.
2. Provide training programs online and around the country at select golf facilities.
3. Bring back the dying profession of the caddy.
4. To provide a scholarship fund for our caddies wanting to become professional golf caddies.

Charity begins at home. And someone named Charity can be the one searching through your pockets for a ball marker on the 8th green if you're lucky.

The fine print (it's on another page) says you have to be 18 or older to be a user of the site. Or to join his harem.
These are college students or models looking for part-time work. Some know golf. Some will admit they know nothing.

How stupid do you want them?

And this is all on the up-and-up? Apparently so.

Here's how it works:
= Search the site for the golf course you plan to play
= Sift through the list of girls who are willing to join you at that course
= Book the girl on line (note when she's available and when she's not)
= Give the guy who runs this website -- we'll call him the pimp -- $20 as the "finder's fee"
= Pay the girl when you're finished with the round. She's an "independent contractor" and doesn't work for CaddyChicks.com, per se.
= Go home either empty handed, or arrange a round of golf next week with the same chick, and save yourself from going onto her MySpace.com posting to find out more about her secret life.

Against all logical reasoning, we decide to at least give this a whirl:

Say, we're going to Harding Course at Griffith Park this week. Not sure what day. Maybe just to wack the ball by ourselves.
Click around and we find ... holy cow, 51 girls to choose from at this site!
Let's see who's up to the task. If only Chuck Woolery could help guide us through this mess.

Here's Marisa, from North Hollywood. She's 24. 5-foot-3, 115 pounds, charges $40 an hour and prefers to drive a cart. "I am a professional dancer and cheerleader. I am fun, outgoing, friendly, and I love to meet new people. I am new to golfing, so I would love for you to teach me all about it!" She's free all this week from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m.

OK .....

What about Charlotte, from Redondo Beach. She's 29, 5-foot-2, 110 pounds, charges $35 an hour and is also cool with the cart. "If you're here you're looking for good company as well as someone to help you out while playing one of Man's greatest sports...why not chose someone that golfs! I love the sport and would love nothing more than to spend my day with others to enjoy it too! Before you ask my handicap, I'm not THAT great, but I make up for it with plenty of style and my X-14's ;) Outgoing, USC educated, cultured, well traveled, and knows the difference between a wedge and a wood!" Her schedule is wide open next week.

Not bad ... USC educated? And she's doing this ...

(Why do we start to feel dirty right about now ...)

Sara from L.A. shows some promise. She's 24, 5-foot-9 and 128 pounds. For $35 an hour, she'll even go on the pullcart route. All she has to say about herself, though, is: "UCLA educated, party starter/barmitzfah dancer, fitness model." Doesn't sound like she'll be much of a conversationalist, does she? But she does seem ... what the heck does she seem? How can you tell anything except from a few racy pictures...

Not bad ... UCLA educated? And she's doing this ....

Now, if Nicole from Carlsbad showed up at the course looking like this, we'd never make our tee time. She's a 5-foot-5 22 year old who wants $30 an hour and prefers a cart. (As we note, very few are willing to walk. Probably because that would make them sweaty. Although any good businesswoman could figure out: You walk a golf course, you take more time, and if you're charging by the hour, the longer the better). Nicole offers nothing else from her bio. How mysterous ... Except in the place where is says "Golf knowledge," she answers: "What is golf?" There's a keeper. NOT.

Talor, as opposed to Taylormade, is from L.A., says she charges $400 an hour, and -- what the hell do you think she'll do for $400 an hour! Knit you a new wedge cover. There's no way to tell if that's a typo or a come-on for you to contact her to find out the real going rate.. But just look at her. She says she's 21. That's already some false advertising. "IIM WITTY AND INTERTAINING, A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY! I WILL ADD FUN AND GOOD LUCK TO YOUR GAME, IM WORTH IT!" Really, worth $400 an hour? Who's her idol, Heidi Fless? Don't trust anyone who types in all capital letters. They're way too high maintence. Even on a golf course. Even if you just ask them to pop open the top of that can of beer. They brake a nail, you never hear the end of it ...

This is just getting more and more icky.

Here's one named ... Heaven? Yup. A 19-year-old who's ... as old as my kid. "Love the outdoors, love sports, and love life. I'm a responsible, hard-worker and I listen well." Listen well? I'm not directing a porn movie, just looking for someone to toss me a 60 degree wedge without hurting herself. Heaven - and I'm sure that's your real name - do me a favor: Call your dad and have him pick you up by 4:30 so you can make it back for dance class. You have no business offering yourself to men on a golf course who get behind a sand trap and think since they're paying you, they own you. Especially with those Japanese golfers... but we won't get into that.

This is getting more and more wrong ...

Let's see about ... C. That's her name. C. A 26-year-old who goes for $37 an hour (that's an odd price ... maybe she does have a brain and has figured out she needs at least $100 to make this worth her while, and after three hours she's going to bail no matter what) and she's a walker. And, apparently, talker. "I am a reliable caddy that will be a good assistant for you," she writes, starting to make us wonder why she's not already asking for HMO care and good dental plan. "Depending on the situation and atmosphere, I can be fun, but serious and helpful to keep you to be on top. Although, there are some things I need to know about golfing, I believe that Caddy is an important person to the golfer, and because the two of them develop a camraderie from spending significant amounts of time on the golf course together, I would like to be the kind of caddy that you can trust for moral support during competiti ..." That's where it cuts off. She's probably still talking somewhere. And she's got some time this week. Wonder why. You got a fettish for an Asian chick in a sailor suit, suit yourself.

We get to the very last candidate. This is Iris. She's 20. From Los Angeles. She's only charging $12 an hour -- by far the lowest price we've seen. She says only she's been golfing a couple of times. She offers no more information except this picture taken in a mirrow with her camera phone. That's pretty creative considering she has no modeling agency photos up there.

So here's what we've come do: We're bargain shopping. And we apparently stumbled onto the very last chick -- wonder why she's at the end of the list -- and now we're almost ready to click on that ... Wait, it says she's "NA" all next week. Not available? Or No Aspirations of helping a guy in need out with a little handwedge on the back nine.

Hey, whatever makes your putter flutter.