We're not going to tell you what to guzzle after a couple hours in the park playing hoops with your friends, following a long run through West Hills, or what you'll take into the boxing ring when you fight Fernando Vargas (try some new, improved Sugar-free Shane Mosley).

But here's our poor-man's evaluation of the readily available sports drinks, what they claim to offer (none of them have fat or protein), what they really do offer, and our take:

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TRADERADE:

Average cost: 99 cents for a 20 oz. bottle (about 4.95 cents per ounce).
Key nutrition facts for an 8 oz. serving:
Calories: 70
Sodium: 60 mg
Potassium: 60 mg
Sugar: 18 g
Other ingredients:
Vitamin C (100 percent of daily requirement)
What's it made of:
Filtered water, cherry juice, raspberry juice, strawberry juice, white grape juice, aronia juice.
The marketing pitch on the bottle: "Here comes a sports drink with all the energy-building & electrolyte replenishing benefits you get from the usual suspects, but with actual fruit juice inside the bottle. ... Less sugar than soda, no artificial flavors or colors ... 100% great taste."

Our taste test: Probably the right balance of stuff to make it seem like something you'd drink even if you weren't working out, but it's lethal enough to give you a boost if you are winding down from a run or playing horse shoes. Tastes much less puky than the others because of the sodium. Not sure why they're comparing the lack of sugar to soda, since this isn't something you'd drink if you really wanted a Diet Coke or something similar. The natural fruit sugar would seem to be better than having all that refined stuff added, but what do we know? Lower on calories, if it matters.

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GATORADE (standard mix)

Average cost: $1.25 for 32 oz bottle (about 3.9 cents per ounce); most 20 oz. bottles come in a six- or eight-pack average 4.4 cents per ounce
Key nutrition facts for an 8 oz. serving:
Calories: 90
Sodium: 160 mg
Potassium: 50 mg
Sugar: 22 g
What's it made of:
Water, sucrose syrup, glucose-fructose syrup, citric acid.
The marketing pitch on the bottle: "No fruit juice. ... Shake well. Refrigerate after opening." (Apparently, everyone sees the commercials and doesn't need another blast of ad talk).

Our taste test: First off, we notice they make no claims about the water used as being filtered, cleaned, or otherwise (that'll be a recurring theme). It that just an oversight? And perhaps we're a bit naive, but who knew there was that much sugar loaded into these bottles? This is what we're focing the kids to fire down during halftime of a soccer game. No wonder they're so amped for the rest of the day. Or that Gatorade is so sophisticated that it has other different combinations of its liquid Sugar Smacks? Read on ...

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GATORADE RAIN

Average cost: $1.25 for 32 oz bottle (about 3.9 cents per ounce)
Key nutrition facts for an 8 oz. serving:
Calories: 50
Sodium: 110 mg
Potassium: 30 mg
Sugar: 14 g
What's it made of:
Water, sucrose syrup, glucose-fructose syrup, citric acid.
The marketing pitch on the bottle: "The crisp, clean taste of Gatorade Rain ... the same scientifically proven formula and a refreshingly different taste."

Our taste test: Well, the formula really is altered here, isn't it? Much less sodium, potassium and sugar means almost half the calories. So, it's really Gatorade Lite, but they don't want to call it that. The taste is more refreshing because, hey, it's more watered down. By rain? No, just a little more h-two-oh, a little less of the other junk. It's just a clever way of trying to apease those of us who are replused by all that extra sugar in the regular mix. It is a little easier on the stomach as well. But if you really want to crank it up the other direction ...

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GATORADE ENDURANCE FORMULA

Average cost: $1.79 for 34 oz bottle (about 5.3 cents per ounce)
Key nutrition facts for an 8 oz. serving:
Calories: 50
Sodium: 200 mg
Potassium: 90 mg
Sugar: 14 g
What's also in it: Calcium, magnesium.
What's it made of:
Water, sucrose syrup, glucose-fructose syrup, citric acid.
The marketing pitch on the bottle: "Research at the Gatorade Sports Science Institute shows that sodium drives your desire to drink fluids and helps your body retain them. That means better hydration. Athletes in high intensity and longer workouts can lose significant amounts of sodium and fluid in sweat. ... the 200 mg of sodium (twice that of Gatorade Thirst Quencher) and four other electrolytes put back more of what you lose, so you can stay better hydrated and perform your best."

Our taste test: It has a fine bouquet, a little hint of oak ... what the heck do you think it tastes like? Ever gulped salt water in the ocean? Don't drink this on an empty stomach or you'll be driving the porcelan bus back to the bedroom. The other problem is that we could only find it in 34-oz bottles -- hardly convenient if you're on a long run and wanted to lug this around with you. This is probably the stuff the real athletes drink, and what Keith Jackson is talking about when he does those goofy commercials, but were not even sure a school of fish off the Malibu shore would ingest this without something toxic happening to their gills. Read more about it at www.gatoradeperformance.com

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POWERADE

Average cost: $1.59 for 32 oz bottle (about 5 cents per ounce); 20 oz bottles usually come in six- or eight-packs.
Key nutrition facts for an 8 oz. serving:
Calories: 60
Sodium: 55 mg
Potassium: 30 mg
Sugar: 15 g
What's also in it: Niacin, Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12 (10 percent of daily requirement each)
What's it made of:
Water, high fructose corn syrup, maltodextrin.
The marketing pitch on the bottle: "Great tasting, high performance beverage ... liquid fuel designed to feed you rmaverick spirit ... no leading sports beverage produces more energy. No other thirst quencher is more effective."

Our taste test: A direct target on Gatorade by the Coca-Cola company, using their language and throwing it back at them, plus adding some vitamins. But when you see the second ingredient in each has the word "syrup," doesn't that just not sound right? What creeps us out most of this is that blue color for the Mountain Blast flavor. It's kind of a glowing, toxic-looking thing. The fact it has the Olympic logos on the lable and is "a proud sponsor of the US Olympic team" shouldn't be a factor. Our advice: Fight the power.

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NOW, FOR COMPARISON'S SAKE:

GLACEAU VITAMIN WATER

Average cost: $1.49 for 20 oz bottle (about 7.5 cents per ounce).
Key nutrition facts for an 8 oz. serving:
Calories: 50
Sodium: 0 mg
Potassium: 100 mg
Sugar: 13 g
What's also in it: Vitamin C (40 percent of daily requirement), Vitamin B3 (20 percent), Vitamin B6 (20 percent), Vitamin B12 (20 percent), Vitamin B5 (20 percent)
What's it made of:
Vapor distilled, deionized and/or reverse osmosis water, crystalline fructose.
The marketing pitch on the bottle: "Although this product contains more of the right electrolytes you need (minus the sodium found in other sports drinks), it's not just for serious athletes. Sure, 'jocks' seeking more oomph to go extra innings, play a fifth-set tiebreaker or nail a triple axel benefit from drinking this beverage. However it has been said that the 'athletically challenged' can also use it while engaging in their own forms of strenuous activities like, well, becoming a dungeon master or playing a game of full-contact pictonary."

Our taste test: From the creative writing pitch alone, we're sold. This is what we thought we were close to getting with Traderade, but now we see the salty truth. Its only unfortunate downside is that the bottle of lemon-lime looks like a Floyd Landis urine sample.

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PROPEL FITNESS WATER

Average cost: $1 for 23.7 oz bottle (about 2.4 cents per ounce).
Key nutrition facts for an 8 oz. serving:
Calories: 10
Sodium: 5 mg
Potassium: 0 mg
Sugar: 2 g
What's also in it: Calcium (10 percent of daily requirement), Vitamin B6 25 percent), Niacin (25 percent), Vitamin B12 (4 percent), Pantothenic Acid (25 percent)
What's it made of:
Water, sucrose syrup, malic acid.
The marketing pitch on the bottle: "Created by the makers of Gatorade ... (it) hydrates and nourishes your active body and it comes with calcium to help maintain bone health. ... Made for Bodies in Motion."

Our taste test: Since it's made by Gatorader's raiders, be care of what's in it and what you're expecting from something that just looks like flavored water. Again, the water used isn't described as "filtered" or "reverse osmosis" or whatever bottled water companies to do clean it up.

SO WHAT DID WE LEARN HERE:

1. Gatorade is still be thrown at other people, rather than something to consume.
2. Sodium is supposed to be good, but it can make your stomach knot up at the worst times.
3. Beware of sugar. You can escape it.
4. We're wasting an awful lot of plastic to churn these out -- that can't be good for the environment.
5. What's so wrong about an ice-cold Corona?