A word from the wise (guy)
When faced with pressing issues from readers that need to be addressed, Mr. Wise Guy has the stationery and penmanship to find the right envelope, stamp it and personally deliver.
Mr. Wise Guy, actually a postal-worker-in-training who takes perpetual umbrage in the constant annoying state of
the sports media, put up his usual fight when summoned from the cramped quarters of his brother-in-law’s rumpus room to make a quasi-annual appearance as the ombudsman for fellow grouchy couch potatoes.
Just be aware going in, he’s not in a real swell mood. His investment went bad in Bad Newz Kernels, a hip-hop popcorn online company whose server crashed because of a computer virus delivered ironically by carrier pigeon
from PETA because the group leaders were convinced there was some connection to Michael Vick.
Before things get out of hand - and they will - we’ve asked nicely that he field these questions without getting too persnickety:
Question: What is your good ol’ take on this new Big Ten Network? Is it true the SEC is going to do this, too? Is all this laying the groundwork for every college conference to get its own channel?
= K.J., Sherman Oaks, Calif.
Answer: Whoa, Nielsen.
Here’s a quote trying to justify this exercise in greed from Jim Delany, the commissioner of the Big Ten (still living in denial that it actually has 11 members), who seems to be surprised he’s defending a channel that maybe Aunt Gertie and Uncle Ferd in Plainview, Minn., really don’t want to kick in the extra buck a month for on their cable bill.
“When the cable company decides to send 70 channels - the food channel, the dog channel and the bike channel and the jewelry channel - into your home, the Big Ten Network deserves to be in the grouping,” he said with a straight face.
Especially if Rachel Ray does a whole show dedicated on how best to sculpture Wisconsin cheese at a tailgate party.
Who’s gonna be left with farm fresh organic egg all over their face when the overnight programming consists of Co-ed Championship Hay Bailing, spilling over into the Chase for the Intramural Mulchers Association Handspreaders competition, which then pushes back the documentary: “Northwestern Men’s Water Polo: Hold On To Your Speedos!”
Maybe not Comcast or Time Warner cable, which so far have held out from taking this in.
As for the SEC starting up its own channel: How soon before that Little Miss Sunshine from South Carolina maps out a career as a sideline reporter at the conference hornet-swatting finals?
Put it this way: The major games will continue to be on the major networks. The minor sports, as well as the games no one really cares about, will grovel for outlets like these. The Internet looks like the best (and cheapest) route to
go with video streaming, and no public feuds with cable companies who say they simply have no room for such a thing. Especially when the jewelry channel has a spinoff in the works devoted to Lindsay Lohan brand label cubic zirconium ankle bracelet / tracking devices.
Question: How about this new “Monday Night Football” team . . . got any gauge as to how long it will take these guys to mesh without any real intelligent person left in the booth?
= J.T., Washington, D.C.
Answer: We’ve only been able to stomach a couple of these exhibitions in exhibition football, but the one thing we’ve immediately noticed is that Jaws doesn’t come off as some pietistic,
mealy-mouthed, obstreperous, pouty nannicock who invented not just the Xs, but the Oh’s, in professional football. That’s a good thing.
Kornheiser, subsequently, isn’t off in a corner readying “The Secret” and seems back in the flow. Even a little
opinionated.
Tirico . . . he’s the guy whose hairline looks like a Google map of the island hole at the TPC at Sawgrass, right?
Question: Who’s now?
=S.V.P., Bristol, Conn.
Answer: Definitely not you.
Question: What do you know about this 103-inch high def Panasonic plasma TV they’ve got for sale down at Ken Cranes - the beast is more than 7½-feet wide, weighs more than 600 pounds, costs $70,000 . . . How does looking live at a sporting event get any better?
= B.M., Williamsport, Pa.
Answer: I just saw a bunch of kids at the store gathered around to watch the Little League World Series on it and clamoring for more shots of Erin Andrews.
Question: You seen to have all the answers about sports TV programming. What shows would you want to see if you had your own network?
=D.E., New York, heading off to China.
Answer: Glad you asked.
First, NBC doesn’t have enough members on its “Football Night in America” studio show. Make Bob Costas, Keith Olbermann, Tiki Barber, Cris Collinsworth, Peter King and Jerome Bettis slide over for Johnny Miller, Meredith Vieira, Kevin Eubanks, Mariska Hargitay, Snoodle Doo from Veggie
Tales, Milo Ventimiglia and, as an essayist, the guy who plays Dwight Schrute from “The Office.” With Al Roker as the skinny weather chick.
Then figure out a way for Jimmy Roberts to get a spot on “Last Comic Standing.”
And arrange an hour-long variety show for Roger Cossack on ESPN, although surely the guys in legal couldn’t put enough into the contract to satisfy him. With Stuart Scott as his sidekick. Just kickin’ it.
Steve Lyons, hosting “Broadcast Bloopers and Predictable Mishaps.” Or “Around The Horn,” whichever is less funny.
And bring back the XFL. With Michael Vick hosting the Westminster Dog show at halftime.
Mearly a suggestion.