Like clockwork, the Beijing Burnout kicks in

There has come a point, far too early in this 17-day television viewing sprint, where team handball starts to merge with "Hardball with Chris Matthews" on MSNBC, where we can't tell if CNBC is airing "Squawk Box" or a boxer squawking about a decision that went against him, where Matt Vasgersian starts to morph into "Monk" star Tony Shalhoubon USA Network -- and is that the Tori Spelling reality show on Oxygen or some story telling about the equestrian event.
And wait -- is that horse actually a unicorn?

Friday's media column will focus on Paul Sunderland taking the storyline of the death of the U.S men's volleyball coach's father-in-law through NBC coverage this week, and how Vasgersian is surviving in New York, thousands of miles away from Beijing but just as crimped having to be in bed every night by 7 p.m. so he can do the early morning shows. Sunday, the plan is to catch up with Lindsay Soto, who we just spotted on the USA Net doing an interview with James Blake after he upset Roger Federer at the U.S. Open. No wait, it was in Beijing. So it was an even bigger deal?
Until then, why do we have this constant urge for Panda Express at 4 a.m.?

The graphic sometimes says "live," but we know better. Still, we want to believe. We tell everyone we know, yes, it was live. At some point. On some day. Just not today. And probably not tomorrow. Live is only a state of mind. And our mind is like a omlette. A French omlette, that keeps telling us how it's sooooo much better than an American omlette.
We flip to a cable channel where we know a live event is happening, but it's a replay of a game that we were under the impression didn't start until two days from now. Maybe it really did.
And we're not sure if the Opening Ceremonies have ended, because we keep seeing stories about fake fireworks and lipsynching kids that just don't make any sense. Shouldn't those kids be at a Nike factory?
Debbie Phelps is grabbing Cris Collinsworth's knee. Collinsworth is now talking to Dara Torres, who is bouncing her young daughter on her knee. Neither of his interviews with those two mention where the father figure is in the family. Too touchy a subject? Or is Cris the surrogate dad now?
Mary Carillo is explaining the birth rate of giant pandas, how beavers build dams and snacking on deep-fried scorpions. She gets paid for doing this. You don't.
Bob Costas is in deep discussion about foreign policy with President Bush. Yet we're sychronized the TiVo to record a Jet Li movie on Cinemax to kill a few hours between more synchronized swimming.
Rowdy Gaines is rowdy. Julie Foudy is pouty. And Al Trautwig ... when did he replace John Tesh on gymnastics?

We read that a women's weightlifting gold was awarded to Prapawedee Jaroenrattanatarakoon of Thailand. Thank goodness she's not having her name engraved on the Stanley Cup.
Craig Sager is looking a little punch drunk at the U.S.-Mali women's basketball game that turns into a 72-31 blow out in the third quarter, leading Mike Breen to tell viewers that, "to spice things up at some point in the fourth quarter, we're going to have Ann Meyers talk about her top five embarassing moments in her life." And she comes back with: "You mean, working with you?"
There's a shot of Brandi Chastain, who we swear was just in a studio in New York with JP Dellacamera doing the call off a TV screen of the U.S. men's soccer game against Nicaragua, now standing on the field talking to American player Brian McBride after the loss that knocked them out of the tournament. Or wait, that's Foudy. How'd she get to Beijing so fast?
Michael Phelps throws his goggles aside because water got into them and he couldn't see. If only our goggles were full Visine.
Are we watching synchronized diving again, or is it just one diver with our blurred vision?
And Jimmy Roberts is starting to look too much like Jim Gray. And sound like him. And act like him.
Fred Roggin has popped up again on boxing. Why isn't he at the curling venue?
We also can't tell if that's a commercial for the new KNBC Channel 4 weather girl, or guys in the office are really going up to Elita Loresca and asking for the seven-day forcast because they're too intimidated by her storm front.
Prime time after prime time, it's the same menu: Swimming, gymnastics, beach volleyball, Costas, Andrea Kremer talking to Phelps, and archery. Not really archery. Just put that to see if you'd been paying attention. The day NBC puts archery on the 8 p.m. to 12:30 a.m. window is when Geena Davis tries to make the team again.

At some point, even Bela Karoyli starts to make sense. As we fade into another break for local news, we can hear Bela in our ear: "You can do it!" So we plunge on.
By this point, we actually feel bad for Mary, the "Phelps Phan" who doesn't have enough cellphone bars. Hope she at least has a TV set that works. Because over on NBC's "Today" show (which is actually tonight in China), Mark Spitz is on to talk about Phelps. Spitz is actually in New York, explaining that he'd really like to be in Beijing but a sponsor he's working for piled on some extra work and he won't be able to go. So it's not NBC's fault that he's not there. Nor the IOC's. But some sponsor -- which he refuses to name. Kind of defeats the purpose of a sponsor hiring him, doesn't it?
And then Meredith Viera admits that, as a school girl, she had a crush on him and wanted to marry him. Maybe it's better Spitz is in New York instead of sucking Beijing smog.
Back to water polo. Angola versus France. Bombo Calandula twists her knee and has to come off. No, wait, it's team handball. We just didn't recognize there was no water. Please, Bombo. Take care of yourself. And learn the backstroke.
As Costas signed off recently, with a nod to the movie "The Truman Show," it's good morning, good afternoon and good night all rolled up into one. We're not sure when reality crossed over into fantasy.
Yes, it all looks the same after a while. That's part of the endurance test. Can you overcome the mental edge? It's a marathon, not a sprint. And Sprint -- that's what the Phelps Phan should switch over to on her cell plan. Either that, or rent "Kung Fu Panda" for the rest of the morning/afternoon/night before trying to find out how many home runs Manny Ramirez has hit that day/tomorrow/yesterday.