August 2006 Archives

Fox launched another new night of programming last night with modest success. "Bones" returned, followed by the new legal drama "Justice." Both had close to 9 million viewers, with "Justice" improving a little on its lead-in. By contrast, Tuesday's debut of "Celebrity Duets" (featuring the semi-coherent ranting of Little Richard in full self-parody mode) was beaten by the lowly "Big Brother," managing 8.3 million viewers, which one source described as successful and another deemed a disappointment. If this show picks up, it'll no doubt be due to LR, so take a look at what it takes to get attention on TV these days.

So General Motors has pulled its advertising from the new edition of "Survivor," but both the automaker and CBS insist the decision has nothing to do with its upcoming controversial installment segregating teams by race.

Of course GM wouldn't find the concept dubious. After all, they're the folks responsible for the Pontiac Aztek. But GM spent nearly $15 million on advertising in "Survivor" last season, a sizeable chunk of the show's income for CBS. Coca-Cola, Home Depot, UPS and Campbell Soup have also withdrawn ad support for the upcoming season, all insisting the new format has nothing to do with their decisions, as well. Lots of coincidences there, but no point in burning bridges: They might want to re-up in the show in the future, when all the bad blood generated on the show is the usual contestant grandstanding.

That story broke yesterday. Today, CBS says it has replaced GM, but, demure flowers that they are and therefore disinclined to hype, the network refused to name the new advertiser. A Confederate flag manufacturer, perhaps?

"Survivor" has lost considerable steam from its pop-culture-phenomenon days, but it's still one of the highest-rated shows in primetime. Of course, if its rate of viewer attrition proceeds apace, that won't remain true for long.

"Survivor" doesn't just have commercial breaks; it can be wall-to-wall commercials, as it employs copious product placement - the contestants win the advertisers' products after sundry competitions. One extremely, er, lucky contestant even won one of those Pontiac Azteks. (See? You could give them away.)

A GM spokeswoman explained, “We decided that the format of the show — people stranded on a desert island — didn’t enable us to achieve what we were trying to do. We like to integrate the product more into the storyline and become more of a character in the storyline.�?

But given the new season's racial theme, that should've been workable: Think "Survivor: Driving Miss Daisy."

Apparently, you just can't beat a dead horse enough.

The original "Star Trek" series has been digitally remastered with updated special effects and visuals. So it'll look less cheesy, compared to today's more sophisticated effects. The new look debuts in syndication mid-September.

Can the computers also do something about Shatner's acting? Can they make "Spock's Brain" less stupid?

Though "Entourage's" latest inside joke definitely will not go into that good night quietly, your Mayor, that discreet fount of knowledge, has decided to share an anecdote (and, honestly, this one is true).

One of my colleagues was attempting to wrestle a quote from Mr. Evans for a story for which he would be but a small portion, but he was proving elusive, offering only to provide her with his rapier insight only if she trekked to his Beverly Hills mansion. I - at that point, not nearly the established politico I am today - accompanied her, as she was somewhat concerned as to his intentions. We were received by Mr. Evans' famed manservant, who escorted us to the screening room celebrated in story and song (or, at least, story), and seated us at a poker table.

In due time, Mr. Evans emerged, wearing only a purple bathrobe (perhaps it was navy; this was a decade ago). He hiked up a leg upon a chair next to my colleague, allowing her ample exposure to any parts of his anatomy that might nominally be concealed by said robe, and expounded at length. She escaped not only with her requisite quote, but also her dignity, intact.

Let's see Martin Landau try that.

Lately, it has become de rigeur for pundits to equate those who disagree with them with Nazis. Jon Stewart has pointed this out, calling out both sides of the ideological fence. And certainly, the Good People of Television exist most peaceably when we all agree that all our decisions are the correct ones.

But when Donald Rumsfeld declared that what is now a majority of Americans are both "intellectually" and "morally" wrong, and compared them to Nazis, MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, singularly, offered a brilliant top-to-bottom criticism of that mindset. Few commentators will speak this passionately against an empowered administration.

So guess who's gonna get a ruthless audit from the IRS?

As Mayor of Television, I am invited to a great number of important functions and and an even greater number of unimportant ones. Today, I had the great fortune, so to speak, of being invited to an event commemorating the launch of "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy!" in the High-Definition format.

How gratifying to know that these programs will soon be able to be seen with the crisp attention to detail they've always merited. Sporting events have benefited greatly from the gorgeous visuals HDTV offers, and now, our intellectual sporting events will, as well. How many times have you wanted to play along with "Wheel," only to be frustrated by the fuzzy quality of the letters? No longer. And now that "Jeopardy!"'s questions-in-the-form-of-answers will be razor-sharply readable, perhaps I will be able to answer one of them now and again.

Mark Cuban, owner of HDNet, once told me - and, yes, as your Mayor, it is my privilege and duty to consort with, or at least name-drop, billionaires - that after experiencing HDTV, many viewers find it difficult or at least disappointing to return to shows broadcast in the old analogue manner. Indeed, after watching an NBA game in High-Definition, one notices the distinct difference when switching over to the muddier, more muted images of "The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer." Or perhaps that's just what Blitzer looks like. I fear that no technology, however, will ever make the TV Guide Channel palatable.

But HDTV should prove to be a real boon once we're able to watch the newly slender Katie Couric deliver "The CBS Evening News." And HDTV might've even been able to help us more easily discern that CNN anchor Kyra Phillips was dissing her sister-in-law with her mic live in a bathroom while President Bush was blathering away about how important the people of New Orleans are to him.

Hence, the possibility of seeing Vanna White turn letters that spell out the phrase "PINEAPPLE UPSIDEDOWN CAKE" via cutting-edge technology is a triumph for the Good People of Television, one we should all applaud and embrace. Sadly, however, I must send my regrets to Ms. White and Mssrs. Trebek and Sajak on their celebration, at which the Champagne will surely pour: I'm having my teeth waxed that day.

Your esteemed Mayor has had a rare ideological break with the Council of Network Executives, who seem to think that providing the nation's TV critics with but one mere episode of the new series debuting this fall is sufficient to ascertain their quality.

Of course, this is the same pilot episode that the networks provided critics with back in May or June. Nothing has been accomplished since then?

Pilots, of course, are shot on more leisurely schedules, with larger budgets, than regular episodes, and writers have all the time in the world to hone their scripts. These luxuries are denied showrunners during the course of the regular season, so the true test of a series is how well it holds up under the duress of an unforgiving schedule. Thusfar, the networks have been loathe to offer critics insight into that aspect of their new shows.

The one new series I might've considered giving a pass to on this count was Fox's latest conspiracy thriller "Vanished," which debuted very early, last Monday. But the producers of "Prison Break," which also premiered last Monday, managed to provide two episodes for review, so the fine folks at "Vanished," had they been so inclined, likely could have done so, as well.

Most of the shows that are debuting before the official Sept. 18 start date for the new season are from Fox - "Justice" premieres tomorrow, "Standoff," "'Til Death" and "Happy Hour" next week. None have provided a second episode for review, despite my repeated efforts to coax more from them. Perhaps the most egregious example of a network's stonewalling, however, comes from ABC, whose "Men in Trees" debuts Sept. 12, with another episode airing a few days later - and yet, ABC has provided only the pilot episode for review.

Invariably, the reason given for short-shrifting reviewers is that future episodes aren't completely finished. But the networks also send out unfinished edits of shows when it suits their purposes, and anyway, well-written and -executed television with the occasional piece of temporary looping or missing shots or time-coding still stamped on the image is still better than a supremely polished piece of hackwork.

No screeners for shows debuting the week of Sept. 18 have been distributed as yet. But if those don't include multiple episodes, the Mayor might have to take some drastic actions. Such as whining further.

Consider: Last year, ABC's "Commander In Chief" had a thoroughly workable pilot that promised good things. But the show's production arm fell utterly apart during the course of its run and, despite initial high ratings, hemorrhaged viewers as the season wore on. That's the sort of thing the networks want to conceal from viewers, but as that anecdote suggests, viewers will figure it out anyway. What critics could've done was save viewers a couple of hours of their lives by warning them of the gathering creative storm.

While "Rescue Me" inarguably stands right now as the series that takes the most chances creatively - it alienated, or risked alienating, a large chunk of fans with a storyline that had Denis Leary's Tommy Gavin raping his ex-wife Janet (Andrea Roth) (despite the outcry, ratings didn't drop) - it might do well to reconsider the all-shocks-all-the-time strategy.

As I argued in the link above, the initial scene was justifiable, if really unpleasant to sit through, in that it spoke to an epically dysfunctional relationship. A couple of episodes later, however, Janet turned the tables on Tommy, as the storyline descended into, well, blithering idiot frat-boy fantasy. Add to this how Marisa Tomei was wasted (for a petty scheme that went nowhere) and Susan Sarandon, whose character initially seemed intriguing, turned out just to be a deux ex machina to deliver Daniel Sunjata's Franco from the rigors of single-parenthood so he could continue to pursue women unabated. Tatum O'Neal has earned some laughs as Tommy's carrousing sister, sort of a female one of the guys, but the show hasn't really exploited her behavior to force the guys -- who are variously intimidated/put off/bemused by it -- to examine their own.

Well, tonight's season-three finale should finally put to rest just what Leary and his co-creator Peter Tolan think of women.

As we go into tonight's episode, Tommy's cop brother Johnny (Dean Winters) was murdered, Jerry (Jack McGee) suffered a heart attack and just about everybody at the firehouse was planning to go their separate ways. Tommy promised Shiela (Callie Thorne), the widow of his cousin Jimmy (James McCaffrey), that he was going to retire from the FDNY and that they would move into a beach house together, but of course everyone except her knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

So the episode performs the requisite calisthenics to reunite the firehouse crew, then lumbers to its requisite cliffhanger. Which, I must say, I found incredibly stupid, a complete and utter implosion of ideas.

The writers have given Thorne some brutally emotional material, and they've also given her some brutally dopey material, and she has always been up to the task, plunging into bizarre, distraught realms with an astonishing commitment and vigor. Tonight, however, Shiela's taken to new levels of flibbertigibbet histrionics. And consider: She was married to a firefighter; she's involved with a firefighter and yet watch her with a fire extinguisher tonight.

Moreover, it's one of those cliffhangers that plays as splashy but doesn't really offer any suspense as to how it'll turn out.

"Rescue Me" still boasts some of the most crackling dialogue on TV, as well as the most compellingly screwed up characters. But Johnny's death puts the number of main characters with even a tenuous grasp on their surroundings at zero, and tonight's infernal climax suggests that Leary and Tolan might be better served by sticking to the smaller, character moments than grandstanding so much.

Also, the opening scene takes place on or before Sept. 11, 2001: Jimmy's still alive, Franco's still on probation, Jerry's not in the hospital and the Boston Red Sox still haven't won a World Series in decades. They're sent on a call. And that's it. I recall reading somewhere that the show was going to deal with the events of 9/11, so maybe that was where this was heading, but it's a truck-and-ladder ride to nowhere, since we never return to that storyline. What gives?

I fear the good people of Television may be becoming a little thin-skinned.

Some were offended by the opening sketch at Sunday evening's Emmy telecast, in which host Conan O'Brien crash-landed on "Lost's" island. NBC has even apologized for the pre-taped bit, which also featured O'Brien crashing through the ceiling at "The Office," phoning Chloe and Jack of "24," being diagnosed by "House" and even becoming a cheesy animated character on "South Park."

Clearly, the skit was referencing "Lost" (oddly enough, given that it wasn't a factor at this year's awards) and not the tragedy in Kentucky earlier in the day, yet some people watching the ceremony -- and here's guessing it wasn't the families of the victims, who no doubt had more pressing agendas to attend to -- took umbrage. I suppose if a paper company had burned to the ground that morning, people would've been offended by "The Office's" portion of the sketch, since it made light of the incompetence of paper-company employees. Is it possible for two wholly unrelated events to co-exist on this planet without someone getting all huffy?

Just keep telling yourself: It's only an awards show; it's only an awards show...

Last night's big winner, of course, was "24," which also featured a plane exploding in its first episode and had people wondering if a show about terrorism demonstrated the requisite sensitivity so soon after the events of Sept. 11, 2001.

Controversy, shmontroversy: I think the Emmys pretty much got it right this year.

(If you're still watching the West Coast feed and want no spoilers, wait a couple of hours.)

"24" got its long-awaited Emmy for Outstanding Drama Series. Sure, its plot holes and/or convolutions can be mind-bending, but whether you watch it for the high drama or to chortle at the its more preposterous moments -- I'm still trying to get my head around the whole President-in-league-with-terrorists thing, which makes whoever cooked that up a mad genius, but a genius nonetheless -- you're quite likely addicted to it. That's great TV.

And "The Office," no matter which version on whatever side of the pond you watch, is a brilliant TV series, so its win for Outstanding Comedy Series is completely justified. As for Tony Shalhoub's third win in the acting category, over Steve Carell, well, you can't stop Emmy voters from a kneejerk repetitious vote here or there. Megan Mullally's win over "My Name is Earl's" Jaime Pressly in the Supporting Actress/Comedy category was a similar head-scratcher -- maybe if Emmy voters were coaxed to think in terms of a fresh comic creation, results might be a little different.

Perhaps most gratifying was HBO's little-seen "The Girl in the Cafe's" strong showing, which proves that, honest, the voters really are sitting down and watching these things.

Other pluses: Conan O'Brien was terrific as host, backed by some very sharp material. Presenter patter was less insipid than usual -- occasionally, even funny, particularly Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's hilariously blinkered and back-handed honoring of the Reality-Competition category. (Which makes you wonder -- did they rig it so that Barry Manilow would beat Colbert and Stewart, just so Colbert could have his spectacularly funny meltdown over losing to Manilow? Because, honestly, they couldn't have scripted that outcome any better.) Bob Newhart's deadpan peril, likewise, was very amusing, as was his bewildered dismay that 6 percent of the viewers bothered to vote that they had "no opinion" as to whether he should live or die. Hugh Laurie, as perhaps the most egregiously snubbed performer, was nevertheless a gentleman and a laugh riot, participating in not one but two bits of amusing Emmy-night business. And, year in and year out, one of the funniest things about the Emmy ceremony is the presentations of the long lists of writers for the Variety/Music/Comedy shows (Letterman, O'Brien, Stewart, Colbert, etc.), and this year, gratifyingly, was no exception. Maybe next year, some intrepid entertainment journalist should do a story about how these guys go about creating their mode of ironic self-exaltation.)

Weirdest thing about the ceremony: That my piece in today's Daily News (see blog entry below for the full experience) was so astonishingly prescient, yet was written for a laugh. (I only got one thing wrong, and even Stewart, whose "Daily Show" won for its writing, admitted that "The Colbert Report" deserved to win.)

Bad thing about the ceremony: The music- and video-cue guy was awfully slow on the uptake when winners were announced. There was a frequently weirdly uncomfortable silence while winners made their way to the stage. It reminded me of the muted reaction when I won a writing award (which, granted, hasn't actually happened, but a hushed, almost hostile, response is what I would sort of expect if I actually won anything.)

Worst thing about the Emmys: That despite the fact that information is disseminated at record land-speeds across The Internets, the networks still insist on running most awards shows (sparing only the Oscars) on tape-delay on the West Coast. Naturally, it's a financial decision (prime-time commercials cost more than those at 5 or 6 p.m.), but, let's face it -- eventually, that'll prove to be a wash, because everyone on the West Coast will know all the winners before the broadcast and tune out, which'll lower ad rates anyway. It's particularly insane to delay the broadcast in the industry's home in L.A. -- they wouldn't tape-delay automotive awards ceremonies in Detroit, would they?

So congratulations to all the deserving winners, nice-going to all the undeserving ones, and a hearty I'm-just-as-pissed-as-you-are to the losers whose sterling work merited a better outcome.

If lame movies merit DVD-commentary tracks, why not lame -- um, sorry, brilliant -- newspaper stories? Hence, we have dragged in our auteur to explain himself -- that is, his creative process as he slapped together, er, lovingly crafted today's thrilling episode of "24," in which Jack Bauer saves the Emmys.

(The story begins. Our auteur sits in austere silence.)

As celebrities prance and preen down the red carpet tonight, a dark, threatening presence surrounds the 58th annual Emmy Awards ceremony at the Shrine Auditorium. This year, a number of acclaimed actors were snubbed due to a new nomination process, and there are rumors — nasty rumors — that something unpleasant might happen tonight.
No one takes the threat more seriously than Jack Bauer, the no-holds-barred hero of "24," a show that has picked up 12 nominations, the most of anyone. Now a frightening scenario has been leaked to us about tonight's ceremony (we have our sources). But we feel confident all will turn out well because Jack — who would cut his mother's eye out if he thought she was a traitor — is on the case.

The Auteur: Um. Well, I didn't do this part. My introduction was a little more deadpan, like it was an actual newspaper story, sort of, and that made everything that came after that much weirder.

I was on the phone with Marty at the network (everyone in the business when you're explaining how something odd happened, they're named Marty), and he told me, "Omigod, everyone here loves your vision for this piece. We've changed everything. We've taken your bold vision in an even bolder new direction."

This bolder new direction is OK, though it says "24" received 12 nominations, "the most of anyone," which isn't true -- it did receive the most of any ongoing series (the miniseries "Into the West" got more). And suggesting Jack "would cut out his mother's eye if he thought she was a traitor" seems another factual error, given how defiantly he defended Audrey when she was floated as CTU's mole du jour for an episode, and she's just annoying Audrey, who everyone in the audience wanted to see tortured. So Jack'd probably not put his mom's eye out, but he might shoot her in the thigh.

(The story continues.)

The following takes place between 5 and 8 p.m.
5:00:01: Jack Bauer's black SUV brakes sharply before the Shrine.
He snaps open his cell phone: "Chloe, set up a perimeter. No one comes in or out. And download the entire audience seating assignment onto my PDA."
"I'm on it, Jack," Chloe pouts petulantly.
Bauer, knocking out a security guard and sneaking through a side door even though he's been granted full security clearance, peruses the instantly downloaded list of 6,300 names; immediately, his face is seized with concern. "Chloe!" he barks into his cell phone. "Hugh Laurie is here!"
"So? He's really good in 'House,' " Chloe counters crankily.
"Perhaps — but he wasn't nominated this year!"
Jack's face grows dark; behind him, an ominous figure shadows Bauer.

The Auteur: See how artfully I've alluded to the big plot twist that comes at the end of the story? "Shadows?" Utter brilliance. See, I thought this thing out, as opposed to the people who actually make "24," who just up and decided one day to make the President of the United States in league with terrorists.

5:18:30: As host Conan O'Brien concludes his opening monologue, which shows remarkable restraint in featuring only three John Mark Karr jokes and two Charlie Sheen gags, Bauer creeps up behind Laurie's assigned seat. He leaps over three rows, grabs the man in a headlock and pummels him senseless. He turns the man's bloodied face toward him.
"This isn't Laurie!" Bauer bleats.
"It's a seat filler, moron," Mariska Hargitay stammers, taken aback. "I saw him go backstage."
"Backstage?" Bauer cries, grabbing his cell phone. "Chloe! Set up a perimeter around the green room!"

The Auteur: Not 20 minutes in, and Jack's already set up two perimeters and beaten up two guys. Genius.

5:27:25: Bauer, gun drawn, lurks backstage as Alan Alda leaves the podium after accepting the Emmy for outstanding supporting actor in a drama. Bauer gratuitously cold-cocks Alda with his gun butt, does a tuck-and-rollup to the green room, then lurches into the green room, where Laurie sips a cup of tea. Jack shoots him in the thigh, grabs him by his tux lapels.
"What are you doing here?" he demands.
"Dude, dial it back; take a Zoloft," Denis Leary, also lounging in the green room, drawls sardonically. "He's a presenter."
Bauer snaps open his cell phone. "Chloe, we've been sent on a wild-goose chase. Get me the coordinates for best-comedy-actress snubs Lauren Graham, Marcia Cross and Mary-Louise Parker. They have the means, and they have the motive — well, at least they have the motive. They must be behind this." He sheepishly turns to Laurie: "Uh, sorry about that."
"No worries," Laurie says. "I have to limp on my show; now, I won't have to act."
"Jack — Graham and Cross are both in Temecula," Chloe responds irritably. "Parker — well, her character sells pot. Do you really expect her to have the gumption to protest when she's already won an Emmy and two Golden Globes?"

The Auteur: So much is going on here -- the ongoing mystery, faux Emmy verisimilitude, wry commentary on the year's Emmy controversy, blurring the lines between TV and reality, snarky gossip and a truly tortured attempt to unify these disparate entities. But, if you watch the deleted scenes elsewhere on this DVD, you'll see that even more took place in this scene. I wrote, and we shot, a beautiful scene in which Jack's sometime-sidekick Curtis made a brief appearance. He was found unconscious in the green room, delivered a line of exposition that I later decided was unnecessary, got to shoot someone and then was consigned to the same off-camera oblivion that Curtis himself found himself for most of the season. It was a poignant, poetic meditation on race, class and the eternal struggle of the contract player -- and it stopped the story dead in its tracks. So out it came. This was my decision -- the network begged me to keep Curtis in, given that they'd already paid him and everything, but I, clinging to my artistic vision, refused.

Oh, and have you picked up on the oh-so-subtle word choices? Mariska Hargitay -- inherently funny. Temecula -- absolutely inherently funny. This is comic gold, people.

5:35:59: Bending the rules of physics, Jack speeds up to a Temecula address and, gun drawn, kicks down the door and begins shooting.
"What are you doing?" Graham demands, emerging from the kitchen with a bag of microwave popcorn.
"I'll ask the questions here," Bauer barks. "What do you know about the plot to attack the Emmys?"
"No one can hurt the Emmys any more than the voting body already has," Graham retorts.
"Don't get smart with me," Bauer says, grabbing her roughly.
"Why'd you establish such a remote base of operations?"
"These people you just killed were my only friends with an East Coast feed of the Emmys, you jerk," she replies, then brightens when glancing at the TV. "Oh, look: 'The Colbert Report' won for best writing for a variety series!"
"Chloe, we've been set up!" Jack yelps into his cell phone. He looks darkly at his image in a two-way mirror; on the other side, a shadowy figure monitors his movements.

The Auteur: OK, OK, I know -- I said Marcia Cross was with Lauren Graham in Temecula, and she's nowhere to be seen in this scene. Well, we shot the previous scene when talks were ongoing with Cross but things looked to be a pretty sure bet. And then she pulled out. But Graham, and I'm sure you'll agree with me, carries this scene beautifully; we didn't need Cross after all. The microwave popcorn bag was her idea, and it was a brilliant touch, just the subtle bit of business that humanizes her character -- or, rather, her, since she's playing herself. Also, I think she was just hungry when we shot this.

Also, we include a little throwaway line so that no one forgets that this is a story about the Emmys, which was the whole point, but, being the Emmys, they are sort of easy to forget about, even when you're writing specifically about them. And: the second oblique hint as to the upcoming radical plot twist: a two-way mirror. So as utterly shocking and unpredictable as the big plot twist is, at least you won't be able to say we didn't warn you.

6:22:15: As lucky as Jack was with traffic on his drive to Temecula, he's equally unlucky on the way back to the Shrine: The on-ramp from Interstate 15 to the 10 is the site of a major pileup. Nothing is moving as rescue vehicles arrive. Jack looks at his watch. His face darkens. He flips opens his phone and calls for a chopper to evacuate him.
6:40:30: Jack climbs onto a rope ladder dangled from the copter, which lifts him high above the accident.
6:46:47: Back at the Shrine, Ellen Burstyn's acceptance speech for outstanding supporting actress in a TV movie is longer than her bravura 15-second turn in "Mrs. Harris."
6:52:00: As he swings through the air above L.A., Jack wonders if he should have charged his cell phone.

The Auteur: OK, again, the network and I had some creative differences here, and apparently the network won. I had Jack stuck in traffic for a half-hour, and, if you consult the timeline, that's in keeping with the stuck-in-traffic scenario. (Had Jack really summoned a helicopter, he'd been back at the Shrine in three minues.) So when I presented my vision for this scene to the network, Marty was ecstatic. "Omigod," Marty told me; he said, "you've radicalized the whole concept behind 24! You've taken it through the looking-glass! Sitting with Jack in traffic for a half-hour with only a brief cutaway to Ellen Burstyn is cutting-edge, transformative television."

I had to agree.

"We can't do it." Before I could protest, Marty said, "Look. I know, everyone says that networks are afraid of innovation. But it's not that. It's just that we've already paid for the helicopter."

6:57:22: Just as Jack bursts back into the Shrine, an explosion erupts onstage during a musical tribute to '80s-sitcom hairstyles. William Shatner, Meredith Baxter and host O'Brien perish in the blast.
Jack flips open his cell phone: "Chloe, contact the director; tell him the dead-celebrity montage needs to be updated." His face darkens.

The Auteur: So this didn't work out as well as I had hoped. I mean, the explosion is truly spectacular; don't get me wrong. But while "Meredith Baxter Birney" sounds funny, "Meredith Baxter" just doesn't, and much to my chagrin someone actually fact-checked this story and figured out that the "Birney" comes from two husbands back. Had the network confronted me about this, I would've pointed out that she was, in fact, "Meredith Baxter Birney" (see? say it to yourself three times fast! Comic genius!) back when she had a regrettable hairstyle in an '80s sitcom. As for Shatner -- well, enough said, and he actually sings badly, as well. He was a real trooper on this shoot, but then, if you've seen him lately on VH1 or TV Land or Comedy Central or the History Channel or Discovery or wherever he's knocking one off, you know he'll pretty much do anything.

7:03:16: As order is restored, Jack orders Jane Kaczmarek to take over as emcee. Her extemporaneous Mel Gibson one-liners get huge laughs; her Hurricane Katrina jokes are considered a bit dated.
7:18:18: Jack, realizing he's overlooking a crucial clue, tries to call Chloe, but his cell-phone battery is dead. "Damn!" he says, "I knew I should've recharged this thing at some point in the past five years!" A dark expression clouds his face; he sets off in search of a pay phone.
7:41:05: Bauer finally locates a pay phone outside the nearby car dealership shrouded by a giant Felix the Cat statue and calls Chloe.

The Auteur: Verisimilitude, and ironic juxtaposition: There really is a giant Felix the Cat statue atop a car dealership near the Shrine Auditorium. We had to install the pay phone, however.

"What Emmys have yet to be distributed?" he demands. As she recalcitrantly recites the list, Jack's eyes widen; he abruptly stops her. "Chloe," he gravely intones, "there's a mole inside CTU!" He drops the phone and runs, gun drawn, back to the Shrine, shooting a number of journalists inside the press tent along the way, just in case.
7:46:47: Just as Kaczmarek is about to introduce the presenter for outstanding actor in a drama series, Bauer tackles her and grabs the envelope. "You!" he shouts, training his gun on a figure lurking in the shadows, sporting a cummerbund over a hoodie sweater. "Don't move!"
The figure skulks onto the stage; Jack tackles him, wrestling the hood from his head, revealing ... Kiefer Sutherland.
"You don't understand!" Sutherland bellows. "I've been nominated five years in a row and have nothing to show for it! I knew I wouldn't win if Hugh Laurie was nominated!
"So I called Chloe, impersonating you, and asked her to download the Emmy mainframe into my PDA," the anguished Sutherland continues.
"All my acting on that show is shouting into cell phones, shooting people in the thigh and responding to depressing information with a dark expression!
"I manipulated votes — so what?" Sutherland adds. "So Kevin James gets a nod; so seven lead actresses from canceled shows get nominated; so that lame 'Will & Grace' gets 10 nominations! That's a small price to pay to ensure my own corporeal glory!"
"You're insane," hisses Bauer.
"Chloe knows you better than anyone, and I convinced her I was you," Sutherland responds. "That should be worth an Emmy, right?"
7:57:01: "24" is named outstanding drama series. Bauer himself addresses the audience: "I'd like to thank those who couldn't be here tonight," he says, his visage darkening; he realizes — he's now one of them.

The Auteur: What can I say? Pure genius: Ironic, shocking, contemplative, true to the spirit of "24" and bust-a-gut funny. "Kaczmarek" -- funny, funny, funny. Whenever I'm low and considering ending it all I'll just think of Jane Kaczmarek's name and in it somehow find the strength to continue on. And finally, the long-awaited plot twist, better even than making the President of the United States in league with the terrorists: Making Jack Bauer himself, or his doppelganger, the bad guy! Elucidating the Conradian duality within each of us, the story ultimately asks us to look deep within ourselves, find that which is truly evil and, then, embrace it fully, because that is what makes us human.

Or something like that.

Buy it back on eBay.

The really creepy thing is that people are actually bidding on this.

Well, just about everything.

But, since it is our duty here to discuss television, we’ll duly note that a larger cloud of suspicion than usual hovers over this weekend’s Emmy ceremony.

You no doubt know the particulars – blue-ribbon panels recruited to help nominees on perennially snubbed, smaller networks botch their job beyond all credibility. Hugh Laurie’s not nominated; Kevin James is. “Lost�? named Outstanding Drama last year; this year, zilch. Ellen Burstyn’s sterling 15 seconds of work in “Mrs. Harris�? gets a nomination, underscoring that no voters actually watch any of this stuff.

In the current Emmy magazine, academy chairman Dick Askin writes, “I am delighted that our new policies led to first-time nominations in the key categories we targeted. … “This would not have been possible were it not for effective collaboration between our peer groups and board of governors and their mutual desire to improve the voting process.�? He sounds absolutely giddy, doesn’t he? But then, leaden prose will do that for a guy. About the ceremony itself, Askin enthuses, “We are confident it will be an exciting show with great talent and highly entertaining production values.�?

Bulletin: Every awards show has its unconscionable omissions and risible quirks. This year’s Emmys just decided to up the ante. If the usual roster of safe nominees had received nods, people’d be grousing about that (though no doubt far less vociferously). And the plain and simple fact is that there’s just too much television being produced for any governing body to watch enough of it to make informed decisions about relative quality, so naturally, they’ll go with brand names with which they’re familiar. (You want to know who really got ripped off? “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.�? But that show’s hardly on the radar of the people who complain about how limited Emmy’s radar is.)

Anyway, as a public service, in Sunday’s paper, the Daily News is presenting, in a mere 1,300 words, the entirety of Sunday night’s Emmy telecast, sparing you the anguish of having to sit through the three-hour leviathan, unless, of course, that siren-song lure of “highly entertaining production values�? is just too great to resist.

Ed Bark is in many circles considered the Dean of American TV critics. Ed Bark understands TV as well as if not better than any network executive.

Ed Bark was the guy who got Shannen Doherty to weep histrionically at this summer's TV Press Tour.

If TV didn't exist, it would have to be invented, just so Ed Bark could write about it.

The Dallas Morning News has unceremoniously dumped Bark, who was the city's authoritative voice on TV for decades, along with a significant portion of its arts staff, along with many veteran reporters and editors.

If Ed Bark can be treated this way, no one's job -- in any industry -- is safe.

The People of Television have proposed enacting a bold new initiative to protect those amongst us who are so impressionable that we jones for a cigarette when we see a cartoon cat smoking.

Instead of rolling and smoking a cigarette, Jerry's nemesis Tom will be digitally altered to be depicted stuffing a chaw of chewing tobacco between his cheek and gums. It's not a perfect solution, but compromises are a part of life.

Nonetheless, this sends a powerful message to TV producers: Don’t have your characters do anything that might injure someone at home stupid enough to emulate others’ behavior. Let them wait until they get to middle school and see one of the cool kids doing it.

But why stop there? We must kill our culture in order to save it. Why not simply eradicate all content featuring any ambiguity that requires an intellect greater than a five-year-old’s to process? After all, a child watching “American Idol�? might be lured into singing really badly. One watching “House�? might be tempted into attempting ill-advised medical procedures. One sitting through “Rescue Me�? could be convinced to enter a burning building. One watching the upcoming “Survivor: Cook Islands�? could possibly be persuaded to segregate our society. Let’s just put Elmo on every show and be done with it.

After all, children are our future. Adults, apparently, are our past. As for our present: Well, it apparently won’t contain any smoking cartoon cats.

Early reviews of “Survivor: Cook Islands�?’ method of dividing up its contestants into “tribes�? – they’ll be split up by race, with Asian-Americans, blacks, Latinos and Caucasians competing against one another – are less than positive. On CBS’s own “The Early Show,�? Harry Smith told host Jeff Probst that the immediate reaction of his on-set colleagues was one of synchronized blanching.

Probst didn’t help his cause any when he referred to the casting as “a social experiment,�? the same tired phrase trotted out to defend the early, awful years of “Big Brother.�?

So in the 21st century, game-show participants are segregated by race. Perhaps the show should be called “Survivor: Montgomery, Alabama.�?

CBS’s own promotional trailer tries to put a more benign spin on the whole thing, naturally.

What do you think? Intriguing provocation – or cynical ploy to create divisiveness? Will the Asian-Americans build short-wave radios out of cocoanuts? Will the whites start up an exclusive country club?

Fox did well enough Monday evening as it began its new season: "Prison Break" managed the same numbers it had last year (a 10 share, roughly 9-10 million viewers), while the new conspiracy thriller "Vanished" held onto most of its lead-in's audience. We'll see if it can manage that same feat next week. (What was your favorite plot twist: That Sara Collins may not be Sara Collins? The post-mortem tattoo? The ex-wife's contact with virtually everyone but her ex-husband? The well-preserved 10-year-old corpse? Or that Rebecca Gayheart was cast as a driven, cynical TV journalist?)

CBS actually won the evening in households with an evening of repeats, but that was mainly due to "CSI: Miami."

This is the sort of thing you'd've thought a local-TV-news producer would've come up with a long time ago, having run out of such sterling ideas as week-long exposes like "Supermodels in the wild: Are they a threat to YOU?"

The Good People of Television – and, therefore, America at large – have dodged a bullet.

Fox’s broadcast of “The Teen Choice Awards�? – which featured the first nationally broadcast performance of Mr. Britney Spears and, no doubt, issued trophies honoring Most Annoying Ring Tone and Shallowest Cast Member of “The Hills�? – managed a meager 4 rating on Sunday night.

Keep in mind that the 4 rating is an average for the two hour broadcast. Which means that the ceremony could have had a 15 rating until Kevin Federline took the stage, at which point it seems logical to assume that viewers tuned out en masse.

Mr. Federline – whom, we must recall, costumed his groomsmen at his betrothal to Ms. Spears in silk tracksuits with the word “Pimp�? stitched tastefully across their backs – boasted a stage presence far more self-assured than individuals with his level of talent should reasonably be allowed to possess. Many of my colleagues on the Council of Network Executives strongly advocate this brand of star-making, known roughly as “shove-crap-down-fans’-throats-until-they’re-convinced-they-love-it,�? though I, in my darkest moments, when I experience the occasional pang of conscience, am not persuaded as to its value.

No doubt K-Fed, depending on how his publicists spin this evening, will be a nominee at next year’s Teen Choice Awards, though whether it’s under the category of Hottest Media Concoction/Commodity or Most Desperate Media Concoction/Commodity has yet to be determined.

Elsewhere in the land of Television:

The Ministry of Aesthetics will conduct a panel discussion on Thursday at the Museum of Unctuous Fawning entitled, “How Will ‘The O.C.’ survive without Mischa Barton? More Pressingly, How Did It Survive With Her?�?

Also, would Mr. “According to Jim�? please not dump his trash in public places? Appearances, not reality, are the be-all and end-all in Television, and besides, that’s what back alleys are for.

Our committee on Ratings Spin shall examine how Fox fared with the premiere of its new “missing babe – or is it, missing evil bitch?�? series “Vanished�? on Monday evening on Tuesday at this site.

Despite its overall ratings dominance in recent seasons, Fox’s fall performance has been somewhat anemic, as the network waits for its juggernauts, “American Idol�? and “24,�? to launch in January. This year, the network has been more aggressive about making fall count for something, as well.

Fox'll launch its shows before the semi-official season start date, the third week of September. Its season begins tonight, with the second-season premiere of “Prison Break�? and the first new series to debut, “Vanished,�? another in the network’s paranoid serialized thrillers. Truth be told, in a noticeable break with seasons past, Fox’s new shows look serviceable, if not wholly palatable.

Welcome, good people of Television. The Council of Network Executives and I have labored mightily to ensure that Television is a place where entire families that have been strategically relocated outside of the FX and HBO Districts can thrive and enjoy life – we’re still working on making life palatable for those dwelling in the neighborhoods dominated by QVC, Spike TV and Lifetime – and that our community truly will be a place where your fantasies can become real life.

First, a few housekeeping notes:

* Once again, I must implore reality-show producers in the Southern Quadrant to limit their attacks on more northern Regions of Good Taste on a Need-to-Bomb basis. Talks are ongoing with the insurgent creators of “Flavor of Love,�? “My Super Sweet 16�? and “Date My Mom�? to cease their audiences’ metaphorical beheadings, and we’re making quite a bit of headway, so to speak. So other reality-program producers need not escalate the hostilities toward their viewers with ever-more-visceral assaults on genteel sensibilities.

Also, I beseech those in that area to give a wide berth to the loyal patriots in Kevlar-enhanced Hazmat suits cleaning up the spillage from “My Fair Brady: We’re Getting Married!�?

Remember, Television is home to all of us, and our goal is a serene, relatively incident-free environment that we would all be proud not to denounce as our own.

* There will be a Zoning Commission meeting Tuesday to discuss whether The CW’s Sunday-night comedies – “Everybody Hates Chris,�? “All of Us,�? “Girlfriends" and “The Game�? – might be allowed to exist peaceably at other points on the schedule.

* Will whoever is planting the effigies of Jeff Zucker’s head on a pike in public spaces please remove them. Again, I remind you, Television is a land of happiness, enforced or otherwise, and such forms of protest are at odds with our Doctrines of Infinite Q Scores and Failing Upwards.

* Also, we implore those who are leaking to YouTube.com the results of our Test Laboratories’ failed Petri dishes – known to some as “pilots rejected by the networks�? – to please cease immediately. Television is a land of Compulsory Harmony, and the dissemination of such confidential governmental documents may lead the citizenry to question not only our motives but our sanity.

OK, these notes aside, we have some new business to attend to. As you know, the Council of Network Executives and I are pleased to announce the commencement of a new television season that we are confident will be the most successful ever or, at least, not result in the embarrassments of seasons past. Fox, being Fox (desultory chuckle), will commence the season on Monday, with the season-two premiere of “Prison Break�? and the debut of “Vanished.�?

There is a great deal of hope amongst all involved this year, particularly in the area of gentrifying the Eastside Comedy Ghettos.

Our Ministry of Aesthetics will be issuing Analytical Reports of each broadcast networks’ prospectus in the coming days, and we invite you to inspect our thoughtful inquiry as to how Fox has improved upon its already celebrated schedule when it appears on this blog on Monday. Subsequent White Papers analyzing each network’s impending fortunes will be issued at appropriate times as the new season continues to roll out.

Moreover, we are fast approaching the Emmy Awards, many of our citizens’ favorite time of the year, except for those at the newly rechristened CW and, apparently, some disgruntled fringe elements at ABC, who have opted to air “Pirates of the Caribbean�? opposite our bread-and-circuses ceremony. (Remember, if viewers can’t enjoy yet another spurious awards show, the terrorists win.) Our upcoming discussions of the controversial nominating process within this forum threatens to be nominally insightful and to contain an almost certain amount of vague interest. So keep your eyes on this forum: We of Television haven’t made this a Constitutional Requirement – yet – but it’s always nice for a constituency to have a healthy interest in what little we Leaders want you to know about the democratic process.

Finally, would those posting signs proclaiming, “Recall the Mayor�? please desist. You knew coming in that Television has never been a Meritocracy: It’s a Stalinist Democracy. And so it shall ever be.

All Hail Television!