Coping with Evil in this Modern World

The Good People of Television – and, therefore, America at large – have dodged a bullet.

Fox’s broadcast of “The Teen Choice Awards� – which featured the first nationally broadcast performance of Mr. Britney Spears and, no doubt, issued trophies honoring Most Annoying Ring Tone and Shallowest Cast Member of “The Hills� – managed a meager 4 rating on Sunday night.

Keep in mind that the 4 rating is an average for the two hour broadcast. Which means that the ceremony could have had a 15 rating until Kevin Federline took the stage, at which point it seems logical to assume that viewers tuned out en masse.

Mr. Federline – whom, we must recall, costumed his groomsmen at his betrothal to Ms. Spears in silk tracksuits with the word “Pimp� stitched tastefully across their backs – boasted a stage presence far more self-assured than individuals with his level of talent should reasonably be allowed to possess. Many of my colleagues on the Council of Network Executives strongly advocate this brand of star-making, known roughly as “shove-crap-down-fans’-throats-until-they’re-convinced-they-love-it,� though I, in my darkest moments, when I experience the occasional pang of conscience, am not persuaded as to its value.

No doubt K-Fed, depending on how his publicists spin this evening, will be a nominee at next year’s Teen Choice Awards, though whether it’s under the category of Hottest Media Concoction/Commodity or Most Desperate Media Concoction/Commodity has yet to be determined.

Elsewhere in the land of Television:

The Ministry of Aesthetics will conduct a panel discussion on Thursday at the Museum of Unctuous Fawning entitled, “How Will ‘The O.C.’ survive without Mischa Barton? More Pressingly, How Did It Survive With Her?�

Also, would Mr. “According to Jim� please not dump his trash in public places? Appearances, not reality, are the be-all and end-all in Television, and besides, that’s what back alleys are for.

Our committee on Ratings Spin shall examine how Fox fared with the premiere of its new “missing babe – or is it, missing evil bitch?� series “Vanished� on Monday evening on Tuesday at this site.