September 2006 Archives
“Wonder Showzen,� MTV2’s faux-kids’ show so ingeniously appalling that its producers requested five copies of my rave review of it, will soon release its second season on DVD. Thoughtfully, they sent me an advance copy and, as I was perusing its contents (which are so utterly subversive that attempting to explicate narratives and then explain their revolutionary goals and then further elaborate upon the fierceness of their social insights would be so wearying that it’s far easier merely to offer a blurb: “‘Wonder Showzen’ is a wonder! Your children will likely be scarred for life anyway, so let them see this to understand why!�), I came upon what appears to be an homage to your Mayor.
One episode features an animated vignette concerning “Detective Dave Kronke, supercop.� (It mispronounces my surname, ignoring the long “e� at the end, but then, many people do, which makes me sound like a Disney character. “Chicago Hope� employed this same sort of character assassination against my beloved father.)
Speaking of assassination, “Detective Dave Kronk(e)� is murdered early on in the skit. For, I am aghast to report, humor’s sake. It’s as if a standing U.S. President mocked a discredited pretext to war while troops were dying. The fact that, in this case, the particulars of the results of said death is actually kind of funny, should not stem the outrage of the citizens of Television.
Your Mayor has been the subject of character assassination in the past, namely, about a decade ago, when a really unpalatable fast-food franchise specializing in gastronomically dubious fast-fare ran a radio ad about one David Kronke’s addiction to reduced-fat burritos (they did, at least, pronounce my name correctly). (And though many wonder, curiously enough, about the veracity of many of this blog’s entries – as if a political figure would lead you astray – I promise this bizarre entry is true.) (Well, except for the upcoming "Will & Grace" thing -- as if I'd own a late-season "Will & Grace" boxed-DVD set.) Robert Stack, of all people, narrated the radio ads; several people actually asked me if I was, in fact, involved in the promotion of said burritos.
The idea that I – then, a mere freelance writer – could be considered someone who could convince idiots to patronize a crappy Tex-Mex fast-food outlet was pure folly; yet I had to convince several friends and acquaintances that I had nothing to do with those radio spots and, in fact, had to request of the offending ad agency to pull those spots which, eventually, they did. (Though, in many dark moments of the night, I had to ask myself why my name was recruited to tout inedible Taco Bell fare and not, say, Mercedes automobiles.)
At any rate, your Mayor’s chief regret at this point is that he didn’t attend himself to “Wonder Showzen’s� DVD earlier. When I visited Amoeba Records earlier in the evening, the employees were watching and laughing at “Wonder Showzen.� Had I been able to name-drop myself at the store, I might’ve been able to wrest a dollar or two more from trading in my copy of the lame seventh-season of “Will & Grace.�
Again, the above headline goes into my portfolio for that job on a mid-level paper's copy desk.
"Ugly Betty" debuted last night, nearly knocking "Survivor" off its throne. "Survivor" had 16.6 million viewers; "Betty," 16.1 - the most for any new series so far this season. Just as it was shocking when CBS usurped NBC's Thursday-night dominance a few years back, ABC's threat to take out CBS is more imminent that one might've guessed.
And now that "Survivor" has already merged tribes, it doesn't even have that lame race-baiting gimmick to keep viewers interested. Could "Betty" actually beat "Survivor" in the future?
"Grey's Anatomy" v. "CSI" became a horse race. "CSI" had 23.49 million viewers; "Grey," 23.31. But when you start noodling with demographic numbers, "Grey" won Adults 18-49.
In its second week out, "Shark" beat "ER," 14.72 million to 14.27 million, while "Six Degrees," to no one's surprise, commenced its tank job, losing more than half the generous lead-in "Grey's Anatomy" provided and another 3.6 million from 10 to 10:30 p.m. "Six Degrees?" It'll be lucky to see six episodes.
And The CW actually beat Fox on Thursday.
Sacha Baron Cohen, who at this point probably doesn’t want you to know he actually exists, despite having been in the movies “Madagascar� and “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby,� is oh-so thisclose to creating an international incident – all to promote his upcoming movie, “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.�
Borat, hands-down the funniest character of Cohen’s Emmy-nominated series “Da Ali G Show,� appeared in Washington, D.C. yesterday, mocking the Kazakhstani government’s wildly thin-skinned response to his movie. Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev will meet President Bush today; it was widely (if erroneously) reported that he intended to complain to the President about the impending release of the film. As is, Kazakhstan took out a four-page ad in the New York Times on Thursday arguing that the country was just a smidgen more progressive than Borat’s antics made it seem.
Which is all well and good, but here’s guessing most people are asking: What’s up with this Borat? Who really knows or gets what he’s about? (For the film, Cohen is only allowing interviews with his screen mask. And you know how your Mayor disapproves of those who hide behind a comic persona.)
Sure, his film was a rave at the recent Toronto Film Festival, with everyone who saw it declaring it the most hilarious/offensive/hilariously offensive/offensively hilarious movie they’d seen in years.
Not that many people actually saw “Da Ali G Show� in America, but here is the indisputably funniest thing the show ever offered, and quite likely one of the funniest things you’ve seen on television.
In the clip, Borat attends a wine tasting in the deep South. There are many laughs, but three things are remarkable in this clip:
1) The inspired bit of physical business in which two men try to get Borat to hold a wine glass in the proper manner – by its stem. Of the three involved in this, two have no idea that they’re participating in a gag, and yet it works perfectly: Once they get Borat to carry his wine glass appropriately, he puts it on the table and engages the conflict anew.
2) Borat notes that the society’s wine steward is black and asks if he is one of the men’s slaves. They explain that slavery has been abolished in America, and when Borat approves of the region’s ostensible progressiveness, one agrees that the abolition of slavery was “a good thing – “for them.�
3) Borat gets wasted – he downs glass after glass, ahead of his guests, declaring, “I win!� Eventually, he gets so blitzed that he wallows in self-pity, informing them, “My mother, she never loved me. She tell me she wish sometimes she been raped by someone else.� This is such a darkly funny line that even Joe Scarborough, MSNBC’s most engaging conservative pundit, quoted it admiringly on Thursday.
Hence, if the “Borat� movie is remotely as funny as this sequence, and the advance reviews are correct, it’s left to us to guess whether Peter Travers or Joel Siegel will issue this blurb: "You'll laugh until some jihadist murders you!"
Ray Richmond, a man who clearly wants to besmirch your Mayor’s good name by calling into question his sanity, Swift-Boated me today with an excoriating essay. Amongst other things, he suggested that I am “clearly very ill and in need of new meds to keep his schizophrenia in check.� I would remind Mr. Richmond that I’m not the one who briefly took a job with E!
That Mr. Richmond also described this blog as “oddly brilliant� is cold comfort. Past Deadline, Richmond’s own blog issuing dispatches to the People of Television, relies upon keen insight, wit, erudition and social commentary to engage his fans. I might suggest he consider his audience and wonder aloud if this is the best strategy to lure readers.
Also, the readers he has directed to this site are apparently cheapskates, because none of them have contributed to my fund to update Sid Caesar's wardrobe.
Your Mayor attended another one of those self-gratification-o-fests Wednesday night, and although no trophies or plaques were handed out, the end result was the same.
Sid Caesar created TV sketch comedy. And for his sins, he’s trotted out every so often, in his infirmed state at age 84, to jabber in pigeon French/Italian/German to appreciative audiences who don’t realize how present in the moment he actually remains.
The Museum of Television and Radio offered an event Wednesday evening in which Larry Wilmore (creator of “The Bernie Mac Show� and current contributor to both “The Office� and “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart�) and Mitchell Hurwitz (creator of “Arrested Development�) were allowed to engage in Caesarian-section worship. Ostensibly, the idea was for Wilmore and Hurwitz to explain how Caesar inspired their own work, but that never happened.
Instead, they lobbed Sid the same sort of softballs I served up to him when I interviewed him a few years ago, and Sid responded with the sort of anecdotes he has become particularly adept at delivering, about how great his writers were (and they were), how great his “Your Show of Shows� cast was (and it was), how great his audience was (and it was).
The night should’ve been called “Sid’s Greatest Hits.� When he was asked a question that didn’t fit into the matrix of his legend, Sid simply ignored it and responded with an anecdote he’d espoused many times before: When Hurwitz asked him what network executive “discovered� him, Caesar launched into a protracted, irrelevant story about his service in the Coast Guard. This seems to be a showbiz tradition amongst Hollywood legends: When your Mayor interviewed Jimmy Stewart 20 years ago and asked questions that weren’t part of his traditional hagiography, Jimmy responded with rote responses that involved a word or two from the query, discoursing about the “studio system� or Hitchcock, the sort of answers he’d conditioned himself to cook up to perpetuate his accepted narrative to many interviewers past.
These guys have figured out what people want to hear and these are their answers, regardless of what the questions may be. This is hardly Sid’s fault, but he dissembled into desultory monologues blandly championing his writers, his cast, his audience. He was at his best relating the story about his legendary dangling of Mel Brooks (then, a writer on “Your Show of Shows�) out a window; the audience applauded appreciatively, approving his cruelty.
But here’s my biggest concern: I’ve seen Caesar at a number of events over the past few years, and he’s always worn the same outfit: a blue jacket over a white turtleneck sweater. (On Wednesday, this was accessorized by sweatpants and tube socks and comfy sneakers.)
A legend this legendary deserves a grander wardrobe, one more in keeping with his genius, one that allows him to accept his deserving kudos in a different jacket every so often, a different shirt every damn time.
Hence: My appeal to the Good People of Television: Pledge a few dollars to my Dress Sid Appropriately campaign. Any moneys collected, I promise, will not go to my movement to Unseat Les Moonves; all dollars will go to provide Sid Caesar – who virtually single-handedly created TV comedy, for heaven’s sake - a snappier wardrobe: a black sport coat, for one, a sharp dress shirt. Some combed-cotton dress socks. This can be done on the cheap: I recently patronized Lord & Taylor and purchased a smart button-down shirt at a 40-percent mark-down.
Seriously: This man is a legend. He deserves comfortable new clothes. Help me erase that lame blue sport coat from our collective memory. Pledge now.
In its premiere last night, "Help Me Help You" squandered the generous audience provided by "Dancing with the Stars" (20 million viewers in its last half-hour), managing 12 million viewers. No new show seems to be clicking on Tuesday: "Smith" was off from its debut, and lost a sizable chunk of viewers in its second half hour, and "Standoff" fails to exploit "House's" audience - if Fox hadn't already axed "Justice" and "Happy Hour," "Standoff's" days would likely be numbered. As is, the show has taken time off to retool. As if that'll help at this point.
In response to today's article on "Lost" in the Daily News, a reader has submitted his incredibly meticulous trivia quiz on the show that should serviceably eat up the rest of your work day.
If you get a passing grade on this quiz (without cheating), you should seriously consider getting psychiatric attention.
People are still chattering about the Chris Wallace/Bill Clinton dust-up on “Fox News Sunday,� with reactions predictably divided along partisan lines (Clinton looked insane/responded aggressively; Wallace asked a legitimate question/smirked aggressively).
(If you haven’t seen it – and if you haven’t, what’s wrong with you? – here it is.)
This latest Moment To Inspire Pundits Who’ve Neglected Their Rabies Shots reminds your Mayor of the time Chris Wallace had me on his program (cue hazy, swirling visual effects):
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
WALLACE: When we announced that you were going to be on “Fox News Sunday,� I got a lot of email, and I was surprised most of them wanted me to ask you this question: Why didn’t you do more to keep “According to Jim� and “The Flavor of Love� off the air? There’s a new book out which I suspect you’ve read called “The Looming Belushi.� And it talks about how the fact that when you allowed NBC to briefly air “Titans� in 2000, Flavor Flav said, “I have seen the frailty and the weakness and the cowardice of network television executives.� Then there was “The Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfeiffer� and the UPN Network in general.
MAYOR: OK…
WALLCE: May I just finish the question, sir? And after those shows, the book says ABC was emboldened to work further with the men who had created “Hiller and Diller.� I understand that hindsight is 20/20…
MAYOR: No, let’s talk about…
WALLACE: …but the question is why didn’t you do more? Connect the dots and put them out of business? Certainly you were aware that that ABC was developing a series with Jim Belushi.
MAYOR: I will answer all of those things on the merits, but I want to talk about the context in which this arises. I’m being asked this on a Fox network, which has given the world “When Animals Attack� and “Married By America� and “The Swan.� And my record on reality programming is well-known.
WALLACE: I understand…
MAYOR: No, wait. You asked me why I didn’t do more about Belushi and Flavor Flav. Early on, I went to what I perceived was the core of the problem, Fox reality development guru Mike Darnell. I authorized the Ministry of Television Aesthetics to get groups together to try to kill him. I was determined to keep reality programming from infiltrating the Land of Television. I’ve been at the forefront of silencing those who would pollute our air with lame sitcoms.
WALLACE: Do you think you did enough, sir?
MAYOR: No, because reality programming has entered the Land of Television.
WALLACE: Right…
MAYOR: But at least I tried. I wrote a withering review of “Chains of Love.� And when ABC tried to pair “According to Jim� with “Rodney,� I panned that show, as well. That’s the difference in me and some, including all the television development executives who are attacking me now. I tried. So you did their bidding on this show. You did a nice little hit job on me.
WALLACE: Now, wait a minute, sir. I asked a question. You don’t think that’s a legitimate question?
MAYOR: It was a perfectly legitimate question. (Poking Wallace) But I want to know if you asked Stu Bloomberg, when he was at ABC, how hard he tried to keep Jim Belushi off the air. Did you ever ask Gail Berman when she was at Fox, what she was doing to protect Television from reality programming.
WALLACE: Do you ever watch “Fox News Sunday,� sir?
MAYOR: Nah, I like to sleep in on Sundays.
As expected, NBC 'Heroes' managed strong ratings last night, with every statistic a good one - 14.3 million viewers, No. 1 in the timeslot, significant build-up from its lead-in, viewership increases as the hour went on. Ladies and gentlemen, this may be our first bona fide hit of the season.
'Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,' on the other hand, had 11.2 million viewers: Good, not great. But NBC'll take it. ('CSI: Miami' handily beat it, with 17.4 million at 10 p.m.)
And you saw this coming from a mile away: The CW's first new show of the season, 'Runaway,' was allowed to run free, since no one seemed very interested in tracking it down: 2.3 million viewers, a real tank job. The CW should've learned from The WB's disastrous final season, where it tried to lure not only its base of teen audiences but also older viewers with junk like "Just Legal" and "Twins" and got nothing instead: Same deal here. Now, since The CW had weak development and has virtually nothing on its shelves (a mere one midseason scripted drama), it's going to have to watch this timeslot wither and die for several months or add yet a third airing of "America's Next Top Model" (actually more likely: a rerun of "Gilmore Girls") or slap together another reality show really quickly, thus ensuring it fails, as well. So, the launch of a splashy new network: 1 new scripted show that'll survive and two out of 13 hours of primetime devoted to repeats. Fans of "Everwood" must be chuckling bitterly over their bowls of cold bile.
CBS's new sitcom "The Class" could be on the verge of flunking out: 8.5 million viewers in week 2. Originally, the network was going to protect the show, pillowing it between "How I Eventually Got Around to Meeting Your Mother" and "2.5 Men," but, apparently deciding "The Class" was the stronger show, decided to lead with it. This doesn't appear to be working: Plan B, which is the original Plan A, should be in the works as we speak.
And I believe the above headline suggests that if I ever tire of this whole Mayor of Television thing, I have a viable career on a newspaper copy-desk in a mid-size market somewhere in the Midwest.
If you had either Fox's "Justice" or "Happy Hour" in your Fall 2006 death pool, collect your winnings on the way out.
While your Mayor is engaged in a most very valiant battle with a head cold, we present a Greatest Hit from our past, from one of the earliest entries from this site, dating Sept. 25, 1953:
Greetings to all the people of the newly formed Republic of Television! As we deal with the usual birth pangs inherent with the creation of any great new democracy – unrest in the streets, unrest on the sidewalks, the odd CIA coup (the most recent ousting Iranian Prime Minister Mossadegh – without eternal vigilance, Television could be next), not enough men wearing fedoras and far too many boxing and wrestling matches on the primetime schedules – we anticipate a future that will heighten the intellectual, cultural and social awareness of every individual. As it grows and expands in its reach and influence, under my stewardship television will undoubtedly emerge as the most positive stimulus in the history of the planet, surpassing perhaps even the malt-shop jukebox.
In fact, my duties are at present so pressing that I will relinquish the remainder of this dispatch via “weblog� to my Executive Deputy Assistant, Lawrence King. King, a celebrated lady’s man who looks very dapper in suspenders, tends not to think in coherent sentences, preferring to pepper his thoughts in a fragmented, “bite�-size manner. And while this means of communication will never find fashion in the Republic of Television – where the citizens prefer to absorb the full context of every issue, in order to mold informed opinions and not just half-baked, knee-jerk reactions – Lawrence’s youthful enthusiasm is indisputable and his insights are, well … Here’s Mr. King.
Thanks, Mayor, and welcome everybody. I gotta tell you, that Dumont network is a keeper! … But what’s up with this Ernie Kovacs fella and his complex visual style? Someone explain to him that TV is radio with pictures and not movies on a smaller screen. … I keep hearing that this Lucille Ball is a redhead, but you can’t tell it from my TV. … What about that Uncle Miltie dressing up as a woman – again! And not a bad-looking woman, at that! Berle really knows how to milk the toe, if you know what I mean. … You know what’s cool? How news broad-casters get to smoke while reading about the news. The curl of smoke really lends authority to the presentation. That’s a look that’ll never go out of style. … I hear that Sid Caesar is one heckuva nice guy. … Communists, shmommunists: I don’t care what the guy’s selling, Joe McCarthy has a presence that simply lights up the screen! He could peddle floor wax, and then, I’d have way too much floor wax cluttering up my apartment! … Hey, now that television is such a big deal, does anyone know if they’re still making books? …
A very great admirer of the Mayor writes in:
"OK, Mr. TV Critic Person, explain something to me: Why is is that you, and all other TV critics/reporters whose stuff I have perused over the past two weeks, are so obsessed/focused on ratings and shares? Are you required to report that stuff? ... That sh!t is boring! ...
"I start reading something about how 16 million watched this piece-of-crap show, and 13 million watched that other piece-of-crap show, tossed in with the shares and the ratings, and it all just doesn't make a damn bit of sense or even matter to me. Ya'all think you might be doing us a favor by giving this information, as you said, to keep us little people from becoming invested in watching a particular show that might be cancelled. But we don't follow that line of reasoning week to week."
Thank you for the kind invective, Great Admirer of the Mayor. A representative from Fox News Security is racing to your residence as I type.
And now, to appease you, here is the weekend's ratings report.
Friday: "Men in Trees:" Ehh. "Law & Order" v. "Numb3rs:" Everyone's a winner here, with both shows clocking in 11 million viewers.
Saturday: Not even the networks care.
Sunday: "Desperate Housewives" was the big hit of the night, but it lost 4.5 million viewers from its second-season premiere. And things look grim for "Brothers & Sisters," which lost nearly 8 million viewers from its "DH" lead-in and nearly 3 million viewers from 10 to 10:30 p.m. Lots of people: Not impressed. CBS's "Without a Trace" beat it -- and NBC's football -- handily.
Further discussion as to the relative interest of ratings as the new season launches (we're only tracking days when new shows debut) is invited.
... is it can make you sick.
A mere one episode in, and "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" already has its own drinking game, not to mention a piece of weak viral marketing that NBC may soon come to regret. The "blog" entries are blandly uninteresting, but the comments -- initially, NBC employees doing what they're told and playing along, but increasingly, ordinary people using NBC-Universal bandwidth to slag NBC, Jeff Zucker, Aaron Sorkin, Amanda Peet and so on -- can be pretty funny.
The CW is really aggressively pimping its '70s logo and that particularly ugly shade of green it's enshrouding most of its publicity materials in.
CW Entertainment president Dawn Ostroff, beaming furiously, exclaimed of the new network's ersatz chartreuse, "Green is also a very happy color. It really represents fun, happy. It really stands for a lot of what the network is about."
Your mayor, in a wholly scientific endeavor, searched his own residence for items approximating that same color palate, and this is what he came up with:
"Lysol Power Toilet Bowl Cleaner with Bleach: Brightens as it Cleans! ... It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling."
"Antibacterial Scrubbing Bubbles: Easily Removes Soap Scum! ... We work hard so you don't have to! ... HAZARDS TO HUMANS AND DOMESTIC ANIMALS ... STORE OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN."
And nothing else. (That surprises you? Apparently, you have a very dim opinion of the Mayor's fashion sense.)
Getting back to our original point: Apparently, The CW -- home of "One Tree Hill," "Runaway," repeats of "America's Next Top Model" and "Smackdown!" -- decided that its symbolic visual signposts should come from toilet cleansers.
"Age before beauty" doesn't really apply in the land of Television, unless of course it refers to who's being shown the door.
ABC's "Grey's Anatomy" pretty effectively whipped CBS's "CSI" in their first showdown this season, 25.1 million viewers to 22 million. What really tilts things in "Grey's" direction are the numbers from premiere week last year: "GA" gained more than 6 million new viewers, while "CSI" lost 7 million. Somewhere, a very zealous TV writer is already pounding out "CSI's" obituary.
A clips show of "Grey's Anatomy" even did well at 8 p.m., with 13.5 million viewers, though "Survivor: It's Our Rancid Idea and We're Sticking With It" won the hour with 17.25 million. "Earl"/"Office" did what's considered OK for NBC these days, each with about 9 million fans, with yet more "Deal or No Deal" at 9 p.m. luring 10 million lobotomy patients.
At 10 p.m., "ER" -- the Michael Myers of TV; just when you think that finally, finally it's dead and you can return to going about your life, it springs up and assaults you anew -- won the hour opposite two new series' debuts. It began lucky season No. 13 with 15.6 million viewers. CBS's "Shark" had 15 million and ABC's "Six Degrees" had 13.3 million, but the big deal here is that "Six Degrees" lost a lot more of its lead-in audience than "Shark" did, not that "Shark's" viewer retention (not to be confused with water retention -- industry-ese is a joy to speak) was anything to write home about. More damning for "Six Degrees," however, is the fact that it lost 4 million viewers over the course of the episode, meaning many, many people just did not care if the guy who saw the girl with the kid was going to befriend the other guy whose brother knew a guy ...
Fox was hoping to be more competitive on Thursdays this season but it looks like it ain't gonna happen. Its lineup of "'Til Death:" "Happy Hour" and "Celebrity Duets" consistently lost steam as the night wore on, beginning with 6.8 million viewers and shedding half, to 3.3 million, by the time Little Richard and David Foster were done getting on one another's nerves.
"Jericho," CBS's apocalyptic new thriller, seemed to surprise prognosticators with a reasonably hearty 11.4 million viewers for its Wednesday premiere. It came in second to, of course, ABC's "We Say They're Stars So They're Stars, Dammit, Watch Them Dance" results show (14.9 million viewers), but helped lead CBS to an overall win on the night: "Criminal Minds" lured 15.6 million viewers; "CSI: NY," 16 million.
Someone must've abducted "Kidnapped's" audience, because NBC's new serialized drama only got 7.5 million people to watch. Of course, it -- like the network's "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" on Monday -- suffered from an incompatible lead-in, in "Kidnapped's" case, a two-hour version of "The Biggest Loser," whose fan base is thinning to anorexic levels. Its audience was only 7.17 million.
The CW made its primetime debut with a two-hour installment of "America's Next Top Model," which attracted its requisite 5.3 million fans. And now that the other networks have joined the hunt, Fox is beginning to stumble: "Bones" got 6.6 million viewers, "Justice," 5.6 million.
ABC's repeat of last season's two-hour "Grey's Anatomy" finale attracted 12.76 million viewers. So, tonight, the fall schedule's biggest battle begins: "Grey's Anatomy" vs. "CSI." And the winner is: TiVo.
We're not going to be doing this ratings update thing forever; just long enough for you to know which new shows you shouldn't be getting too closely attached to lest your heart be broken at their inevitable cancellations. So, Tuesday:
ABC's "Dancing with the Stars" steamrollered pretty much everything with 18 million viewers. It even dinged CBS's "NCIS," which stands up strong against "American Idol," but last night managed a soft (by its standards, at least; strong by most others) 13.1 million viewers. "House" had a similarly not-up-to-its-usual-juggernaut-standards 13.4 million viewers at 8 p.m. and NBC's "Deal or No Deal," forced into a placeholder's position, managed a mere 10.7 million viewers after doing so much better on Monday.
"Dancing" won the 9 p.m. hour, as well, with CBS's "The Unit" sturdy with 12. 1 million viewers and NBC's "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" OK with 11.6 million. "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" perked up at 10 p.m. with 14.4 million viewers, good enough to win the hour.
And though today's Daily News named "Standoff's" Rosemarie DeWitt as someone worth keeping an eye on this season, the ratings imply you better not get too attached to her: "Standoff" got rolled by the competition at 9 p.m. with only 7.9 million viewers.
At 10 p.m., "Boston Legal" followed "L&O: SVU" with 11.6 million viewers. CBS's new "Smith," even without those pesky commercials, managed 10.7 million curious sets of eyes. Not bad, but given that cast, you'd be forgiven for expecting something more (from the numbers -- and, frankly, from the show itself).
Tonight, it's the end of the world as we know it on CBS's "Jericho;" will viewers feel fine?
Three days after the fall season has already begun, the nascent CW network – cobbled together from the tattered remains of The WB and UPN – embarks upon its – well, “bold� is too bold a word – experiment. Tonight, “America’s Next Top Model,� UPN’s nominal “hit,� premieres with a two-hour special. (Pretty girls bitching about one another for two hours – that’s how The CW plans to break through to audiences, even though in past seasons the show has done well to lure a mere 5 million viewers.)
Keith Marder, former WB publicist (and former L.A. Daily News TV critic), appeared before TV critics in July on behalf of the new network and wryly noted that The CW's new slogan was: “Two wrongs do make a right.�
The CW essentially melds the most promising shows from The WB and UPN. On its face, this description should not inspire much confidence. That tired rubric, “synergy,� applies here on only one night, Tuesday: Will “Gilmore Girls� lure any more viewers to the perennially ignored “Veronica Mars?�
About 25 new shows will debut this fall, only two from The CW: “Runaway� and “The Game.� So the new network looks to get ignored during its launch, as the nation’s TV critics will focus on new shows.
And The CW’s offerings are hardly breakout shows; at best, they’re programs that will perpetuate The CW’s previous incarnations’ reputations of being uninspired ratings grabbers. “The Game,� about women voraciously dependent upon football stars, is mildly amusing – but, it’s airing opposite NBC’s “Sunday Night Football,� which is all but assured to cannibalize “The Game’s� audience. (“Sunday Night Football� will likely turn up in the autopsy on one of The CW’s best shows, “Everybody Hates Chris,� which deserves a chance to find an audience beyond the African-American viewers The CW has consigned it to on Sunday.)
“Runaway,� a “Fugitive�-style show about an entire family on the lam, will be hard-pressed to engage anyone, given its generic concept.
(The fact that virtually no CW show challenges CBS's premieres -- genious overlord Les Moonves oversees the progress of both networks -- underscores its overall underrated value in the grand scheme of things.)
So, we’re left with that question of whether “Gilmore Girls� will inspire more viewers to watch “Veronica Mars,� and that’s contingent on whether “Gilmore Girls� fans are anxious to see Lorelai and Rory scripted by someone besides series creator Amy Sherman-Palladino. I spoke to a 13-year-old recently who expressed severe misgivings whether the show could retain the same panache without Sherman-Palladino’s input. And, sure, you’ll say, she’s just 13, but when I spoke to her about “Survivor’s� segregated season, she was most thoughtfully appalled: “Are you kidding?� she demanded. So if 13-year-olds are so finely attuned to a show’s incipient jumping of the shark, you better expect that the rest of the country will be watching the show with equal measures of discretion.
The point is: “Gilmore Girls� could lose it this season. So its lead-in to “Veronica Mars� could count for squat.
What The CW truly needed was a splashy, breakout show that declared to viewers, ‘We’re not content with mediocre ratings.’ The network failed that test. This is a network that is hoping for good results from the justifiably ignored "One Tree Hill." That's all you need to know.
Boy, the people at MTV Networks are hellbent to convince people not to watch their cable stations. A day after Nickelodeon announced it would go dark for three hours to encourage kids to play outside, TV Land issues this press release:
"As part of its commitment to Family Day – A Day To Eat Dinner With Your Children, TV Land will pre-empt regularly-scheduled programming and “go dark� on September 25, from 6pm to 7pm (ET/PT) to encourage families to dine together. Over the last several months, people committed to eating together on Family Day have been registering participation at www.FamilyTable.info for their family, friends and loved ones."
Intriguingly enough, TV Land has trademarked the phrase "A Day To Eat Dinner With Your Children." Which means, one presumes, that if you do indeed dine with those precious to you, you'll have to pay royalties to TV Land.
While millions of estranged families will almost certainly use the excuse of "There's nothing on TV Land, so I guess we'll all have to spend some time getting to know one another," your Mayor has always advocated the principle: If you don't want people to watch your network, just run episodes of "According to Jim."
Tomorrow, I expect CBS to announce that it will go dark at 8 p.m. Friday, because a test pattern is almost certainly going to be more entertaining than "Ghost Whisperer."
Overnight ratings for the first evening of the new season are in, and your Mayor declares victory for ... everyone! Well, except ABC. And The CW, but, of course, The CW goes without saying.
Fox had a bit of a time with it. CBS and NBC could probably be a little happier...
But, victory! For all!
On CBS, the debut of "The Class" did OK, with 10.5 million viewers ("The King of Queens" did just incrementally better in the timeslot last year). "How I Met Your Mother's" ratings were close enough to last year's that they don't have to worry much. "2 1/2 Men" and "New Adventures of Old Christine," 15 and 12.1 million viewers, respectively.
But they were all squashed by the two-hour "Deal or No Deal" on NBC, which averaged 15.6 million viewers. (OK. I can't even imagine watching an entire hour of "Deal or No Deal," but for the sake of argument, let's say I can. But two hours? Of imbeciles guessing? Really -- your time is that valuable to you?) That led into the debut of "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," which averaged 13.4 million viewers, but lost a couple of million in its second half-hour. Which, given a lead-in like "Deal or No Deal," would seem to be a given: Protoplasmic lumps watching the no-braineriest show on TV suddenly confronted with bracing dialogue and nuanced concepts? Of course they're gonna flee in terror.
"CSI: Miami" handily beat "Studio 60" in the hour, with 17.6 million viewers. (Also, just wondering: how many viewers did "Studio 60" lose through NBC's arrangement with NetFlix to provide subscribers to that service with screeners of the pilot, so they didn't have to actually tune in Monday night?)
Over on Fox, "Prison Break" sturdily stood up to the added competition with 9.4 million viewers, though "Vanished" is turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy, with only 7.4 million viewers. ABC's junky evening of reality ballparked in the 7-8.7 million viewership range. (ESPN's "Monday Night Football" clobbered ABC, which used to own "MNF," by the way, with 13.3 million viewers.) The CW did not officially launch last night, though a special, "ET Presents: The CW - Launch of a New Network" wowed a pittance of 1.38 million people whose remotes apparently weren't working.
From today's Press Release Of The Day:
"On Sept. 30, Nickelodeon will celebrate its third annual Worldwide Day of Play by going off the air for three hours (12 noon – 3 p.m.), in order to encourage kids to go outside and be active. Worldwide Day of Play is part of the “Let’s Just Play� campaign, Nickelodeon's pro-social commitment ... to encourage kids to participate in active, healthy, and playful lifestyles."
How many kids will mistake this for a "Let's Just Change the Channel" campaign?
While efforts continue apace to locate the rumored underground bunker/laboratory that manufactures the diminutive, dissembling executrixes that Les Moonves seems to prefer to run his empire (Nina Tassler at CBS, Dawn Ostroff at The CW), we'll cut short the analysis on CBS's 2006/07 season. Mainly because there isn't a lot to say.
CBS is in as sound a shape as a network can be these days. The network needed a paltry four new shows to kick off its season, which begins officially tonight with the debut of "The Class." It and "Shark," which finds James Woods playing against type as a brilliant, charismatic and arrogant attorney (the "attorney" part is where "playing against type" comes in), should do quite well.
"Smith:" Eh. "Jericho:" Ugh. (The latter's not bad, but a feel-good show about nuclear devastation seems a tough sell to the masses; NBC's "Heroes" also features a nuclear blast -- what is it about the current global situation that has TV producers thinking in such apocalyptic terms? -- but at least that one can be averted.)
As its shows age, the network that delights in empirically dubbing itself "The Network" may lose a smidgen of steam (we've discussed "Survivor" at length already, but any network executive would barter a lackey's soul for a show with those ratings, even if it's considered by pundits to be something less than an unqualified success). But by filling its schedule with slick, generally smart (notable exception: "Ghost Whisperer"), middlebrow (in the best sense of the word) entertainment, Moonves' sovereignty looks to remain healthy for many years.
An avid patron of the arts, your Mayor happily drove this afternoon to the exhibit by guerilla artist Banksy – happily, that is, until I arrived in the desiccated industrial neighborhood south of downtown where the exhibit was tucked away, and saw a line snaking the length of Hunter Street and pouring out onto Santa Fe.
Such are the hazards of staying on art’s cutting edge. We’ve discussed Banksy before, namely his inspired prank involving Paris Hilton CDs: I surmised at the time that his devastating critique of her lifestyle would be just the thing to force her into a reassessment of her values; alas, I appear to have been incorrect. (More on the CD later.) Banksy’s an apparently well-funded provocateur who enjoys such pranks as surreptitiously placing hilariously repurposed paintings in art museums; he’s not above spraying a little graffiti around if it serves his, well, vision.
But the reason so many thousands of Angelinos tore themselves away from the day’s pro-football antics is that Banksy offended some animal-rights activists by including a live elephant that had been spray-painted bright colors standing in a quaint living-room tableau for this exhibit. Those attending were handed a small card that read, in part:
“There’s an elephant in the room. There’s a problem that we never talk about. … 1.7 Billion people have no access to clean drinking water. 20 Billion people live below the poverty line.� (A most astounding statistic, given that the World PopClock projects that, as I write this, there are a mere 6,544,778,901 people actually on the planet. Well, now it’s up to 6,544,783,291. Now, 6,544,784,023. I'm going to have to bail on the updates, but I guess what's it's suggesting is that enough people aren't dying.)
It continued: “Every day hundreds of people are made to feel physically sick by morons at art shows telling them how bad the world is but never actually doing something about it. Anybody want a free glass of wine?�
Banksy, as the exhibit makes clear, has issues with the very medium in which he labors (a malady from which I can assure you I, as the Mayor of Television, do not suffer). And rather than, yes, crusade for the homeless, thousands of us spent up to an hour in line – longer than it takes to get on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disneyland on a summer day, for heaven’s sake – in order to receive a witty, if firm, slap on the wrist.
That line moved with a spirit-crushing slowness. In one third-floor apartment across the street, a guy tried to sell those stuck there beverages, but he was none too swift: He dropped a can on a truck parked below his fire-escape balcony, then, giving up, popped open a bottle of Champagne, sprayed a little on those below, then swigged from the bottle. He disappeared into his apartment, his exercise in capitalism collapsed, never to be seen again.
I doubt you could gather those attending this event under one roof under any other circumstances. Though there were plenty of inked and pierced fans (note to all of humanity: Don't pierce your septum; the resulting jewelry looks like a booger), the cleancut couple in front of me – teachers both, apparently – spent a great deal of time avidly discussing a lesson plan that involved coloring in construction-paper M&Ms. A few people, apparently inspired by the exhibit, boldly engaged in civil disobedience – um, freedom of expression – tagging buildings along the street at will.
A man distributed a flier summing up the ongoing controversy: “While I am better described as an animal lover than an animal activist, I was appalled to read about the painting of Tai (the elephant) for the titillation of the art-going public.� While I must right now insist that I was, in fact, not titillated by the elephant, not even remotely – perhaps because by Sunday evening, most of the paint had worn off, or perhaps I just don't have a body-painting fetish – it was heartwarming to see that people could get more distraught over the fate of one animal rather than millions of impoverished fellow humans.
After about 40 minutes in line, a rescue truck and two ladder trucks came down the street. A videographer, perhaps some TMZ.com wanna-be, jumped on the second ladder truck's back bumper as it headed down the narrow street. Some nervously wondered if that meant the exhibit would be shut down. I hopefully offered the notion that it was all part of the act. Neither scenario proved true; the fire trucks backed out immediately upon arriving, though the rescue truck stayed put. A shocking number of people were taking photos or video footage of the long line, as if they had never seen a crowd of people before in their lives. Or, perhaps, they were NSA operatives documenting patrons of an anti-war, anti-consumerism art show. Or, perhaps, they were NSA operatives documenting radicals attending, simply, an art show.
Outside the sultry warehouse in which the exhibit was placed, an angel wearing a gas mask floated above the crowd. Inside (after surviving a phalanx of security folks rooting out those who had stickers or spray-paint cans - they didn't want people to add further comment to Banksy's measured, reasoned artifice) was a hodgepodge of artworks that had been humorously defaced and some with iconic images bastardized or made fresh by propagandistic sloganeering (you can see them in the first link in this entry). Minutes after I got into the warehouse, Tai punched his timeclock and was herded into a trailer: I came this close to missing him. The problem of poverty, alas, had not been solved.
Actually, the elephant was hardly the most interesting thing in the exhibit. One room even hotter and sweatier than the others ran a film loop explicating Banksy’s ballsy exploits, including the notorious Paris Hilton prank. (Paris is seen on TV, too much: There’s your tenuous link for this entry in this blog.) While Banksy’s version of Hilton’s CD, with music by Danger Mouse, were unfortunately not available for sale, the funniest thing in the whole exhibit was a cube containing copies that were being fed upon by what appeared to be enormous Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches.
When I left, the line was just as long as it had been when I joined it, and there was less than an hour left before the exhibit was scheduled to shut down. And, of course, Tai had already packed his trunk and gone home. (Sorry to end such a long entry with such a lame joke, but after all the poverty stuff, it felt like the right thing to do.)
Given that NBC isn’t going to get clobbered by The CW this season (The CW won’t clobber anyone but MyNetwork, but then, some cable-access channels could clobber MyNetwork), the network has nowhere to go but up. It’s improved its schedule a smidgen, albeit with traditionally tough-sell programming. It’s not going to catch up to CBS or Fox this year, but if ABC’s new shows falter, the network some people call “The Peacock� when they’re trying to sound in the know and/or just tired of saying “NBC� might make a run at third place.
(Admittedly, even that scenario’s a tough sell, given just how phenomenally popular ABC’s most successful shows are and how mediocre the reception tends to be toward NBC’s best current shows. On the other hand, more of ABC’s new shows appear to be more readily perched on the precipice of failure – and ABC has a lot more new shows.)
NBC’s new shows are a bit problematic, as we’ve pointed out a few times in the past: The network’s most promising new series are in genres routinely rejected, with a clockwork regularity, by viewers. The first one up comes tomorrow night, when Aaron Sorkin’s “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,� the best new broadcast-network series, premieres; it and Tina Fey’s “30 Rock,� both offer behind-the-scenes glimpses into those hyper-neurotic souls who fuel the TV business. That may fascinate those of us who live on the coasts, who are within cat-throwing distance of such vermin, but as for the rest of the country: Not so much. As for “Friday Night Lights,� a slick yet soulful and, yes, pretty melodramatic look at small-town Texas high-school football (the book upon which the show is based, and the film which is likewise based upon the book but which more directly inspired the TV series, were both excellent; this, on the other hand, is merely very good) – viewers don’t tend to flock to sports-themed shows.
So, that leaves us with “Kidnapped,� a neatly constructed Sudoku puzzle only with a body count, which is more than serviceably absorbing and has a decent chance of succeeding (unless viewers retreat en masse from serialized dramas, at which point the entire season will be an unqualified and unexpected disaster of Old Testament proportions). And “20 Good Years,� which’ll succeed only if viewers really want to revisit TV’s worst impulses – namely, really, extraordinarily outsized performances that overwhelm anything the material might have to offer – of the past 40 years.
And “Heroes.� I’m of two minds about “Heroes,� about a group of disparate bunch of global citizens possessed of powers that – well, see below. My initial take was that the creators have kind of over-thought their premise. Of course, an initial scroll reading: “In recent days, a seemingly random group of individuals has emerged with what can only be described as ‘special’ abilities. … These individuals will not only save the world, but change it forever. … Volume One of their epic tale begins here…� coupled with blather like this: “Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream?� would give anyone that impression.
But as the thing goes on, some of the stories of these disparate empowered characters – and the suburban dad who would destroy them (no, honest) – get pretty fascinating. The “Lost� crowd should take to this, and NBC has already pretty effectively marketed this show to click with the geek clique (there’s a reason it’s the new show that’s generated the most Internet searches). That narration – taken, I’m assuming, from a book written by one of the characters’ murdered father (another sample: “Suddenly, the change in your life that should’ve been wonderful comes instead as a betrayal, as disloyal as a blush� – it’s like “Desperate Housewives�’ narration written by a New Age self-help nitwit) – still needs to go, though.
It was hard sometimes to tell whether the talk show within HBO's "The Larry Sanders Show" was intended to be any good. Few of the actual in-show sketches, or what little we were shown of them, were any good; they seemed to just allow Garry Shandling another opportunity to do that thing where his smile becomes a grimace so subtly you got to where you couldn't tell them apart.
All this by way of introducing "Talkshow with Spike Feresten," starring a former writer for David Letterman, which debuts tonight at midnight on Fox. Where, Feresten reminds us repeatedly, there's little or no expectations for an actual audience, just a random spate of losers who suddenly lost the gumption to keep pressing buttons on their remotes.
And this is precisely the show they deserve. It's something of a marvel Feresten made it to the air at all: Last May, at Fox's fairly disastrous upfront, he may have been the lowest point in a roundly criticized show: The response to his stand-up monologue would actually have been improved by crickets chirping. That he's on the air after bombing so thoroughly in front of advertisers, who would therefore know better than to throw ad money at a show like this, suggests that Fox could give a crap or is just clueless about late-night programming (this is the network, after all, that gave the world "The Chevy Chase Show").
"Talkshow," ostensibly, is a parody of talk shows, so a bit entitled "How to do man-in-the-street comedy" seems like it's supposed to point out how cheap this sort of thing is. And certainly, there are some noxiously unfunny sketches, but then, there also appear to be moments in which Feresten is actually trying to get a laugh. (That he's unsuccessful is beside the point.) So, as best as I can tell, Feresten is an anti-comic in the tradition of Neil Hamburger -- whose whole shtick is alienating audiences -- but, in the end, he lacks the courage to follow through on that gambit and therefore looks all the more miserable. When the show returns from a lame filmed sequence to Spike's hearty laughing, it's hard to tell if he is genuinely deluded into thinking the bit was funny, or that's the only way he can think to disguise his flop sweat. And certainly, it doesn't help that his mannerisms suggest a Xerox of a Xerox of a Xerox of his mentor Letterman.
Bits with celebrity guests -- Andy Richter tonight; Mary Lynn Rajskub in the future (provided there is a future) -- are likewise underwhelming and anticlimactic, despite the guests' relative gameness.
Feresten has already written his obituary, in tonight's vaguely amusing opening exploring the notion of a "Fox late-night curse," which resulted in atrocities such as the aforementioned "Chevy Chase Show." A narrator grimly asks, will that curse continue with "Talkshow?": “The answer is, almost assuredly so.� And there you have it.
Just as another lie from our childhood is exposed -- that spinach is good for you -- so is the supposition that everyone in Hollywood is focused on their careers over all else.
Amanda Peet, one of the stars of NBC's upcoming "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," is pregnant; so is "Desperate Housewives"' Marcia Cross.
Hence, a season of lots of close-ups, of shots of actresses behind furniture, of women with pillows in their laps, of characters trading in their physique-flattering wardrobes for formless frocks and muumuus.
Patrick Dempsey of "Grey's Anatomy" is expecting a child, too; fortunately for his fans, that show's producers won't have to hide him behind a retrofitted stethoscope the size of a hubcap.
Last night's premiere of "Survivor: Montgomery, Alabama" -- er, sorry, "Survivor: Cook Islands" -- did OK in the ratings, but the segregation gimmick proved not to be the thing that'll put the kibbosh on viewer erosion.
CBS issued the obligatory giddy press release, which breathlessly exclaimed that last night's episode's 17.7 million viewers -- a not inconsiderable number by any means -- "delivered the largest audience and highest ratings in key demographics for a 'Survivor' episode since last February." Given that maybe about 10 episodes of "Survivor" have aired since last February, that seems to be an awfully weak selling point for such ebullience. More noteworthy is that last year at this time, "Survivor: Guatemala" debuted before an audience of 18.4 million.
(UPDATE: CBS released a final ratings number of 18 million viewers, enough of a bump to make qualifying and hedging and rewriting the paragraph above a bit of a chore. Still, to further stem viewer defection, the next version might consider human sacrifices.)
"Cook Islands"' crass gimmick, in the end (at least last night), was neither fish nor fowl -- the fowl were lost when that "Rollergirl" let them escape. Sure, Jeff Probst was anxious to point out a cultural stereotype (black men don't respect their women) and the show's producers are clearly accentuating any moment that race even hints at becoming an issue. But the contestants, by and large, to their credit don't seem particularly interested in playing along.
Meanwhile, Fox's new Thursday sitcoms couldn't even beat a repeat of "Grey's Anatomy" at 8 p.m. last night. "'Til Death" and "Happy Hour" lost more than 20 percent of their audience from last week, garnering 6.3 and 5 and a quarter million viewers, respectively (though not respectably), numbers that generally spell cancellation, though of course this is Thursday, where Fox has traditionally struggled. Its "Celebrity Duets" at 9 p.m. just barely managed to scrape past repeats of "My Name is Earl" and "The Office."
Wednesday: ABC's "Dancing with the Stars" (sorry; don't get it, never will) trounced everything in its path. CBS's finale of "Rock Star: Supernova" was received with the same shrug that has greeted it since its incarnation. And Fox's "Bones" and "Justice" are praying that the hit they take when the season begins next week won't cripple them.
MyNetwork's shows, "Desire" and "Fashion House," average fewer than a million viewers nightly -- that's fewer than a million viewers spread out throughout the country. So you have a better chance of contracting cancer than of meeting a MyNetwork viewer.
Finally, next week on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," guests include Bill Clinton and Johnny Knoxville, touting "Jackass Number Two." Actually, I suppose there should have been some sort of qualifier in there between "Clinton" and "and," because to the best of my knowledge, Clinton is not also promoting "Jackass Number Two." But where, outside of right-wing blogs, do you get the chance to see the words "Bill Clinton" and "Jackass" in the same sentence?
Well, Stephen Colbert's heroes managed their assignment quite well. On tonight's "The Colbert Report," he announced that the winner of an online vote to name a Hungarian bridge was: Stephen Colbert.
This is news so fresh that not even his fan site has it up yet, though give them time. There may be a hitch, however: Colbert was told tonight that in Hungary, bridges are only named after dead people.
No other TV performer has figured out the possibilities of Internet interactivity with fans like Colbert. Consider his Wikipedia prank or his current contest inviting fans to alter some greenscreen footage of him with a light sabre. A good number of TV series and performers could learn something from Colbert, though they'd probably never be as funny about it.
Your devoted Mayor has already issued a proclamation to his dedicated constituency as to Mike Judge’s satire of America’s imbecilic future, “Idiocracy,� which its studio was doing its utmost to bury. Said film imagines America a half-millenium in the future, where the TV show “Ow! My balls!� is the No. 1 hit.
We hereby wish to clarify that film’s prescience. In the coming dark days, Showtime’s “The Underground� will clearly appeal more to lobotomized viewers. "Ow! My Balls!" is nuanced by comparison. We apologize for any confusion this may have inspired.
Anyone wishing to see “Idiocracy� better do so today; Fox will surely vacuum it from our collective memories by Friday.
Grace not only ran her bullying interview with a woman whose 2-year-old son had disappeared after the woman had committed suicide, she offered the woman's suicide -- two hours after her phone interview with Grace -- as a selling point for her story. That’s cajones that even Stephen Colbert can’t boast.
I think it can be said that the jury’s in; Grace is guilty as charged; string ’er up. But as Attorney General of the Land of Television, Nancy with the Snarling Eyes would certainly reduce the number of cases that go to trial and, therefore, the cost to taxpayers.
Your Mayor had the privilege to appear Ms. Grace’s CNN Headline News program. Herewith, the transcript:
THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
NANCY GRACE, HOST: It’s been called one of the most heinous crimes of the century: The assassination of John F. Kennedy. We have tracked down new evidence that may force the re-opening of this landmark case. With me now, The Mayor of Television. Mr. Mayor, sit down. Sit down.
MAYOR: Uh, Nancy, why am I here?
GRACE: I ask the questions here, Bubba. Is it true you once lived in Dallas?
MAYOR: Yes…
GRACE: The same exact city in which John F. Kennedy was murdered, correct?
MAYOR: Yes, but…
GRACE: What, you’re going to say Kennedy wasn’t killed in Dallas?
MAYOR: No, but I lived there in the ’80s. Uh…
GRACE: And I guess there’s just no such thing as vacations or traveling about the country, is there?
MAYOR: Well…
GRACE: And you held a rifle when you were in Dallas, did you not?
MAYOR: Well, that’s true, although it was more north of Dallas, in McKinney…
GRACE: Splitting hairs. Quit ducking my questions. What were you doing the day of November 23, 1963?
MAYOR: Mmm, I can’t really remember…
GRACE: Oh, that’s convenient. Honestly, Mr. Mayor, that’s the oldest out in the book. You’re going to have to do much better than that to elude my exquisite grilling of you.
MAYOR: Nancy, I was two years old in 1963. I couldn’t…
GRACE: Boy, it’s every excuse in the book for you, isn’t it? I’m sick of your evasions.
MAYOR: But Oliver Stone proved – he proved – well – The Warren Commission found –
GRACE: You’re beneath contempt. Get out of my studio and run. Run, before the authorities figure out what I already know.
And, dear constituents, I did. Run I did. Because by the end of the interview Ms. Grace appeared to be salivating, and I'm pretty sure I saw a knife and fork in her jacket pocket.
When the Good People of Television periodically run out of awards to give to one another, our preferred fallback pastime is getting on panels and talking about ourselves.
And so it was today, when your faithful Mayor was invited to attend the Hollywood Radio & Television Society's Newsmaker Luncheon, featuring CBS CEO Les Moonves in conversation with talk-show host Charlie Rose, who was multi-tasking (he taped the discussion for airing at a future date, perhaps as early as tomorrow night). The Mayor was honored to be a guest of the HRTS, but really, guys: Table 79?
Moonves, of course, is a favorite of those who cover the semiannual Television Press Tour: He's funny and he's caustic; alas, CBS has somewhat muzzled Moonves, giving his executive-session chores over to the assiduously bland Nina Tassler. Fox's Peter Liguori is now the straightest-shooter of network entertainment presidents, but he doesn't slag the competition enough.
Much of the conversation was given over to things Moonves has said before: "Katie Couric brings accessibility" to the new evening newscast (maybe, but she's already lost more than half her audience from last Tuesday), "Julie Chen is phenomenal" (I think he was referring to her work on "The Early Show"), "It's the story" that's important in creating television, "You still need that content" whether you're a broadcast network, cable channel or broadband internet outlet and so on.
Moonves admitted that during CBS's trudge through the dark days of Memogate, "Things couldn't possibly have been worse for (CBS News employees) at that time," but that was by way of contrasting the Couric-fueled mood today: "Now, we are competitive. That's all you can ask for. Morale is high." Couric was brought in, he said, because the average evening newscast viewer is 60 -- "That means, in a few years, they could be dead," he pointed out diplomatically; Couric hopes to draw younger viewers, "and by younger, I mean 47."
This year's TV development was across-the-board better, Moonves crowed; "Best development year in decades." Why? Rose asked. "If I knew the answer to that, I'd be very rich," Les replied. The requisite, perfectly timed beat. "I am very rich."
Charlie told Les, "You seem to be a bit cocky." Um, Charlie: It's Les Moonves.
At one point, Rose got Moonves to stop talking so he could finish a question, something I had not seen a journalist manage before. Nor had the audience, which laughed at the anomaly. Later, though, Charlie got a little too fawning: "You get up in the morning and you're excited about the day." Not a question really, just an intimation that Rose knows a little more about Moonves' mornings than anyone previously suspected.
It was moments like that, not to mention the copious questions about Wall Street and Rose's incessant name-checking of MySpace and YouTube and Google, that I had trouble focusing; the four or six glasses of wine may not have helped. (But before you scoff and say, "Ah, the Mayor cannot hold his alcohol," let me point out that at the Mayor's mansion, there is no bottle of wine with a vintage younger than 1998, while the grog set out at the table -- odd that the wait staff didn't provide anyone else at my table with a bottle -- was a 2004. Practically Thunderbird. My cultivated palate wasn't prepared for such uncouth grapes.)
Woozy, I looked down at my pen, and noticed that it sported NBC's peacock logo. In my hazy state, I began to fear that I had been transformed into some sort of "Manchurian Candidate" hitman without my knowledge or cooperation, and, quite likely, the man responsible was Jeff Zucker, who no doubt wanted Moonves dead. Desperately shaking the cobwebs from my brain, I realized that Moonves hadn't taunted Zucker in quite some time, and that not even an NBC executive would leave behind such damning evidence, so I concluded that the real puppet master manipulating my actions was former Viacom executive Tom Freston, who had been engaged in a power struggle with Moonves until his ouster last week, and was diabolically framing Zucker.
I then realized I had no weapon with which to perform the task for which I had been dispatched. I considered my butter knife, but it had salad dressing upon it and Les was wearing too nice a tie to get dirty. I decided to improvise, and lunged toward the stage, hoping the NBC pen was perhaps a gun in disguise.
"Que?" blurted my bodyguard, one I had hired away from a Panamanian strongman or two ago. "Que pasa? Put that pen down! Are you loco?" (I had trained my bodyguard to speak like all Latino characters on TV -- using Spanish only where even the dimmest viewers could figure out what they're saying, and English at all other times.)
I was wrestled down at table 77 before I reached the stage. After several indignant, well-pitched cries of "Don't you know who I am?", order was restored, and I was released on my own cognizance.
"Path to 9/11"-style disclaimer after the jump.