David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. "Wonder" shows 'em
“Wonder Showzen,� MTV2’s faux-kids’ show so ingeniously appalling that its producers requested five copies of my rave review of it, will soon release its second season on DVD. Thoughtfully, they sent me an advance copy and, as I was perusing its contents (which are so utterly subversive that attempting to explicate narratives and then explain their revolutionary goals and then further elaborate upon the fierceness of their social insights would be so wearying that it’s far easier merely to offer a blurb: “‘Wonder Showzen’ is a wonder! Your children will likely be scarred for life anyway, so let them see this to understand why!�), I came upon what appears to be an homage to your Mayor.
One episode features an animated vignette concerning “Detective Dave Kronke, supercop.� (It mispronounces my surname, ignoring the long “e� at the end, but then, many people do, which makes me sound like a Disney character. “Chicago Hope� employed this same sort of character assassination against my beloved father.)
Speaking of assassination, “Detective Dave Kronk(e)� is murdered early on in the skit. For, I am aghast to report, humor’s sake. It’s as if a standing U.S. President mocked a discredited pretext to war while troops were dying. The fact that, in this case, the particulars of the results of said death is actually kind of funny, should not stem the outrage of the citizens of Television.
Your Mayor has been the subject of character assassination in the past, namely, about a decade ago, when a really unpalatable fast-food franchise specializing in gastronomically dubious fast-fare ran a radio ad about one David Kronke’s addiction to reduced-fat burritos (they did, at least, pronounce my name correctly). (And though many wonder, curiously enough, about the veracity of many of this blog’s entries – as if a political figure would lead you astray – I promise this bizarre entry is true.) (Well, except for the upcoming "Will & Grace" thing -- as if I'd own a late-season "Will & Grace" boxed-DVD set.) Robert Stack, of all people, narrated the radio ads; several people actually asked me if I was, in fact, involved in the promotion of said burritos.
The idea that I – then, a mere freelance writer – could be considered someone who could convince idiots to patronize a crappy Tex-Mex fast-food outlet was pure folly; yet I had to convince several friends and acquaintances that I had nothing to do with those radio spots and, in fact, had to request of the offending ad agency to pull those spots which, eventually, they did. (Though, in many dark moments of the night, I had to ask myself why my name was recruited to tout inedible Taco Bell fare and not, say, Mercedes automobiles.)
At any rate, your Mayor’s chief regret at this point is that he didn’t attend himself to “Wonder Showzen’s� DVD earlier. When I visited Amoeba Records earlier in the evening, the employees were watching and laughing at “Wonder Showzen.� Had I been able to name-drop myself at the store, I might’ve been able to wrest a dollar or two more from trading in my copy of the lame seventh-season of “Will & Grace.�
Again, the above headline goes into my portfolio for that job on a mid-level paper's copy desk.