David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. Warning: Period Verisimilitude
While your Mayor is engaged in a most very valiant battle with a head cold, we present a Greatest Hit from our past, from one of the earliest entries from this site, dating Sept. 25, 1953:
Greetings to all the people of the newly formed Republic of Television! As we deal with the usual birth pangs inherent with the creation of any great new democracy – unrest in the streets, unrest on the sidewalks, the odd CIA coup (the most recent ousting Iranian Prime Minister Mossadegh – without eternal vigilance, Television could be next), not enough men wearing fedoras and far too many boxing and wrestling matches on the primetime schedules – we anticipate a future that will heighten the intellectual, cultural and social awareness of every individual. As it grows and expands in its reach and influence, under my stewardship television will undoubtedly emerge as the most positive stimulus in the history of the planet, surpassing perhaps even the malt-shop jukebox.
In fact, my duties are at present so pressing that I will relinquish the remainder of this dispatch via “weblog� to my Executive Deputy Assistant, Lawrence King. King, a celebrated lady’s man who looks very dapper in suspenders, tends not to think in coherent sentences, preferring to pepper his thoughts in a fragmented, “bite�-size manner. And while this means of communication will never find fashion in the Republic of Television – where the citizens prefer to absorb the full context of every issue, in order to mold informed opinions and not just half-baked, knee-jerk reactions – Lawrence’s youthful enthusiasm is indisputable and his insights are, well … Here’s Mr. King.
Thanks, Mayor, and welcome everybody. I gotta tell you, that Dumont network is a keeper! … But what’s up with this Ernie Kovacs fella and his complex visual style? Someone explain to him that TV is radio with pictures and not movies on a smaller screen. … I keep hearing that this Lucille Ball is a redhead, but you can’t tell it from my TV. … What about that Uncle Miltie dressing up as a woman – again! And not a bad-looking woman, at that! Berle really knows how to milk the toe, if you know what I mean. … You know what’s cool? How news broad-casters get to smoke while reading about the news. The curl of smoke really lends authority to the presentation. That’s a look that’ll never go out of style. … I hear that Sid Caesar is one heckuva nice guy. … Communists, shmommunists: I don’t care what the guy’s selling, Joe McCarthy has a presence that simply lights up the screen! He could peddle floor wax, and then, I’d have way too much floor wax cluttering up my apartment! … Hey, now that television is such a big deal, does anyone know if they’re still making books? …
Comments
Ahhh. No one could milk the toe like Milton. How miss that... He could wax my floor anytime.
Posted by: Suzy Q | September 25, 2006 6:02 PM