October 2006 Archives

The Daily News introduced a new TV Book on Sunday, incorporated into its features section: Bigger, easier-to-read grids but no list of movies airing during the week. Some folks liked it; some didn't - you win some, you lose some. Meanwhile, a number of callers this week complained that BBC America wasn't part of the grid and it was hard to find in their cable package. Boy, you can't please anybody.

Well, let's try this: Spencer Green, co-creator of “Bukowsical!�, a cheerful and tuneful portrait of a raging alcoholic which we have previously discussed, has written the definitive grid for the networks’ primetime schedules. It’s not for the easily offended or anyone who actually works on any of the shows evoked, but it’s perhaps the deftest, most succinct act of TV criticism of the fall season available.

... always get NBC down.

The network probably would've preferred a bit less of a nebulous result from last night's trial run of "Friday Night Lights" in place of "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." Both shows are fighting for their lives, and last night, "FNL" did just slightly better than "S60" did in the past couple of weeks, and significantly better than it does in its Tuesday timeslot.

It did squander 40 percent of its "Heroes" lead-in audience ("Heroes" continues to get stronger), but one thing don't bode well for "Studio 60:" While its 7.7 million viewers last week represented the nadir (thusfar, at least) of a downward trend, "FNL's" 8.3 million last night suggests something of a shot in the arm for the show. Now, NBC will likely have to try the show in the timeslot yet again to make sure this wasn't some sort of fluke. Which, of course, could kill of any momentum "Studio 60" might've had at this point and ensure its demise.

Like I said, more definitive results last night, good or bad, would've been better news for NBC.

TMZ.com, dedicated to the noble cause of standing by and pointing while celebrities humiliate themselves, is throwing itself a little 1-year birthday bash on Nov. 8. They're trotting out the big guns for this one: Amongst those attending are The Barbi Twins, Shanna Moakler, Tera Patrick, Morgan Fairchild, Cheryl Burke, Samantha Harris - I had to Google most of the above to find out who they are.

Two names I recognized: Cuttino Mobley and Paul Davis of the L.A. Clippers. Hmm. I have Clippers tickets for Nov. 8. I wonder what Coach Mike Dunleavy thinks of having players who're going to play hooky so they can pay homage to a website whose main accomplishments are inspiring weeks of Mel Gibson jokes and filling the Internets with more images of Paris Hilton than one planet can possibly need and graphically demonstrating what a jerk Brandon Davis is - well, and for letting us know that Brandon Davis exists in the first place.

ABC News has a website offering information, etc., “found on militant Islamist websites that are often used by al Qaeda and its sympathizers, insurgent groups in Iraq and other groups for propaganda, recruiting and communication purposes.�

Place your bets: How long before the NSA pays a visit to whoever’s compiling that page?

Not five minutes after receiving notice that the previous blog entry got this comment:

"Studio 60 was just greenlighted for three more scripts, so its not quite dead just yet."

(Which is true, although as the Washington Post's Lisa de Moreas points out, "An order for three more scripts can be a death sentence. ... Don't break out the bubbly on any series just because it got an order for more scripts. By now the networks are announcing that they've ordered "the back nine" episodes on new shows. Ordering more scripts is damning with faint praise.")

... I read this story insisting that, in fact, it is dead. But the writer, Roger Friedman, only cites "insiders," with no actual quotes, includes the caveat that it's "likely" the show will be dumped, and has an obvious axe to grind with the show, noting he dislikes it: "No one cares whether or not the people from the Bartlett White House puts on a comedy show. That's what 'Studio 60' is, essentially: the 'West Wing' annual talent show. There's so much earnestness involved in this endeavour, you start to think that nuclear war will be declared if the 'Studio 60' staff doesn't air some joke—usually one we don't hear anyway."

Ouch. Not that he's wrong, but it sort of sounds like he's trying to drown the show in shallow bathwater singlehandedly.

The New York Times discovers today what we’ve been saying for quite some time now (and, in fact, warned in The Daily News’ Fall-TV preview in September – alas, the main story no longer seems to be online, so you’ll just have to take our word for this or, heaven forbid, pore through earlier posts here): There were too many serialized dramas on the networks’ schedules this season.

Though the network executives and the shows’ stars largely insisted to critics over the summer that if a show was good, viewers would watch regardless of the commitment required of them (Fox’s Peter Liguori was the lone network president to cop to some jitters), the new mantra is this, per NBC Entertainment president Kevin Reilly: “The message we received was that people have strains on their lives. People are saying, ‘I’ve got my handful of shows like this, and I don’t want more.’ �

Let’s examine the body count:

* “Smith� (CBS): Cancelled.
* “Runaway (The CW): Cancelled.
* “Kidnapped� (NBC): Ordered to wrap things up in 13 episodes and consigned to Saturdays.
* “Six Degrees� (ABC): Squandering away a whopping 60 percent of its lead-in, “Grey’s Anatomy,� whose doctors should put this thing on life support.
* “The Nine� (ABC): Losing half its “Lost� lead-in.
* “Vanished� (Fox): Consigned to Fridays.
* Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip� (NBC): From 13+ million viewers for its debut, down to 7.7.
* “Friday Night Lights� (NBC): A veritable non-starter. NBC will see if there’s any life in it by trying it “Studio 60’s� timeslot on Monday.

Certainly, there have been successes: NBC’s “Heroes� is proving addictive to viewers, and CBS’s “Jericho� and ABC’s “Brothers & Sisters� have been picked up for the full season, as well. ABC’s “Ugly Betty,� the season’s biggest success story, ironically enough tends toward stand-alone episodes even though it’s actually based on a telenovela. (Perhaps that's one of the reasons for its success.)

Apparently, members of the Television Critics Association could program the broadcast networks at least as effectively as those who actually do the job. And, boy, is that a scary thought.

Ironic fun fact behind the li'l dustup between the Dixie Chicks and NBC, which issued a statement that it "cannot accept" commercials for the new documentary "Shut Up and Sing" "as they are disparaging to the President" (has anyone at NBC gotten wind of what Keith Olbermann's up to over on MSNBC?): In 2002, the group shot a concert film for the network at Oscar's home, the Kodak Theatre, promoting their album "Home."

That, even though I'm pretty sure one of the songs on the album was entitled, "We're Also Ashamed of Jeff Zucker." As I recall, lead singer Natalie Maines spoke in subsequent interviews of how difficult the song was to write without a rhyming dictionary.

The CW also reported told the film's distributor that it did "not have appropriate programming in which to schedule this spot," like that's stopped them from running commercials for any other product.

Bill O'Reilly returned to "Late Show with David Letterman" Friday night, after his previous notorious appearance. Billo (as Keith Olbermann likes to call him; of course, Olbermann likes to call him "Bill Orally" and a host of other things even less flattering) was on his best behavior; it was Letterman who kept pouncing and O'Reilly who kept deflecting his insults with surprisingly good-natured responses like, "This whole thing is a big act. We're friends! We go bowling together." Bill even came out with a toy sword and shield symbolizing their previous clash, which Letterman declined to accept as the vaguely amusing goodwill gesture it represented.

Which is not to say O'Reilly was not combative; hell, it's wet-wired into his system. Rather than the War on Christmas, however, this time, the contentious subject was the War in Iraq. "Do you want America to win in Iraq?" Bill demanded of Dave. "It's an easy question."

"It's not an easy question for me because I'm thoughtful," Letterman replied.

Letterman was intent on ending the deaths of Americans, while O'Reilly pointed out that it could be unwise to withdraw American troops from the country because it might allow Iran to take control of the unstable region. At one point, O'Reilly reframed the debate, something at which he's quite artful, but Letterman would have none of it: "You're putting words in my mouth, just the way you put artificial facts in your head."

O'Reilly kept his cool, and Letterman almost became conciliatory - key word, "almost:" "I have no idea what I'm talking about but I think you don't either." Later, he conceded, "If I knew what I was talking about, I'd really have something. I'll take this next guy (his pal, comic Jeff Altman) apart."

Ah, what do you need my description for? You can see it here.

Hosting the Cardinals' World Series victory ceremony, Fox's Jeanne Zelasko declared to the fans of St. Louis: “Let’s give you what you’ve been waiting for: The Commissioner of Baseball!�

I thought the only way you can use the concepts of "waiting for" and "Bud Selig" in the same sentence is if it also includes the word "resign."

And remind me again why the Angels let David Eckstein go?

It was a film festival which required no travel, a film festival which, in fact, you can still attend even though it’s over. The first annual Third Screen Film Festival was conducted online; at a reception Thursday evening at the Museum for TV and Radio, you were offered the chance to watch the films on cell phones, which I couldn’t imagine why you’d want to given that they were also shown on large-ish plasma-screen TVs around the place.

Time then for, yes, your Mayor's favorite pastime, the panel discussion, this one entitled “What Will Be the Killer App in Wireless Entertainment?� Despite the name, I stuck around. Despite bad audio, I stuck around. Despite the first question being about marketing (when a panel begins with a discussion of how to make money off of little cartoons watched on cell phones, appearing on “To Catch a Predator� ceases to sound quite so hellish by comparison; New York Times TV critic Virginia Heffernan, to her credit, dismissed it as something “I don’t think about�), I stuck around. Despite a too-long discourse about what Lonelygirl15 means to the planet that missed what seemed a key point (could viral videos that aren’t actually viral videos but marketing ploys – Lonelygirl15 was made by people with CAA agents – end up torpedoing their overall popularity?) and ended with Chris Gore of Film Threat marveling, “It amazes me, the kind of crap that gets a million hits,� I stuck around. Despite phrases like “It’s about finding something that works,� “Rethink the concept of entertainment,� “So many places for people to get their content,� “Content is king,� and so many others (for such a nascent technology, it sure has inspired a lot of clichés already), I stuck around. Despite the fact that the most honest statement made was “Why do people need content on their phone? The answer is, they don’t� (this courtesy Daniel Tibbets of GoTV), I stuck around. Despite the fact that a lot of time could've been saved had someone merely quoted William Goldman's "Nobody knows anything" and called it an evening, I stuck around.

So what finally induced me to leave? Well, they were bound to run out of Merlot sometime.

In a move that will surprise or sadden absolutely no one, NBC has placed "20 Good Years" - which starred John Lithgow operating at 20 good decibels above anyone else on TV - on hiatus. And on Nov. 30, the network will introduce a new bloc of Sorta-See Thursday comedies: "Earl"/"Office"/"Scrubs"/"30 Rock." The Wednesday timeslot vacated by "30 Rock"/"20 Years" will be filled with a clutter of specials (including that Madonna thing) and repeats.

And check out the last two words of this quote from NBC's Kevin Reilly in today's Variety: "But (only) some of these shows are gonna get the chance to keep on going. I have to look at '20 Good Years,' 'Friday Night Lights' and, frankly, 'Studio 60.'"

Today’s Press Release of the Day is very special. It announces a merger of Marvel Comics – that of the one-time bad-boy, cool-ish persona, amongst young geeks, at least – and the daytime soap opera “Guiding Light,� which cheerfully bills itself as TV’s longest-running series. And no; I know what you’re thinking, but why would even I make this up?

Next Wednesday’s episode, just in time for Halloween to be over and people not to be so geared up about adults posing as superheroes, is entitled "She's a Marvel," and, per the press release, “focuses on mild mannered and harried cop, mother and wife Harley Davidson Cooper, played by Beth Ehlers. Zapped by an electrical current, Cooper finds herself infused with the energy, and is able to channel it, giving her the powers of a superhero – levitation and electricity conduction. How will her new powers affect her life?� How, indeed, beyond forcing Ms. Ehlers into participating in some low-rent special effects?

CBS doesn’t explain how this storyline will tuck neatly into all the usual furtive bed-hopping and back-stabbing that are staples of morning serials. But it’s interesting that the release only refers to one episode, and soap storylines play out for months. Perhaps Thursday’s episode will have the mild-mannered and harried Ms. Davidson Cooper awaking to discover it was all a bad dream and chuckling, embarrassed, to herself: What could she possibly have been thinking?

But, no! Several of Marvel’s titles will include the storyline, again, per the press release, “featuring some of Marvel's mightiest heroes (and villains) who will descend on 'Guiding Lights'' city of Springfield to determine if this new super powered being is friend or foe.� One of the comics to incorporate this staggeringly innovative narrative is - again, no kidding - “Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane,� a title that would’ve had far different implications when I was a kid in the’70s and likely wouldn’t’ve been approved by the Comics Code Authority. (It wouldn't have been particularly interesting, either, with Spidey too baked to slug it out with villains, just sitting on his couch in his apartment and staring at and being weirded out by his costume.)

"Joining forces with Marvel is such a natural fit for us because comic books and soap operas have so much in common," says a guy in the press release who’s clearly fooling no one. He goes on to say most of the rest of this: "Both feature long-running characters and larger-than-life stories that appeal to a loyal and passionate and sub-literate fan base.�

As visionary as this team-up may be, I’m certain all of Television is looking forward to “Guiding Lights� joining forces with online fan slash fiction and Marvel’s impending deal with Depends adult diapers, where all the superheroes incorporate the product into their Lycra costumes.

To hear Garry Trudeau tell it, there’s a very simple reason “Doonesbury� has lived to celebrate today, the 37th anniversary of its first appearance in print (oddly enough, the comic strip’s website shows the vanity of an aging starlet, copping only to a 35th anniversary): Aging, old-school newspaper publishers - who disliked or simply didn't get Trudeau's sensibility - dropping dead in droves through the ’70s.

“These guys said, ‘“Doonesbury� will run in my paper over my dead body,’ and sure enough, they got their wish,� Trudeau deadpanned in a Wednesday evening UCLA Live event at Royce Hall. Incoming, younger publishers were anxious to add his strip, he added.

Given how notoriously press-shy Trudeau is (he once had to cancel an interview with Time magazine after the prospect of it made him literally sick to his stomach), it’s sort of amazing he took to the stage, alone – and then spoke for 90 self-deprecating minutes – at all. (He did sit for a recent Washington Post interview, however.)

But he’s a fine, engaging and amusing public speaker. He began with a few potshots at Madonna and the crucifix routine from her latest concert tour, which given how big and easy the target was were pretty funny nonetheless. Next in line for potshots was his own generation: He noted a recent survey of Baby Boomers found that for them, “old� meant age 80, two years older than the average life expectancy; “So,� he concluded, “‘dead’ is the new ‘old.’�

From there, he spoke about the early days and evolution of the strip, showing clips from extracurricular activities he’s participated in such as the ’70s NBC special and the seminal ’80s HBO series “Tanner ’88.� And he spoke at length and poignantly about the inspiration for his ongoing, controversial-in-some-circles storyline featuring series regular B.D.’s losing his leg in the war in Iraq (he admitted to briefly considering killing B.D. off), and about his own visits to VA hospitals and how surprisingly upbeat they have been. Trudeau recently started a blog, “The Sandbox,� in which American troops in Iraq and Afghanistan are invited to share their experiences. The soldiers’ email addresses are included should you wish to correspond (or commiserate) with them.

He then took questions, and I am grateful to report that there was only one audience member bold enough to reveal how egregiously stupid and self-involved she was.

Here, however, is the strange thing: Yes, “Doonesbury� is 37, but it’s still a comic strip and, last I checked, comic strips were supposed to be read by younger audiences. Your Mayor is no spring chicken, but he was actually one of the younger people in attendance, with what seemed to be a vast majority of attendees old enough to be his parents. At an event on a college campus.

So: Either young people don’t read newspapers (OK, we all knew that one) or the comic strip once aimed at ’70s hipsters now has a fan base comprised of septuagenarians. What a long, strange trip it’s been, indeed.

Saw an ad recently for upcoming concerts at the Wiltern LG, and one show screamed: "DANE COOK'S TOURGASM." Which was the title, you might recall, of an HBO series/home movie featuring Cook and his buddies on a cross-country comedy tour that might've entertained in an I-like-anything-Dane-Cook's-in-even-this-dammit kind of way. Below that logo were the names of the other comics, in a much smaller typeface.

And below that, in an even tinier typeface, one for which magnifying glasses were invented, was an asterisk, followed by this:

Dane Cook will not be appearing on this show.

Nor will anyone who actually reads the fine print.

* Dane Cook will not be appearing in this item.

A reader writes in responding to today’s report on failing high-profile shows and NBC’s retreat from scripted programming in the 8 p.m. hour:

I don't see the recent announcement by NBC as some sort of death knell for broadcast TV. I think today's technology and production values can produce some very interesting programs that still don't cost the vast sums that the dramatic and comedy series do. Also I don't think Desi Arnaz, as smart as he was, foresaw the longevity of "I Love Lucy". He did the show on film because there was no video tape and he didn't want to do the show live which was the norm then. If it had been live they would have had to do it twice for both coasts. He filmed it so they could just do it once and he had to come up with a technique to film it in front of a live audience using three cameras and then a special editing machine to put the separate films together. Too bad he didn't opt for color too. In any event Desilu made their money based on one run and summer reruns, something that can't happen today.

What are your thoughts? Will smart minds figure out how to be clever and entertaining on shoestring budgets? Or is TV in trouble?

Forget the recent failures on the global front of teams USA in baseball and basketball: America ranks 53rd when it comes to freedom of the press, sliding from No. 17 just four years ago. That’s behind Bosnia and Herzogovina, Trinidad and Tobago, Germany, Italy, the Czech Republic, El Salvador and South Africa. Oh, well, at least we’re tied with Botswana and Tonga.

Actually, this suggests a surprisingly uncanny strategy when it comes to the war on terror. Our Administration, convinced “the terrorists hate our freedom,� have instituted warrantless wiretapping, scuttled Habeas Corpus, scrapped Article III of the Geneva convention and run ads insisting that terrorists will kill you if you don’t vote Republican.

Look, Mr. Terrorists: No freedom here. Why don’t you go take a look at the Netherlands?

but I need to steal the Mayor's publicity machine for a few minutes.

In case you missed the post from a few days ago, the Mayor of Television is prepared to host his first press conference - in podcast format. The Mayor will launch his new podcast next week, and he wants questions from you, the people of Television.

Post questions in the comment section below, then come back here next week - and every week - to listen to the Mayor's podcast.

Do you watch TV? If so, you may qualify for an exciting government job!

The Baltimore Sun reports that the National Security Agency has run an ad campaign seeking recruits on shows like “Lost� and “CSI.�

According to the Sun, the commercials are designed to appeal to the gaming generation:

“Describing Lost as a television variation on ‘Dungeons and Dragons,’ CIA veteran Ron Marks said its viewers are exactly the ones the NSA should be recruiting. ‘What a wonderful way of reaching an audience that's interested in problem-solving and thinking differently,’ he said.�

I know I certainly would want to place national security in the hands of couch potatoes with plenty of time on their hands to patiently sit through all of “Lost’s� obfuscations. Would they be issued real guns? Hope not; guns’d be reserved for the people they recruit through “24� and “The Unit.� And those guns would likely not require safeties.

But other government agencies should follow the NSA’s lead and recruit viewers of other shows for their departments. A few ideas (and feel free to add your own):

The Environmental Protection Agency: “Jackass.� Its viewers already have a keen knowledge of waste materials.

The Office of Management and Budget: “Numb3rs.� And they can start playing yowling guitar music in their offices to make solving math problems look really cool.

The Centers for Disease Control: “House.� Actually, rather than the viewers, they should just recruit House.

The Federal Judiciary: “Shark.� “Justice,� not so much, since that show’s mainly about freeing the accused.

The Government Accountability Office: Actually, is this still up and running? Is there any accountability in government anymore? For that matter, is there any accountability in television anymore?

The House of Representatives: “Jackass,� again.

And fans of “According to Jim,� “’Til Death,� “My Name is Earl,� “The King of Queens� and “The Simpsons� would all be naturals for FEMA, as they already have an affinity for bumbling oafs.

“With every answer come more questions,� declared the promo for next week’s episode of “Heroes� at the conclusion of Monday’s installment. While I’m not sure that’s the best way to tout the show – isn’t that how “Lost� hacked off a sizable chunk of its fan base? – I do know this: “Save the cheerleader; save the world� is a brilliant tag line.

If for all the wrong reasons.

Anyway, tonight’s episode of “Heroes� certainly inspired a bunch of questions. To wit:

Can’t someone convince Milo Ventimiglia to cut or at least comb his hair? Or is brushing his bangs out of his eyes what passes for his nervous character development? Clearly, the thing he did with his eyes tonight suggests he doesn't really need them.

Wouldn’t Hiro (Masi Oka) have learned from that comic book predicting his future not to win so much money at poker from the casino goons?

Likewise, wouldn’t the mind-reading cop (Greg Grunberg) have known not to trust Mr. Spectacles? And if he’s gonna have a romantic evening with his wife, couldn’t he at least have shaved for it?

Couldn’t they have come up with better backstories for the female heroes than “stripper� (Ali Larter) and “cheerleader� (Hayden Panettiere)?

Aren’t some of the artist’s (Santiago Cabrera) depictions of the future maddeningly vague?

Was it just me or were there about 10 commercial breaks littered throughout the episode? Is that what happens when a show becomes a hit? Next week, will they announce: “We’ll return to the commercials after another two and a half minutes of ‘Heroes’?�

And, pursuing that point: Wouldn’t anyone who has the wherewithal to purchase a Lexus already be vaguely adept at parallel parking?

Still, “Heroes� is progressing acceptably, particularly now that they’re giving Adrian Pasdar scenes worthy of the chops he demonstrated in the short-lived Fox series “Profit.� It’s doing an OK job of mixing and matching its disparate characters, if occasionally in a fashion that requires the old trope of “willful suspension of disbelief.� But if there’s a show that demands a willful suspension of disbelief, it’s “Heroes,� and so far, it’s rewarding those willing to make that leap.

Then, against my better judgment, I hung around for “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,� which continues to be hellbent to utterly alienate Middle America. Tonight continued its condescension toward Midwestern audiences – one of the characters (Nathan Corddry) grew up in Ohio, where apparently his parents never heard of Abbott and Costello’s famous “Who’s on First?� routine. Your Mayor grew up in the Midwest, and his father was a huge fan of Abbott and Costello and knows quite a bit about many of Golden-Age radio and TV performers. Honest, Mr. Sorkin: They’re not all rubes out there; many of them have a keen appreciation of the entertainment industry’s past.

Which was an overriding theme in Monday’s show, which attempted to vacuum pathos out of a blacklisted writer. While it’s true that many in the TV industry today have absolutely no appreciation for the history of the business that’s signing their lucrative checks, and while it’s honorable that Aaron Sorkin felt the need to right that wrong, tonight’s installment felt schematic, synthetic and preachy in a way that early “West Wing� episodes didn’t. These points can be made in an actually entertaining and not overly earnest fashion.

Too bad: The episode once again featured brilliant work from Matthew Perry (once this show is cancelled, someone needs to immediately cook up for him an equally wryly flawed character), and gave D.L. Hughley a couple scenes in which to shine, whether or not they were actually accomplishedly written. And, again, though while filling in a lot of character development for many of the principals, the episode’s overall thrust – most of it was set at a wrap party – provided further alienation from the rest of the real world that merely watches television and isn’t given the opportunity to mingle with glamour, bimbos or some combination thereof.

Perhaps the most fascinating aspect of tonight's episode: the notion that traffic on Sunset Boulevard late on a Friday night would move apace without anything approaching utter gridlock.

Lucky, lucky Fox. The network, which has always quietly considered its postseason baseball coverage a momentum-stalling albatross around the neck of its fall-season launch, got stuck with a match-up that doesn’t exactly lure in the casual fans for boffo ratings, Tommy Lasorda’s antic promotions notwithstanding. Detroit/St. Louis, two sturdy midmarket teams from what the coasts call Flyover Country with few superstars (Pujols and Pudge, and then debate what you mean by superstar).

Good teams, to be sure, but Fox obviously would be hoping for Yankees-Anybody or, failing that, Mets-A’s – get the whole country involved. Saturday’s audience was less that 12 million, down significantly from last year’s Game One.

Well, now we have a compelling narrative affixed to the Series: the controversy surrounding the wad of brown gunk on Detroit pitcher Kenny Rogers’ hand.

No wonder Rogers hates sports cameramen.

There are differing accounts and conspiracy theories about what it was: Rogers insists it was “a big clump of dirt� that he didn’t even notice was there, though as ESPN’s John Kruk later pointed out, how do you not notice something like that, particularly a pitcher, whose pitching hand is a highly calibrated instrument? And if it was just some dirt, why didn’t it completely rinse away when Rogers washed his hands? (Rogers said no one told him to; his own manager disputes that.) According to reports, Fox says it has images from other games showing shmegma on Roger’s pitching hand. And, of course, Rogers was equally dominating after he washed his hands.

So which is this: The heartening, inspirational turnaround for a 41-year-old pitcher whose previous postseason work was journeymanlike at best, or sinister forces conspiring to create one of the most astonishing October performances in history? So Joe Buck and Tim McCarver have all the conversational fodder they need for the next few games, while not-so-secretly praying that neither team sweeps while in St. Louis: Getting to Game Six in Detroit with Rogers back on the mound will ensure a huge audience.

Time’s Jamie Poniewozik offers an inventive salve for what’s ailing NBC. Since the network no longer seems to want to spend money on scripted programming in the 8 p.m. hour of primetime, and since its newscast featuring Brian Williams is the most successful amongst the networks, why not put it in primetime, where even more people would have a chance to see it?

Poniewozik concedes there are more than a few kinks to work out in his idea, but notes: “ABC, CBS and NBC have a half-hour in the evening they can't get enough people to watch, and an hour at night they can't afford to fill. … The networks weren't going to give their news divisions an hour each night as long as prime time was still, well, prime. But now that it's been devalued, the time may be right to ask again: why not kill two birds with one stone--or, rather, try to cure two dying birds with one operation?�

This, of course, would prevent NBC from acting on its dream of a Howie Mandel-dominated primetime schedule cluttered with suitcase-brandishing models and excitable contestants possessing no discernible intellectual prowess. But a Mayor can dream, can’t he?

A California Republican who apparently has not versed himself assiduously enough in First Amendment law wants to yank CNN reporters from the military units with which they’re embedded in Iraq.

Duncan Hunter, offended that CNN aired footage of an insurgent sniper shooting at American troops, wrote Donald Rumsfeld, who has bigger things on his plate right now than censoring war coverage, that “CNN has now served as the publicist for an enemy propaganda film featuring the killing of an American soldier.�

OK, if you don’t want your constituents to see graphic footage of people being shot, maybe you don’t vote to authorize the war in the first place. But Hunter’s “this is propaganda and CNN is the terrorist’s publicity machine� logic utterly eludes me: Viewers see an insurgent shoot an American soldier, and all of a sudden they’ll become sympathetic to them? What kind of Bizarro World thinking is that? Does Hunter truly believe that viewers automatically side with whoever is depicted engaging in a show of force? It seems to me such reportage gives Americans a better sense of the difficulties our troops are confronting there, and therefore a greater appreciation of their courage and sacrifice. And perhaps – and this may be what concerns Duncan – a sense of protectiveness toward them and a renewed desire to take them out of harm’s way as the news remains bleak out of Iraq.

Anyway, last I checked, the purpose of journalism was to strive to convey all sides of a story, and perhaps it might be valuable for Americans to understand the enemy they face in Iraq. But here’s a proposed compromise: Every so often, CNN promises to air a half-hour show, “Duncan Hunter’s Happy-Time Fun News,� in which all is going swimmingly well in Iraq and the insurgents aren’t permitted any point-of-view beyond frothing-at-the-mouth menace and everyone is all big resolute smiles like in those swelling, patriotically themed pickup truck commercials and Duncan Hunter is the greatest, bravest, strongest and smartest Congressman in the World. And then, that out of the way, they get back to news for the rest of us.

Being a man of distinguished letters, your Mayor received his first issue of The New York Review of Books in the mail this week. (Hey, the newsprint alone probably costs them more than what I’m forking out.)

It contains a long and interesting essay on Colin Powell’s efforts to rehabilitate his once-sterling reputation; a piece by Joyce Carol Oates who apparently has plenty of downtime while cranking out a book or two a year and therefore takes a sweeping look at Margaret Atwood’s canon; a nice review of a Jimmy Stewart biography that somehow neglects to observe that I interviewed the man twice; an appreciation of William Gass, an author I’ve personally found easier to appreciate than to actually read; a review of a Colson Whitehead novel that I read months ago (true, the review is vastly more insightful than mine, but at least mine was timely); something to depress you about Iran and the usual America-is-bad-for-your-health roundelays.

Heady stuff, to be sure. So after assiduously working my way through much of this material, I arrive at the back of the magazine and discover that it has suddenly transformed itself into the classified-ads section of the L.A. Weekly. To wit:

“EROTIC CONVERSATIONS with sensual, intelligent woman, any topic welcome. Visa/MC/AmEx.�

“EROTIC, INTELLIGENT, IMAGINATIVE CONVERSATION. Uninhibited exploration of your sexual fantasies. Discretion assured.�

“INDULGE IN A FETISH SESSION with discreet lady in the privacy of her fully equipped London Knightsbridge apartment.�

“EROTIC EXPLOSION. Let me blow your mind, your ultimate erogenous zone. Provocative talk with educated beauty. No limits.�

“TANTRIC PAMPERING BY MATURE BEAUTY. Private, elegant, East Side suite.�

And so on. Apparently, the stereotype is true: Bookish types are in no way equipped to deal with, as they say, “the ladies.�

In a way, one should be impressed by the way these advertisements (please: Read the word after the British fashion: ad-VERT-iss-ments) strive to emphasize their elitist natures over their more obviously brazenly salacious appeals to lonely if intellectually accomplished guys who just feel the need to, well, you know. On the other hand, the pretense feels utterly fake. What are these women going to say to their ostensibly erudite clients, anyway: “Oh, I’m Madame Bovary, feel free to ravish me, you scoundrel!� Trashy advertising may be, indeed, trashy, but at least it’s more honest.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a pressing appointment with Lady Darlington.

Stephen Colbert is auctioning off the painting of him standing in front of another painting of him that has proudly graced the set of "The Colbert Report" for the past year. It can be yours, but you're gonna need at least nine grand to even be competitive. (Where were these moneybags when I was trying to unload my Elvis Pressley lamp?)

Proceeds go to charity, or so the auction page suggests. But if I know Colbert (and I don't), he'll find a way to pocket the cash. Auction ends Oct. 30.

For an upcoming podcast - I know, I know, just what the world needs: another podcast - your Mayor will answer your questions. (If he knows the answers - what am I saying? Of course he'll know the answers.)

Ask anything, about any show, any network, any of your Mayor's policies, how he plans to combat the blight of reality programming that NBC is developing for its arsenal, what he's wearing, how you can get a hat like the one Napoleon wore, would you really want a doctor like House, do we really need Daylight Savings Time, is there a God, what is true happiness, how in a world gripped by fear and peril one finds the will to press on, Tigers or Cardinals (well, I'll answer that one here: Tigers), crystal meth or Pepsi One, what's Madonna thinking anyway, shouldn't I be getting out more, anything.

Leave your queries here. My people will get around to forcing me to do the podcast soon, so time is of the essence. But then, time is always of the essence.

… mainly by pink-slipping them.

Nonetheless, Your Mayor has had a most engaging, if utterly fictitious, conversation with Mr. Zucker, who defended his positions involving laying off 750 NBC employees and ratcheting up the number of reality- and game shows his network will be airing in the future.

Remember, Mr. Zucker is the man who took NBC from the No. 1 powerhouse it used to be to the network that relied upon shows such as “Fear Factor� and “The Apprentice� (on Must-See Thursdays, no less), and still managed to get lucrative promotions. So, clearly, one must be careful in one’s questioning of Mr. Zucker, whose stellar ascendance can only be compared to characters in sundry “Omen� movies.

Q: How do you justify erasing scripted shows from your schedule in the 8 o’clock hour?

Zucker: I've had an uplifting and heartwarming conversation with fellow citizens of all ages from across our country who are supporting our shows. These folks don't really care about politics; what they care about is how best to send a strong message to the men and women who wear our uniform that America supports “Studio 60� and “Friday Night Lights.�

Q: Um, again: How do you justify erasing scripted shows from your schedule in the 8 o’clock hour?

Zucker: And I want to thank you all for coming, and I appreciate what you're doing. Defaker.com was a website where our employees could help until we yanked it. You can become a part of a group and find out ways that you can support our men and women in uniform. These are brave, courageous people who deserve the full support of the American citizenry.

Q: NBC’s methods regarding how the network will divine quality scripted series from trashy reality shows remains unclear. Can you provide some enlightenment for Television’s Concerned Citizens?

Zucker: We cannot discuss the specific methods that our intelligence agents use to question reality-show producers because doing so would help the terrorists train against our techniques. What I can say is that the interrogation program has been extremely successful, and it has directly helped us to capture many showrunners pitching “Deal or No Deal� rip-offs and to disrupt future plots involving “According to Jim� writers. In addition, I want to assure you that while our interrogation methods may be tough, they are carefully reviewed to ensure that they are safe and that they are lawful. NBC does not engage in torture, except in cases in which it does. We impose these restrictions on ourselves not out of any expectation that Fox or ABC would show similar restraint—indeed, other networks torture and behead their captives, and air the results before we can on “To Catch a Predator� episodes of “Dateline: NBC.� We do reaffirm our respect for our values and the standards of civilized networks, only because it sounds good and, if we didn’t, the liberal media would be all over our asses.

Q: You have been assailed for embracing unscripted programming even as ABC and Fox have been profiting off of it. But the Land of Television needs to alleviate the fears of its viewers that its programming will be tasteful.

Zucker: I agree with you that we are safest when we are able to capture game-show showrunners and disrupt their plots before they get onto the air. New laws allow our military and intelligence personnel to detain and remove reality-show producers from the battlefields of this conflict, and to collect from them the vital intelligence that will enable us to capture their associates and break up future terrorist plots and figure out how they’re in league with Jim Belushi. Once we capture them, the new law provides for effective and fair procedures that will allow us to bring those terrorists to justice for their crimes against United States citizens.

Q: The United States has defended itself successfully for 230 years without resorting to "alternative means" of interrogation, which is the term the Mayor of Television used to describe what this law does. Why is this law necessary now, versus the many other wars we have successfully fought without it?

Zucker: The War on Unscripted Programming is a new kind of war, which we are fighting against a new kind of enemy. Our enemies here do not fight on behalf of a nation state, they do not seek to meet us on the battlefield, and they recognize no principles of international law. Rather, our enemies seek to avoid direct confrontation with our military, hiding in the shadows, until they can strike out at civilians around the world by uncorking a show like “1 Vs. 100.� And while, philosophically, I embrace this mindset, political correctness insists I take a vaguely brusque swing at it.

Q: What legal recourse does an innocent suspect have under the new legislation? Specifically, I am deeply concerned about what would happen if someone less honorable than the current Mayor of Television chose to use the new laws for unlawful purposes, such as punishing political opponents or those who would allow Flavor Flav to continue to have reality shows. Without the right to legal council, habeas corpus, or trial under US criminal law, how would a falsely accused "suspect" defend themselves and gain their freedom?

Zucker: I want to make one thing clear: The Television Commissions Act does not apply to American citizens. Of course, we also must be concerned about the rights of even those who would produce reality programming. NBC has no wish to detain anyone who is not a terrorist or an enemy combatant, and both the Television Commissions Act, and our existing laws, provide those individuals with the opportunity to demonstrate their innocence before military tribunals and independent federal courts.

Q: If this law is enacted then a person designated as unlawful enemy combatant does not have the right to challenge their imprisonment nor do they have the right to a speedy trial. They can be held indefinitely even if they were an American citizen. If you, Mr. Zucker, were arrested and classified as an unlawful enemy combatant and you were an innocent person, what course of action would you take?

Zucker: Again, I want to emphasize that the Television Commissions Act does not apply to financially successful citizens. Thus, if I or any other wealthy American citizen were detained, we would have access to the full panoply of rights that we enjoyed before the law, not to mention we’d have lobbyists who would get us released, no questions asked.

Q: Why is it necessary to suspend the writ of habeas corpus as part of the Military Tribunal Act? I take writ of habeas corpus to mean a legal proceeding in which an individual held in custody can challenge the propriety of that custody under the law. Isn't this writ intended to allow prisoners to challenge a potential mistake in their detainment? When you look back, years from now, will you be proud of this?

Zucker: I am very proud of the Television Commissions Act of 2006, and every American should share that pride. To explain why, allow me first to clear up some widely held misconceptions.

First, the new law should not be understood to "suspend" the writ of habeas corpus for enemy combatants. Habeas corpus is a civilian remedy, and civilians count for sh!t in the world of TV. All of us are in Television are too successful to care about actual human beings. Thus, every American should be proud of the Television Commissions Act of 2006. Future generations will look back and commend us for recognizing the threat of prime-time game shows and taking every possible step-consistent with American values and the rule of law-to defeat it.

We're certain that this post of outtakes of our interview with James Woods had something to do with it. That, or the fact that the Daily News didn't run the "Shark" story two days ago.

Whatever my direct involvement might have been, CBS has picked up Woods' "Shark" for the full season. It edged "ER" last night and joins NBC's "Heroes," CBS's "Jericho" and ABC's "Ugly Betty" and "Whiners & Self-Pitiers" - er, sorry, "Brothers & Sisters" - among new shows to survive at least 22 episodes.

That's the "Shark;" here's the chum, though merely mentioning it brings it more attention than it no doubt deserves: "Runaway" has entered the history books by becoming the first show to ever be cancelled by the powerhouse network The CW. It was the lowest-rated broadcast network show from its premiere, clinging with a fierce tenacity to that position for the couple of weeks it was roundly ignored on the air. Damn! Now we'll never know if the guy ever cleared his name and his family quit having to be on the lam and the kids managed satisfying social lives while living utter lies.

While waiting for all that great new reality and game-show programming NBC has promised us in the future, here's a little brain teaser:

NBC has two struggling programs, "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" and "Friday Night Lights."

"Studio 60" launched fairly strongly, but has stumbled significantly since then. It was created by Aaron Sorkin, who's responsible for the long-running NBC hit "The West Wing," and stars Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford and Steven Weber, who have all appeared on phenomenally successful NBC shows.

"Friday Night Lights" stumbled out of the gate. Its EP is Peter Berg and its star is Kyle Chandler, both of whom appeared on CBS dramas.

Question: Which of these shows will NBC throw under the bus first?

Wrong!

On Monday, Oct. 30, NBC will pre-empt "Studio 60" and in its place run an episode of "Friday Night Lights." Hoping, apparently, that it will draw the same young audience that is swarming to "Heroes."

Your Mayor has warned that detractors of our grand landscape, such as this critic, who apparently considers himself a minor-league Keith Olbermann, only serve to provide solace to our enemies, and today, the gravest possible proof was provided as a threat to Television’s vitality was exposed. NBC announced today that it planned to work in league with the renegades producing reality television and primetime game shows and will abandon scripted programming in its 8 p.m. timeslots across its schedule.

That, and they’re laying off 700 loyal employees.

Oh, and that they hope to eviscerate their news division with deep budget cuts.

One sort of have to wonder about a network that all but announces, “Ah, this TV thing is a passing fad. We’re throwing in the towel and will stick to short films on the Internets.�

Then again, you do have to feel for NBC. They began the 2006-07 season with a stable of slick, not-unpromising new series – well, and “20 Good Years� – and high hopes. And look at the results:

* “Kidnapped:� Good cast, good reviews; couldn’t buy an audience; shipped to Saturdays where it will pass on unnoticed.

* “Friday Night Lights:� Ecstatic reviews, even lower ratings.

* “30 Rock:� Mixed reviews; rampant viewer disinterest.

* “20 Good Years:� Nearly beaten in viewership last night by a show on Bravo.

* And, of course, “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip:� Tons of advance attention, given its impressive cast and impresario of a creator; has shed nearly half its original audience within a month and, worse, got beat this week by “What About Brian.� The performance of this Matthew Perry vehicle is almost enough to get NBC executives nostalgic about "Joey."

Clearly, the success of “Heroes� has not been enough to rescue NBC, which has seen its cheesefest game shows “Deal or No Deal� and “1 Vs. 100� pull far more spectacular numbers than its pricy, high-end series. It’s like having Ford Aspires outperform a fleet of Lexuses (Lexi?).

And so, NBC – whose slogan was, a lifetime ago, “The Quality Shows� – has become the Ford Aspire Network. The network will soon fill its 8 p.m. timeslots with cheap-to-produce and no doubt intellectually stimulating reality fare and more game shows that require the same sort of mental prowess required to select a suitcase in “Deal or No Deal.�

But one wonders whether NBC, which apparently has been shocked by the revelation that programming a broadcast network is an expensive proposition, has gone far enough in its budget-slashing ways. Here are a few more ideas for the network to save some money:

* Those suitcase models on “Deal or No Deal� no doubt are paid something; wouldn’t it be cheaper for the show to hire cute dogs? Of course, that would necessitate the creation of a craft-services table (the models obviously aren’t eating anything), but then again, it would just have to be stocked with kibble.

* While we’re at it, those suitcases look pretty pricey. Couldn’t they just use paper bags that Howie Mandel and the show’s crew bring from home after their visits to Trader Joe’s?

* Much less costly show: “1 Vs. 3.�

* Force any cast member of “The Office� not directly involved in a scene to perform actual clerical work for the network in the backgrounds of shots.

* Get Masi Oka’s character on “Heroes� – who can bend the time-space continuum – to bring time to a halt, then sneak into Nielsen family homes and switch the channels to NBC.

* End ongoing production of “Law & Order� shows and just run repeats. There’re so many episodes out there, how many people would notice, really?

* New 9 p.m. Tuesday series: “What’s on Fox?� New 9 p.m. Thursday series: “What’s on ABC?�

* Ask President Bush to pretty-please end the war in Iraq, citing a need to put an end to costly coverage. Or just borrow a page from “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart’s� playbook and have correspondents report in front of greenscreens. Or just have Brian Williams read the newspaper to viewers.

* Hire amateurs to write and star in “Saturday Night Live.� Couldn’t get any worse.

Don't get too attached to "Friday Night Lights:" It's collapsed to a mere 6.6m viewers. Perhaps it'll join "Kidnapped" on Saturday nights, and NBC can tout the evening as the broadcast equivalent of the Island of Misfit Toys.

Don't get too attached to "Help Me Help You," either: It fritters away half of its massive "Dancing with the Stars" lead-in audience, from 23.1m at 9 p.m. to 10.9m when Ted Danson appears to dispense dubious advice at 9:30.

Speaking of "Dancing with the Stars," would the people from the infotainment programs cluttering my email inbox with breathless reports of what the nanny of a "celebrity" most of us hadn't heard of until she appeared on this show has to say about these salacious and ugly divorce proceedings please direct your attentions to the Mayor of Country Music or the Mayor of Unemployed Republican Fundraisers? Because I, for one, do not care and will not bring myself to care no matter how many emails you send me. My "delete" button, however, appreciates the workout.

Meanwhile, while the women of "Gilmore Girls" remain young and vital, the show itself is showing its age. It's lost more than a million viewers from last season, and when you consider it was only being watched by about 6 million people last season, that's not encouraging, unless you're "Friday Night Lights," in which case you can actually point to a TV show you beat in the ratings. But while "Girls" isn't going wild, The CW will no doubt trumpet the fact that "Veronica Mars" has improved ever so slightly - 190,000 viewers, to be precise - from last season. And The CW will take its good news where it can find it.

Attention all YouTube contributors: Judges for The George Foster Peabody Awards, heretofore TV's most prestigious award, want you to pester them for one of their trophies. "Original broadcast, cablecast and webcast programs presented in 2006 are eligible," their press release reads, so that means you.

Give them an avalanche of entries so overwhelming their eyes'll be bloodshot for months. I'm pretty sure if Aleksey Vayner - which seems misspelled and grammatically incorrect simultaneously; shouldn't it be "more vain?" - submits his video resume, he'd have to add another page to his 11-page resume including his Peabody victory.

Apply online here. Entry deadline January 17, 2007.

James Woods is an interviewer’s best friend. When I spoke to Woods recently for today’s Daily News story on “Shark� (link to come), I could’ve essentially turned on my tape recorder, left Woods’ trailer and returned later to find he had filled my tape with bon mots.

(UPDATE: One of the privileges of holding such a high position of power such as Mayor is that you can place so many lackeys between you and those who report to you that you virtually create a buffer zone preventing you from hearing what's actually going on in the world. And so it goes here, as I was told "Shark" would appear in the Oct. 18 Daily News. Instead, the paper ran a cover story on a movie which over this past weekend lured a mere 260 or so ticket-buyers to each of the 179 theaters at which it played rather than "Shark," which averages 14 million viewers a week.

Ah, well. Perhaps this will make you hungry to read more whenever the story runs.)

Here’re a few of his comments that didn’t make it into the story:

On gossip around another popular show:

“A very high source told me on a show involving some very high-profile women that literally they had to stop shooting one day because one of the trailers was 18 inches closer to the set than someone else’s trailer, and that once a day they have to alternate whose trailer is closest to the set.�

On his description at imdb.com, which reads: “Leanly built, strangely handsome, with intense eyes and a sometimes untrustworthy grin.�

“That’s really nicely put. I really love that. Whoever wrote that’s a f@&^in’ poet. Robert Frost wrote my description at imdb.com – I like the whole concept. That’s a very accurate description, as a persona – it has nothing to do with me as a person. But as an onscreen persona, I’d say that’s a pretty accurate description. What kind of handsome am I?�

“Strangely handsome.�

“I guess.� To his dog, Angel: “You’re strangely handsome and your face is covered with hair.�

Abandoning film for TV:

“I look at movies and they’re all so f@&^ing terrible. People ask, ‘Why aren’t movies more successful?’ It’s really a simple answer: It’s because they stink. Three simple words: Because they f@&^ing stink. That’s four words, but you can’t write the f@&^ing word. They stink, they stink, they stink, what’s wrong with you? They stink. Do better movies. … Finally, I saw a good movie – ‘The Departed.� And look what it took: It took Marty Scorsese, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jack Nicholson, (screenwriter) Bill Monahan – and it’s based on another movie.�

On the support he has received since the recent death of his brother, Michael:

“You cannot explain it to anyone else; there’s just no way to explain it. But yet – people are so deeply lovely in their support. The other day I got flowers from Virginia Madsen, with a note that said, ‘I’m glad you and your brother got to take that last trip.’ What a great thing, how considerate – I know Virginia just very casually, the way people in the business know each other. And her show (“Smith�) just got cancelled, so in her troubles, she’s sending me flowers – how nice is she? It’s a perfect example of how lovely people have been.�

On his show’s success:

“I like to use the metaphor of my buddy Dan Tana. At his (restaurant’s) 40th anniversary, somebody asked me, ‘Why do you think his restaurant’s successful?’ I said, ‘It’s really very simple. He serves good food and it’s a comfortable place to stick your ass while you’re eating it.’ It’s not rocket science. You know these places: You go in and there’s some froufrou guy has fixed everything and they spent five million dollars on the f@&^ing chandeliers and you’re eating some crap on a plate with a bunch of swirly crap on it. If they give you steak, French fries and a f@&^in’ booth, they’ll be in business for a hundred years. You think some guy wants to sit perched on a little wooden chair eating a sliver of somebody’s liver?�

And, honestly, that last quote did in fact comment on his show: How it’s a meat-and-potatoes program that makes the viewer feel comfortable. See?

Like any number of politicians or their apparatchiks, good, bad, possibly well-meaning but potentially misguided or even far, far worse, your Mayor fancies himself quite the wordsmith, and has in recent years been tinkering off and on (mainly off) with a novel.

It is – or was – a comic picaresque in which some 190 million Americans (and millions more the world over) are felled by a militarized virus created by terrorists, told from the point of view of a few baked couch potatoes in Wyoming, who while away the post-Apocalypse watching cable news networks who simply can’t help themselves: They strive (miserably) to try to find happy-news segments behind the calamity and continue to trot out partisan talking heads to bicker over the increasingly erratic behavior of government officials.

One character contributes gamely to The New York Times’ follow-up to its post-9/11 “Portraits in Grief� series, attempting to commemorate the millions of dead in brief, glib thumbnail biographies: “James ‘Jimmy’ Picket sure did like his model train sets….� But mainly, things grow more dire for the world as our toasted protagonists sit listlessly, mocking the bloviating blowhards on the television before them (a character notes that the disaster cuts the anti-drum-machine bumper-sticker campaign off at its knees).

Eventually, President Armitage “Army� Shanks (been to Europe? You might get the joke), citing the “safety� of all surviving Americans, orders them into “security camps.� Roused from their stupor, our “heroes� try to escape to Canada, but, really, the game is up.

So much for that. Today, reality trumped my little cautionary tale. Perhaps for my next novel, I’ll just hack out a winsome coming-of-age tale or, per Gingrich and Boxer, a slightly smutty political thriller.

"Everybody Hates Chris" is easily the series most egregiously wounded by the compression of The WB and UPN into The CW. Last season, it averaged about 5 million viewers on Thursday nights, a pretty impressive stat given how competitive that night is. Last night, the first night of original programming since The CW flopped its Sunday and Monday lineups, it garnered a mere 3 million -- and that was actually a mild improvement on how it was doing on Sundays.

That switch didn't prove to be the panacea The CW was hoping for: Its comedies received only a nominal bump from their ratings opposite "Sunday Night Football" and "60 Minutes," while "Seventh Heaven" and "Runaway" got absolutely rolled on Sunday. (As miserably as all these shows are doing, they actually did a smidgen better the other way around.) Simply put, The CW doesn't have any shows that can go up against the big guns of Sunday night (UPN, in its decade of existence, never programmed the evening; The WB did, though hardly with encouraging results).

Greg Hernandez offers a trenchant look at The CW's woes in today's Daily News. Key quote: "It's like two poor people getting married: Once they get married, they're still poor."

In other news: Last night, ABC's "What About Brian" - a show that did so poorly last season no one could figure out why ABC returned it to the schedule (except for the fact that not doing so would've meant the network went 0-for-2005/06 in new programming) - actually beat "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." This is starting to get ugly.

Just as President Bush is having difficulties maintaining a sense of decorum and decency in Iraq, so too is your Mayor finding it arduous work keeping the primetime broadcast schedule a place of meaningful and peaceable discourse. Not only did NBC's "1 Vs. 100" do well, but now ABC, in perhaps the most aberrant act of civil disobedience since putting "According to Jim" on the air, has renewed "Brothers & Sisters" for the entirety of the 2006-07 season.

ABC Entertainment president Stephen McPherson, in a statement that's as effusive with praise as it is canned, enthused, “‘Brothers & Sisters’ is a great addition to our Sunday night lineup and has given us a strong complement to ‘Desperate Housewives.'" This, after it managed to hold onto about 60% of its "DH" lead-in last night.

The good news is viewers will still be treated to the spectacle of Calista Flockhart awkwardly name-dropping a conservative icon week in and week out. The bad news is they'll have to watch a largely gifted cast trade quips that couldn't sound less convincing were they to come from the hazy-eyed slatterns in an American Apparel ad.

Who relates to these characters, anyway? I was discussing this in an emergency meeting with the Ministry of Aesthetics and we agreed that the drama couldn't be any less interesting if, at the end of every episode, a different character each week proclaimed, "Well, despite this unhappy turn of events, at least Congress voted another tax cut for the wealthy, so we'll be OK." Or, "Well, at least we saved our own skins by laying off a bunch of working-class grunts from the family business." Or, "Calista, will you quit mooning over Dennis Hastert and help us finish preparing the quiche?"

... or, in other words, ratings news.

Viewers in the land of Television are not making it any easier for your Mayor to protect them from game shows aimed at subliterates. NBC's Friday combo of "Deal or No Deal" and its latest moronorama, "1 Vs. 100" led it to a win on the evening. Let's imagine, briefly, that you're NBC Entertainment president Kevin Reilly. Let's say you worked really hard and spent scads of money to develop slick, quality programming like "Kidnapped," "Friday Night Lights" and "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." Let's say you look at the overnights and see "1 Vs. 100" easily surpassed all of those shows in the ratings. Question: How much of your hair do you tear out?

Meanwhile, on Sunday, ABC's ratings press release was very circumspect in the details it parsed out. For example, ABC was very proud of the fact that "Desperate Housewives" had 20 million viewers, On the other hand, it neglected to mention just how many viewers its following show, "Brothers & Sisters," lured, mentioning only it won in certain demographic areas such as women 18-34. (To be fair, it was also No. 1 in the 18-49 demographic: It boasted that it was 14% ahead of CBS, while CBS, in its own press release, noted that "Without a Trace" -- which actually had more viewers than "B&S" with nearly 14m -- was .2 of a ratings point behind ABC in viewers aged 18-49.)

So ABC makes it sound like they thumped CBS, while CBS makes ABC's win seem negligible, and ABC thoughtfully neglected to mention that "B&S" hemmorhaged viewers from its "Desperate" lead-in. And I wonder why you people hate ratings numbers so much. For what it's worth, CBS won the night handily thanks to a football overrun.

Finally: A new Adult Swim cartoon eschewing crummy visuals and lazy, random narratives. On the other hand, there is the title: "Frisky Dingo;" your guess is as good as mine.

"Frisky Dingo" comes from "Sealab 2021" creators Matt Thompson and Adam Reed. In the first episode, we meet Killface, a pretty unpleasant character whose plans to destroy Earth would be a little more fearsome if his publicity team had a big enough budget to let the world know about its impending doom. Next week, we meet Xander Crews, aka Awesome X, an arrogant billionaire superhero/womanizer who's mainly interested in marketing his Awesome X action figure. But for it to sell, he's told, he needs a supervillain counterpart to market, as well. Good thing Killface is out there.

"Frisky Dingo" is corporate malfeasance in lycra and leather, Enron with fireballs and dismembered bodies. Oh, and comedy. When not plotting to destroy or save the world, the characters are immersed in minutiae like employee insurance and 401-K's. The visuals are stylishly rotoscoped, so unlike "Squidbillies" and "12 Oz. Mouse" and all that other stuff, it doesn't look like it was torn from the notebook of an 8-year-old. Still, no clue as to what's up with that title.

"Frisky Dingo:" Sunday at 12:30 a.m. (well, technically, that's Monday) on Adult Swim/Cartoon Network.

Isaiah Washington and Patrick Dempsey may not have gone so far as to put up their dukes on the set of "Grey's Anatomy" this week, but the dust-up between "GA" and "CSI" is certainly evolving into a fierce heavyweight match, with both shows swapping victories round by round. This week, "Grey" triumphed by a slender margin, 22.8m to 21.6m viewers.

ABC's "Ugly Betty" is officially a keeper, chipping away at "Survivor's" longtime dominance; it had 13.8m viewers to "Survivor's" still-solid-but-diminishing 15.75m. But the wheels come off for ABC at 10 p.m., where "Six Degrees"' path to six viewers proceeds apace. This week, it managed to retain a mere 41 percent of its "GA" lead-in. By contrast, "Shark's" doing pretty well for CBS: 14.1 million viewers, almost even with "ER."

So "Betty" and "Shark," like NBC's "Heroes" and CBS's "Jericho" before them, should soon receive full-season pickups.

(UPDATE: In fact, ABC this afternoon announced it has given "Betty" a full season.)

Speaking of "Heroes," NBC has opted to run a mini-marathon of the series on Oct. 22, when "Sunday Night Football" will cede the sports airwaves to Game 2 of the World Series. NBC had been considering running some "Friday Night Lights" episodes to sate football fans, but the show's low ratings have apparently torpedoed that strategy.

If found, please call J.J. Abrams or ABC.

"Lost" still won its time slot, but just by a sliver - CBS's "Criminal Minds" was a mere 180,000 viewers behind - and, worse, that signifies a loss, just like last week, of more than 5 million viewers from last season, nearly a quarter of its audience. Apparently, there is an extent to which a show can jerk its fans around before they opt to go elsewhere. All current and former "Lost" viewers: How hacked off are you at the show?

And ABC's "The Nine," in its second week, was pulling an "Invasion," losing half its lead-in, with 8.4 million viewers. Seems to me I recall a lot of TV critics wondering over the summer whether the glut of serialized shows would cannibalize one another and all those high-paid network executives telling them they didn't know what they were talking about.

CBS's feel-good apocalypse serial "Jericho" remains strong, however, with 11 million viewers last night.

Meanwhile, NBC's woes proceed apace, with "30 Rock" and "20 Good Years" numerically underwhelming: 8.25 and 7 million viewers, respectively. There aren't enough cheesy game shows or predators to catch in all the world to patch the myriad holes in NBC's lineup. It's forcing NBC to bring "Medium" off its bench sooner than it expected - it'll return Wednesday at 10 p.m. mid-November.

As much as the news networks are questioning whether the late New York Yankee Cory Lidle should’ve been reconnoitering over Manhattan’s airspace, Lidle, in all his interviews on the subject, was right: Flying a plane is an utterly exhilarating experience. I only did it once, two decades back, but the memory remains vivid to this day.

I did it in my early 20s in Texas, as part of a fairly inexpensive Learning Annex course. There was an evening spent in armchairs discussing a whole lot of (for me, at least) intellectually insurmountable physics, which I can’t vouch that many in the class paid a whole lot of attention to, but it was followed by what everyone paid their money for: the chance to sit in a small plane’s cockpit for 45 minutes and traverse Dallas/Arlington/Fort Worth’s airspace.

My instructor was in charge of the plane, obviously, but once we were in the air (back then, at least, you manipulated your vessel on the ground with your feet, not with your steering wheel, which was vaguely disorienting while taxiing the runway), he relinquished control of the plane to me for some of the most purely fun minutes of my life. Soaring over the local traffic, the inevitable gridlock, while drinking in what was a gorgeous view of even the dreary Texas flatlands – the Dallas skyline looming ahead of us; Texas Stadium and Six Flags beneath us – well, it literally puts you on top of your world. My instructor even cut our plane’s engines for a brief time, putting us in a mild free-fall; it felt like the safest daredevil stunt you could ever attempt. Ostensibly putting your life on the line, you were as safe and as feeling as comfortable as nominal “danger� could ever make you feel. Soaring over Manhattan, as Lidle was, would be even more breathtaking.

In the ’80s, a mere two grand could garner one a pilot’s license, but I was cash-strapped at the time and couldn’t even make that commitment. Once I could afford it, the price had elevated exponentially, so yet again I couldn’t afford it. Funny, that; yet just as well: Who needs me blithely fluttering about the skies of L.A.? Well, OK; since John Denver is gone, at least you’d be guaranteed no dogfights.

Cable-news network coverage of the single-engine plane crash on New York's Upper-East Side this afternoon seemed to find CNN a bit slow on the uptake. Fox News Channel had been reporting that two people had died in the accident for at least a half an hour while CNN still had the number at one dead; even the New York Times' website reported that New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle was one of those who perished before CNN got around to confirming that fact.

Instead, CNN obsessed on the fact that NORAD had dispatched fighter jets over a number of American cities even though officials were insisting the tragedy was not terrorism-related. For a while, there was a little roundelay between CNN anchors, as a female anchor kept correcting her male co-anchor's missteps.

On MSNBC, it was noted that just a month ago, The New York Times had profiled Lidle and his passion for flying. Keith Olbermann noted that Lidle had pitched in the Yankees' final game of the season, in which the Detroit Tigers sent them home, beating them in the American League Division Series on Saturday 8-3. Olbermann was polite enough to neglect mentioning that Lidle gave up 3 runs in 1 1/3 innings of work. Olbermann then pointed out to host Tucker Carlson the eerie echoes of the Yankees' loss of catcher and team captain Thurman Munson in 1979; Carlson later betrayed his lack of sports savvy by referring to Munson as a "player-coach."

While CNN and MSNBC continued to follow the story, despite the presence of little breaking news, Fox News began reporting other news of the day around 3 p.m. PCT.

Fox is desperately attempting to resurrect its threadbare melodrama "The O.C.," which returns Nov. 2 - it sent critics the first four episodes of its new season (Fox wasn't nearly so anxious for critics to get such a distinct sense of any of its new shows this season; given how that crop is doing, perhaps the network was wise to withhold multiple episodes for review). And they thoughtfully included a bottle of something called "The O.C. for Her," a - well, perfume seems too misleading a word; scent, perhaps? No: Eau de Toilette. Emphasis you know where.

Press Release of the Day touts said, um, fragrance, which, it declares, "capture(s) the glamorous and seductive lifestyle of this Newport Beach community." It then goes into a rapturous description of the subtle nuances of the smelly water, launching into the sort of detail a semiotics professor would reserve for Proust:

"Top Notes: Juicy mandarin combines with exuberant florals to lend 'The O.C. for Her' a delighfully fruity, floral aura that also has a modern, refreshingly classic side.
"Middle Notes: Hibiscus, tuberose, jasmine, freesia and fruity accents of white peach, guava and nectarine make it light and ideal for all day, yet sultry like a summer night's kiss.
"Base Notes: A rich foundation of white amber, sweet vanilla and clear musk make anyone feel beautiful, confident and daringly female."

Well, if you say so. Who writes this stuff?

The copy also moons over the bottle -- seriously, the bottle, a simple rectangular piece of glass unremarkable in the canon of perfumeries. But no: "A vibrantly colored glass bottle accented with a metallic stylized cap reflects the energetic spirit of today's design and fashion trends. Edgy dancing waves and tattoo-like floral vines depict a seductive, carefree day in Southern California."

Who am I to argue? But I will report that at great personal danger, your Mayor did spritz a bit of this into a barely controlled environment, and you know all that stuff they said above? Not so much. It smells more like a sickly sweet energy beverage, carbonation included. But it's not as bad as one imagines a whiff of Mischa Barton and her boyfriend might be like in her fashion portfolio over on Go Fug Yourself.

Nonetheless, this apparently has the folks over at "CSI" (which is on opposite "O.C.") concerned, because in their effort to remain fresh and girly-smelling, they've cast Roger Daltrey for an upcoming episode (guess K-Fed wasn't available to reprise his beloved role as "Young Tough"). Daltry's band The Who, of course, provides the main-title music for all "CSI" shows; he will appear in what the network describes as "a surprise role that will keep viewers guessing" (translation: The part hasn't been written yet).

Speaking (sort of) of the turgid aroma of man musk, stick a fork in NBC's "Friday Night Lights:" In its second outing, it lost nearly a million viewers from its already underwhelming premiere numbers.

... is that it gives satirists plenty of material to work with. Until, of course, they're safely locked up to protect the rest of us.

While we’ve all been obsessed with the Mark Foley scandal – which, let’s face it, really isn’t particularly sexy; in fact, it’s pretty icky, so why are we so obsessed with it? – Congress has ingeniously eviscerated the Constitution. The recently passed Military Commissions Act erases 900 years of the concept of innocent until proven guilty, and so much more.

An example: Let’s say you disagree with Your Mayor and think “Men in Trees� is a good show, and that you have the temerity to state this aloud. I could have you put away forever for your obvious blasphemy. Bully for me. You, you're probably not so happy.

So how have our TV Friends – knowing that, under this bill, they could easily be labeled “enemy combatants� and be silenced forever, no questions asked – responded?

“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart� first took a look at this notion: Plagues, loss of freedom – it’s all in the same ballpark.

Then, last night, Keith Olbermann wondered why the concept of habeas corpus hates America; he cheekily pointed out that the Military Commissions Act reduces America’s Bill of Rights to a single Bill of Right.

Finally, Monty Python’s Terry Jones – who, living in England, resides outside the purview of the bill (wimp!) – still manages to mock the freedom of those who wish to bar the gates of freedom.

There may be positives outside of turbo-loading comics with cannon fodder, but so far, this will have to do. Almost certainly, that Robin Williams movie "Man of the Year" will be equally hard-hitting in its approach to the issues of the day.

Here are a few of the things William Shatner has agreed to appear in in recent months (aside from his Emmy-winning role on "Boston Legal," that is):

TV Land's "William Shatner in Concert"
History Channel's "How William Shatner Changed the World"
Comedy Central's "Roast of William Shatner"
"The Fourth Annual TV Land Awards: A Celebration of Classic Television"
Comedy Central's "Last Laugh '05" (playing Satan, not himself) and "Last Laugh '04"
"Free Enterprise 2"
Spike TV's "Invasion Iowa"
Comedy Central's "Merry F#%$in' Christmas"
Voices in the animated films "Over the Hedge," "The Wild" and "Li'l Pimp" and the TV series "Atomic Betty" and the video game "Star Trek: Legacy"
"HypaSpace"
Commercials for an online travel service
A commercial for a satellite-TV service
"Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous"
"Mama Knows Best: A Retrospective - 'Big Bad Mama' Special Edition DVD"
"Biography: Heather Locklear"

All this - and much, much more - in the past two years. And now, he's going to host a new ABC prime-time game show, "Show Me the Money," which will replace one of the network's failed new series (place your bets: "Six Degrees?" "Men in Trees?" "Sons & Daughters?"). You can just imagine how over-the-top he's going to be on that.

Bill, Bill, Bill: You're 75 years old. You've had a long and distinguished -- er, you've had a long career. You're an icon. OK, we get it: You have a sense of humor about yourself and your campier predilections. Kudos to you.

But again: You're 75. You must have more than enough money. Why don't you enjoy it? And spare us that avalanche of kitsch you've been raining down upon us?

Besides, everyone knows any game show entitled "Show Me the Money" is rightfully Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s. Particularly given where his career is right now.

Based on last night's ratings and an early sampling of comments on last night's episode of "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," the toe tag for Aaron Sorkin's new series may be coming sooner rather than later.

It managed a weak 8.76 million viewers, albeit some who are fairly disgruntled. One reader points out that by episode four of the series, Sorkin has been reduced to cribbing a plagiarism storyline straight out of former "SNL" cast member Jay Mohr's memoir. How ironic is that? (Your Mayor doesn't know whether to be impressed by his constituent's commanding memory or disturbed that he actually read Jay Mohr's memoir.) The other comments were even less kind - though one reader will likely win a network job for his idea of merging NBC's two "SNL"-related series into a reality competition show - and "Studio 60" last night barely beat the premiere of ABC's "What About Brian," which was a non-starter last season; both were trounced by "CSI: Miami," which lured 18 million viewers.

The good news for NBC comes from "Heroes:" 13.3 million viewers, and No. 1 in the 18-49 demographic beloved by advertisers. CBS won the night, though, and switching "How I Met Your Mother" and "The Class" worked, with the latter boosting its viewership from 8 million last week to 10 million last night. "2.5 Men" enjoyed a healthy 17.1 million viewers, a sizable audience even by its standards.

Moving The CW's comedy bloc to Monday worked OK, as their ratings were a smidgen better than they are on Sunday night, and Monday's episodes were all repeats.

Hence, the Mayor declares a self-imposed moratorium on "Studio 60" until it's cancelled or placed on "hiatus" (final observation: The relationship between Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford's characters was what made the show work, initially; they scarcely had any scenes together last night). You, however, should feel free to kick it while it's down to your sadistic delight. Or - and this is how open-minded we are around these parts - even defend it.

Tonight's where they lost all of Middle America. It was all about stuff that only showbiz insiders (and perhaps not even them) care about: Plagiarism, magazine profiles, executive gossip. Even the storyline that mainstream viewers might care about - starstruck lovers - was couched in Hollywood terms: How do extremely attractive celebrities cope with the dissolution of a relationship? And all America already knows the answer to that one: They start dating other extremely attractive celebrities.

The best bits on tonight's broadcast came from the "30 Rock" promo, where Alec Baldwin menacingly disapproved of the fact that he's not starring on the show created by Aaron Sorkin starring Amanda Peet. Now, that fact should make him grateful.

Requisite particulars: A show sketch is discovered not to have been written by the staff, but by a stand-up comic a decade back. (Mayhem results; the resolution might resonate with .05 percent of assembled viewers.) A magazine writer (played by executive producer Thomas Schlamme's wife Christine Lahti) - her readers are more important than the show's viewers, we're told, thereby alienating actual viewers all the more - is forced by Jordan (Peet) upon Danny (Bradley Whitford) and Matt (Matthew Perry) as a ubiquitous fly on the wall (only an idiot can't see where this is going). The tortured romance between Matt and Harriet (Sarah Paulson) continues apace, equal parts contrived (when will these nutty kids just call a truce and kiss and make up, already?) and blinkered (their escalation towards reconciliation and/or all-out war makes very little sense). Jordan's past threatens to surface (really - does anyone in America really care about the personal lives of network executives?).

Hence: Still smart, still sublimely performed ... but who cares? Most abject Hollywood follies come from really dumb ideas idiotically executed. "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" scarcely falls within that rubric; nontheless, it boasts that other X Factor of big-time failures - hubris. Sorkin's sorely convinced that audiences can relate to these characters, who are utter fantasy to the masses but accutely personal to him. He hasn't made their travails remotely relatable. The show has lost a huge chunk of its initial audience, and this wasn't the episode that's gonna lure them back.

Good thing whoever's running brilliantbutcancelled.com's fall-series deathwatch isn't actually taking cash bets on the odds they've tossed up. Because the website lays odds for "Friday Night Lights"' getting an early ax at 137:1. "Friday Night Lights" debuted to spectacularly poor numbers.

Likewise, "Ugly Betty" has relatively low 19:1 odds of getting a quick cancellation; it's the season's breakout hit. "Jericho" follows at 22:1; behind it are shows doing far worse than it: "Standoff," "Justice," "Brothers & Sisters," "Runaway," "'Til Death," "Six Degrees," etc.

Brilliant but Cancelled comes courtesy Bravo, which is owned by NBC-Universal, which explains why no NBC shows are listed amongst those most expected to tank soon. (The closest: "30 Rock," at 110:1 odds. Touchingly delusionally, "20 Good Years" is given some of the best odds for success, with its cancellation given spectacularly unrealistic 251:1 odds.)

(And yes, I know the sweepstakes were for the first show to be cancelled, and that "Smith" has already taken home the prize. But still: Someone just cooked up the idea, then put forward no effort on the actual execution, kind of like NBC's "Defaker" site plugging "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." And "Friday Night Lights" could still get cancelled after fewer episodes than "Smith," which got yanked after three airings.)

Though it was scheduled at the last possible second, announced in advance to nobody and loaded with fabricated questions, our First Official Online Chat with The Mayor of Television was an unqualified success.

Thousands of fans from across the globe were alleged to have participated, and the queries were uniformly provocative and informative. Perhaps we’ll do one with actual people in the future. Herewith, the transcription.

YOUR MAYOR: Hi, everybody; so happy to be here. I’m excited to take all your questions, so feel free to fire away. Anyone?

(10 minutes of dead silence later)

YOUR MAYOR: Anyone? (surreptitiously) Hans, plan B!

(8 seconds later)

SARAJEVO, BOSNIA/HERZEGOVINA: Mr. Mayor, after a decade of subjugation and devastation, let me tell you how happy we are to be able to attend to superficial celebrity concerns once again! And we thank you for your invaluable contributions of VHS copies of old “Jake and the Fatman� episodes during the NATO occupation!

My question is, who was that vixen who played “Pinky� Tuscadero, the luscious vamp who stole Fonzie’s heart, on “Happy Days?�

THE MAYOR: Roz Kelly is the talented actress in question. Her distinguished career also includes appearances on the uproariously bawdy game show “Match Game� and appearances on such beloved series as “Fantasy Island,� “Love Boat,� “Starsky and Hutch� and “Baretta.� The perennial charmer was also, according to imdb.com, arrested in 1998 for shooting up cars and a neighbor’s apartment after a car alarm went off in the early morning and woke her up, but who amongst us have not felt such violent urges upon being awakened and discovering we reside in Southern California?

PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC: Mr. Mayor, I’m a fan so fawning that I’m almost obviously a construct of your corrupt administration. My question is: I love, love, LOVE “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,� particularly that dreamy Timothy Busfield. Please tell me it will be returning for many seasons to come!

YOUR MAYOR: "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" is unofficially a failure: 9 million viewers on Monday, down from 13.4 million in its debut, not quite a slide of Katie Couric proportions but close. But NBC has worse nightmares to consider, so it might play out the string for this season at least. Thanks for writing!

KEOKUK, IOWA: Hi, Mayor; longtime fan, first-time questioner. I harbor a profoundly unhealthy amount of affection for Eva Longoria and am really upset that the media really seem to be overlooking her, particularly all the magazines. Please tell me we’ll be seeing a lot more of her this season, if you know what I mean, and if you don’t, please don’t send this missive to the Congressional Oversight Committee.

THE MAYOR: Keokuk, while Eva may or may not be nursing a broken heart – the gossip-munity is busily conjecturing on her relationship with hunkily ineffective San Antonio Spurs point guard Tony Parker – she's definitely nursing some bruised ribs. But while she slipped on a step while emerging from her trailer, you’ll see the luscious and conniving Gabrielle in all her erotic glory this season on “Desperate Housewives.� I hear one storyline involves a blender and some amyl nitrite.

MIAMI, FL: Even though "Smith" has been cancelled, why doesn't CBS run the episodes it must already have in the can instead of reruns of other shows?

THE MAYOR: Because no one will watch them.

DARFUR: Just a quick question before we must flee our hut to avoid massacre: Why did the In-Sink-A-Rater people sue NBC for depicting their garbage disposal operating properly on “Heroes?�

MAYOR: The In-Sink-A-Rater people don’t want you to know that if you stick your hand in a garbage disposal unit that is currently in use, said hand will be mangled beyond recognition. Apparently, they want you to learn this on your own.

THE HAGUE: Hi, home of the Permanent Court of International Justice here. We have a couple of questions about just how you’re conducting yourself these days. I mean, honestly, you still allow “Ghost Whisperer� to be inflicted upon your citizens? And “Men in Trees?� “According to Jim� - in week-day syndication?

THE MAYOR: Common Article III of the Geneva Convention says that there will be no outrages upon human dignity. It's very vague. What does that mean, "outrages upon human dignity"?

Thanks for participating, everyone. It was fun.

Watching television requires a lot of commitment of the viewer, in order to divine the intricacies of plot and character motivation. Reading haikus requires almost no effort.

Herewith, we explain for the uninitiated a number of shows in easily digestible, bite-size form. If these explicative poesies appeal to you, you just might be ready for that vital next step in a TV relationship: Actually watching an episode.

“House�

Cranky doctor knows
More than anyone else. But
He still has to limp.

“Grey’s Anatomy�

Docs extract fluids
From one another, kiss-kiss:
Oh, are there patients?

“America’s Next Top Model�

Who do you root for
When anyone worth cheering
Isn’t on the show?

“Lost�

Plane crash, Polar bears,
Hatch, magnetic field, “Others:�
What are they smoking?

“Desperate Housewives�

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
Sleep around, sleep around all
Shampoo, rinse, repeat.

“24�

With gun and lock-pick,
Jack saves the world yet again;
Bullets in all thighs.

“My Name is Earl�

Only a yokel
Would think life can be improved
Through inept good deeds.

“The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric�

She’s perky no more.
She’s sworn to her grave duties:
Read news; show some leg.

“CSI�

Fluoroscopes are used
To locate toenail clippings
And catch the killer.

“CSI: Miami�

Grisly body parts
Strewn through South Beach. Caruso’s
Visage wavers not.

“Deal or No Deal�

Howie Mandel’s bald;
Women brandish briefcases.
How stupid are you?

“Survivor: Cook Islands�

Races are bated
To reveal prejudices:
Nope; Mark Burnett fumes.

“Celebrity Duets�

D-Listers warble;
Little Richard’s conniptions:
Of course it’s cancelled.

“The Unit�

Magisterial
Badasses shoot terrorists.
Their wives fret at home.

“Nip/Tuck�

Into pulchritude
Plastic surgeons slice, to no
Avail. Boy, it’s gay.

“Rescue Me�

Firemen put out fires
In homes yet initiate
Them in women’s beds.

“Dr. Who�

Universe traversed
In a phone booth: Clever? Dumb?
Some combo thereof?

“Two and a Half Men�

One guy is horny;
One guy is so pathetic.
Plus dad and his son.

“Gilmore Girls�

They once spoke in quips;
Now, stammer and bloviate.
This season ends it.

“Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip�

Aaron Sorkin’s smart series
Struggles amidst some titters:
Schadenfreude reigns.

“Ugly Betty�

ABC has a
Funny, stylish Thursday show
Succeeding? End Times.

And please: Feel free to contribute some of your own.

As rumors and conjecture swirl around L.A.'s newspapers, the Fourth Estate's obit was already written a couple of years ago in this piece of speculative flash-animation. (Not to give too much away, but Google ends up just short of injecting microchips in everyone's cerebral cortex.)

A couple of random things I've stumbled upon or been directed to:

What if virtually every album you owned as a kid (or, maybe, that your parents owned when they were kids) began a turf war in their crate? It might look a little something like this.

What if someone had an old hard drive, a bunch of disks and 13 seconds of free time on his hands?

Apparently, CBS's "Smith" reveled too much in his anonymity, because CBS has yanked it. Crime procedural repeats will fill the time slot for the foreseeable future.

Another slick show with big-time movie stars that couldn't buy an audience. And this one was only partially serialized. Network executives are now officially upgrading to "Extreme" anti-perspirants.

More advertising dollars are spent on Thursday primetime than on any other night of the week, and the fierceness of the competition on the evening this season reflects good old American ravenousness for the dollar. And it's a horserace, one ABC stands poised to win in an upset.

ABC's new "Ugly Betty" continued to challenge "Survivor" at 8, though "Survivor" opened the gap a bit in the second week of head-to-head competition, 15.8m to 14.2m viewers. "Grey's Anatomy" regained the 9 p.m. throne over "CSI," 22.4m v. 21.2m viewers. ABC springs a leak at 10, with "Six Degrees" dying by degrees, giving NBC some daylight. "ER," which was beaten by CBS's "Shark" last week, reclaimed the hour, 14.6m v. 13.8v. "Shark's" retention of "CSI" viewers isn't stellar, but as ratings guru Marc Berman points out, they're not dissimilar to "Without a Trace's" first season, and that show seems to have done OK for itself.

Fewer than 10 million watched NBC's "Earl"/"Office" combo and "Deal or No Deal;" fewer than 6 million watched the Dodgers fall limply to the Mets; fewer than 5 million located The CW at random with their remotes.

Well, it’s official: A study at my alma mater finds that “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart� is just as substantive as the network news in delivering information.

Or does that mean that the network news is just as insubstantial in delivering the news as “The Daily Show?�

This sort of struck me the other day when watching Stewart interview James McGreevey, the gay former governor of New Jersey. When McGreevey appeared on “Today,� Matt Lauer devoted much of his time grilling McGreevey on lurid details of his sex life. Stewart, by contrast, ignored that altogether and instead zeroed in on the political machinations amongst McGreevey’s staff members as his scandal was breaking, noting – with McGreevey agreeing – that the contemporary political mindset seemed to consist more of maintaining power via craven damage control than genuine governance. And “The Daily Show� seems more concerned with the government’s recent disinterest in habeas corpus than many in the mainstream media.

Hence: When rumors flew that Les Moonves was considering using Stewart in some fashion on “The CBS Evening News,� perhaps he wasn’t as crazy as those suggestions made him sound. Certainly, he could’ve saved CBS a lot of money by going with Stewart over Katie Couric, whose show is comfortably back in third place in the ratings.

In the premiere episode of “Kidnapped,� Dana Delaney’s character, the mother of an abducted teen, gazes out over Manhattan from her posh penthouse and philosophizes: “Business as usual out there. The ebb and flow of the tides. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Traffic jams, baseball games, a teenager’s first kiss. I don’t understand how it all hasn’t come to a halt, how the world can keep spinning on its axis and not miss one silly revolution for my boy.�

Indeed, and expect a similar cosmic shrug now that NBC is expected to cancel “Kidnapped� at any moment.

(UPDATE: NBC concluded production of the series and moved the show to Saturdays, where no original scripted show not in repeats has run for years. Death by a million paper cuts.)

Not a bad show, but simply a non-starter. The competition wasn’t terribly fierce, though “CSI: NY� does just fine and ABC’s “The Nine� debuted successfully last night, but “Kidnapped’s� lead-in, “The Biggest Loser,� was wholly incompatible. “Kidnapped’s� viewership last night was just slightly better than that of a repeat of the Tuesday debut of “Friday Night Lights,� which was pretty abysmal in its own right.

If a polished show with a cast as impressive as "Kidnapped's" -- Emmy-winner Delaney, Oscar-winner Timothy Hutton, Delroy Lindo and Jeremy Sisto -- barely makes a ripple on the TV landscape, I imagine folks at the networks (and particularly NBC) might be feeling pretty terrified right about now, wondering just what they need to do to lure a fickle audience.

"Justice" lives! The legal drama initially considered dead man walking has been resurrected and will move to Monday at 9 p.m., following "Prison Break," on Oct. 23. "Vanished," which currently occupies the slot, heads to Fridays at 8 p.m., replacing the comatose "Nanny 911." Apparently, Fox will just throw up a test patterns Wednesdays at 9 p.m. opposite "Lost" and "Criminal Minds." That, or "House" repeats.

The CW announced today that it's swapping out its Monday and Sunday lineups effective this Monday. Sunday's evening of comedies -- "Everybody Hates Chris," "All of Us," "Girlfriends" and "The Game" -- will move to Monday, while "Seventh Heaven" and "Runaway" heads to Sunday beginning Oct. 15, where they will follow the "America's Next Top Model" repeat at 7 p.m.

This is a smart move for the network because at least one of the sitcom showrunners was privately grousing that putting the comedies aimed primarily at an African-American audience up against NBC's "Sunday Night Football" didn't leave them with much of an audience. For example, "Everybody Hates Chris" was seen by less than half the viewers it drew when it was on Thursdays last season. And, of course, Monday was where "All of Us" and "Girlfriends" aired on UPN last season.

Those shows have a chance to stick around, unlike "Seventh Heaven," which in retrospect was probably a mistake to bring back in its diminished form, and "Runaway," which was dead in the water from the outset. Up against football, "Desperate Housewives," "Cold Case," Fox's comedies and the strong slate of cable offerings on Sundays, it'll be mildly interesting to see if anyone watches it. We'll soon have the answer to that old philosophical quandary: If you air a weak show on The CW Sundays at 9, does it make a sound?

Wishing to circumvent controversy and provocation, your Mayor has assiduously avoided commenting on the scandal involving Mark Foley, the disgraced Florida Congressman who resigned after his Instant-Message nickname was made public. (Honestly, if the whole world suddenly knew how to contact and badger you online, wouldn’t you want to seek a lower profile? By the way, has anyone tried IM’ing Maf54 lately?)

But, once an impertinent, politically motivated reader attempted to drag me into the scandal, it seemed time to address the Schadenfreude Festival: Even MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough, a former Florida Congressman and avowed friend to Foley, has repeatedly declared the Republicans “dead in the water� for next month's elections over the scandal, even though Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly did what he could do for the home team and tried labeling Foley a Democrat. (Masturgate, as it has been called, has done what Republican lobbying scandals, the NIE report suggesting that the war in Iraq has actually fomented terrorism and sundry reports questioning the White House’s pre-9/11 incuriosity and pre-Iraq disingenuousness, somehow didn’t manage to do: All these other problems affected more lives more grievously (there’s still no proof that Foley actually broke any laws, since “being really creepy� is not, as of yet, actually illegal), yet this apparently affects voters more viscerally, evoking images of a middle-aged man typing on his PC with only one hand.)

This has been covered with gleeful perseverance in particular by Wonkette.com, Washington, D.C.’s sister to L.A.’s Defamer.com. Truth be told, Wonkette’s brain trust has hardly had to earn their paychecks this week – this stuff writes itself and, whatever doesn’t, their readers submit to them. Much of it has been amusing; these dramatic readings of the IM’s are worth a look. And the Daily News even managed to become part of the coverage, thanks to a nicely poetic headline.

Watching the near non-stop coverage is enough to encourage anyone to check into rehab – but only if the treatment center doesn’t have any TVs.

Today's Press Release of the Day begins promisingly: "Mom-to-Be Marcia Cross Speaks Out in TV Guide's 10-9 Issue."

"Speaks out?" What bombshells will she reveal? Is she going to explain the second season of "Desperate Housewives"' creative stumble? Is she going to fess up to the rumored bickering between the show's stars?

Oh, please. Here's the first quote from Cross offered up: "I can't believe my lucky life!"

That, my friends, is hard-hitting entertainment journalism.

As predicted in this spot last week, CBS has in fact switched “The Class� and “How I Met Your Mother� on Mondays. “Mom’s� doing slightly better, building on “Friends on Zoloft’s� increasingly anemic ratings.

Meanwhile, NBC must be wondering how on earth to lure viewers if perfectly good shows can’t manage the feat. “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip� has lost a lot of viewers since debuting, “Kidnapped� is on the verge of cancellation and, last night, its football drama “Friday Night Lights� managed a mere 7.2 million viewers in its premiere. Since NBC’s schedule was announced in May, however, those of us who are paid to have opinions on this sort of thing have pointed out with a wearying regularity that viewers have very little interest in series about showbiz or sports and that the glut of heavily serialized shows like “Kidnapped� spelled doom for a number of them.

Elsewhere, the news continues to be gloomy. ABC’s “Help Me Help You� lost half its lead-in; CBS’s “Smith� is on life-support and the answer to that long-posed question of whether The CW’s “Veronica Mars� can actually locate an audience with “Gilmore Girls� turns out to be: Not so much. The ostensibly compatible show managed to hold on to only 60 percent of its lead-in.

Alas, albeit somewhat predictably, "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" is officially a failure: 9 million viewers on Monday, down from 13.4 million in its debut, not quite a slide of Katie Couric proportions but close. The very tired "Bachelor," featuring an Italian prince that Radar magazine notes "barely speaks enough Italian to order dinner at Olive Garden," had virtually the same number of viewers. "Heroes" did well -- 12.6 million viewers -- but "2.5 Men" and "New/Old Christine" did better; so downgrade "Heroes" from "hit" to mere "success." "Vanished" remains ehh with 6.4 million viewers, while "Runaway" officially became the least-watched new show of the season, with less than 2 million viewers. So, roughly, "Runaway" was watched by everyone in the San Fernando Valley -- and nowhere else in America.

Lessons from Bob Woodward’s “State of Denial:� Future administrations should co-operate with reporters on only two books. Unless they want to be absolutely honest - Ha! Did you see the joke I made?

I've probably already thrown too much attention to the DVD release of season two of "Wonder Showzen," MTV2's extravagantly subversive series that, were all right in the world, would likely not exist. But one additional bit (beyond the aforementioned one that kills off tough-guy "Dave Kronk(e)" for a snicker) in particular merits comment, as it purports to examine Television's use of test screenings.

In it, a foam-puppet character named "Middle America" creates a "Hee-Haw"-style show called "Horse Apples" ("Mr. Show's" David Cross is a cast member), which runs every ugly cliche about the Deep South deep into the ground (when informed that whites may soon be a minority in America, one character wonders, “How’m I gonna pull myself from behind my truck?"). Follow that with a "Beat Kids" segment (children play investigative reporters) in which a cheeky kid named Trevor watches a focus group watch "Horse Apples." They like it; they really, really like it. Afterwards, Trevor asks one of the participants, "Do you think today you helped in some small way to murder culture?"; he responds, "Yeah, maybe. Maybe a little bit."

A jaw-dropping extra features the same folks who gave the thumbs-up to "Horse Apples" being reunited to watch the episode of "Wonder Showzen" on which they appeared. (Virtually every "Wonder Showzen" man-on-the-street interview involves folks who are clueless, humorless and/or angry; one wonders if this is a reflection of the producers' gleefully misanthropic world view or if they really are preternaturally incapable of locating rational individuals.) They absorb the entire production in slack-jawed silence. "These guys look like they’re watching their own colonoscopy," notes Trevor, who editing suggests is being fed lines.

Asked for their responses afterwards, there's a horrible awkward silence. "I thought we looked pretty stupid," one finally replies. Afterwards, the guy who copped to murdering culture proclaims, "I feel myu-nipulated," though he doesn't look too upset about it. Another participant realizes he's been punked and is pretty hacked off. Yet another still doesn't get it, allowing young Trevor to hammer away at him: "What’s the most important thing about your mind?" he asks; the guy responds, "Makes you think a lot." Asked what's on his mind, the guy, struggling, comes up with, variously: "Where you’re driving, what you’re gonna do when you get to work, when you gonna sleep, when you gonna wake up, when you gonna take the dog out, when you gonna take the garbage out, when you gonna leave, when you gonna get there. Walking out the door, going in the elevator, walking down the stairs."

This guy turns up in one of the most bewildering "bonus" extras any DVD has ever offered, in a staring contest with you, the viewer. The cast of “Horse Apples� returns for an entire future episode, one of the most intentionally agonizing things you'll ever have to sit through (memo to "Wonder Showzen's" DVD manufacturers: No need to distribute this to "Middle America"), as well as in yet another of the most bewildering "bonus" extras any DVD has ever offered.

Hence, the question: Is "Wonder Showzen" the meanest, creepiest show ever, merely reflective of a very schizophrenic period in our culture or some combination thereof? We report; you decide.