David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. Graphic telenovela
Today’s Press Release of the Day is very special. It announces a merger of Marvel Comics – that of the one-time bad-boy, cool-ish persona, amongst young geeks, at least – and the daytime soap opera “Guiding Light,� which cheerfully bills itself as TV’s longest-running series. And no; I know what you’re thinking, but why would even I make this up?
Next Wednesday’s episode, just in time for Halloween to be over and people not to be so geared up about adults posing as superheroes, is entitled "She's a Marvel," and, per the press release, “focuses on mild mannered and harried cop, mother and wife Harley Davidson Cooper, played by Beth Ehlers. Zapped by an electrical current, Cooper finds herself infused with the energy, and is able to channel it, giving her the powers of a superhero – levitation and electricity conduction. How will her new powers affect her life?� How, indeed, beyond forcing Ms. Ehlers into participating in some low-rent special effects?
CBS doesn’t explain how this storyline will tuck neatly into all the usual furtive bed-hopping and back-stabbing that are staples of morning serials. But it’s interesting that the release only refers to one episode, and soap storylines play out for months. Perhaps Thursday’s episode will have the mild-mannered and harried Ms. Davidson Cooper awaking to discover it was all a bad dream and chuckling, embarrassed, to herself: What could she possibly have been thinking?
But, no! Several of Marvel’s titles will include the storyline, again, per the press release, “featuring some of Marvel's mightiest heroes (and villains) who will descend on 'Guiding Lights'' city of Springfield to determine if this new super powered being is friend or foe.� One of the comics to incorporate this staggeringly innovative narrative is - again, no kidding - “Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane,� a title that would’ve had far different implications when I was a kid in the’70s and likely wouldn’t’ve been approved by the Comics Code Authority. (It wouldn't have been particularly interesting, either, with Spidey too baked to slug it out with villains, just sitting on his couch in his apartment and staring at and being weirded out by his costume.)
"Joining forces with Marvel is such a natural fit for us because comic books and soap operas have so much in common," says a guy in the press release who’s clearly fooling no one. He goes on to say most of the rest of this: "Both feature long-running characters and larger-than-life stories that appeal to a loyal and passionate and sub-literate fan base.�
As visionary as this team-up may be, I’m certain all of Television is looking forward to “Guiding Lights� joining forces with online fan slash fiction and Marvel’s impending deal with Depends adult diapers, where all the superheroes incorporate the product into their Lycra costumes.