David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. TV Haikus
Watching television requires a lot of commitment of the viewer, in order to divine the intricacies of plot and character motivation. Reading haikus requires almost no effort.
Herewith, we explain for the uninitiated a number of shows in easily digestible, bite-size form. If these explicative poesies appeal to you, you just might be ready for that vital next step in a TV relationship: Actually watching an episode.
“House�
Cranky doctor knows
More than anyone else. But
He still has to limp.
“Grey’s Anatomy�
Docs extract fluids
From one another, kiss-kiss:
Oh, are there patients?
“America’s Next Top Model�
Who do you root for
When anyone worth cheering
Isn’t on the show?
“Lost�
Plane crash, Polar bears,
Hatch, magnetic field, “Others:�
What are they smoking?
“Desperate Housewives�
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
Sleep around, sleep around all
Shampoo, rinse, repeat.
“24�
With gun and lock-pick,
Jack saves the world yet again;
Bullets in all thighs.
“My Name is Earl�
Only a yokel
Would think life can be improved
Through inept good deeds.
“The CBS Evening News with Katie Couric�
She’s perky no more.
She’s sworn to her grave duties:
Read news; show some leg.
“CSI�
Fluoroscopes are used
To locate toenail clippings
And catch the killer.
“CSI: Miami�
Grisly body parts
Strewn through South Beach. Caruso’s
Visage wavers not.
“Deal or No Deal�
Howie Mandel’s bald;
Women brandish briefcases.
How stupid are you?
“Survivor: Cook Islands�
Races are bated
To reveal prejudices:
Nope; Mark Burnett fumes.
“Celebrity Duets�
D-Listers warble;
Little Richard’s conniptions:
Of course it’s cancelled.
“The Unit�
Magisterial
Badasses shoot terrorists.
Their wives fret at home.
“Nip/Tuck�
Into pulchritude
Plastic surgeons slice, to no
Avail. Boy, it’s gay.
“Rescue Me�
Firemen put out fires
In homes yet initiate
Them in women’s beds.
“Dr. Who�
Universe traversed
In a phone booth: Clever? Dumb?
Some combo thereof?
“Two and a Half Men�
One guy is horny;
One guy is so pathetic.
Plus dad and his son.
“Gilmore Girls�
They once spoke in quips;
Now, stammer and bloviate.
This season ends it.
“Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip�
Aaron Sorkin’s smart series
Struggles amidst some titters:
Schadenfreude reigns.
“Ugly Betty�
ABC has a
Funny, stylish Thursday show
Succeeding? End Times.
And please: Feel free to contribute some of your own.
Comments
The Mayor doth speak
Lets the little people know
Our stock's been sold short
Posted by: Suzy Q | October 7, 2006 3:56 PM
KIDNAPPED
Intrigued by great cast
Cautiously optimistic
Decide to tune in
I've been burned before
That Rob Lowe show -- what was it?
Now "Kidnapped" axed too
Bummed out even if
It is a "Ransom" ripoff
GIVE ME BACK MY SHOW!
Posted by: B-Two | October 9, 2006 2:55 PM
Fear not: NBC
Will move it to Saturday
Of course, it dies there.
Posted by: David Kronke | October 9, 2006 3:11 PM
Thanks for the update
At least there's 10 weeks to go
Embracing closure
Posted by: B-Two | October 10, 2006 2:21 AM
"Boston Legal"
Lawyers make a case
for booze, cigars
as prime directive
"The View"
What Rosie says,
grows -- expect jabs
from Babs
"The Simple Life"
If camera adds 10,
Nicole should't waist
her chance to grow
Posted by: Anonymous | October 10, 2006 1:24 PM
Hey, those are MY haiku-like show descriptions above ... I anonymized myself somehow.
Posted by: Steven Rosenberg | October 11, 2006 3:05 PM
"Fox News Channel"
Mara Liasson
voice of reason
take no shit from Brit
"Larry King Live"
Not as old as he looks
but still pickled
like corned beef
Posted by: Steven Rosenberg | October 11, 2006 3:11 PM