David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. At work and play
While the cell phone has proven a veritable boon to mankind – how on earth did anyone ever manage to go grocery shopping before their existence? – one concedes that they are open to certain abuses that a civilized society should frown upon. We’ve already lost the battlefronts at restaurants and theaters and sporting events, but we just might be able to stave off the trend of people who natter away on them while at work. Which seems to arising with a startling regularity, as these examples culled from calls monitored by the National Security Agency suggest:
TV actor
“Hey, what’s up? Oh, just shooting a scene. Ah, no worries – I just have one little line. It’s another one of those where we’re trying to figure out what’s wrong with the patient. Yeah, I know – exactly. Oh, wait, it’s almost my turn. Hold on a second. (pause) ‘Should we test her for lupus?’ (pause) Now, where were we?�
Stand-up comic
“No, yeah; I’m onstage now. No, I’m doing my jokes. Wait just a sec. ‘And what’s up with those little bags of peanuts they serve on airlines? You know the ones, right? With about six peanuts in the bag? Jeez, that’s nuts! Well, I did some research into this, and I found out why the bags are so tiny: It’s so people with allergies won’t go into anaphylactic shock during the flight. See, they figured out how many peanuts that the people who are deathly allergic can be around and they divided that into the number of people on an airplane and then …’ What’s that? Yeah, I think this bit is gonna have to come out of the routine. ‘Hey, President Bush is in the news again…’�
Grocery-store cashier
“No, I told you, my break was at 8! It’s OK. You want to party later? The night-shift manager’s off sick today so I think I can get some beer. Meet at Tony’s? Cool. Eww, gross, this guy’s buying some Depends!�
Policeman
“It’s called three-bean soup because there are different kinds of bean in it, not beans from three different cans of the same beans… What’s that? You’re breaking up … Oh, I sound winded because I’m chasing a suspect. Yeah, gun’s drawn. We’re in this warehouse district; no, I don’t see him right now, he just turned a corner. Just a dirtbag carjacker. I know – you don’t have to tell me! Freeze! No, not you – yes, you! Put it down – no, not – look, this is getting confusing; let me get back to you, OK? No, not you! Down on the ground! No, not you….�
Proctologist
“Did you see the Clippers last night? Man, they were stinking up the place in the first quarter and I was thinking, ah, jeez, maybe it’s just the uniform or something; put ’em in something that doesn’t say ‘Clippers’ on it and maybe they’ll play up to their abilities – oh, not much, I’m just performing a colonoscopy – so anyway, yeah, but they came back from 14 down and beat the Mavs by 18! Mobley was on fire! Hold on – I’m sorry, sir, but this’ll go much more easily if you quit squirming so much – anyway; no, you’re right, I don’t know what’s going on with Elton Brand so far. But they’re playing good team ball – Mmmm, polyps!�
Comments
Those cell phone jerks are everywhere. I particularly love to see the ones who are driving around with cell phone pressed to ear, not wearing a seatbelt, blabbing away and completely oblivious to the fact that THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE ON THE ROAD!
Posted by: Suzy Q | November 9, 2006 4:49 PM