David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. Catchphrases of the Damned
Lists, like facts, are pernicious things. And the entertainment industry's endless fascination with itself has prompted the creation of scads of pointless lists in recent years, many of them the product of too-idle minds at the AFI and Entertainment Weekly.
TV Land got into the act today, issuing "The 100 Greatest TV Quotes and Catchphrases." One of the disappointing things about this list - aside, of course, from its very existence - is that it really scans like the people sitting around in a room cooking this thing up just wrote down everything from their brainstorming session and, once they hit 100, called it a day. There're some really lazy choices here, as well as some that came from the world of news and political speeches that just happened to be televised.
So if JFK's "Ask not what your country can do for you..." or Bush I's "Read my lips: No new taxes!" or "Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy," Lloyd Bentsen's evisceration of Dan Quayle, made the list, then just about everything on TV news should be up for grabs. "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit" comes to mind, for example, though it didn't occur to TV Land's brain trust. And "If it doesn't fit" actually did play out as a catchphrase, whereas those other comments just happened to get plucked out of larger contexts.
Also, it's extraordinarily odd to find "Ask not what your country can do for you..." in a list that also includes (and in fact is dominated by) predominantly subliterate grunts and meaningless phrases, such as "Aaay!" (Fonzie, Happy Days), "Bam!" (Emeril), "De plane! De plane!" (Fantasy Island), "Denny Crane" (Boston Legal), "Heh heh..." (Beavis & Butthead), "Holy crap!" (Everybody Loves Raymond), "How you doin'?" (Friends - and, well, just about every other TV show in existence), "Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, The Brady Bunch - neither a catchphrase nor a memorable quote, just a line from an episode), "That's hot" (Paris Hilton), "Yabba dabba do!" (The Flintstones), "Yada, yada, yada" (Seinfeld) and "Whassup?" (yes, a beer commercial has been deemed to have contributed one of television's touchstone moments). And kudos to TV Land for the sheer audacity of putting "Hey, hey, hey!" on the list twice (Fat Albert and What's Happening!!).
Inserting JFK's line amidst that gibberish seems like the most elaborate version of that old "Sesame Street" game "One of these things just doesn't belong here" ever.
Just imagine all the TV writers who worked so tirelessly to construct solid, epigrammatic dialogue who will look at this list and see their efforts ignored in favor of "Tastes great! Less filling!"
The entire list comes after the jump. Your mission: Point out the absolutely most stupid entries (that'll keep you plenty busy), as well as to come up with some glaring omissions. I'll get you started on the latter: "I am not a number, I am a free man!" from "The Prisoner."
Here's the whole list, in, for some reason, alphabetical order. The list in its countdown order will be sent out next month. TV Land will actually devote air time to this dubious enterprise the week of Dec. 11.
…if it weren't for you meddling kids! (Various villains, Scooby Doo, Where Are You?)
Aaay! (Fonzie, Happy Days)
And that's the way it is. (Walter Cronkite, CBS Evening News)
Ask not what your country can do for you... (John F. Kennedy)
Baby, you're the greatest. (Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners)
Bam! (Emeril Lagasse, Emeril Live)
Book 'em, Danno. (Steve McGarrett, Hawaii Five-O)
Come on down! (Johnny Olson, et al, The Price is Right)
Danger, Will Robinson! (Robot, Lost in Space)
De plane! De plane! (Tattoo, Fantasy Island)
Denny Crane. (Denny Crane, Boston Legal)
Do you believe in miracles? (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)
D'oh! (Homer Simpson, The Simpsons)
Don't make me angry... (David Banner, The Incredible Hulk)
Dynomite! (J.J., Good Times)
Elizabeth, I'm coming! (Fred Sanford, Sanford and Son)
Gee, Mrs. Cleaver... (Eddie Haskell, Leave it to Beaver)
God'll get you for that. (Maude, Maude)
Good grief. (Charlie Brown, Peanuts Specials)
Good night and good luck. (Edward R. Murrow, See It Now)
Good night, John Boy. (The Waltons)
Have you no sense of decency? (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
Heh heh... (Beavis & Butthead, Beavis and Butthead)
Here it is, your moment of Zen. (Jon Stewart, The Daily Show)
Here's Johnny! (Ed McMahon, The Tonight Show)
Hey now! (Hank Kingsley, The Larry Sanders Show)
Hey, hey, hey! (Dwayne Nelson, What's Happening!!)
Hey, hey, hey! (Fat Albert, Fat Albert)
Holy ______, Batman! (Robin, Batman)
Holy crap! (Frank Barone, Everybody Loves Raymond)
Homey don't play that! (Homey the Clown, In Living Color)
How sweet it is! (Jackie Gleason, The Jackie Gleason Show)
How you doin'? (Joey Tribbiani, Friends)
I can't believe I ate that whole thing. (Alka Seltzer)
I know nothing! (Sgt. Schultz, Hogan's Heroes)
I love it when a plan comes together. (Hannibal, The A-Team)
I want my MTV! (MTV)
I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl... (Larry, Newhart)
I'm not a crook. (Richard Nixon)
I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. (Vicks Formula 44)
I'm Rick James, bitch! (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, Chappelle's Show)
Is that your final answer? (Regis Philbin, Who Wants to be a Millionaire)
It keeps going and going and going... (Energizer Batteries)
It takes a licking... (Timex)
Jane, you ignorant slut. (Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd, Saturday Night Live)
Just one more thing… (Columbo, Columbo)
Let's be careful out there. (Sgt. Esterhaus, Hill Street Blues)
Let's get ready to rumble! (Michael Buffer, Various sporting events)
Live long and prosper. (Spock, Star Trek)
Making whoopie! (Bob Eubanks , The Newlywed Game)
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! (Jan Brady, The Brady Bunch)
Mom always liked you best. (Tommy Smothers, The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour)
Never assume... (Felix Unger, The Odd Couple)
Nip it! (Barney Fife, The Andy Griffith Show)
No soup for you! (Soup Nazi, Seinfeld)
Norm! (Cheers)
Now cut that out! (Jack Benny, The Jack Benny Program)
Oh my God! They killed Kenny! (Stan and Kyle, South Park)
Oh, my nose! (Marcia Brady, The Brady Bunch)
One small step for man... (Neil Armstrong)
Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon? (Grey Poupon)
Read my lips: No new taxes! (George H.W. Bush)
Resistance is futile. (Picard as Borg, Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Say good night, Gracie. (George Burns, The Burns & Allen Show)
Schwing! (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, Saturday Night Live)
Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy. (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)
Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids! (Trix Cereal)
Smile, you're on Candid Camera! (Candid Camera)
Sock it to me. (Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In)
Space, the final frontier… (Capt. Kirk, Star Trek)
Stifle! (Archie Bunker, All in the Family)
Suit up! (Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother)
Tastes great! Less filling! (Miller Lite Beer)
Tell me what you don't like about yourself. (Dr. McNamara & Dr. Troy, Nip/Tuck)
That's hot. (Paris Hilton, The Simple Life)
The thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat. (Jim McKay, ABC's Wide World of Sports)
The tribe has spoken. (Jeff Probst, Survivor)
The truth is out there. (Fox Mulder, The X-Files)
This is the city... (Sgt. Joe Friday, Dragnet)
Time to make the donuts. (Dunkin' Donuts)
Two thumbs up! (Siskel & Ebert / Ebert & Roeper)
Up your nose with a rubber hose. (Vinnie Barbarino, Welcome Back, Kotter)
We are two wild and crazy guys! (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd, Saturday Night Live)
Welcome to the O.C., bitch. (Luke, The O.C.)
Well, isn't that special? (Dana Carvey as The Church Lady, Saturday Night Live)
We've got a really big show! (Ed Sullivan, The Ed Sullivan Show)
Whassup? (Budweiser)
What you see is what you get! (Geraldine, The Flip Wilson Show)
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? (Arnold Drummond, Diff'rent Strokes)
Where's the beef? (Wendy's)
Who loves you, baby? (Kojak, Kojak)
Would you believe? (Maxwell Smart, Get Smart)
Yabba dabba do! (Fred Flintstone, The Flintstones)
Yada, yada, yada... (Seinfeld)
Yeah, that's the ticket. (Jon Lovitz, Saturday Night Live)
You eeeediot! (Ren, Ren & Stimpy)
You look mahvelous! (Billy Crystal as Fernando, Saturday Night Live)
You rang? (Lurch, The Addams Family)
You're fired! (Donald Trump, The Apprentice)
You've got spunk... (Mr. Grant, Mary Tyler Moore)
Comments
Well, as you noted, this entire exercise is completely ridiculous. But, I'm surprised they didn't include Rodney King's famous outburst: "Can't we all just get along?"
Also, they completely missed the boat on my personal anal-retentive TV cop favorite, Sgt. Joe Friday. It really should have been: "Just the facts, ma'am."
Posted by: Suzy Q | November 22, 2006 3:15 PM
Wow. That is a truly terrible list. Out of all the interesting and witty things that people have said on TV - all the intelligent and not so intelligent quotes, all the memorable prose, all the timeless comments uttered across the medium, the BEST they can come up with is "heh, heh" from Beavis and Butthead?
Ugh.
Posted by: The Judge | November 22, 2006 5:00 PM
When Fat Albert says it, it's "Hey hey HEY!" On What's Happening! however, it's "Hey HEY hey!"
Totally different.
Posted by: MoroccoMole | November 22, 2006 9:43 PM
Actually, Sgt. Friday never said "Just the facts, ma'am." Look it up.
Posted by: The Facts | November 28, 2006 11:19 AM