The New York Times recently acquired a confidential memo from one of Television's most highly placed officials suggesting greater awareness of the mess the People of Television find themselves in than has been heretofore publically indicated.

In order to foster more openness between the leaders of Television and its people - and also, because it's already out there - Your Mayor has opted to share with you the contents of this incendiary memo.

SUBJECT: Television — Illustrative New Courses of Action

The situation in primetime Television has been evolving, and network executives have adjusted, over time, from sitting back idly and counting money to contending with cable and interactive media, to hemorrhaging viewer attrition, to counterinsurgency from producers of unscripted programming, to dealing with death squads and sectarian violence. In my view, it is time for a major adjustment. Clearly, what network executives are currently doing in Television is not working well enough or fast enough. Following is a range of options:

ILLUSTRATIVE OPTIONS

Above the Line: (Many of these options could and, in a number of cases, should be done in combination with others)

¶Publicly announce a set of benchmarks agreed to by the People of Television and the reality-show-based community of counterinsurgents — political, economic and aesthetic goals — to convince everyone that progress can and is being made, regardless of the facts.

¶Make a concerted effort to win viewers’ hearts and minds: Why couldn’t, for example, Kate adopt an orphaned infant Polar Bear on "Lost?" Why can’t the writing team on “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip� have a lovable beagle mascot? Why can’t every episode of “The Shield� or “Rescue Me� end with hugs all around?

¶Conduct an accelerated draw-down of Television broadcast and cable networks. We have already reduced from 567 to 559 networks. Plan to get down to 540 to 541 networks by April 2007, and to 538 networks by July 2007. Honestly: How many of those home-shopping networks do we need, anyway? Jeez.

¶Stop rewarding bad behavior, as was done when Oxygen ran that Shannen Doherty reality show, and start rewarding good behavior. Put our reconstruction efforts in those networks that are behaving and are committed to quality scripted programming, and invest and create havens of opportunity to reward them for their good behavior. Consider creation of Nielsen Viewing Squads (NVS), specifically trained to watch only quality scripted programming and the less-pandering cable networks.

¶Withdraw scripted programming from vulnerable positions — most of primetime, all of non-primetime, etc. — and move said programming to a Quick Reaction Force (QRF) status, to be available when a point on the timeslot opens up where such a series looks like it might possibly succeed.

¶Begin modest withdrawals of big-name stars from expensive series (start “taking our hand off the bicycle seat�), so showrunners know they have to pull up their socks and take responsibility for their shows’ quality.

¶Initiate a massive program for unemployed youth, much as MTV has done with “The Real World,� “Laguna Beach� and “My Super Sweet 16.� It would have to be run by former Florida Congressman [REDACTED], since no other person could do it with such élan.

¶Provide money to key political and religious leaders (as Saddam Hussein did), to get them to help us get through this difficult period.

¶Announce that whatever new approach network executives decide on, they do so on a trial basis. This will give us the ability to readjust and move to another course, if necessary, and therefore not “lose.�

¶Recast Television’s mission and its goals, particularly regarding ratings (and how we talk about them). Go minimalist.

Below the Line (less attractive options):

¶Continue on the current path.

¶Move a large number of serialized dramas into the primetime schedule to attempt to control it.

¶Set a firm withdrawal date to leave the airwaves and just put everything on broadband. Declare that with network schedules gone and the Internets offering a free-market exchange of ideas, the people can govern themselves.