Donald Trump and the Deathly Hallows

NEW YORK (AP) - Much of Manhattan was in flames late this afternoon, the result of escalating violence in the ongoing conflict between megalomaniacal television personality Donald Trump and megalomaniacal television personality Rosie O’Donnell.

President Bush declared a state of emergency, and ordered the National Guard in to restore calm, though New York Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg confessed to confidantes that he’s pessimistic that the city will ever be able to return to its halcyon pre-feud days.

Events got out of hand quickly in the confrontation, which began earlier in the week when O’Donnell mimicked Trump’s admittedly unfortunate hairstyle on her show “The View.� Trump responded by calling O’Donnell unflattering names. Trump later compared O’Donnell to those responsible for the war in Iraq.

O’Donnell then accused Trump of being Patient Zero in both the AIDS epidemic and the avian flu scare. Trump foundered briefly, pointing out once again that O’Donnell was overweight. He then ordered an airstrike on O’Donnell’s favorite Krispy Kreme outlet.

From there, hostilities heightened at a frightening clip. O’Donnell beat Trump’s daughter Ivanka senseless with a special illustrated edition of the heartwarming dog book “Marley & Me;� Ivanka was taken to a nearby emergency room, where sources said she appeared to be extremely disoriented, but that they could not rule that out as her usual condition. Trump had O’Donnell tranq’d and tagged, so that he could monitor her movements via a GPS system.

O’Donnell held a press conference declaring Trump responsible for global warming, Hurricane Katrina and most forms of cancer. She then hijacked Trump’s private jet and flew it into Trump Tower.

Trump retaliated with an almost unbridled ferocity, kidnapping O’Donnell’s adopted son Blake and feasting upon him with friends and acquaintances at a luau-themed party, then dropping a neutron bomb on O’Donnell’s upper-West Side condominium. For good measure, he called O’Donnell “fat, still.�

At that point, O’Donnell decided that enough was enough and brought out the big guns. She wrote a particularly awful poem about Trump on her blog:

trump
tramp
stomp
stump
wealth can’t buy u hair
wealth can’t buy u manners
u & ur beauty pageants
what would u no about beauty
it comes from within
and ur without

After that, it was clear that Trump could not endure another attack and he called immediately for a treaty to be drawn up. Peace talks are ongoing at the Krispy Kreme bunker in Trump Tower’s sub-basement, the only Manhattan location where both avowed enemies felt comfortable. Talks are expected to go through the night while the arduous process of cleaning up the devastation begins.