2007's First Top-10 List

Just as our leaders are now focused on the way forward in Iraq rather than the mistakes of the past, we too are looking ahead to how 2007 will play out for the People of Television rather than the grim news that has been visited upon them in 2006. So, while elsewhere you have been inundated with Top-10 lists explicating the past year’s programming, we shall scoop our competition by presenting 2007’s first list of Top-10 TV shows.

“Cell-Phone Camera Theatre� (E!) Saddam Hussein’s execution, Dick Cheney accidentally shooting Russ Feingold in the Senate chamber, Michael Richards’ raging against his domestic help and some hecklers while he was shopping at Target, Britney Spears deciding what panties not to wear for a night of club-crawling: If someone captured the moment on a camera phone, it made it to this series from YouTubeTV Productions, which in its press materials trumpeted its “innovative concept of bringing television to television.�

“Edible Underwear� (Showtime) Showtime continued its trend of “edgy� and “subversive� entertainments with this hour-long dramedy starring Shawn Wayans as a transgender crystal-meth addict whose favorite meal and sole sustenance comes from the foodstuff mentioned in the show’s title. In every episode, absolutely nothing happened – as the series’ press release enthused, “just as in real life.�

“For the Love of Allah� (Fox) Fox, chagrined that another network had wrested the mantle of “edgy� and “subversive� from its shoulders, uncorked this sitcom about a wacky group of bumbling terrorists hoping to strike within America. Episodes featured the terrorists dying from sloppy handling of their own anthrax supply, killing one another while trilling ululations after interpreting each other’s doodles upon notepads as being graphic representations of the prophet Mohammed, getting scatologically confused over the meaning of “dirty bomb� and trying to teach one another to whistle.

“Levitra Playhouse Presents� (FX) FX, hoping to reclaim its status as cable’s leading purveyor of “edgy� and “subversive� programming on a budget, got the pharmaceutical company Yamanouchi to underwrite this anthology series soliciting scripts from acclaimed novelists and playwrights such as Jonathan Coe, Patrick Marber, Thomas Pynchon, Julian Barnes and, well, Mitch Albom, all centering on stories of middle-aged white men suffering from erectile dysfunction. It didn’t work out so well for Levitra’s manufacturers, as most of the episodes focused on men whose problems were solved simply by sleeping with more attractive women, but those very narratives ensured that the series became a hit.

“Studio ’70s on the Sunset Strip� (NBC) After the failure of “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,� NBC gave Aaron Sorkin another chance; he retooled the series so that it now took place in the sketch-comedy series’ halcyon days in the 1970s and run by Alvy Singer (Woody Allen, in digitally altered footage from “Annie Hall�). Sorkin eschewed issues and actually hired some sketch-comedy writers for this incarnation, which, despite rave reviews from critics who actually meant it this time around, still couldn’t manage decent ratings and was cancelled after three episodes.

“C’mon, Now! Think, Already!� (Nickelodeon) Realizing that all manner of thoughtful discourse had been utterly expunged from television, Nickelodeon offered this series from Linda Ellerbee that explored everything from Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel’s concept of “Geist� resolving culture’s contradictions with “the absolute truth� to the lone televised explication and analysis of the recommendations of James Baker’s Iraq Study Group. Though aimed at sixth graders, it was the first Nickelodeon series that drew as many adult viewers as it did children. CNN tried a derivative show, “Lou Dobbs Explains It All For You,� but it promptly failed, allowing Dobbs to return again to simplistically railing against the country’s immigration policies.

“Rageoholic� (A&E) Following the succes d’estimes of reality series wallowing in abject and humiliating celebrity behavior (Danny Bonaduce, Tom Sizemore), Mickey Rourke responded with this series following his everyday misadventures, highlighted by a public shout-down with Courtney Love at the Standard’s Roof Bar and his ill-fated tryst with Lindsay Lohan, which disintegrated into both quitting the series, pleading “exhaustion.�

“Mondo Shoot� (CBS) In TV terms, the “mondo shoot� is the day in which stars of TV series pose for their on-air promos, either eying the camera lasciviously or folding their arms with a grim determination or acting as though they genuinely like their co-stars. You see them endlessly during other shows – David Caruso removing his sunglasses meaningfully; Eva Longoria virtually thrusting the cameraman upon a nearby couch (ironically, naturally); Keith Olbermann folding his arms over his chest and turning, purposefully, toward the camera. “Mondo Shoot� courageously went behind the scenes of this dispiriting ritual and found just how much alcohol it took to get stars of hit shows to cooperate with their promotions departments to participate in this degrading exercise (answer: lots and lots).

“I’m Thinking of a Number Between 1 and 10� (NBC) Emboldened by their successes with primetime game shows that required no actual knowledge whatsoever, NBC developed this series hosted by washed-up celebutard Mischa Barton in which contestants had to guess a number between 1 and 10, as concealed in a bank safe surrounded by bikini’d beauties. As they had to come within nine of the actual number, contestants always won, which proved gratifying for lobotomized viewers uncomfortable with the notion of anything remotely surprising in TV suspense.

“Sexy Betty� (ABC) Because viewers always enjoy looking at pretty women more than they do unattractive women.

So here's the first blog of 2007; if anyone cares, here’s 2006’s Top 10…