Cancellation Playhouse: Sneak Preview

In the 1996 French documentary (don’t give up on this entry yet, it gets better) “Microcosmos,� we behold a dung beetle (see? better already!) in a Sisyphean struggle to roll his prized ball of dung up a hill. He repeatedly loses ground, the dung keeps rolling back; it gets stuck on a stick, which refuses it further passage. Eventually, however, at protracted length, our hero succeeds.

It’s a peculiarly exhilarating moment that reminds me of ABC’s equally touching efforts in recent years to launch a successful sitcom (except, of course, for that whole “succeeding� part).

“We have to stick with it,� ABC Entertainment president Stephen McPherson said earlier this month, sounding very much like that dung beetle (if said dung beetle could talk). “I don’t think the sitcom is dead. … It’s frustrating. It’s challenging. We definitely want bigger audiences for them. I believe that comedy is due to kind of explode.�

And so, ABC keeps nudging sitcoms up the hill of viewer indifference. “Help Me Help You� and “Big Day:� already history. “In Case of Emergency:� joining them imminently. “The Knights of Prosperity:� viewers far more apathetic than critics. “George Lopez and According to Jim:� playing out the string. “Notes from the Underbelly:� might not ever make the schedule.

(“Ugly Betty,� technically billed as a comedy, is an hourlong series with dramatic elements, and its success would compromise our theme, so we’re ignoring it here.)

And yet, that hasn’t dissuaded ABC from pushing harder. Here’s a list of ABC sitcoms in development that you won’t be watching in the 2007-08 season:

“Carpoolers:� Four guys carpool to work; discuss contemporary foibles of manhood.

Because nothing screams comedy like sitting in traffic with three other disparate individuals and making awkward conversation. You can pretty much guess the characters: Young, hip, sexually active guy; downtrodden married guy, intelligent yet comedy-deficient ethnic minority guy, crazy, eccentric guy who in the real world would not be able to hold down a job (and whose day to drive the others all dread).

“Family of the Year:� A perennially satisfied New Mexico family meets new competition for the title of “Family of the Year.�

Because nothing screams comedy like an insane drive to keep up appearances no matter what the sordid behind-the-scenes reality might be, all for the sake of a silly contest.

“Sam I Am:� A woman who awakens from a coma with amnesia tries to rebuild her life.

Because nothing screams comedy like a coma.

“The Middle:� Life in a “Roseanne�-style lower-middle-class family, only presumably without Roseanne.

Because nothing screams comedy like a superficial sociological profile of the Americans struggling most in the current economy. Even the title is condescending to its characters and its target audience.

“The Call:� L.A. paramedics rescue everyone but their own tortured souls.

Because nothing screams comedy like cribbing shamelessly from the movies “Bringing Out the Dead� and “Broken Vessels,� not to mention TNT’s drama “Saved� and even FX’s “Rescue Me.�

What would you do in the comedy arena if you were running ABC right now? Punt? Keep pushing? Develop more hourlong comedies?