The Official Autopsy® of the Golden Globes

Final gripes, now that the 2007 Golden Globes have passed into the dustbin of history and we can focus on the Oscars:

* Sort of a brave stab at irrelevance, rewarding the cooling “Babel� with the Best Picture/Drama trophy. Not a bad movie, just one that its creators did better on “21 Grams.� Of course, up against the other nominees, it’s harder to quibble, though “The Queen� is a more solid (if much quieter) piece of work. Dropped-ball of the Year Trophy goes to Universal, who neglected to appropriately promote the year’s kick-ass movie, “Children of Men.� And how do you not nominate Alfonso Cuaron, whose masterful direction of that film’s action-set pieces will be studied and discussed for years to come?

* Funny how the Globes parsing the awards between “Drama� and “Comedy or Musical� seems to allow them to still snub comedies; the musicals that win tend more toward drama than comedy. Sacha Baron Cohen’s win for “Borat� was well-deserved; if he doesn’t at least get nominated for an Oscar we’ll know the fix is in.

* How do Helen Mirren and Forest Whitaker not win Oscars at this point? (You can probably include Jennifer Hudson in this debate, as well.) And, given all this, from where will the drama come on Oscar night?

* Too bad the Hollywood Foreign Press abandoned, except in its embrace of “Ugly Betty� (and, arguably, “The Closer’s� Kyra Sedgwick), its tradition of championing new TV programs. Though one can’t question Hugh Laurie’s second Globe win, and while “Grey’s Anatomy� isn’t the best show on TV – how can it be with such a watery character at its center? – it’s certainly the hottest. (You can argue that Alec Baldwin’s win for Best Actor/Comedy touted a new show – go ahead, I won’t argue – but that strikes me more as a triumph for a veteran actor who has brilliantly redefined himself. Plus, he’s priceless in that role (though I’m not sure he’s funnier than Steve Carell).)

* If only Masi Oka could’ve bent the time-space continuum in order to change the result in the Best Supporting Actor/TV envelope.

* Given how much Tom Hanks amusingly harped on Warren Beatty winning the Globe for “Most Promising Newcomer� two or three generations ago, it sort of begged the question: Why don’t they give that award out anymore? Oh, that’s right: Pia Zadora.

So, on to the after-parties: By the time my deadline story was completed, around 9 p.m., the ones I managed to weasel my way into were already dead. (The ones that were still going strong had lines too long to bother with.)

Waiting in line for the Universal-NBC party, a swanky affair held on the roof of a parking garage, one beheld a veritable who’s-who amongst those bolting it fairly early: Jamie Foxx, Steve Carell, Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner (who begged off talking to a fan by simpering, “I’m cold!� – this, from an actress who won a Globe by playing “Alias�’ super-tough heroine), Masi Oka, Eric Mabius and so on. And no wonder: The spread of jumbo shrimp and crab legs was depleted, restocked very slowly, and only with a handful at a time.

Later, Fox’s penthouse event seemed closer to a wake than a party; it had been virtually emptied, though Kiefer Sutherland, laughing it up in a corner with friends, didn’t seem to be too broken up over not winning a Globe (or, for that matter, that Jack Bauer had allowed terrorists to detonate a nuclear device in Monday night's installment of "24"). Ken Davitian, best known as Borat’s producer Azamat and the fattest guy to appear naked in a movie that grossed over $100 million in probably the history of cinema, was still on hand, though not for long.

Finally, though one can argue that the Globes’ influence is all out of kilter with its voting methods, one absolutely cannot assail its format: All awards, all the time; no lame comedy routines, no even lamer musical numbers, no pointless montages or tributes to dead people, no padding whatsoever.