Your 24-Hour SpearsWatch®

They’re probably the most self-defeating, watery and pathetically useless words in a personal publicist’s arsenal: “We ask that the media respect [our client’s] privacy as well as those of [our client’s] family and friends at this time.”

Particularly if you’re Britney Spears’ professional handler – well, “handler” is clearly the wrong word because no one’s handling anything when it comes to the new Mrs. Clean, who is obviously anything but clean at this point.

Of course, Britney has reportedly bolted detox again, adding to the loopily torturous nature of this saga, as a benumbed nation watches this slow-motion train wreck somewhat reticently, yet unable to turn away.

Until a more graphics-heavy website begins providing this service 24/7, I’ll hereby helpfully attempt to keep you posted with Ms. Spears’ current rehab situation with a low-tech emoticon:

IN REHAB: ☺
OUT OF REHAB: ☹

I pondered which emoticon was appropriate – the smiley face does seem a little Schadenfreude-esque, but it really means we should be happy she’s trying to help herself. And the sad face – well, that’s because she’s running around untethered, which at this point is obviously not a good thing.

So:

BRITNEY SPEARS’ CURRENT STATUS

☺

Bookmark this entry and check back often for updates! I’ll probably have to hire a round-the-clock staff to keep this appropriately updated, but it’ll be worth it to keep an on-edge nation’s state of mind somewhat more at peace.

* UPDATE: Apparently, we're getting closer to this sort of technology than I would've imagined: A website does offer celebrity-stalker capabilities. Soon, we'll just have our celebrities tagged and micro-chipped.