March 2007 Archives
Kudos to HBO for eking an hourlong special out of one of those ubiquitous self-congratulatory Hollywood-style events in which celebrities talk about themselves: For “Jerry Seinfeld: The Comedian Award,” Anderson Cooper hosts an event in which Seinfeld receives an award no one’s ever heard of and which, in fact, didn’t exist until HBO realized they could, in fact, eke out an hourlong special from it.
Chris Rock, Garry Shandling and Robert Klein appear, discussing the art of standup and showing much love to Seinfeld. Having spent time with comics, I found some of the conversation intriguing, though I'm not sure how many folks with no ties to the industry will. Much of the actual comedy comes from footage from Seinfeld’s last HBO special, which people who want laughs will have already seen.
Seinfeld credits Klein with inspiring him, saying, “Robert made it OK to be smart. You see Red Skelton, you don’t think, ‘Oh, you have to be smart to be a comedian.’”
On the other hand, watching comics discussing their art form can be kind of deadly. As Klein proves, by talking about Rodney Dangerfield too much. Shandling has some funny moments, as does Rock, when he compares Shandling to Pauly Shore (Shandling’s response to Rock’s dis is almost as funny as the slag itself).
Rock explains how network executives are given free reign to emasculate a comic’s sensibility onscreen: “Cops want crime. You don’t f@#&ing eat if there’s no crime. Executives give notes – if it’s perfect, they don’t have a job.”
HBO head Chris Albrecht even beneficently - I'm pretty sure that's the word - grants himself some screen time, before Seinfeld artfully manages to make fun of “self-congratulatory b.s. events like this,” while seeming genuinely to be moved to get his little plexiglass gewgaw. Most impressive: The comics manage to get Cooper to admit that he – along with many news anchors – spend a lot of time looking at themselves appreciatively in the mirror.
- “Jerry Seinfeld: The Comedian Award:” 9 p.m. Sunday, also 2 and 11 p.m. 4/4, 1 a.m. 4/8, 9:30 a.m. and 9 p.m. 4/10, 5 p.m. 4/13, 12:30 a.m. 4/14; HBO. Other times on other HBO platforms.
After a mere two years, CMT is kicking the Miss America pageant to the curb.
Brian Phillips, executive vice president of the cable network, issued a statement reading, in part: “We’re very proud of the successful programming we’ve been able to produce with the Miss America Organization. As a network, CMT is now in a more aggressive position to build off of existing series and launch more original series and music-centric special events.”
Boy, if you can’t manage good enough ratings for a cable network to retain you, it’s pretty apparent this whole beauty-pageant thing has gone the way of the dodo, the manual typewriter and personal accountability in Washington, D.C.
Michael Hirst, creator of “The Tudors,” boasts that his series features some 4,000 ornate costumes. When he met costume designer Joan Bergin (“The Prestige”), he says, “We talked about, ‘Let’s not just get stuck into the Tudor costumes, because right around the corner, you’ve got the Renaissance, which had amazing fabrics and costumes.’ She said, ‘Can I do that? It gives me a much bigger palate.’ I said, ‘You must do that. You must stretch. Just go for it.’”
Sam Neill, who plays Cardinal Wolsey in “The Tudors,” concedes that Bergin indeed go for it.
“I’m in a big red frock for the most of it, except when I’m in bed with my mistress, in which case I’m wearing no frock at all,” Neill says.
“I thought the costumes were fantastic. One of the pleasures in coming to work was that you didn’t know how they’d look. The odd hat was faintly ridiculous. I came in one day and saw Nick Dunning in his costume – he looked so ridiculous, I was on the floor laughing. He being a good friend of mine, he took it in stride.”
Remember the good old days, when Oprah’s Book Club chose lightweight books filled with feel-good bromides and/or uplifting female self-empowerment? And then, she got all arty and picked Jonathan Franzen’s “The Corrections,” which sort of appalled the author and forced Oprah to withdraw it as a choice for her fans and even, for a time, suspend her book club altogether?
Even though Oprah declared “The Corrections” “the best 648 pages I've read in years,” Franzen scarcely considered the endorsement a positive development in his career. When I spoke to him at the time, he fretted that were a serious reader of literary fiction to see the Oprah sticker of approval on a book, “You wouldn't read it. Exactly! You'd think it's going to be some schmaltzoid, one-dimensional issues book.” He added that post-Oprah, “The book got split in two in some modern-physics-type way. One is going on its trajectory, without the corporate logo and finding its way to folks who shop in independent bookstores, and version two is finding its way into Wal-Marts and Costcos.”
After Oprah cancelled her show on “The Corrections,” Franzen subsequently Emailed me a mea culpa: “I feel terrible that certain unwise remarks of mine, taken out of context, hurt the feelings of a woman who is a reader of mine, an admirer of my work, and one of the real forces of good in the literary life of the nation. I have the greatest respect for and gratitude to readers of all kinds.”
Well, Oprah’s Book Club returned quite some time ago, and for her latest choice, she’s gone even more outré – Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road,” a short, great but brutal novel set in a relentlessly grey future landscape in which food, potable water and even simple humanity are in short supply.
In it, an unnamed man and his son traverse a battered, ashen America in search of – well, something. In perhaps the book’s most disturbing passage, they come upon a rural home housing human captives, awaiting their grim fates to become someone’s menu item:
“He started down the rough wooden steps. He ducked his head and then flicked the lighter and swung the flame out over the darkness like an offering. Coldness and damp. An ungodly stench. The boy clutched at his coat. He could see part of a stone wall. Clay floor. An old mattress darkly stained. He crouched and stepped down again and held out the light. Huddled against the back wall were naked people, male and female, all trying to hide, shielding their faces with their hands. On the mattress lay a man with his legs gone to the hip and the stumps of them blackened and burnt. The smell was hideous.
“Jesus, he whispered.
“Then one by one they turned and blinked in the pitiful light. Help us, they whispered. Please help us.
“Christ, he said. Oh Christ.
“He turned and grabbed the boy. Hurry, he said. Hurry.
“He dropped he lighter. No time to look. He pushed the boy up the stairs. Help us, they called.
“Hurry.
“A bearded face appeared blinking at the foot of the stairs. Please, he called. Please.
“Hurry. For God’s sake hurry.”
Enjoy, Oprah readers!
On Tuesday, I participated in the Abu Ghraib of the Soul that is live-blogging “American Idol.” Crack Daily News staffer Semhar Debessai distills the blather from a chatroom in an undisclosed bunker into nice, tidy, pithy soundbites.
I’m not nearly so discreet or assiduous. Herewith, almost the full transcript, with a few edits (including jettisoning assorted LOL’s and such) to make it somewhat coherent. Of course, it helps if you actually saw the show. If not, all the help I can give you is the chronological rundown of performers: LaKisha, Chris Bligh, Gina, Sanjaya, Phil, Melinda, Jordin, Blake, another Chris.
The purpose of this exercise, if there is one, is to help you appreciate how artfully Semhar trims this nonsense into something resembling clever banter, and finds, at a moment’s notice, great accompanying art, to boot. (She’s not only piecing this together while also live-blogging, dealing with our balky blog-site, but she impressively stepped up quite nicely to extemporaneously illustrate my herniated disk, but full disclosure: As appropriate as the expression on the dog’s face is, my dog is much, much smaller.)
MizRock: am I here?
Sem: ok, great; we're all here for the excitement.
MizRock: I love LaKisha.
Sem: yes.
MizRock: OK, the boots and the wide black hem don't go, but she's made us forget.
Sem: they threw me off guard, putting one of the good ones first.
MizRock: she's ROCKING!
The Mayor: OK, have I missed anything? I never watch, but this is what I know: No one seems particularly wowed by any of the contestants, but there's one guy specifically who's awful, but he's being kept on the show by Howard Stern and weeping children.
MizRock: LaKisha is amazing, Simon usually likes her.
The Mayor: Paula's still crazy, and after all these years, Simon and Seacrest are STILL gay-baiting one another. Is there anything else I need to know?
MizRock: Last week we had to drink every time Randy said “pitchy.”
The Mayor: I read today that Gwen REALLY DID NOT want Sanjaya to do one of her songs.
MizRock: Good for Gwen.
MizRock: you've never watched this?
Davidkronke: If you saw my CD collection, you'd understand immediately why I can't watch this show.
MizRock: give me a hint.
The Mayor: These sorts of gruel-y songs performed in this sort of bombastic way makes my ears bleed.
MizRock: Mine is all Jimmy Buffett and show tunes.
The Mayor: Though No Doubt's OK; not so jazzed by glam Gwen and her retinue of geishas. But doesn't Gwen Stefani have a good enough career to avoid having to do this show?
MizRock: well, they said she was focusing on her solo career and she did take some time off to have a baby: Maybe she figured being part of this show - it's #1 somewhere, isnt' it?
Sem: fergie and nelly furtado are stealing her style.
MizRock: yeah.
Sem: so she needs something new i guess....new, not necessarily better.
The Mayor: Question: Has Randy figured out a new shtick yet? Sorry, misspoke: Has he figured out a shtick, period? It must suck to be on a panel when the other panelists actually have personalities.
MizRock: Nope. Everybody is still a dawg, and what did he do BEFORE idol?
Sem: uhh, eat. Now he wears make up.
MizRock: too funny!
The Mayor: He played behind Journey, and was a studio cat, not a dawg.
The Mayor: Maybe I'd watch if they mixed it up more. For example, why can't they have a Leonard Cohen night? That'd be brilliant. Have one person perform “The Butcher” - which is, what? three or four notes, tops? - in the desiccated, strung-out way Cohen sings it, then have someone else sing it in the show's trademark overblown, Celine Dion-fashion.
MizRock: works for me.
Sem: i dont know if the 7-year-old audience would care too much for that.
The Mayor: You know another theme evening that'd be cool would be a Lisa Germano night. Watching this bunch try to figure out how to perform her songs about self-loathing and alcoholism would come close to performance art.
Sem: haha - ART!
MizRock: I'm gonna throw Buffet into the mix. Everybody could go to margaritaville.
Sem: Here’s Chris.
Sem: how dare you suggest ART on IDOL.
MizRock: it's not good when the backup singers are louder than the lead.
The Mayor: Why are the Police reuniting, anyway? Their music hasn't aged very well.
MizRock: he was really WEAK tonight. … Aah, he said package!
The Mayor: "I did the best I could." Famous last words.
MizRock: My friends play in a kick-ass Journey cover band, named "Lights."
The Mayor: Paula knows about "staying in the pocket."
MizRock: ow!
Sem: so i take it you dont like paula.
MizRock: he's holding up well. ow, simon gets played off by the band!
Sem: stop scratching your backside, Chris!
Sem: bottom 5, at least.
The Mayor: "My bad:" Not the best way of saying, "Please vote for me."
MizRock: hahaha. you're gonna love gina. … My ears are bleeding.
Sem: she'll be wearing fishnets.
MizRock: crack in her voice.
The Mayor: Do they ever actually advise these people on what to wear? Because if they do, I would sue them.
Sem: true story.
The Mayor: SHE's in the Top Ten?
MizRock: yup.
The Mayor: Then I would've made the Top 24.
MizRock: this would be a place to make inappropriate hooker comments.
MizRock: “boot night.”
The Mayor: Boot night -- as in, everyone should get the boot.
MizRock: Paula sounds like this is her 450th parent-teacher conference and all she wants is a drink.
Sem: ? the best ?
The Mayor: The fix is in.
MizRock: Cripes, Simon.
MizRock: Yeah, but they say one thing and all the idiots calling in make the real decisions.
MizRock: Oh, David, you're in for a treat.
The Mayor: I don't know if it means anything, but my dog just left the room. With a most reproachful look in his eyes. He's lost all respect for me.
MizRock: my dog is hiding under the dining room table.
The Mayor: Here's a potential conspiracy theory: Do the show's producers skew the results when they choose the order of the performers? Because on a consistent basis, the ratings and the number of viewers rise significantly as the show proceeds. Last week, for example, just a hair under 25 million were watching from 8-8:30, but by 9:30-10 a sliver over 32 million people were tuned in. More viewers means more potential voters, so they can slot the people they don't like early and those they do like later. Just a thought.
MizRock: Access Hollywood took the crying girl for a makeover. She still looks awkward and ugly.
The Mayor: I was at a Kings game last week at Staples Center, and Seacrest was there, and when the cameras were trained upon him, the boos outweighed the cheers. You got the sense that the only way the crowd would've approved of his presence was if Rob Blake checked him against the boards.
MizRock: hoo=hoo!
MizRock: bathwater?
Sem: keep it real gwen. she was so trying not to laugh
The Mayor: By the way, Semhar, warm congratulations on your recent promotion. I'm sure if you can find someone to surreptitiously shiv Fred, you'd get his job, easy.
Sem: awww, thanks david (i think)
MizRock: she needs darker lipstick.
The Mayor: Not even the teenage girls can vote for him with this hair.
MizRock: what the HELL?
Sem: OMG; i just looked up; I was trying to avoid the screen. Quick, turn away!!!!
MizRock: Ive never seen anything stupider looking.
The Mayor: Sem: Not that I'm advocating anything. Unless, of course, it's MY job you're after. In that case, forget I said anything. You're a ruthless, cold-hearted person, and I want nothing to do with your career ascension.
Sem: you’re safe, david.
The Mayor: And Sanjaya comes out to America.
MizRock: maybe he and Gina can split attorney fees.
The Mayor: Put it out there, dude? He couldn't've put his hair any more out there.
Sem: are they seriously thinking about their comments?
MizRock: she called it a fauxhawk.
Sem: he's feelin himself TOO MUCH.
MizRock: he is such a weakling.
The Mayor: Simon definitely wants to pull it off ... his head.
MizRock: Seacrest is biting his tongue.
The Mayor: Agggh. "So unnecessary for the song" is an understatement.
MizRock: oh, she looks very nice tonight. Worth paying attention to.
MizRock: Remember Sean Cassidy? Now think Sanjana.
The Mayor: I'm trying not to think at all; that's the only way I'll get through this.
MizRock: she is definitely going for the American Girl look tonight.
The Mayor: So we go from hooker to lunatic to a pretty understated, nice look. And she plays to the camera well, too.
Sem: did she sing any words?
MizRock: there he goes with the pitchy.
MizRock: sweet but forgettable......
Sem: it was very karaoke-like.
MizRock: I wonder if anyone escorts the judges to their cars.
Sem: Phil - think Moby. and chris R. = justin timberlake.
MizRock: so as the king of TV, David, what's your fave show?
Sem: blake = trying HARD to be justin timberlake.
The Mayor: No, I'm merely the Mayor of Television. Which really isn't that impressive. Are there any other awful performers forthcoming?
MizRock: phil.
MizRock: they're moving through fast tonight, it seems.
The Mayor: Halfway through; ears are blood-free.
MizRock: did you hear that they're making the results show hour-longs in mid-April because the losers haven’t had a chance to sing?
Sem: to david: excellent, but um, phil hasn't gone on yet.
MizRock: how much makeup is he wearing?
The Mayor: yet another ill-advised look. Sweet.
Sem: smart to wear a hat.
The Mayor: OH, this WILL be painful.
Sem: there you go david: the police.
The Mayor: He looks like he's there courtesy the Make a Wish Foundation.
Sem: i've heard better karaoke sober.
The Mayor: I had a herniated disk about 15 months ago, and I thought THAT was painful.
MizRock: seven fillings on the right.....
The Mayor: Thank God I'm not a hemophiliac, because the blood that started spurting from my ears during that spectacle could've ended up killing me.
MizRock: good thing the dog left the room, Mine is looking at me asking "why?"
MizRock: Oh, you're gonna love Melinda. As soon as you get over her big head physically. Emotionally, she's really humble and sweet.
The Mayor: She looks like that woman on Grey's Anatomy who's really bitchy.
Sem: Chandra Wilson, Dr. Bailey. (i love that show) I can't help it! my whole apt. is into it. it's like smoking...if you're around it so much(at least i think that's how it goes)
The Mayor: Right. (Another show I don't watch.)
MizRock: David, you're missing LIFE.
Davidkronke: Yes, I am. And proud of it.
MizRock: that's it, I'm wearing leggings into the office tomorrow.
Sem: noooooooo leggings. Ever.
MizRock: ok, guess I am a bit old for that look.
The Mayor: Good voice; hate the song.
MizRock: that's because we're old enough to remember disco, David.
The Mayor: "You tell a story from the very first word that comes out of your mouth?" Is that possible? Don't you need more words to tell a story? Just saying.
MizRock: guess he's not a leg(gings) man … What the heck was Jordan wearing? … Blake is the beat box boy … this show looks SO missable.
MizRock: why do I feel like I'm at some neighbor kid's recital? … Adequate is too generous.
The Mayor: What is that outfit trying to say to America? I'm a dork trying really, really hard to be cool?
MizRock: it's the part of Gina's costume that she forgot to wear.
The Mayor: Gina forgot to wear ALL of her costume.
MizRock: oh, this will be painful, I hope … say it, he SUCKED!
The Mayor: "You made the most of it:" Like my dog made the most of an empty jack in the box wrapper.
MizRock: WHAT THE HELL? … Are Paula and Simon both smoking?
MizRock: Daisy Duke on steroids … I sing this better in my car
The Mayor: I dress better than that in my car.
The Mayor: My dog: lying in the other room; looking at me bereftly. Maybe he just wants to go for a walk, but I think he's an aesthetically perceptive fellow.
Sem: can ur dog blog?
The Mayor: At least as literately as i can.
MizRock: Ok, the painful Chris is closing the show. He's really bad.
The Mayor: So, who do you guys think will win? Melinda?
MizRock: Definitely. … I think Sanjaya is going to make it to like the last four just to torment America.
Sem: sanjaya, unfortunately.
MizRock: sanjaya...coming soon to a junior high near you.
Sem: melinda looks too much like someone's auntie....not enough to be an idol...i mean, look at uncle taylor h.
The Mayor: I think Fox wants to keep Sanjaya on there, for a number of reasons. Why else would they have pulled that lachrymose tot stunt last week?
sem: that little girl?
mizrock: She was on Extra getting a makeover. Her 15 minutes is SO over, she owes America about 30 minutes.....
The Mayor: It would've been even better if they had had a Down Syndrome kid weeping for Sanjaya.
MizRock: true.
Sem: just look into chris' eyes.
Mizrock: how long has he been working on that beard? four weeks?
The Mayor: Did he find that jacket in a dumpster?
MizRock: think so. got the tie from some sixth grader. Chris, put the DAMN MIC STAND DOWN! good lord, the hair again!
The Mayor: Wow, this montage of the performers would be enough justification for the Bush Administration to attack the Fox Studios.
Sem: torture....in short.
MizRock: those are WMDs, for sure.
Your Mayor will be whoring himself out tonight, assisting in the live-blogging of tonight’s episode of “American Idol,” alongside Semhar Debessai and whoever else she suckers into participating while Fred Shuster abdicates this most urgent responsibility.
Unfortunately, we’ll be responding to the West Coast feed of the show, so three-quarters of the country will be denied our penetrating insights into the nature of music and free enterprise, not to mention our withering quips about Sanjaya Malakar.
Well, it’s not much, frankly, a fairly chaste peck. So settle down, already.
On tonight’s season finale of “Dirt,” Aniston appears as Tina Harrod, another high-powered editor who, it’s rumored, is up for Lucy Spiller’s (Cox) job at DirtNow. The fractious scene in which Lucy discovers Tina in her publisher’s office is the best between the old friends – claws out, circling one another warily.
Later, they have a lunch; it’s revealed the two had a fling in the past. As they leave their table; Aniston puts her hand almost on Cox’s bottom, then moves in for a mouths-closed kiss. I’ve seen more erotic air-kisses in Hollywood.
But that’s not the point of the episode; it’s just the subterfuge to get people to watch. After doing pretty well ratings-wise the first episode, the show has lost a sizable chunk of viewers.
Here’s “Dirt’s” problem: FX has a pretty reliable template for its dramas – there’s a charismatic anti-hero at their shows’ centers (“The Shield’s” Michael Chiklis, “Rescue Me’s” Denis Leary, “Nip/Tuck’s” Julian McMahon, “The Riches”’ Eddie Izzard) who, no matter how rough the going may be, still manage to enjoy the ride and make with the punchy one-liners. “Dirt’s” Lucy – who easily has the cushiest life of any FX character – is also, oddly, the chilliest, least happy of the bunch and can be fairly humorless.
In tonight’s episode, Aniston’s character, actually, has the glib, edgily easygoing insouciance that the brittle Lucy Spiller could use.
That dark tone carries over into the whole series, which is fairly apocalyptic about a pretty trivial subject – Hollywood gossip rags. Willa’s (Alexandra Breckinridge) ruthlessly going after Lucy, her boss, Lucy is plagued by a stalker (whose identity is revealed tonight) and the crash and burn Julia (Laura Allen) suffered this season felt awfully swift and relentless, even by Britney Spears’ standards (Julia released her own rape tape on the Internets).
Life at a tabloid would seem to lend itself to a wrier, more satirical tone than the pervasively grim spectacle that was “Dirt” this season. And we’re treated to a particularly dour finale if the show doesn’t come back: Lucy’s even willing to sell herself out for her magazine.
- “Dirt:” 10 tonight; FX.
While fans of “The Sopranos” are anxiously awaiting the final episodes of the series (returning April 8), there apparently is a segment of the population disinterested in the show’s Machiavellian machinations but eager to profit off the personal tragedies of fictitious characters. An online sports book has laid down the odds on who will get whacked first when the series returns:
James Gandolfini (Anthony "Tony" Soprano): 17/2
Edie Falco (Carmela Soprano): 12/1
Michael Imperiolo (Christopher Moltisanti): 2/1
Lorraine Bracco (Dr. Jennifer Melfi): 6/1
Aida Turturro (Janice Soprano): 10/1
Steven Van Zandt (Silvio "Sil" Dante): 7/1
Dominic Chianese (Corrado "Junior" Soprano): 4/1
Tony Sirico (Peter Paul "Paulie Walnuts" Gualtieri: 4/1
Jamie-Lynn Sigler (Meadow Mariangela Soprano): 12/1
Robert Ller (Anthony "A.J." Soprano, Jr.): 13/1
John "Johnny Sack" Sacrimoni (Vince Curatola): 7/2
Phil Leotardo (Frank Vincent): 5/1
People who work on the show could place their bets and never have to work another day in their lives. (On the other hand, a couple of spoilers have leaked out in the past few months, and the odds above seem to reflect those disclosures.)
And the Emmy for Outstanding Performance by a Once-Humiliated Politician Making a Gratifying I-Told-You-So Victory Lap goes to...
When you’re hot, you’re hot, and people are falling all over themselves to give you awards, just so you’ll show up and they can bask in your sheen. So it goes with Al Gore, who will receive an honorary Emmy for his portrayal as a young autistic man suffering from a bewildering series of deadly maladies on an episode of “House.”
“Not only was the former Vice President able to render an exquisitely sensitive evocation of autism, but he also quite convincingly played a character significantly younger than he,” enthused International Academy of Television Arts & Sciences President & CEO, Bruce L. Paisner.
Gore responded, “It is an honor to be recognized by the International Academy of Television Arts & Sciences.”
OK, in reality, Gore’s receiving the 2007 International Emmy® Founders Award thanks to his “launching cable/satellite channel Current TV and his ongoing effort to alert the world to one of the great challenges of our time, global warming.”
And what Paisner actually said – or what the Academy’s publicity department constructed for Paisner to have ostensibly intoned was, "The Academy presents the Founders Award to an individual or organization which crosses cultural boundaries to touch our common humanity- how perfect a definition for Al Gore. We in the media industry are honored that one of the world’s leading political figures has joined our global community of broadcasters."
And Gore’s quote actually went like this: “It is an honor to be recognized by the International Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, which, like Current TV, strives to create a global conversation through the powerful medium of television.” Gore will receive his shiny object in November in New York.
My version was better.
Now that Britney Spears is out of rehab, she’s anxiously awaiting that perfect moment to relapse. But thankfully, she’s back, and better than ever! We caught up with Ms. Spears late Saturday night at the Standard, where she sipped demurely on a Perrier and agreed to sit down for this exclusive interview.
Q: Britney, thanks for taking the time to speak. I’m sure all your your fans are anxious to hear from you! Let‘s start with the Senate’s current negotiations over questioning Karl Rove, Harriet Miers, and other White House staffers. Why are the specifics of these interviews so crucial to this process?
Britney: Well, I—when I read (White House Counsel Fred) Fielding‘s letter, my first reaction was that he put a lot of barriers up, so he might drop a few in negotiations, because most of them make no sense. The only one—the only conversations that are really protected are those that are with the president himself. They have limited it to only external conversations. Two White House staffers talking does not create executive privilege.
So I think this is part of a negotiating tactic at this point.
Q: So what is the point of this, then, if they say that nobody ever counseled or went to President Bush about the particular issue of firing the U.S. attorneys?
Britney: Good question. Fair question. And I think is, again, it‘s part of their tactic to just put up hurdles, to try to protect the sanctity of the conversations between the president and his staff. And I — apparently those even leading up to. Maybe Karl Rove‘s conversations with his wife are covered by Mr. Bush‘s concept of executive privilege. I‘m not sure. It‘s a little (INAUDIBLE) -- very fuzzy.
Q: You’ve argued that the Bush administration wants to establish a new kind of presidency, not just separate from, but superior to the other branches. How does all of this, from the issue of firing these attorneys, to this debate over whether or not anybody from the White House can testify to conversations they had amongst themselves, how does that all fit into that theory, in your mind?
Britney: Well, I think it all kind of does fit. When I first got interested in conservatism, the presidency was viewed as something that was dangerous when it was strong. With Reagan, Bush, and Bush, it has now gone 180 degrees, where the conservative canon calls for a strong president.
And one of those criteria is to protect the prerogatives of the president, theoretically being not to invade his sanctity of his conversations with his aides. This appears to me to be an exercise of that nature, where they‘re really making the point, just to make the point.
It‘s also an excellent diversion from some of their other problems, for them to get into a nose-to-nose with Congress on something that‘ll take the attention away from Iraq.
Q: But do you sense that this might be a higher tightrope than the president and his political advisers, and maybe his legal advisers, understand? I mean, Senator (Charles) Schumer last night talked about the information coming out one way or the other, due to the irritated career employees at the Department of Justice. Senator (Patrick) Leahy just said that, you know, if you‘re the White House, you want your guys on the record first.
Does this sound to you like they have more information than the White House understands they have?
Britney: It could well be. I think we‘ve just seen the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, on this whole investigation. I think more and more U.S. attorneys and prosecutions are now being looked at with a different perspective, given the influence the White House has had on this Justice Department, and particularly on prosecutions or lack of prosecutions.
So they may well be playing a very dangerous game. But I think, again, that Bush has got his manhood involved in this, and he‘s not likely to back down. So it could get thrilling.
Q: Lastly, Britney, given how often we‘ve been talking about presidential powers and parameters, and the outreach and the imperial presidency, and the super-imperial presidency, should this be the first question we ask of every candidate for office in 2008: How important do you think and how powerful do you think this job really is?
Britney: Well, I think that‘s an absolute positively essential question that be asked. In fact, I think it‘s so important, I happen to be writing a book about it right now, so your question is very timely. And I‘m on the last chapter, and I think it‘s an essential question that these process questions, which typically are never addressed by candidates, that they are addressed.
Because I‘ve found some very solid research that shows that the American public cares a great deal about this kind of process. They understand it, they‘re interested in it. And when they think they‘re getting short shift, they really get very upset.
Q: Britney Spears, thanks so much for some of your time. By the way, you look great!
Britney: Oh, you’re so sweet. Rock on!
Full disclosure, after the jump.
Talking to “Extra” about this, Sheen said, “It’s a story that needs to be told. It’s a story about the truth and the truth needs to be exposed.”
On the other hand, when asked whether the U.S. government had a hand in any sort of 9/11 conspiracy, Sheen says, “I don’t have any answers to that, but we deserve better than what we’ve been force-fed.” He added, “It’s not just me… not just the Hollywood community, but the social community that is standing up saying what you have given us doesn’t make sense. We just want better answers.”
So, wait: Sheen calls a film about U.S. complicity in the 9/11 attacks “a story about the truth,” but when asked whether the film’s suppositions are indeed true, replies, “I don’t have any answers to that”? One must echo his other sentiments: “What you have given us doesn’t make sense. We just want better answers.”
And Sheen isn’t the only one buying into the conspiracy theory: Rosie O’Donnell offers her own pointed thoughts on the subject in semi-poetry form in her blog. Of course, a few entries away, she posted a bunch of photos of a squirrel, with this addendum: “i have named him shady” (sic).
On the other hand, New York magazine investigated the 9/11 conspiracy fringe a while back and, after initial skepticism, came away not so assured that certain elements of the argument didn’t bear further scrutiny. Hard to tell whether all this comes as a result of people willing to believe anything bad about the government or simple nostalgia for a time when the government, for better or worse, could execute its programs with a nominal amount of competence.
Caped vigilante justice was dealt a severe setback when Batman, the grumpiest of superheroes, was arrested on Hollywood Boulevard for wanting to take a bat-crap in a union Portapotty. Apparently, billionaire Bruce Wayne hasn’t kept payments of his secret identity’s union dues up to date.
Chewbacca, who had previously met with the wrath of the LAPD on Hollywood Blvd., scuttled to the side of the Crapped Crusader, his fellow Hall-of-Justice/Sidewalk-of-Fame tourist scourge. Chewbacca escaped police ire, however, by bolting into hyperspace.
Long known for his brooding countenance and utter contempt for the civil liberties of the criminals he battles, Batman, according to a fellow Hollywood Blvd. attention seeker, is referred to by other street performers as “'Bat-trash,' because he's got a trashy mouth."
The superhero is “participating in an ongoing program to deal with this," Batman's publicist, Alan Nierob told The Associated Press. "The guy is trying to stay alive."
No, wait – that’s what Nierob said after Mel Gibson’s DUI, and before Gibson’s recent roundelay on ancient Mayan culture at CSUN.
Rainn Wilson, who stars as Dwight on NBC’s Emmy winner “The Office” (and appears in “The Last Mimzy,” in theaters now) on his, let’s say, distinctive look on the sitcom:
“I invented Dwight’s hair, proudly. We were getting into production, and Mackenzie Crook had that very severe haircut for Gareth (on the original British “Office”). And I pretty much stole that idea from him – Dwight needs a signature haircut that kind of shows off how ridiculous I look, and I can’t be afraid of that. So it’s parted in the middle and feathered and curly-cued around in the front and it became my style.”
Wilson sort of downplays his own work on the show: “Anyone could play Dwight if they just dressed up like him.” Perhaps, but not just anyone would dare to dress up like him.
And Wilson’s assessment of the series’ quality: “The pilot’s only OK, but the other episodes immediately start to get really quite good. The amazing thing about ‘The Office’ is we’ve done 50 episodes and, of those 50, maybe five of them aren’t great. And all the rest of them are all good to great. That’s a very high standard.”
Daughters, start rethinking those Mother’s Day gift lists: The long-awaited (in some quarters, at least) release of “Cagney & Lacey” on DVD – initially to appear just in time for Mother’s Day – has been scratched, thanks to our old friend, corporate ineptitude.
In the link above, “C&L” producer Barney Rosenzweig, who seems to maintain a somewhat unhealthy attachment to his ’80s crime-drama starring Tyne Daly and Sharon Gless (who replaced Meg Foster early in the first season) as female detectives as tough as the tough guys on the force, describes in protracted, almost agonizing detail his ongoing efforts to return his show to viewers, only to be thwarted by bungling at MGM, who owned the series, at every turn.
Still, Rosenzweig managed to lug the project to a release date to commemorate the show’s 25th anniversary. And then, MGM said, “Oops! We neglected to clear all the music rights for the series! Our bad!”
Well, that excuse is as weak as American beer. Music rights is a major, pervasive issue in the world of DVD releases (it’s why you’ll probably never see variety shows from the ’60s and ’70s such as the Smothers Brothers or Sonny and Cher’s or why you hear songs you may not remember playing over the original episodes on, say, DVD sets of old WB series). If someone at MGM really did neglect this, they really should consider another line of business.
Meanwhile, Rosenzweig is watching with dismay as all his carefully calibrated synergy goes out the window. His memoir, without a DVD to be tied to, will hustle to bookstores’ remainder bins, and he’s miffed that the project’s publicist is being paid more than the actresses actually doing the publicity.
Here are some random snippets from Rosenzweig’s screed, which will no doubt persuade MGM to change its scofflaw ways: “MGM...the little company that could NOT … I might scream about ‘detrimental reliance,’ and all the other problems they were causing me, I might point out that I am a ‘partner’ on the project and have a right to be consulted on such matters, but the bottom line has been no cooperation and noncompliance with my contractual rights. You think I am p!ssed? … The bottom line for me is, how dare they? How dare these itinerant managers handle a precious property such as ‘Cagney & Lacey’ in such a cavalier fashion? … How dare they so trivialize us all? The answer is they just do, because that is one thing the little company that could not, still can.”
When/if the show finally is released on DVD, I hope they include bonus footage of every contentious meeting between Rosenzweig and those callous philistines with whom he grappled endlessly at MGM and allow him to rail against them – and anyone who fails to perceive “Cagney & Lacey” as the precious gem it truly is – on every commentary track.
Tonight on “Ugly Betty:” Betty (America Ferrera) dates Wilhelmina’s bitchy assistant Marc (Michael Urie)!
OK, we’re getting a little ahead of ourselves here. When Marc’s overbearing and no-doubt homophobic mother (Patti LuPone) comes to town, Amanda (Becki Newton) contrives for him to try to convince her that he’s dating Betty (“I fell in love with you because of all that inner-beauty crap,” he says, explaining his back-story to Betty). And so they set up a dinner between the two families at Betty’s modest Queens home; as a gift, Marc brings a ceramic burro holding a cactus.
Meanwhile, Alexis (Rebecca Romijn) and Wilhelmina (Vanessa Williams) conspire to oust Daniel (Eric Mabius) as editor of Mode. Again. Delighted with the scheme, Marc trills to Wilhelmina, “You’re so evil! I’m so going as you for Halloween.”
Go figure – the episode focusing on the proudly glib and superficial Marc turns out to be one of the most sentimental. One misstep the episode may make is that given her kindness toward him, it’ll be harder – or, at least, more contrived – for Marc to really viciously dump on Betty in the future.
- “Ugly Betty:” 8 tonight on ABC (Channel 7 in L.A.)
Calvert DeForest, who played cackling twit Larry “Bud” Melman on David Letterman’s late-night NBC series and, when Letterman moved to CBS, played cackling twit Calvert DeForest (his stage name lost in the networks’ “intellectual property” feud), died Monday at age 85.
I spent the better part of a day with DeForest back in the ’80s, at the height of Larry “Bud” Melmania. Larry’s brand of thoroughgoing incompetence is commonplace today, but was something that hadn’t been seen on mainstream TV in those days, and fans of Letterman’s anti-TV aesthetic loved him. DeForest was touring the country with a purported “comedy” show cooked up somewhat cynically by his manager.
Backstage, in preparation for the show, there was rampant chaos – props were lost, the cue cards (DeForest always read off cue cards, and even then, he struggled mightily) were out of order (so that the jokes made even less sense) and the young women hired that night to accessorize Larry’s stage presence were balking at some of the more sexist trappings of the act (“Don’t worry, it’ll be great,” Larry’s manager assured them). Once the cue cards were in order, DeForest stumbled through them in characteristic blunderbuss fashion, even asking for explanations for some of the jokes, even though he ostensibly would have had performed them at other stops along the tour (“Don’t worry, it’ll be funny,” Larry’s manager assured him).
Through the mayhem, DeForest sat in the corner like a Buddha as everything was sussed out. I asked him, was it always like this before a show? “Always,” he replied placidly. He admitted to being taken aback at all the hoopla, but seemed to enjoy it with the proper attitude.
The show itself proceeded pretty much as you’d expect from a production aimed at drunken frat guys. Larry blew the joke he asked to have explained: “Marriage is a three-ring circus – first, there’s the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering;” Larry read it, “the suffering-ring.” Genius.
Earlier in the day, Larry had appeared at an ice-cream shop to sign autographs, pose for photographs with fans and sit for a bit of a chat with me, but what he was most interested in was the big bowl of ice cream set before him. After interacting with dozens of fans and enjoying perhaps one spoonful of ice cream, his manager tugged at him, telling him it was time to go. It was the only time all day I saw DeForest unhappy, pining for his dessert like a child: “But I was supposed to have the ice cream,” he mewled. “That was the whole point.”
In a statement issued today, Letterman said, “Everyone always wondered if Calvert was an actor playing a character, but in reality he was just himself - a genuine, modest and nice man.” And, indeed, that’s how I always remembered him – as a friendly fellow utterly unfazed by his stardom. All he needed to make him happy was a bowl of ice cream. That was the whole point.
“Friday Night Lights,” the series about a small Texas town obsessed with its high-school football team, may just be playing out the clock on this season – as one of too many serialized shows to premiere last fall, its ratings never reflected critics’ enthusiasm for the show – but its players can leave the field with their heads held high.
(As for the headline - sure, it's a stretch, but at least it's not as hokey as "Thank God it's 'Friday'" or "Turn out the 'Lights.'")
Even though it’s steeped in melodrama, the show is constantly surprising: You’ll be rolling your eyes one moment, genuinely moved the next. The show probably never overcame the fact that it fell between two barstools – the football probably chased away female viewers, while the soap-opera elements no doubt had some of its more testosterone-laden fans fleeing – and enough with the epilepsy-cam, already.
But the show’s picking up a head of steam as it enters its final four episodes of the season. Tonight, Coach Taylor (Kyle Chandler) mulls that college coaching job he’s always dreamed of, but daughter Julie (Aimee Teegarden), smitten with Matt (Zach Gilford), doesn’t want to leave town, even though she’d be moving to Austin, which Taylor describes as “arty – you like arty,” adding, “They’ve got some great ballet-ers.” A class act, that coach.
Meanwhile, wheelchair-bound Jason (Scott Porter) turns disappointment into – well, something less than disappointing, and his whole story hinges on an unlikely placed refrigerator. Riggins (Taylor Kitsch) befriends a neighboring MILF (Brooke Langton), whose initial resistances prove awfully flimsy. And Tyra’s (Adrianne Palicki) efforts to improve herself are repeatedly torpedoed by her mom.
Next week’s episode’s finale carries quite an impact, despite the fact that it hinges on a really stupid premise. A train derailment and possible toxic fallout near the school’s stadium sends Taylor in search of a new field for the state semi-final game. Instead of a nice, state-of-the-art stadium, Taylor opts to have his team spend their prep time building a field in a pasture instead of practicing for the upcoming game. (No seats? No toilets? No lights? No problem!) Then, of course, a storm unleashes its fury during the game (and disappears the second the game is over).
Meanwhile, Lyla (Minka Kelly) and a new friend go out shooting to as a cathartic response to boy problems, but they’re not the female character most in need of a gun.
Despite the narrative artifice, the ending is genuinely gripping. Two more episodes after that, however, and they’ll no doubt, yes, be turning off “Friday Night Lights.”
ABC announced today that just about every show on its air that isn’t absolutely tanking (or, at least, doesn’t cost much to produce) will return next season.
In addition to “Lost,” “Grey’s Anatomy,” “Desperate Housewives,” “Dancing with the Stars,” “Boston Legal,” “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” and “The Bachelor,” ABC also renewed “Ugly Betty” and “Brothers & Sisters.” And, for some reason, “Men in Trees,” even though that show fumbles away most of its “Grey’s Anatomy” audience – even that critic’s punching bag “October Road” did better in its debut in the timeslot than “Men/Trees” has ever done.
“Jimmy Kimmel Live” will retain its late-night timeslot. “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” “Supernanny” and “Wife Swap” will also return.
Firing up the old press-release-style-enthusiasm-muted-by-corporatese-language generator, McPherson approved a quote that had him declaring, “We have had a strong year, with two of the season’s breakout hits, ‘Ugly Betty’ and ‘Brothers & Sisters,’ and the solid performance of ‘Men in Trees.’ We are pleased that viewers have invested in these new favorites along with our other returning series. These shows provide us with a substantial foundation to make ’07-’08 our best schedule yet.”
(Emphasis mine, but I just thought it might make you go “Awww…” that way, underscoring the touchingly blind, even misguided, faith McPherson has for any schedule that would include “Wife Swap” and “Men in Trees.”)
This feels like a network that’s not so much interested in improving than in simply not failing even more. Other networks (particularly NBC) in recent years have replaced bubble shows (“Boomtown,” “Law & Order: Another Spinoff”) with shows that did markedly worse in the ratings. So ABC’s conceding, essentially, that their development slate doesn’t have anything better than “Men in Trees” or “The Bachelor.”
Also interesting are the ABC shows not on the list – any of the comedies and “What About Brian,” its pallid Monday-night melodrama. None of those shows deserve renewal, though ABC learned this year you can’t expect a brand-new sitcom to automatically create an audience, so if they want to keep comedy on their schedule, they’ll probably have to retain at least “George Lopez.”
Will Stephen McPherson be the man to finally pound a stake through “According to Jim’s” heart? If so, sir, I will forgive you "Men in Trees."
I just saw a commercial for an outfit called the GoldKit, and I can't imagine anyone being stupid enough to fall for it.
Here's how it works: You, apparently, have a bunch of gold lying around the house that you no longer want. So you call the number on your screen (the number on your screen during the GoldKit commercial, that is) and they thoughtfully send you a specially padded mailer. You put your unwanted gold in the mailer, then send it off to the fine, upstanding folks at GoldKit.
And that's all there is to it. No more pesky gold cluttering up your place. GoldKit claims they'll send you money for your gold, perhaps even something approximating its market value. But a) what do you think are the chances that a mailer with a label reading, say, "PURE GOLD INSIDE" is ever going to reach its intended destination, b) if you don't know the value of your gold, aren't you best off taking it directly to a nearby reputable jeweler yourself? and c) there's a little law lying around somewhere suggesting that most things sent in the mail qualify as "gifts," and that the sender can't demand it back (I know this because I get so many screeners; that's why Netflix only sends you a movie at a time).
Now, I'm not saying GoldKit is a dubious operation (there's even a question mark up in the headline, see?). I'm just saying that I personally won't be mailing my collection of gold bars to anyone in the near future.
Fuse tonight debuts “The Whitest Kids U Know,” a sketch comedy show that might remind you of “The Kids in the Hall,” only with fewer of those pesky jokes. Here’s a rundown of most of tonight’s sketches (I didn’t write down the ones that utterly bored me):
1) A pregnancy test goes wrong. Short, funny enough.
2) Adolph Hitler’s rap song, “Triumph of the Ill.” A-Hit’s (boy, they should’ve thought of that) not a persuasive rapper, and a mere couple of amusing lines doesn't justify its length.
3) Business meeting disrupted when one guy pulls poop out of his pants. Lame acting, idiot premise, and it just goes on and on and on.
4) AA meeting disrupted by idiot. At least it's short. Still not funny.
5) A buffoonish Abraham Lincoln disrupts a theater performance of “Hamlet” featuring vampires. Starts out sort of funny, gets way bogged down in the middle. Have you noticed that a lot of the sketch ideas concern something getting interrupted by a moron? I have.
6) A deer comes on to idiot hunters. OK, I’ve just surpassed my idiot quotient for a half hour show.
7) A bunch of friends punch and slap one another as part of their “new thing.” OK, I’ve way surpassed my idiot quotient for a hourlong show, even. As funny as those “Captivity” billboards getting taken down around town.
8) Song, “Get a New Daddy.” And “The Whitest Kids U Know” almost redeem themselves with this incredibly tasteless but pretty funny music video. Expect it on YouTube any minute.
- “The Whitest Kids U Know:” 8 tonight (11 ET), Fuse.
Nominees for the first annual American Latino TV Awards were announced today - yes, yet another dubious awards show - and if they want to reach the second annual American Latino TV Awards, they might want to think about hiring a fact-checker or two. Gael García Bernal is a nominee for Favorite American Latino Actor; Guillermo del Toro and Alejandro González Iñárrittu are nominated in the Favorite American Latino Filmmaker category. All were born in Mexico. Worse, Carlos Mencia is up for Favorite American Latino Comedian. Mencia is a stage name; the guy's part German and part Honduran. That, and who said the guy was a comedian?
The press release touts the fact that U.S. Latinos will be able to vote for their favorites. Well, that's true, but given that voting will be conducted online, just about anyone could vote were they so inclined.
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Well, that didn't take long: Someone's hacked together a response to the viral anti-Hillary/pro-Obama ad spinning off Apple's 1984 Super Bowl commercial (if you haven't seen the original, it's on the link, too). Trouble is, it's obviously a cut-and-paste job lacking the facility and ingenious subversive subtext of the original. (Well, the original replica. It's hard to assess originality in these post-modern mashup times.)
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Stuff magazine, as part of its ongoing work in progressive public-service journalism, has named the Wimpiest Men on TV. Ryan Seacrest, Carson Daly and Butters from "South Park" all made the cut; Andy Milonakis, Jared from the Subway commercials and Alan Colmes were all overlooked. Maybe next year.
“Sopranos” creator David Chase admits that he has given thought to a spin-off series from his ground-breaking drama, but don’t get your hopes up too much.
In particular, Chase dangles the carrot on a stick of a sitcom featuring Janice (Aida Turturro) and Bobby Baccalieri (Steve Schirripa). But he’s probably just goofing. He also says it’d be difficult to do a “Sopranos” feature film because, well, he coyly hypothesizes, let’s say key characters get whacked in these final episodes – where in the timeline of the series’ narrative would you place the movie?
But the notion of a “Sopranos” spin-off is an intriguing one. They could remake "The Bob Newhart Show" with Dr. Melfi (Lorraine Bracco) replacing Bob Hartley, but the title might confuse people. Paulie (Tony Sirico) could continue his reign of terror in “Poorly Motivated Beat-Down of the Week.” Meadow (Jamie-Lynn DiScala) could get duped week in and week out by con men and assorted ne’er-do-wells in “Rolling Meadow.” Vincent Pastore could return in “The Adventures of Big Pussy’s Rotting Corpse,” or they could chart the character’s early years in “Little Big Pussy.”
Your suggestions, as always, are welcome.
Court TV’s publicists are far savvier than their programmers. The cable network debuts its first scripted series tonight, “’Til Death Do Us Part,” a docudrama anthology series of sorts based upon purportedly true stories of married couples whose lives after their wedding went horribly wrong.
John Waters hosts, playing the “Groom Reaper;” he introduces each installment and mops up the bloody remains at the end. He’s probably intended to be far wittier than he is on this show (and, in real life, he, in fact, is).
Unfortunately, Court TV’s publicity campaign for the show has proven far cleverer than the show itself. The fold-out mailer including a screener of the first two episodes also included two sets of greeting cards: One, aimed at the emotional highs accompanying a fledgling marriage – congratulations cards. On the other side, however, were cards reading “With sympathy,” with the cheeky explanation, “These days, a seemingly happy marriage can quickly come to a dead end (and we don’t necessarily mean that figuratively). If someone you care about is dealing with the law and/or a loss, send him or her a few kind words on one of the enclosed sympathy cards.”
Clearly, the fine folks at Court TV have particularly dim attitudes about the kind of people TV critics befriend.
- “’Til Death Do Us Part:” 10 tonight; Court TV.
Not really, but close: He suggests critics lighten up and embrace their inner-fan-of-“Are-You-Smarter-than-a-Fifth-Grader” and cut slack to movies that were never intended to be good anyway, just a time-killer for a bored and undemanding country. “If the established media want to stay relevant,” Bart writes, “should their critics make a passing attempt to tune in to pop culture?”
I’m sure this hand-wringing is intended as a joke, but outside of the utter wrong-headedness of the notion, I fail to see the humor. Critics, of course, are immersed in pop culture, but Bart is talking about videogames and short films on YouTube featuring women having diarrhea in hot tubs and the overheated bellowing of WWE wrestlers, the sort of things that appeal to those who would enjoy the aforementioned hit movies but exist outside the purview of Bart’s perception of ivory-tower critics. Were they to absorb those entertainments, Bart seems certain, their reviews would read, “‘300’ is an inane, homoerotic gorefest, sure, but presented far more stylishly than WWE wrestling” or “‘Norbit’ is crass, pandering drivel, but crafted with a little more facility than that 20-second film on YouTube featuring a girl crapping in a hot tub.”
Of course, if critics were to review movies on the basis of their potential popularity, they’d lose all credibility with the people who actually do read reviews. It’s not the media’s job to cheerlead for the movie studios (well, except for Entertainment Weekly), nor is it the media’s job to blindly advocate for whatever it perceives to be the will of the people: They did that recently, and four years later, we’re seeing how well that worked out in Iraq.
But let’s take Bart’s assertion – that the capricious entertainment decisions made by those leading unexamined lives deserve validation between the pages of our nation’s leading publications – to its Kurtzian endgame. Magazines will print garrulous investigative pieces revealing that whiny children should be spared nothing, no toy nor candy chunk that by chance traverses their peripheral vision. Newspapers will publish editorials arguing that if a President wants to engage in dubious, even treasonous, behavior, who are we to complain, because that might just hurt his feelings. Despite her irrelevance in the larger world, websites will report breathlessly on every public sighting of Paris Hilton. (Oh, wait, that one’s already happening.)
So tonight’s historic “Jeopardy!” event: A first-time three-way tie.
All three contestants ended with $16,000. The show really should’ve had a contingency plan for something like this – a steel cage match, for example. That way, “Jeopardy!” wouldn’t just appeal to egghead game show aficionados, but WWE fans, as well. And my money would be on the guy in the middle in the photo linked above.
Mark your calendars: On May 18, ABC knocks the quality of television down another notch or two with “National Bingo Night.” Do you really need any more details? OK, one: You’ll be able to play along online. Bingo’s a stupefyingly somnolent game under the best of circumstances; I can’t imagine how much delightful fun it’ll be watching others playing it or playing alone at home.
ABC’s also uncorking another “celebrity” reality contest, misleadingly titled “Fast Cars & Superstars.” William Shatner (who, as “Show Me the Money” proved, will do anything), John Elway, Serena Williams, Jewel, Tony Hawk and a bunch of people I’ve either never heard or nor particularly clamored to see will receive instruction from NASCAR drivers and compete in speed trials. If ABC really wants people to watch this, they should put these guys in actual races and let them bump one another and cut each other off. Call it “Celebrity Slaughterhouse” or “D-List Demolition Derby.” Then you’ve got yourself a show.
No issue seems to be of higher concern to readers of this blog than whether or not “Gilmore Girls” will return next season – which is wholly understandable, given that this isn’t Daily Kos, where readers’re absolutely rabid about the situation in Iraq and the whole Justice Department scandal, and anyway, “Gilmore Girls” is no doubt the best show whose fate hangs in the balance.
Nothing I’ve written about, here or in print, has elicited such passionate response. I wrote the entry linked above three weeks ago, and I’m still getting Email about it.
Including this one, which arrived Thursday:
“Hi Mr. Kronke, It's [NAME REDACTED ON ADVICE FROM KARL ROVE] ... one of your GilmoreGirls.org Great8Mandate fans. I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to try and get your opinion on the following. Recently, the news for a possible season 8 hasn't been very positive. This week both Kristin Veitch from E! Online and Michael Ausiello from TV Guide reported that season 8 looks unlikely because Alexis Bledel is apparently unwilling to sign on. However, just today Kristin also reported that, ‘With actual tears in my eyes, I must tell you that I’ve heard from several solid sources that the CW has decided not to bring “Veronica Mars” back for a fourth season. Though official word has not yet come down from the network, I did hear from creator Rob Thomas earlier this week, who told me things weren’t looking good...’ (An interesting side note is that Kristin's Veronica Mars news article was only online for a few hours. I'm guessing she was pressured to take it down.)”
[MAYORAL SIGNING STATEMENT: I've reconstituted the above link to take you to an update. What might’ve been originally scratched from the official website was the emphatic nature of the original headline, which the story itself didn’t justify. Though one still wonders just how often the estimable Ms. Veitch has occasion to invite fake tears in her eyes.]
Anyway, my correspondent continued:
“Here's what I'd like to ask The Mayor of Television ... assuming that Veronica Mars really is dead and gone, how can The CW afford (ratings wise/network wise) to lose both it and Gilmore Girls? Wouldn't it then be relying heavily on lesser shows that are already on their last legs and putting a lot of hope into new pilots? Couldn't that backfire terribly? Does a Veronica Mars cancellation give new promise to a Gilmore Girls renewal?
“Any TV expert insight would really be appreciated! Thank you for your time.”
Thoughtfully, and only nominally long-windedly, I responded:
“I don't think it's an either-or with GG and VM. With VM, it's the simple fact that the show just does not get very good ratings. People expected VM to do considerably better with GG as a lead-in, but it didn't really hold on to much of that audience. In fact, the Pussycat Dolls reality show, which seems far less compatible with GG, is doing much better in that timeslot. Part of the problem with VM may have been its serialized storytelling; we've seen what happened to all those new serialized shows that began the season. (When the show returns, it will be as a series of stand-alone episodes, but that may be too little, too late.)
“With GG, it's a matter of economics and casting. No one's left on contract (generally, actors sign a six-year contract with a show, re-upping a year at a time after that), and I’ve heard Bledel has already checked out psychologically [PARENTHETICALLY ADDED RUMOR REDACTED ON ADVICE FROM ALBERTO GONZALEZ, AND BECAUSE THAT’S JUST NOT THE WAY THIS BLOG ROLLS]. Lauren Graham is the lynchpin in all of this. If they can cajole her to return, they can piece together enough for a season eight.
“I would really hate to be a CW executive right now. The network's Sunday night is tanking, its Monday night is on the decline, they may not be able to bring back either of their Tuesday shows. That's half their schedule right there. Were things going better, they'd probably cancel "One Tree Hill," since it's not doing all that well, but all the holes in their schedule will probably preclude that. They'll probably bring back "Seventh Heaven" for another season, as well, if they can't hold on to GG and maybe even if they can.
“CW doesn't develop as many new shows for the upcoming season as the other networks, so they have less to choose from, and, as a columnist for the Onion noted, ‘all of the titles of the CW's pilots sound like they were taken from a “Mad TV” sketch about network executives.’ I'm thinking they're going to turn to some more really cheaply produced reality shows like Search for the New Doll, maybe cut an hour from their Monday sitcoms ("Seventh Heaven" did better on Mondays, anyway).
“Of course, I advocated shutting down UPN long ago. And The WB was doing well until they dumped Jordan Levin as its Entertainment president and brought in guys who decided to torpedo its focus on viewers 18-34 and cooked up all sorts of junk appealing to older viewers (i.e., people like THEM) and then it, too went off the rails.
“So The CW was always a marriage of convenience, and the children simply don't play together very well.
“Ultimately, I'd say that at this point, The CW will do whatever it will takes to bring back GG -- except bankrupt itself. Unfortunately, that might be precisely what it takes.”
Herewith, your challenge: Concoct the best/smartest/dumbest/cleverest reason The CW should bring “Gilmore Girls” back, along with a compelling strategy to lure Lauren Graham back for an eighth year. The winner will receive the coupon for a no-doubt-edible fast-food delectable item thrust upon me when I left Thursday night’s L.A. Kings' somewhat fruitless hockey game (see the below blog entry), as well as some entertainingly cheesy TV-related tchotchke that, in coming years, you might actually come to value (or try, immediately, to pawn off on susceptible eBay users). Enter early and often! CW Entertainment president Dawn Ostroff could probably profit off your insight now.
Ryan Seacrest turned up at the Kings game Thursday night at Staples Center, mainly to wave at the crowd for a couple of seconds. For his troubles, he was booed as much if not more than he was cheered. Make of this what you will.
Republicans avoid the show anyway, realizing Colbert will make them look bad (an exception was a Georgia Congressman who had entered a bill ordering the Ten Commandments be displayed in government buildings; when Colbert asked him to list the Ten Commandments, the guy came up stone-cold empty). Democrats, understanding that Colbert’s a liberal in conservative’s clothing, good-naturedly appear, but he usually makes them look silly, anyway.
Of course, some of the Congressmen clearly are playing along and only an idiot would call them on their appearance. When Colbert asked Florida Congressman Robert Wexler to finish the sentence “I snort cocaine because,” Wexler didn’t hesitate in replying, “Because it’s fun.” (Of course, he was running unopposed in his district, so there was no one around to make an issue out of his joke.) More recently, Kentucky representative John Yarmuth, asked by Colbert to debate him on an issue, happily argued for throwing kittens in wood chippers when Colbert boldly took a stance against the practice.
We should all sincerely hope that Democrats ignore Emmanuel on this one. And maybe, just maybe, eventually one of them might get the upper hand on Mr. Colbert. But probably not.
Television will rue the day it abandoned Judd Apatow, who served as executive producer on three great shows – “Freaks and Geeks,” “Undeclared” (which he also created) and “The Ben Stiller Show” – all of which got ecstatic reviews, underwhelming support from their networks and general disinterest from viewers, and all which struggled to last for a single season. His last TV pilot, “North Hollywood,” didn’t even get that far. Not coddling a guy this talented (he also wrote for “The Larry Sanders Show”) was a cataclysmic mistake.
But it has allowed for two spectacularly funny movies. The other evening, I saw “Knocked Up,” Apatow’s follow-up to his hit “The 40 Year Old Virgin;” Variety is engaging in very little hyperbole when it writes, “Line for line, minute to minute, writer-director Judd Apatow's latest effort is more explosively fu