ABC: Always Be Cankerous

Mark your calendars: On May 18, ABC knocks the quality of television down another notch or two with “National Bingo Night.” Do you really need any more details? OK, one: You’ll be able to play along online. Bingo’s a stupefyingly somnolent game under the best of circumstances; I can’t imagine how much delightful fun it’ll be watching others playing it or playing alone at home.

ABC’s also uncorking another “celebrity” reality contest, misleadingly titled “Fast Cars & Superstars.” William Shatner (who, as “Show Me the Money” proved, will do anything), John Elway, Serena Williams, Jewel, Tony Hawk and a bunch of people I’ve either never heard or nor particularly clamored to see will receive instruction from NASCAR drivers and compete in speed trials. If ABC really wants people to watch this, they should put these guys in actual races and let them bump one another and cut each other off. Call it “Celebrity Slaughterhouse” or “D-List Demolition Derby.” Then you’ve got yourself a show.