David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. Exclusive! “Cavemen’s” powerful drama
Much has been made of the cynical creative bankruptcy behind ABC ordering a pilot entitled “Cavemen,” based on a series of auto-insurance commercials. But reports have gotten some particulars egregiously wrong.
News stories have suggested that the prospective series – about Atlanta-based cavemen who must cope with the indignities of a world prejudiced against their kind – will be a sitcom. In an interview, Joe Lawson, the man who created the series of spots, set the record straight.
“The prejudice the cavemen experience in their everyday lives is a metaphor for racism, and I don’t see how anyone could find racism remotely funny,” Lawson told me. “Well, except when it’s supposed to be, like on ‘Chapelle’s Show’ or a Michael Richards stand-up routine. No, ‘Cavemen’ will be a powerful drama about social misunderstandings and ignorance, and about how these brave and enduring men struggle to find their way and strive to correct the misperceptions about their kind. It will force viewers to examine the ugly preconceptions that lie within their own hearts and serve as an uplifting saga of men who overcome irrational hatred to inspire a nation.”
In its article, The Wall Street Journal noted that NBC had passed on the concept, but Lawson notes, “They loved the idea, but felt they already had a similar series in ‘The Black Donnellys.’”
To prove his point, Lawson shared with me a fragment of his script:
INT: EMERGENCY ROOM. The usual rampant chaos, as doctors and nurses race about, caring for critical cases. UGG, a handsome caveman of about 30 with a pronounced forehead and flattened nose, rushes in, running up to his friends SPARRG (late 30s, with a noticeable comb-over and a soul patch) and STROM (older, yet not wiser).
UGG: Sparrg, Strom, I came as soon as I got your message. How’s Tantric? What happened?
SPARRG: Another friggin’ hate crime, Ugg. Buncha homo sapiens jumped Tantric while he was walking through Peachtree. He inadvertently let out a grunt and called attention to himself.
STROM (outraged): They used his own club against him.
UGG (with great moral indignation): The monsters. When, oh when, will Americans of all backgrounds learn to live peaceably with one another?
A DOCTOR approaches them.
DOCTOR: Are you with Tantric?
UGG: Yes, doctor – how is he?
DOCTOR: He’s still in surgery. I won’t sugar-coat this for you – it’s touch and go at this point. But he has a strong will, and he’s battling for his life.
A NURSE passes them and, noticing the CAVEMEN, sneers.
NURSE (voce sotto): Stinkin’ Cro-Magnons.
SPARRG overhears this, and reacts.
SPARRG: Excuse me?
The NURSE eyes him warily.
SPARRG: Please – if you have something to say, share it with all of us.
NURSE (considering, then, defiantly): Cro-Magnons.
STROM (reacting angrily): Homo sapiens!
UGG (intervening): No, Strom – we must be better than they are. (Beat.) And anyway, I’m a Neanderthal.
Other patients note the confrontation, and begin to circle the CAVEMEN, muttering vile (e.g., “Omigod! They’re different from us!”), threatening epithets (e.g., “That means we must kill them!”). The CAVEMEN are terrified.
UGG: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
*
Powerful, sobering stuff; food for thought for us all. And coming – if luck is with an ever-troubled world – to your ABC affiliate in September.
Comments
The "Cavemen" series would work brilliantly as a sitcom. It falls flat as drama and would easily tire. Sample from script turns me totally off. I wouldn't watch it.
Posted by: Rog | March 6, 2007 7:29 AM
Kronke--
I think Lawson is pulling your leg. Either that, or you're not getting the satire. (Or you're playing along with Lawson.)
Posted by: Doctah | March 6, 2007 11:20 AM
Lawson is spoofing. He HAS to be.
Posted by: TimTurnip | March 6, 2007 7:17 PM