“Idol” Chatter: The (Somewhat) Unexpurgated Version

On Tuesday, I participated in the Abu Ghraib of the Soul that is live-blogging “American Idol.” Crack Daily News staffer Semhar Debessai distills the blather from a chatroom in an undisclosed bunker into nice, tidy, pithy soundbites.

I’m not nearly so discreet or assiduous. Herewith, almost the full transcript, with a few edits (including jettisoning assorted LOL’s and such) to make it somewhat coherent. Of course, it helps if you actually saw the show. If not, all the help I can give you is the chronological rundown of performers: LaKisha, Chris Bligh, Gina, Sanjaya, Phil, Melinda, Jordin, Blake, another Chris.

The purpose of this exercise, if there is one, is to help you appreciate how artfully Semhar trims this nonsense into something resembling clever banter, and finds, at a moment’s notice, great accompanying art, to boot. (She’s not only piecing this together while also live-blogging, dealing with our balky blog-site, but she impressively stepped up quite nicely to extemporaneously illustrate my herniated disk, but full disclosure: As appropriate as the expression on the dog’s face is, my dog is much, much smaller.)

MizRock: am I here?
Sem: ok, great; we're all here for the excitement.
MizRock: I love LaKisha.
Sem: yes.
MizRock: OK, the boots and the wide black hem don't go, but she's made us forget.
Sem: they threw me off guard, putting one of the good ones first.
MizRock: she's ROCKING!
The Mayor: OK, have I missed anything? I never watch, but this is what I know: No one seems particularly wowed by any of the contestants, but there's one guy specifically who's awful, but he's being kept on the show by Howard Stern and weeping children.
MizRock: LaKisha is amazing, Simon usually likes her.
The Mayor: Paula's still crazy, and after all these years, Simon and Seacrest are STILL gay-baiting one another. Is there anything else I need to know?
MizRock: Last week we had to drink every time Randy said “pitchy.”
The Mayor: I read today that Gwen REALLY DID NOT want Sanjaya to do one of her songs.
MizRock: Good for Gwen.
MizRock: you've never watched this?
Davidkronke: If you saw my CD collection, you'd understand immediately why I can't watch this show.
MizRock: give me a hint.
The Mayor: These sorts of gruel-y songs performed in this sort of bombastic way makes my ears bleed.
MizRock: Mine is all Jimmy Buffett and show tunes.
The Mayor: Though No Doubt's OK; not so jazzed by glam Gwen and her retinue of geishas. But doesn't Gwen Stefani have a good enough career to avoid having to do this show?
MizRock: well, they said she was focusing on her solo career and she did take some time off to have a baby: Maybe she figured being part of this show - it's #1 somewhere, isnt' it?
Sem: fergie and nelly furtado are stealing her style.
MizRock: yeah.
Sem: so she needs something new i guess....new, not necessarily better.
The Mayor: Question: Has Randy figured out a new shtick yet? Sorry, misspoke: Has he figured out a shtick, period? It must suck to be on a panel when the other panelists actually have personalities.
MizRock: Nope. Everybody is still a dawg, and what did he do BEFORE idol?
Sem: uhh, eat. Now he wears make up.
MizRock: too funny!
The Mayor: He played behind Journey, and was a studio cat, not a dawg.
The Mayor: Maybe I'd watch if they mixed it up more. For example, why can't they have a Leonard Cohen night? That'd be brilliant. Have one person perform “The Butcher” - which is, what? three or four notes, tops? - in the desiccated, strung-out way Cohen sings it, then have someone else sing it in the show's trademark overblown, Celine Dion-fashion.
MizRock: works for me.
Sem: i dont know if the 7-year-old audience would care too much for that.
The Mayor: You know another theme evening that'd be cool would be a Lisa Germano night. Watching this bunch try to figure out how to perform her songs about self-loathing and alcoholism would come close to performance art.
Sem: haha - ART!
MizRock: I'm gonna throw Buffet into the mix. Everybody could go to margaritaville.
Sem: Here’s Chris.
Sem: how dare you suggest ART on IDOL.
MizRock: it's not good when the backup singers are louder than the lead.
The Mayor: Why are the Police reuniting, anyway? Their music hasn't aged very well.
MizRock: he was really WEAK tonight. … Aah, he said package!
The Mayor: "I did the best I could." Famous last words.
MizRock: My friends play in a kick-ass Journey cover band, named "Lights."
The Mayor: Paula knows about "staying in the pocket."
MizRock: ow!
Sem: so i take it you dont like paula.
MizRock: he's holding up well. ow, simon gets played off by the band!
Sem: stop scratching your backside, Chris!
Sem: bottom 5, at least.
The Mayor: "My bad:" Not the best way of saying, "Please vote for me."
MizRock: hahaha. you're gonna love gina. … My ears are bleeding.
Sem: she'll be wearing fishnets.
MizRock: crack in her voice.
The Mayor: Do they ever actually advise these people on what to wear? Because if they do, I would sue them.
Sem: true story.
The Mayor: SHE's in the Top Ten?
MizRock: yup.
The Mayor: Then I would've made the Top 24.
MizRock: this would be a place to make inappropriate hooker comments.
MizRock: “boot night.”
The Mayor: Boot night -- as in, everyone should get the boot.
MizRock: Paula sounds like this is her 450th parent-teacher conference and all she wants is a drink.
Sem: ? the best ?
The Mayor: The fix is in.
MizRock: Cripes, Simon.
MizRock: Yeah, but they say one thing and all the idiots calling in make the real decisions.
MizRock: Oh, David, you're in for a treat.
The Mayor: I don't know if it means anything, but my dog just left the room. With a most reproachful look in his eyes. He's lost all respect for me.
MizRock: my dog is hiding under the dining room table.
The Mayor: Here's a potential conspiracy theory: Do the show's producers skew the results when they choose the order of the performers? Because on a consistent basis, the ratings and the number of viewers rise significantly as the show proceeds. Last week, for example, just a hair under 25 million were watching from 8-8:30, but by 9:30-10 a sliver over 32 million people were tuned in. More viewers means more potential voters, so they can slot the people they don't like early and those they do like later. Just a thought.
MizRock: Access Hollywood took the crying girl for a makeover. She still looks awkward and ugly.
The Mayor: I was at a Kings game last week at Staples Center, and Seacrest was there, and when the cameras were trained upon him, the boos outweighed the cheers. You got the sense that the only way the crowd would've approved of his presence was if Rob Blake checked him against the boards.
MizRock: hoo=hoo!
MizRock: bathwater?
Sem: keep it real gwen. she was so trying not to laugh
The Mayor: By the way, Semhar, warm congratulations on your recent promotion. I'm sure if you can find someone to surreptitiously shiv Fred, you'd get his job, easy.
Sem: awww, thanks david (i think)
MizRock: she needs darker lipstick.
The Mayor: Not even the teenage girls can vote for him with this hair.
MizRock: what the HELL?
Sem: OMG; i just looked up; I was trying to avoid the screen. Quick, turn away!!!!
MizRock: Ive never seen anything stupider looking.
The Mayor: Sem: Not that I'm advocating anything. Unless, of course, it's MY job you're after. In that case, forget I said anything. You're a ruthless, cold-hearted person, and I want nothing to do with your career ascension.
Sem: you’re safe, david.
The Mayor: And Sanjaya comes out to America.
MizRock: maybe he and Gina can split attorney fees.
The Mayor: Put it out there, dude? He couldn't've put his hair any more out there.
Sem: are they seriously thinking about their comments?
MizRock: she called it a fauxhawk.
Sem: he's feelin himself TOO MUCH.
MizRock: he is such a weakling.
The Mayor: Simon definitely wants to pull it off ... his head.
MizRock: Seacrest is biting his tongue.
The Mayor: Agggh. "So unnecessary for the song" is an understatement.
MizRock: oh, she looks very nice tonight. Worth paying attention to.
MizRock: Remember Sean Cassidy? Now think Sanjana.
The Mayor: I'm trying not to think at all; that's the only way I'll get through this.
MizRock: she is definitely going for the American Girl look tonight.
The Mayor: So we go from hooker to lunatic to a pretty understated, nice look. And she plays to the camera well, too.
Sem: did she sing any words?
MizRock: there he goes with the pitchy.
MizRock: sweet but forgettable......
Sem: it was very karaoke-like.
MizRock: I wonder if anyone escorts the judges to their cars.
Sem: Phil - think Moby. and chris R. = justin timberlake.
MizRock: so as the king of TV, David, what's your fave show?
Sem: blake = trying HARD to be justin timberlake.
The Mayor: No, I'm merely the Mayor of Television. Which really isn't that impressive. Are there any other awful performers forthcoming?
MizRock: phil.
MizRock: they're moving through fast tonight, it seems.
The Mayor: Halfway through; ears are blood-free.
MizRock: did you hear that they're making the results show hour-longs in mid-April because the losers haven’t had a chance to sing?
Sem: to david: excellent, but um, phil hasn't gone on yet.
MizRock: how much makeup is he wearing?
The Mayor: yet another ill-advised look. Sweet.
Sem: smart to wear a hat.
The Mayor: OH, this WILL be painful.
Sem: there you go david: the police.
The Mayor: He looks like he's there courtesy the Make a Wish Foundation.
Sem: i've heard better karaoke sober.
The Mayor: I had a herniated disk about 15 months ago, and I thought THAT was painful.
MizRock: seven fillings on the right.....
The Mayor: Thank God I'm not a hemophiliac, because the blood that started spurting from my ears during that spectacle could've ended up killing me.
MizRock: good thing the dog left the room, Mine is looking at me asking "why?"
MizRock: Oh, you're gonna love Melinda. As soon as you get over her big head physically. Emotionally, she's really humble and sweet.
The Mayor: She looks like that woman on Grey's Anatomy who's really bitchy.
Sem: Chandra Wilson, Dr. Bailey. (i love that show) I can't help it! my whole apt. is into it. it's like smoking...if you're around it so much(at least i think that's how it goes)
The Mayor: Right. (Another show I don't watch.)
MizRock: David, you're missing LIFE.
Davidkronke: Yes, I am. And proud of it.
MizRock: that's it, I'm wearing leggings into the office tomorrow.
Sem: noooooooo leggings. Ever.
MizRock: ok, guess I am a bit old for that look.
The Mayor: Good voice; hate the song.
MizRock: that's because we're old enough to remember disco, David.
The Mayor: "You tell a story from the very first word that comes out of your mouth?" Is that possible? Don't you need more words to tell a story? Just saying.
MizRock: guess he's not a leg(gings) man … What the heck was Jordan wearing? … Blake is the beat box boy … this show looks SO missable.
MizRock: why do I feel like I'm at some neighbor kid's recital? … Adequate is too generous.
The Mayor: What is that outfit trying to say to America? I'm a dork trying really, really hard to be cool?
MizRock: it's the part of Gina's costume that she forgot to wear.
The Mayor: Gina forgot to wear ALL of her costume.
MizRock: oh, this will be painful, I hope … say it, he SUCKED!
The Mayor: "You made the most of it:" Like my dog made the most of an empty jack in the box wrapper.
MizRock: WHAT THE HELL? … Are Paula and Simon both smoking?
MizRock: Daisy Duke on steroids … I sing this better in my car
The Mayor: I dress better than that in my car.
The Mayor: My dog: lying in the other room; looking at me bereftly. Maybe he just wants to go for a walk, but I think he's an aesthetically perceptive fellow.
Sem: can ur dog blog?
The Mayor: At least as literately as i can.
MizRock: Ok, the painful Chris is closing the show. He's really bad.
The Mayor: So, who do you guys think will win? Melinda?
MizRock: Definitely. … I think Sanjaya is going to make it to like the last four just to torment America.
Sem: sanjaya, unfortunately.
MizRock: sanjaya...coming soon to a junior high near you.
Sem: melinda looks too much like someone's auntie....not enough to be an idol...i mean, look at uncle taylor h.
The Mayor: I think Fox wants to keep Sanjaya on there, for a number of reasons. Why else would they have pulled that lachrymose tot stunt last week?
sem: that little girl?
mizrock: She was on Extra getting a makeover. Her 15 minutes is SO over, she owes America about 30 minutes.....
The Mayor: It would've been even better if they had had a Down Syndrome kid weeping for Sanjaya.
MizRock: true.
Sem: just look into chris' eyes.
Mizrock: how long has he been working on that beard? four weeks?
The Mayor: Did he find that jacket in a dumpster?
MizRock: think so. got the tie from some sixth grader. Chris, put the DAMN MIC STAND DOWN! good lord, the hair again!
The Mayor: Wow, this montage of the performers would be enough justification for the Bush Administration to attack the Fox Studios.
Sem: torture....in short.
MizRock: those are WMDs, for sure.