David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. The Bahamian Ministry of Culture Strikes Back
PST NASSAU, BAHAMAS (AP) - Bahamian officials today announced plans to erect a museum to the life and memory of Anna Nicole Smith, the model/gold-digger whose death helped ease Americans’ burden of following the faltering war in Iraq until Britney Spears’ chemically induced meltdown helped ease Americans’ burden of following the death of Smith.
His Excellency, Governor-General Arthur Hanna, revealed that the new museum – which will be built across the causeway from her burial site – will include four wings, each offering an overview of a key period of Smith’s life. The first will be called “Roots: The Making of a Centerfold Model and Diet-Supplement Mouthpiece.” It will consist largely of a road map of her Texas hometown of Mexia and random teeth that have fallen out of the heads of her sundry relatives over the years.
The second, “Centerfold,” will be the largest wing in the museum, featuring floor-to-ceiling reproductions of the sundry nude photos Smith has posed for. The third wing’s theme will be “Addicted to Love – or Drugs, or Something,” and cover her marriage to octogenarian billionaire J. Howard Marshall, her subsequent legal battles, her sundry humiliations at the hands of the E! cable network and her ascendance in the tabloid universe as her life spiraled out of control in the past year. This wing will consist largely of video monitors showing scenes from “The Anna Nicole Show,” a Power Point presentation explaining how many trees were cut down in order to print just stories about Smith in the gossip rags and sundry teeth that fell from Marshall’s mouth during the tenure of their marriage.
The final wing, “Media Sensation,” will be the second-largest wing of the museum and will focus on the post-death media circus courtesy the cable-news networks. In addition to endless tape loops of the endless repetition of the same old scraps of red-carpet videotape that were run accompanying every spurious news item, this wing will feature Judge Larry Seidlin in person recalling his best lines during the trial over custody of her corpse and wax effigies of Wolf Blitzer as well as the news editors of the cable news networks who authorized the seemingly ubiquitous coverage. Governor-General Hanna said that his government is in talks with the cable networks to, upon their deaths, secure the brains of the aforementioned men so that they can be displayed in the future in vats filled with formaldehyde.
A gift shop will offer a generous selection of T-shirts, calendars, painted seashells, shot glasses and methadone.
“This will be done in as tasteful a manner as is befitting its subject,” Governor-General Hanna declared.
The Bahamian government today also decreed that within its territories the ABC Television Network was herewith forbidden to refer to its sitcoms as “comedies.”