Off to a bunker at an undisclosed location

The Good People of Television have spoken. And they have a lot of questions. Such as:

Isn’t this season of “24” a piecemeal amalgam of previous seasons? Isn’t Stephen Colbert sort of over-selling his ice cream, given that no grocery store I’ve been to even stocks the stuff? Has “Brothers & Sisters” really found its stride, or has everyone’s expectations for it dropped precipitously? Couldn’t FX coax a better kiss out of Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston? How could the Peabody Awards honor “The Office,” “Scrubs,” “Friday Night Lights,” “The Boondocks,” “Ugly Betty,” Spike Lee’s Hurricane Katrina documentary and ABC News’ outing of Mark Foley, yet still overlook the Home Shopping Network? Why do all prime-time game shows feel like they’re 70% padding? Did that woman in that Quiznos commercial cackling insanely about “real women” wanting “a lotta meat” have any idea how she would come across? Is Billy Packer for real? Is Katie Couric for real? How can Alberto Gonzalez still be Attorney General? Will Tony Soprano get whacked? Will the King of Queens get whacked? Should Maury Povich get whacked? Who’d win in a cage match: Rosie O’Donnell or Bill O’Reilly? And how much would they be able to charge for that on Pay-Per-View? Do people realize when they’ve experienced that ineffable last time they’ve slept with someone they genuinely find desirable, and, if so, how do they cope thereafter? Do people ponder the vast number of exigencies – stop lights, gridlock traffic, a simple wrong turn – may have prevented them from arriving at a destination where they would have met their soul mate, and, if so, how do they cope thereafter? Was “Prison Break’s” season finale icky, or what? Are mouth swabs reliable? Was Emile Durkheim correct when he wrote, “Socialism has had as its principle aim the amelioration of the condition of the working classes, by introducing greater equality into economic relations – this is why it is called the economic philosophy of the suffering classes?” Was Kenny Kingston correct when he wrote, “The spirit world gives us physical and mental signs … to guide us in our daily lives. These signs are known as omens and apports and each of us can, with an open mind, learn to recognize these wonderful spirit ‘clues.’ If we are totally willing to accept these signs as messages from the spirit world, we can make them perform wonders for us”? Can straight people enjoy Bravo reality shows? What is the point of this screed?

Your Mayor is off to take a brief vacation to recuperate from the long, arduous and dedicated hours he has put into serving You, the Good People of Television. In the interim, I’ll mull these questions. If I come up with anything, I’ll get back to you.