TCA Awards: Your vote almost counts

Of the scores of meaningless entertainment-industry awards distributed over the course of the year, one of the least influential is one that Your Mayor actually votes on: The Television Critics Association Awards, handed out in July around the time Emmy nominations are announced.

Early in May, the TCA will be requesting from its membership suggestions for nominations. The TCA does this because it realizes that its members (who fork over $75 per annum for the opportunity to participate in this exercise in – what? self-aggrandizement? futility?) watch far too much television and therefore our brains are way too addled to remember all the good stuff we actually saw over the course of 52 weeks, so the group invites us to jog one another’s memories as to what was the best of the past year’s contributions to the television arts.

Not that it really matters, though, since a sizable portion of the membership just votes for the most popular mainstream shows of the past year, and, even when we do reward actual excellence, Emmy voters have their heads too implanted up their sundry orifices to honor such rarefied efforts.

Still, Your Mayor, a Man of His People, is offering You the Actual Viewer of Television (Emmy voters being far too busy creating TV shows to actually watch any of it) an opportunity to contribute to the process.

Herewith, the categories in the TCA Awards. Feel free to offer your thoughts in the comments section on who and what should win. Your Mayor will post your nominations at the TCA’s website for other critics across the country to consider. (In the TCA world, winners are chosen amongst the three top vote getters, so feel free to name your three top favorites.) If your preferred candidates don’t, in fact, win, you’ll at least be able to state, as Bill Clinton told Chris Wallace, “At least I tried. That’s the difference in me and some, including all the right-wingers who are attacking me now. They ridiculed me for trying. … I tried. So I tried and failed.”

And, atop that, I’ll reward the best, most clever respondent, as I did with my recent “Gilmore Girls” contest, with a prize package of gorgeously lamentable TV-related promotional items. But you have to be fairly serious or incredibly inspired in your anarchic offerings to merit such booty. So vote early and often!

The categories:

* Program of the Year: Any show, be it an ongoing series or one-off, be it a drama, comedy, documentary or news show. In this, as in all categories, when describing your nominee, be creative, be passionate but above all, be articulate as to why you think your favorite deserves to win.

* Outstanding New Program: Obviously, this category honors programs that joined our ranks in the past year, such as “Heroes” or “Ugly Betty” or anything you believe elevated discourse on Television.

* Outstanding Achievement in Drama: This category goes to a specific series. And a fictitious show, at that. So don’t vote for “Dr. Phil.”

* Outstanding Achievement in Comedy: This one mirrors its predecessor’s parameters. If you vote for “According to Jim,” your credibility ebbs exponentially; if you vote for “The Colbert Report,” you make yourself look pretty smart.

* Outstanding Achievement in News & Information: On its face, this could seem like a trick category, as most TV journalism tends to be pretty facile and, even, idiotic. That’s why it’s all the more important that you seriously consider what deserves accolades here.

* Outstanding Achievement in Children's Programming: This is a category in which you could most likely influence the balloting, since a lot of TV critics don’t have kids (being incapable of procreating) and therefore don’t pay attention to such programming and therefore might be amenable to persuasive arguments for deserving winners.

* Outstanding Achievement in Movies, Mini-Series & Specials: Honestly, if you don’t mention BBC America’s “The State Within” or HBO’s “Longford,” you’ll lose all credibility in this category.

* Individual Achievement in Comedy: This category could go to a performer or a writer or producer, though again, should you neglect mentioning Stephen Colbert or Bill O’Reilly, you’ll look pretty silly.

* Individual Achievement in Drama: Again, it goes to an actor or a show-runner, so your quandary is, if, say, you want to honor “The Sopranos:” Do you vote for star James Gandolfini or series creator David Chase? (The vexing mystery is perpetuated for any drama you love – “Heroes”’ Masi Oka or Tim Kring? “The Closer’s” Kyra Sedgwick or James Duff? “Rescue Me’s” Denis Leary or … um, Denis Leary? OK, bad example.)

* Heritage Award: This goes to an old show that’s supposed to be great. I’m too lazy to list everything that’s won in the past, but that’s OK, because so are TCA members, who often overlook deserving shows in favor of stuff they can still remember (OK, so I’m not that lazy: Previous winners include “The Simpsons,” “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” “The West Wing,” “60 Minutes” and “Nightline”). So give it your best shot.

* Career Achievement: Same as above, only it goes to a deserving individual human being (except when it doesn’t, such as when “Hill Street Blues” took the trophy; TV critics are a notoriously capricious bunch). Winners include Grant Tinker, Walter Cronkite, Lucille Ball, Johnny Carson, Bob Hope, Norman Lear, Fred Rogers, Dick Van Dyke, Sid Caesar, Bill Cosby, Carl Reiner, Bob Newhart and Carol Burnett. Pursue that line of thinking and figure out who’s been egregiously overlooked.

Also: Consider categories that the TCA should include (they’ve done reality shows in the past, but no more) and those who should win those fictitious categories (many points for originality).

Again: You’re not just championing TV that may be overlooked; you’re touting yourselves and your relative deservingness, such as it is, for cheesy tchotchkes. So your cleverness will not only serve your favorite programs, but yourself, as well: Make us proud. Or, at least, don’t embarrass us.