A little reality can really ruin your day

I’m not sure what the point is of presenting ideas to advertisers that are merely under consideration for airing, but some cable networks do it at their upfronts. Perhaps it’s just the chance to quote Bill Clinton’s immortal words to Chris Wallace: “At least I tried. That’s the difference in me and some, including all the right-wingers who are attacking me now. They ridiculed me for trying. … I tried. So I tried and failed.”

Today, A&E, in a marvelous show of smoke and mirrors, unveiled nearly as many shows that they won’t ever air as those that they will. A&E used to stand for Arts & Entertainment, but, since the network trucks largely in rancid reality programming like “Intervention,” “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels” and “Dog the Bounty Hunter,” I believe it now means @ssholes & Exploitation. Anyway, here’re the shows we know A&E will be presenting in the near future:

A miniseries version of “The Andromeda Strain,” based on Michael Crichton’s prescient-ish novel about killer viruses and plagues, not to be construed as a metaphor for A&E programming.

Unless, of course, you’re specifically talking about “The Two Coreys,” a reality show I’m fairly certain no one has been clamoring for, starring those heartthrobs of undiscerning fans of bad ’80s teenflicks, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. Haim moves in with Feldman and his wife; hilarity no doubt ensues as in that steaming cinematic pile known as “You, Me & Dupree” (22% on the Tomatometer). Honest: That’s the level A&E hopes this series aspires to.

“Crime 360” – No idea what this is about, but from A&E’s description it’s a reality show about crime-solving in which the CGI graphics are far more important than the investigations themselves.

“The Rookies” – In this rather grim-sounding reality series, hastily prepared rookie cops take on the mean streets of post-Katrina Louisiana, where the crime rate (particularly the murder rate) has risen exponentially since the disaster. Why didn’t they send those “Armed & Famous” guys into this shooting gallery?

“Paranormal State” – A&E rips off Sci Fi Channel’s “Ghost Busters,” but that’s OK, because Sci Fi Channel has already ripped themselves off (we discussed “Destination Truth” last week), opening the floodgates to imitators.

“Confessions of a Matchmaker” – Namely, matchmaking doesn’t work? Reality fodder featuring a “raw,” “brutally honest” (read that: obnoxious as hell) matchmaker who takes money from lonely people desperate enough to find anyone of the opposite sex nominally attractive and introduces them willy-nilly.

Now, onto the other shows A&E proudly announced today, so proudly, in fact, they may never allow them to see the light of day:

“The Pendletons” – Spinoff of A&E’s reality-tattooing epic “Inked,” which was so successful its lead character, Thomas Pendleton, left the show. Now, A&E’s intrepid cameras follows the guy as he wanders aimlessly around America with a mobile-tattooing bus service.

“Good in the Hood” – Ice Cube produces this look at the positive side of inner-city gangs; namely, some of them eventually feel remorse and try to atone for their behavior.

The following are scripted shows in development at A&E, with an eye toward one reaching the schedule:

“THE CLEANER” – You know how sometimes, when someone has one of those life-changing epiphanies and it really turns them around, they come to the conclusion that their answer is the only correct one and that everyone in the world could benefit from what helped them, and so they become utterly unbearable in trying to hammer their values into you with a messianic zeal that lacks the understanding that not everyone has to behave or believe in the same way? (Examples: Pope Urban II, George W. Bush.) Well, that’s what we have here, a drama based on a real-life "Extreme Interventionist" who cleans up people’s lives “by any means necessary.”

“THE BEAST” – A&E calls this “in the spirit of ‘Training Day,’” but based upon its description, it should probably just be referred to as “a rip-off of ‘Training Day,’ period.”

“HOMESTEAD” – ABC Family already does this. It’s called “Lincoln Heights.”

“TAKEDOWN” – Fox already does this, only from the flipside perspective. It’s called “Prison Break.”

“UNDER” – A former mobster becomes a member of NYPD. Sounds a little like "The Departed." Maybe A&E should just stick to reality.