While Alberto Gonzales’ Justice Department scandal proceeds apace, with the latest information strongly suggesting that the White House in fact did play a role in the firing of eight Federal prosecutors, so too did the seemingly vain search for all of President Bush’s chief advisor Karl Rove’s missing Emails.

Until now.

Your Mayor phoned up his I.T. guy Bickwick, who managed to locate said Emails on my iBook G4. You see, I ran into Mr. Rove a while back in Kerr County, in the Texas Hill Country where he owns righteous property on the Guadalupe River, and he asked me if he could borrow my computer for a few hours. He seemed like a nice enough guy, so I lent it to him.

That might’ve been a mistake, particularly if I’m charged with Felony: Treason for Undermining the Constitution. Otherwise: no biggie. Nonetheless, here’re the Emails Mr. Rove sent from my laptop:

From: tblossom01
To: [REDACTED]
Subject: Forever and Ever, Amen

Alberto,

While you keep up on your front, we’re looking into ways to revise the PATRIOT Act to make it unconstitutional for anyone with a perceived liberal bias to actually serve in the government, period.

This does not mean you should relax in your efforts. There seem to be a couple of hitches as drawn up in that pesky Constitution that may drag the process out a bit. I know you haven’t taken a look at the document lately, but if you could go to the bother (yeah, I know – reading? musty old documents?), maybe your keen legal mind could find a legal loophole we can exploit.

Viva la Revolución!

*

From: tblossom01
To: [REDACTED]
Subject: Global warming

W,

Good news/bad news. The bad news is, looks like this so-called “global warming” is a fact. The good news is, we’ve surreptitiously had our scientists on it, and they’ve devised a machine that can actually accelerate the process, so that the Left Coast can actually be submerged by ocean water mere hours before Election Day 2008. Which, of course, will cede the election to our Chosen Republican Successor.

All we need now is for you to give the word. I’d go ahead and do it, but I know how you’re the “Decider” and everything.

K

*

From: tblossom01
To: [REDACTED]
Subject: Codename: Falafel

My Dearest Roger,

Worry not about what those treasonous anarchists at Media Matters say: We still consider Special Weapon Codename: Falafel to be one of our most effective tools. On the Global Struggle Against Reason, that is.

But some in our office seem to have voiced some concerns of late, and we’d just like you to double-check: He is up to date on his rabies shots, correct?

Your Fondest Admirer.

*

From: tblossom01
To: [REDACTED]
Subject: Tortured logic

Alberto,

You know what’s so amazing about this whole stupid torture and extraordinary rendition debate? Those liberal pansies are wringing their hands about what we’re doing with suspected terrorists overseas, but they don’t seem to care a whit that we’ve flooded the American airwaves with shows like “According to Jim,” “Ghost Whisperer” and “Rules of Engagement!”

Fight the battle on enough fronts, and your enemies will be too exhausted to keep up. Kudos to us.

You Know Who

*

From: tblossom01
To: [REDACTED]
Subject: Enough already

Look, Boss,

I don’t know how many times we have to go over this: I had nothing to do with those guys calling that book “Bush’s Brain.” I know you haven’t read it, but trust me, it’s not all that complimentary of me, either.

K

*

From: tblossom01
To: [REDACTED]
Subject: Billing procedures

My Dearest Lady Palfrey,

I realize that we’re probably not going to come to terms over this, but let me again reiterate that while $275 for 90 minutes is a more than reasonable fee, $275 for 8.5 minutes is not, and that’s all I seem to require. I would appreciate it if you would reconsider those Draconian rates.

Besides, last time, the Hillary costume wasn’t all that convincing.

Your fondest admirer.

*

From: tblossom01
To: [REDACTED]
Subject: Let them eat dog food

Dickster,

I almost feel a little bad to report this while sitting in my motorized wheelchair, my legs covered by an elegant woolen afghan, while stroking my favorite white-haired cat, but the fact is, we’re moving along briskly on the plot to poison the nation’s supply of pet food. Our triangulations suggest that an inordinate amount of the tainted sustenance will show up in blue states, resulting in grief-stricken liberals who, having no legal recourse, will believe their government has failed them, and therefore won’t bother to turn up for the next election.

This strategy, if I say so myself, was a real stroke of genius. Sometimes I wish I had a handlebar mustache so I could curl it while expostulating the requisite “Bwahahahahaha!”

You owe me,

KR

*

From: tblossom01
To: [REDACTED]
Subject: Itchy scabs

Doc,

I’m still getting these embarrassing rashes, even though I’m slathering my body with the skin cream you prescribed.

I realize you believe my condition to be psychosomatic, a deep-rooted punishment against myself for whatever perceived sins you think I think I may have committed, but I assure you: I’ve been in this business for several decades and this has never happened before. So may I be so bold as to suggest a radical new medical regimen? After all, I have a lot more of my job to do in the next 18 months.

Patient Zero