MyNetwork TV: MyNap

Jeez, I can’t bother to work up enough energy to mock MyNetwork’s new fall schedule, which was announced yesterday, let alone analyze it. So here’re bits from the press release, along with an occasional wan observation:

Here’s MyNetwork president Greg Meidel: “MyNetworkTV strides forward this fall as we offer a slate of programming packed with compelling subjects and vibrant personalities from proven producers. The new schedule offers diverse choices, including action-packed sports to real-life, human interest dramas.”

(If they can’t muster up a canned quote any more enthusiastic than that, how can anyone wrest themselves from their torpor to care?)

(The sports, by the way, are volleyball and smacking each other silly.)

Here’re the shows:

“IFL Battleground:” “Follows the athletes, coaches and personalities of the International Fight League, the world’s first professional mixed martial arts organization to compete in a team format.”

“The Academy:” Actually, this one’s already on Fox Reality, so come fall they’ll be repeating the series about recruits training to become L.A. Country deputy sheriffs.

“Jail:” “John Langley, the creator and producer of ‘COPS,’ now takes us behind bars with ‘Jail.’ Shot on-location in cities across the U.S., ‘Jail’ follows prison inmates from their initial booking through their first moments in the slammer. Each episode captures the harsh and sometimes humorous reality of what happens to criminals once the sheriff throws away the key.”

(Can you imagine anyone stupid enough to sign the release form to appear on this? That must be where the “sometimes humorous reality” comes in, when the cons realize what they’ve signed and how proud their friends and family will be.)

“Divorce Wars” (working title): “An intense real-life look at couples struggling to hold on to their relationships. Husbands and wives tackling issues ranging from financial hardships to infidelity enter the ‘Divorce Wars’ house for five days, submitting themselves to 24-hour surveillance and counseling, to try one last time to find happily ever after.”

(Because nothing sensitively alleviates an already tense situation than a battery of omnipresent cameras. Again, even for those most desperate to get on TV this would have to be considered an absolute final destination.)

“Meet My Folks:” “Parents get to decide who dates their children. Potential love interests are put to the ultimate test through a series of revealing secret interviews, fun tasks and the all-knowing lie detector. When parents play matchmaker, dating gets a lot more interesting.”

(“Interesting,” perhaps, but probably not a whole lot more successful. Incidentally, this show will air after “Divorce Wars,” when in fact it’d be a natural to run beforehand, so viewers could enjoy the whole circle-of-life thing when it comes to relationships in one evening of television.)

“Thursdays and Fridays will continue to be “My Movie” nights, with titles such as Rocky I-IV with Sylvester Stallone; “U.S. Marshals” with Tommy Lee Jones, Wesley Snipes, Robert Downey, Jr. and Joe Pantoliano; “The Amityville Horror” with James Brolin and Rod Steiger; “Carrie” with Sissy Spacek; and Guy Ritchie’s “Snatch” with Brad Pitt and Benicio Del Toro.”

(Movies 30 years old and older and utter box-office tank jobs – pretty sweet lineup you got there, MyNetwork. It's the NetFlix Queue from Hell.)

“The network has also partnered with FOX Reality and Mentorn USA to develop all new episodes of “Paradise Hotel” for debut in March 2008. Shot on-location in Mexico, the program will follow a group of single people living in a luxurious resort and competing to see who can stay in the hotel the longest.”

(Not enough information provided there – how hard would it be to stay in a luxurious resort? I think I could manage that. Is there something trying to oust them, like a plague of zombies? Is this a crossover where the IFC ninjas start beating on the contestants until they flee? Or is the wait staff just a little unduly surly and the participants are particularly thin-skinned so they bolt looking for more amenable accommodations? Certainly they wouldn’t be so crass and unoriginal as to have people voted out – could anyone sit through another reality show where people get voted out?)

Ah, well: “Following is the MyNetworkTV primetime series schedule for Fall 2007. New shows are in CAPS.”

Monday
8 p.m. “IFL Battleground”

Tuesday
8 p.m. “THE ACADEMY”
9 p.m. “JAIL”

Wednesday
8 p.m. “DIVORCE WARS” (working title)
9 p.m. “MEET MY FOLKS”

Thursday
8 p.m. “My Thursday Night Movie”

Friday
8 p.m. “My Friday Night Movie”

Saturday

8 p.m. “IFL Battleground” repeat

Not that The CW affiliates have anything to crow about, but how much must the former WB and UPN affiliate station managers – proud, valiant men and women who no doubt, perhaps even as recently as a year ago, had love for the medium of television and believed in it as a force for good – how much must these folks who didn’t land The CW be fighting the urge to open their wrists with a straight razor when they see that that’s their fall lineup?