The Chuck E. Cheese of hotels (a pint-sized "No Exit")

Nickelodeon today announced that it is partnering with Marriott to create “a breakthrough new lodging resort brand and concept for travelers seeking fun and adventure: Nickelodeon Resorts by Marriott.” Travelers will be slimed upon entering the lobby.

Well, no, but those traveling on business who inadvertently book a stay at one of these just might feel as though they have been. Although “Mr. Marriott” (the press release gave his full name, but I prefer the mysterious (or is it businessman-as-fun-and-alliteratively-playful-character?) nature of the above moniker, as it appeared in the New York Times-style press release) thinks those without kids will also clamor to stay at a semi-luxury hotel with a lot of unrelated rugrats underfoot:

“Besides being a great new family destination, we believe that ‘Nickelodeon Resorts by Marriott’ will attract younger adults, the young-at-heart, and meeting travelers, especially people who travel on business with their families. As younger boomers and Gen X'ers enter prime child-rearing years, their clear preference for seamlessly mixing business with leisure and family fun will mesh perfectly with the ‘Nickelodeon Resorts by Marriott’ concept," said Mr. Marriott. (Aren’t “younger boomers” closer to departing rather than entering their prime child-rearing years?)

The first of these Vegas-for-virgins resorts is expected to open in San Diego in 2010, with 20 forecast to be open or under construction by 2010. There will attractions strewn throughout the grounds of each, tied into Nick’s characters like Spongebob Squarepants and Dora the Explorer, and guest rooms will have character themes as well (hmm … these guys seem to be relying on the notion that their characters will have an evergreen shelf life amongst a particularly fickle demographic; these places could turn into Knott’s Berry Farm pretty quickly).

And, of course: “Retail offerings will be a key element of the guest experience, with Nick-themed retail items available that are exclusive to the resort, as well as a ‘Nick Pix’ photo studio and Nick.com Cyberzone, where kids and families can safely surf Nick.com and Nickjr.com content online, and view resort-specific information. A large game room featuring the latest and most popular video and traditional table top games will be available for all resort guests looking for added family entertainment and interaction.”

No wonder some guy in a suit and possessing a terrifically stilted public speaking style intoned, “The Marriott and Nickelodeon partnership provides an extremely compelling investment opportunity by pairing the hotel industry leader with the top kids’ entertainment brand. Together, we will create fantastic destinations that we are confident will be a great economic success.”

Also, per the press release: “The resort will encourage sophisticated adult interactions” – ah, so Mommy and Daddy will be getting something out of this, after all.

I’m sure someone, somewhere, is enchanted by the vision of hundreds of impish, shrieking youngsters running roughshod over acres of arcade games (the first step in a natural progression in growing up to become drunken adults stumbling through rows of jangling slot machines), a veritable cacophony of acquisitiveness being marketed as innocence, but if these take off, the dystopian world depicted in “Children of Men” can’t come soon enough.