David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. There was a network had a dog & Bingo was its name-o
OK, this could get a little dangerous. I have a pretty low tolerance for stupid, boring and pointless things, but nonetheless I’m going to try to sit through the first episode of “National Bingo Night,” ABC’s stab at reality-show-as-church-social, debuting Friday, May 18.
Before I get started, allow me to quote from the press release: Blah blah blah, print your own Bingo cards blah blah blah “so they’ll not only experience the excitement of watching the on-screen competition but can concurrently enjoy the pure fun of playing bingo at home, free of charge….” Clearly, this show could be dangerous for anyone whose heart is not in tip-top shape.
Fortunately, ABC sent only a snippet of the first episode, just one game (they manage to pack three electrically charged games into an hour of TV). They also sent some Bingo cards and “The Official Bingo Dauber for National Bingo Night,” which is good, because I’d hate to have some cheap imitation knock-off go off in my hands and injure someone.
Seriously: Is it just me or does airing an hour of Bingo on a broadcast network during prime-time spell the End of Television As We Know It?
And we’re off:
- Opening seconds: Random, breathlessly edited images; a narrator quite excitedly blurts, “The game that’s fast, fun and so, so easy to win!”
- The balls are in a two and a half story, one-ton “Bingosphere,” the show’s nod to “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome,” which seems to really rile up the studio audience. Tonight’s games have been “sanctioned” by a mustachioed man wearing a referee’s zebra shirt from the “NBN.” That puts my mind at ease, a little.
- The host is one of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition’s” lesser acolytes, but to my knowledge has no DUI’s. He classes the joint up a bit with his British accent; diminishes it just as much with his Howie Mandell-style cueball head. He’s actually explaining the rules of Bingo to the audience. If you don’t already know the rules of Bingo, what are the chances you’re watching this? Who’s watching a Bingo show to get educated?
- Our studio contestant is playing “Bingo 500,” a dopey guessing game, so he’s not actually playing Bingo; just the studio audience is. One of the prizes the contestant (a married man with three children) can win is a date with Fabio. I can’t imagine a much greater inducement to lose.
- Blackballs – just added to the Bingosphere! – could derail the game beyond all repair. Blackballs? Have you no sense of decency sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?
- They still keep explaining very simplistic rules: “If you’ve got 0-72 at home, mark it off your Bingo Cards.”
- God, they’re dragging this out, just as they do on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” “Deal or No Deal” and all those other game shows aimed at those who aspire to be the Forrest Gumps of the world. 14 minutes in, I’ve only got six numbers on my Bingo card. If I fast-forwarded this it would still go too slow.
- Mustachioed NBN Sanctioning Guy – who kind of sounds like Apu on “The Simpsons” – dramatically informs us that no one in the studio audience has a Bingo. “No Bingo – play is still on!” he enthuses.
- Hey, I’m an N-40 away from Bingo!
- The contestant has gone delusional from this experience; he’s feverishly talking to a photograph of his kids.
- The Host – who, really, can’t be paid too much to feign such an irrational fervor for Bingo (I’m never this enthusiastic about stuff that I actually like) – is now dragging out the phrase “The … Moment … of … Truth …” taking maybe 20 seconds to get it out.
- Well, there’s 22 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back.
Comments
Bingo? On TV?
This absolutely MUST be a sign of the Apocalypse.
Posted by: Suzy Q | May 9, 2007 8:08 AM