Help Craig Ferguson stick it to The Man

Your Mayor has been the recent recipient of a desperate cry for help. No, it’s not to stop the genocide in Darfur (though if you want to help stop that, more power to you) or to stem the tumultuous tide of soulless drum machines in the recording of pop music: It’s to help “Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson achieve American citizenship. For some reason, the INS has withheld his bid for Americanization.

“Since your blog is called the ‘Mayor of Television,’ I thought you would get a kick out of the following,” the desperate plea read. “On tonight’s show, Craig is revealing two more letters from mayors offering honorary citizenship of their towns.”

(Quick, cheap, probably inaccurate background: Ferguson’s from Scotland, not Mexico, so Lou Dobbs shouldn’t hate him, but for some reason, Ferguson hasn’t achieved the citizenship he’s seeking).

Memo to Craig: Sharpen up on these references on your next citizenship quiz:

“John Brown at Harper’s Ferry.”

“Jack Ruby at the Carousel Club.”

“George W. Bush at LegoLand.”

More press release: “On Thursday, towns from Florida and Tennessee announced that they had named Ferguson an honorary citizen.” On Thursday night, Ferguson estimated there were 50,911 towns in America, and declared in his quest to become an American citizen, “I’ll do it town by town across America.”

(The Mayor of the Tennessee town even offered him the key to her town.) Additionally, Mike Huckabee, former Arkansas governor and current Presidential candidate, told Ferguson, “I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy” who could grant him honorary citizenship of the entire state of Arkansas.

As far as The Mayor of Television is concerned, Mr. Ferguson is already a respected citizen of the land of Television; we’re hurt that he seeks to become a citizen of America, since it’s clearly so much more poorly run than Television is. If Keys to Communities are what Mr. Ferguson is after, then I’ll happily offer him one, since I have one on my keychain that, for the life of me, I can’t remember what it’s for. But if it will make him happy, we’d be happy to make him a member of the Cabinet of Television; his responsibility would be to bring chips and guacamole to the Cabinet’s Wednesday-night poker games.

In fact, in deference to Ferguson, we’d be willing to make those games dry. Because Your Mayor fares a whole lot better at these card games when he’s sober.

- "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," 12:35 a.m. weekdays, CBS Channel 2. So watch or get to sleep already.