David Kronke was appointed Mayor of Television after a bloodless coup in 2000. Since then, he has improved infrastructure, championed greater educational opportunities and fought for reforms that have utterly erased corruption and incompetence from the television industry. Since Mr. Kronke has ascended to power, Television is a far better place. More Assassinations, More Conspiracies
Discovery Times Channel declares it has unearthed more audio evidence that’ll make Robert Kennedy’s assassination as confusing and enticing to conspiracy theorists as JFK’s, and they’ll present it tonight, on “Conspiracy Test: The RFK Assassination” at 9 p.m. EST (6 PCT).
Apparently, esteemed lunatic Sirhan Sirhan just happened to be around when the fatal bullets were plugged into Bobby, irrevocably veering the course of history toward the sorry state we’re in right now.
From the press release:
“Key to the theory of a second shooter is an audiotape recorded by a freelance journalist at the scene that went unnoticed in an archive for decades. (Interesting how these matters key to national security go “unnoticed in an archive for decades:” By this standard, the truth behind the war with Iraq will be unearthed in 2050.)
“It is the only known recording in the world on which the gunshots can clearly be heard. CONSPIRACY TEST: THE RFK ASSASSINATION presents two tests of the recording. ... The shocking results may shed new light on the events of Kennedy’s assassination.”
Oh, Jeez, this is where I came in: I worked at a newspaper in Dallas back when Oliver Stone was shooting “JFK” and immersed myself in the sundry conspiracies, and almost never re-emerged on the other side of sanity, there’s so many people who probably pulled the kill switch who weren’t named Lee Harvey Oswald that you could just open a 1963 Dallas phone book to a random page, poke your finger down and come within something resembling the truth as assiduously as the Warren Commission did. To be sure, there was something sinister going on there, but if no principal player has emerged and proffered a plausible scenario, then people, it’s probably time to let it go and move on to matters more pressing that we have equally little hope of changing, such as the 2000 Presidential election controversy.
But Bobby? Bobby wasn’t even President yet when he got iced on June 5, 1968, and if this investigation made it all the way to the airwaves of the very-little-seen Discovery-Times Channel, then you know they’re onto something!
And because Your Mayor has such profound faith that such information can, in fact, transform the course of history, I have, through back-alley channels, secured a copy of Discovery Times’ audiotape, and the results are explosive! Not so much due to the time-lapse audiography between the sundry gunshots, but because of the nature of the behind-the-scenes banter between Bobby and his aides in the minutes before the fateful tragedy:
Jesse Unruh (Kennedy’s campaign manager): Bobby, you belted this one out of the park! (Aside) Boyoboy, the Ambassador Hotel’s sophisticated cuisine looks awfully inviting! Look at those pigs-in-a-blanket! (Rallying himself) Your speech on American disaffection, corporate corruption and the dangers of future generations being duped by propagandists selling future unnecessary wars on the basis of ersatz patriotism killed! Just one note: Drop the bit about American monarchies and dynastic families usurping America’s crown with lesser-minded members of Presidential families. People might not find that so much visionary as a tell on your relationship with Jack. Otherwise, we’re resonantly on-message with a disaffected people disillusioned with cynical politics as usual.
Bobby: Dammit, Jesse! Sure, our whole campaign is based upon an uplifting vision of the future, but how can any of us feel better about the days ahead when ABC has cancelled “Batman?” That was my favorite show, it was so funny! And now I’ve received intelligence that the network is developing, in its place, a wan, distaff sitcom about a blended family combining three orphaned boys and three girls who are the product of divorce! How can America feel proud of itself when keen satire such as “Batman” is replaced by such pabulum as the tentatively titled “The Clan of Bradys?” What does this say about the direction of our country?
Unruh: Bobby, you needn’t concern yourself with network-television programming. We have far more pressing concerns …
(UNINTELLIGIBLE, something about "Burt Ward's package.")
Bobby: Jesse, let me tell you about a dream – well, no, a nightmare – I had the other night. I dreamt I, just like Jack, was assassinated. But the truly horrible thing was, whereas Jack’s murder was transformed into a controversial yet critically acclaimed and award-winning movie by an Oscar-winning filmmaker, my assassination was turned into a little-seen flick by a pretentious scion of a Hollywood family. Those images haunt me to this day.
Unruh: Um … did I tell you I won at cribbage against my father-in-law last Sunday?
- “Conspiracy Test: The RFK Assassination:” 6 p.m., 9 p.m. and 1 a.m. tonight and a whole bunch of other times throughout the week.
Comments
Ok, fine. I'll admit it: I did it.
Posted by: Sirhan Suzy | June 6, 2007 2:37 AM