“Cavemen:” The Evisceration

As the esteemed and thoughtful members of the Television Critics Association prepare to discuss the sociological ramifications (and lack of humor) of ABC’s upcoming “Cavemen,” an event so earth-shattering in its cultural significance that Your Mayor felt the need to live-blog on it, some background:

Earlier today, ABC Entertainment president Stephen McPherson announced, “We’re doing lot of work” on retooling the show. “We recast one of leads,” he said. “The pilot will not be the pilot. We felt it jumps way too far in the development of the characters and into the frying pan. They tried to do way too much with that. It’ll end up being episode 5, episode 6 in the run. … We have to develop the characters and the dynamics so that we’re not diving into relationships you might not understand.” Oh, yeah, right – the relationships in “Cavemen” are so complex that maybe an Australopithecus may not quite get them.

And, in fact, someone noted that maybe the relationships weren’t the problem with the pilot and wondered why all the thinly veiled racial subtext was added. “The commercials are literally a one-joke thing,” McPherson said. “They’re about a group that’s not that bright. They decided to explore a group that’s a minority, with all the stereotypes. That was a decision made in development. If you do the commercials on a 30-minute basis, I don’t think they’d work.”

Memo to McPherson – reread your quote above very closely, particularly the “one-joke thing” part and “doing the commercials/don’t think they’d work” part. Now, think about it a little. Are you beginning to see the error of your ways?

Anyway, beyond just not being funny, “Cavemen” is anthropologically befuddled. Though the characters refer to themselves as Cro-Magnons, morphologically, they actually look a little more like Neanderthals. (For compleatists, here’s a look at an Australopithecus afarensis.)

And so, we're about to begin:

* The cast and executive producers were the only ones applauding the clip.

* First question: Where are the cavewomen? Honestly, someone asked that.

Episode five is the answer.

* Question: You had to know that making a show from a TV commercial would earn you all sorts of hell from us. How do face that you have to prove yourselves?

Answer: We knew we’d be under a lot of scrutiny, but it makes our job a little harder. … When making the commercials, we felt there were more stories to tell.

I never guessed we’d catch so much hell.

* Cro-Magnons existed between 40,000-10,000 years ago in the South of France. They vacationed in Italy, usually around Tuscany.

* By contrast, proto-Neanderthals first appeared in Europe 350,000 years ago. They became extinct 24,000 years ago in order to avoid being around once they became the butt of jokes.

* Fending off charges of implicit racial stereotyping on the show:

What’s sort of fun is we can create rules for this race that doesn’t really understand their place in this world, which gives us a flexibility to make that a broad experience that’s universal that everyone can relate to.

Could it be an issue? Yes. But that’s our job to make sure it doesn’t become one.

And now, the pseudo-pretentious take on the show: This is a show about acclimation, which is what we pitched it as. … If race relations leads to a story like that, that’s great. But this is about acclimation, which is something everyone deals with.

* Neanderthals had many adaptations to a cold climate, such as large braincase, short but robust builds, and large noses — traits selected by nature in cold climates. Their brain sizes have been estimated to be larger than modern humans, particularly the writers on this show, although such estimates have not been adjusted for their more robust builds.

* Another hard-hitting question: Why don’t they just shave and go to a decent barber?

* Blah blah blah on the makeup. “I was blown away,” says one of the actors.

* Cro-Magnons had a diet of meat, grain, wild carrots, beets, onion, turnip and other foods. Many of them were volunteers for PETA.

* “If the show works, it will work because people care about these three guys and can relate to their problems.”

* And more pseudo-pretentious ruminations: “We asked ourselves, ‘Is it authentic and is it reflective of authentic behavior?’”

* This is how you would read “Cro-Magnon” in another language: kʀomaɲõ and kɹəʊ'mægnən

* Question: Will the gecko be a guest star at some point?

Answer: Depends on what our ratings are.

* Yet more on how amazing the makeup is, which it isn’t.

* A disappointed panelist: “Someone told us there’d be a laugh track in this room, which there isn’t.”

* Question: I’m still wanting to know what the show is going to be. You say the show will be subtle, and the show we saw is anything but subtle. You say it won't just be dealing with racial stereotypes, but the episode we saw is nothing but that.

Answer: (long pause) Well, I mean, look. (Then lots of dissembling.)

Followed by more pseudo-pretentious rambling:

“Where we want to take the show is to make these distinctive stories about three friends in their 20s who happen to be cavemen and that grafts a filter onto their lives.”

* Question: “I don’t want to beat a dead horse…”

Answer: “That’s episode two.”

(More kvetching on the implicit racial stereotyping in the show.)

* Cro-Magnons are credited with killing off the Neanderthals and, now, comedy. A warrant is out for their arrest.

* UPDATE: After the session, a critic grumbled, "They have no f#&%ing idea what they're doing."