Smell like a cartoon astronaut or gnarly pirate!

Smells like pre-teen spirit: The altruistic people of Disney, who have never turned down an opportunity to exploit the young citizens of America for cash, have created a market that probably doesn’t really need to exist: They’ve developed a series of “Pirates of the Caribbean” and Buzz Lightyear fragrances aimed at Latino boys ages 4-11.

“The market is driven by gift-giving, so we will target moms and grandmothers—the primary gift-givers,” says a Disney spokeswoman who apparently has absolutely no qualms about the fact that any boy who would open up a wrapped gift hoping for a PSP game and instead discovering a dinky bottle of cologne no doubt faces years of therapy in the future.

And does anyone, even a 4-year-old, want to smell like a pirate? Couldn’t a kid manage to stink like that simply by running around in 90-degree temperatures without any deodorant? A plastic toy astronaut isn’t the first thing one’d associate with aromatic pleasures, either. And why they haven't marketed a Mickey scent is beyond me: What little kid wouldn't want to smell like a rodent?

So allow me to suggest further Disney-inspired liquid odors for parents to douse on their unwitting progeny:

* Lady and the Tramp
* The Gnome-Mobile
* Operation Dumbo Drop
* Uncle Remus
* Bambi’s dead mom
* Darby O’Gill and the Little People
* Country Bear Jamboree
* Scrooge McDuck’s bank vault
* Flubber
* The Barefoot Executive
* Million Dollar Duck
* The Apple Dumpling Gang
* The toilet scene in “Trainspotting” (granted, that was a Miramax film, but Disney owns Miramas. So there.)

And, of course, feel free to add your own.